


The Red Lounge

by Skadisdottir



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aftercare, Awkward Sexual Situations, Canon Compliant, Dom Spencer Reid, Dom/sub, Dubious Consent, Emotional Abuse, F/M, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, Implied Neglect, Lack of Communication, Medium Burn, Smut, Stalking, Suicide mention, Verbal Abuse, Violence, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, primal play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:41:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 148,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24921724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skadisdottir/pseuds/Skadisdottir
Summary: (Y/n) Moves 600 miles away from home to escape a toxic relationship. She starts her own little life in D.C., but when bills come calling, she gets a job as a Professional Submissive and meets a curious man named Spencer. Privacy and security seem to be paramount to him, but as their relationship grows, it won't be long until something gives.((This is my first Criminal Minds fic... yikes.))https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYGQ3WGnOXI
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 480
Kudos: 622





	1. Battling Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Y/n) makes a new friend, and finds herself maybe in over her head.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbZ98UuFmaM

Leaving a toxic relationship seems so easy from the outside, but I couldn’t get myself to break away from the man-child I had been dating for the last three years, mostly out of nostalgia. But when I came home from a vacation with some college friends to see not only apartment trashed, but finding my boyfriend in bed with his ex, it was the push I needed to drop his ass and move over 600 miles to DC. I was tired of the winters in Maine, and I had a degree in politics, may as well use it. I wasn’t expecting to waltz onto Capitol Hill my first day, so I had to climb like everyone else. But I would rather climb from the Nation’s Capital.

Making ends meet in a new city when you had legitimately up and left on a whim with what you could fit in the back of a 1996 Honda Civic was never an easy task. But, I had managed to find a job at a small coffee shop downtown to tide me over during the day. All I needed was a cheap apartment sublease, and I would be a lot better off than I was six months ago, hell, I was a lot better off than I was a week ago.

Come the end of the school year, more apartments opened up around the city as students left to return home, and to my advantage, a second floor apartment came free in a quiet suburb. The landlord was an older lady who really didn’t care much about anything, the income was just to bolster her already hefty retirement fund. She had asked for $2000 up front, which gave me two months to get the $750 for the next month's rent. 50 hours a month at $15 an hour? Easy. 

And it was. 

Until my car took its final breath one early June morning, the long haul from Bangor, Maine killing the engine, and in my heart, I knew it would cost more to replace the car than it was worth. So, with an emotional goodbye, I said farewell to my car of the last 6 years, and watched as she was carted away by a tow truck down to the scrap yard, my arms heavy with groceries….Three miles from my apartment. 

I had just set my bags down for what felt like the hundredth time, not used to the heat of summer in the south (or at least, south for me), when a man rounded the corner, jogging. I stepped to the side, giving him the space to pass as I dumped myself down on a rockwall, letting my head hang slightly. He stopped instantly, concern evident on his face. He pulled out an earphone and crouched in front of me, waving his hand in front of my face to catch my attention. I tried not to pant as I looked up at him. 

“Hey… are you okay?” He asked, his dark skin coated in a thin layer of sweat compared to the rivers of sweat no doubt coursing down mine.

I nodded, entirely unconvincingly. “What? Oh yea! I’m just grand.” I replied breathlessly. He raised an eyebrow to show how unconvinced he was, until his eyes drifted down to the 20 or so bags I had with me, and my lack of a car. 

“That store is 10 blocks from here…” He pointed out, and I nodded. “And you’re clearly not from Virgina, so I’m gonna hazard a guess that you just moved in.” I nodded again, a bit sheepishly. “Well, I’ll tell you what. My name’s Derek, I live down the street with my wife Savannah, how about we head over there and I’ll give you a ride home?” 

Alarm bells instantly went off in my head. Not only had he been able to tell I wasn’t from here, but he was going full serial killer on me. Did he think I was that stupid? He could read my obvious trepidation on my face, so he pulled out his wallet, and pulled out his driver’s license, handing it to me. I inspected it, and realized that he did, in fact, live down the road, was named Derek, and was an organ donor. How nice. “Promise not to trap me in a basement and send my parts one by one to my mom?” He ducked his head, an infection smiled on his face as he laughed. 

“I promise.” He replied, still laughing as he stood, before offering me his hand. I gladly accepted his help, and only protested for a moment when he grabbed two handfuls of my bags, only leaving the bags of bread and crackers for me to carry. 

“Sorry to interrupt your run.” I finally replied as the two of us started down the street.

“Don’t be, I was almost done anyway.” As he walked, he pulled out the other earphone and stuffed both that and his phone into his basketball shorts pocket. “So, you know my name, but I don’t know yours.” He added, turning a kind smile down to me as we crossed a side street. 

“(Y/n).” I replied nervously, still not fully believing I wasn’t about to be killed by the oldest trick in the book. “I uhm.. I just moved here from Maine.” 

“Maine! Really? What made you come all the way down here?” He seemed genuinely interested, and you felt yourself grow a bit homesick, but also excited. 

“A bad breakup and a chance to actually use my degree.” I replied quickly, feeling bad I had mentioned that shit sack I called a boyfriend, but he did ask. 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” He replied honestly. “But good on you for taking hold of life and starting over.” I gushed at the praise, looking down to my feet self consciously. 

I raised my hands to show the bags in my hands as I joked. “Yes, I seem to have it all completely under control.” Derek shook his head and laughed, before turning into the yard of a beautifully decorated and newly renovated victorian style home. I took a moment to admire it, expressing my awe with just a quiet gasp. 

He took a moment to bask in my wonder, his chest puffed up in a way that told me he did most of the work himself, before he laughed again and nodded me inside. “Come on, I’m sure Savannah can grab you a water or a lemonade.” Eagerly, I followed him inside, that voice warning me not to be so stupid quieting down when I could see the figure of a woman moving around inside. 

With practiced ease, he opened the door unencumbered by my bags, before he set them down on the ground and quickly typed in a code into a security box to turn off the alarm. His wife, Savannah, was in the kitchen just past the dining room and when she heard him come in, she called out to him, the sound of a baby gurgling alerting me to the fact that there was a child. Suddenly, that danger voice instantly melted, completely being eviscerated by the homey atmosphere. It all made me suddenly sad, this is what I had wanted with Aiden, but he had to go behind my back and sleep with that manipulative she-devil. 

I forced down my feelings though, when Derek called out to his wife, alerting her that they had a guest. I was expecting a beautiful woman to walk around the corner, considering who her husband was, but the absolutely stunning woman that appeared made me take a breath and stare for a moment. Her medium brown skin was complemented by the almost honey coloured eyes, and her long hair in soft beach curls down her back. She was dressed in light teal scrubs, but she somehow made them look like they were fit for a gala. The little boy on her hip played with a teething ring, and his head was a mop of curls that I assumed his father had, if he grew out his hair. 

Savannah looked me over, not judging, but just in the way that anyone would when a stranger was standing sweating in the entryway. She gave her husband a look that was easily a silent demand to explain. “Savannah, this is (Y/n), I found her lugging all these groceries few blocks up, and I’m gonna give her a ride home.” He said, his hand resting on the small of her back as he kissed the boy’s head. He whispered something in her ear as he passed her, and she nodded before giving me a kind smile. 

“Well, (Y/n), why don’t we get you a drink?” I tried not to seem too eager as I nodded, and she smiled wider, extending a hand to me to invite me further into the home. I debated taking off my shoes, but she was wearing hers, as was her husband, so I kept them on, and carefully stepped in her footsteps as she led me to the kitchen and pulled out a stool for me to sit in. 

I was thankful to be off my feet for the first time in over an hour. I was a slow walker anyway, but in 92 degrees, in the humidity, when I was used to high 70s of dry heat in main, lets just say my jean shorts and white shirt under a flannel was not a smart choice of clothing. Savannah placed her son into a high chair beside me, and when she turned to her cupboard to pull out a cup, I found a small hand wrapping around my sleeve and tugging slightly. 

The little boy pulled my sleeve towards him, and attempted to put in his mouth, but I distracted him with my finger long enough for him to release it and wrap the chubby baby fingers around my pointer finger instead. Grabbing his teething ring I offered it to him and he took it, gnawing at that. Proud of myself I smiled, just as a glass was placed in front of me with water and a few ice cubes.  
Thanking Savannah, I greedily drank from the cup, emptying half of it in one go. When she brought the jug over to fill it up instantly, I looked away sheepishly. She didn’t judge me, just smiled. “You have any of your own?” She asked, nodding to the baby. 

I stammered my reply, it kind of caught me off guard. I was young, but so was she, I suppose 25 was old enough for a baby… right? “Uhm, no… no I don’t.”

“The reason I ask is that you’re good with them, I’d say you were a natural.” The compliment wasn’t unheard of for me, though kids weren’t on my mind right now, they may be, way in the future, with the right person. I tried not to think of Aiden. 

“I have a lot of cousins, and I did a lot of babysitting as a teen.” I replied, letting the baby keep his hold on my finger. I wiggled it, and moved it in an arch, which made him smile a drooly baby smile, and I couldn’t help the one that came on my face. “He’s so good.” I mused quietly. 

“You can thank his daddy for that. He dotes on him.” I nodded, the man that was basically my saviour seemed exactly the type to spoil his kid, but not enough that he knew he was spoiled. 

“He’s a good man, I can’t even begin to thank you both enough for helping me. I don’t know a soul here.” Her face twisted in a small sad smile. 

“Where are you from?” I shifted slightly, it was nothing to be ashamed about, but bringing up the town I came from just brought up a lot of angry memories. 

“Bangor, Maine.” The puzzled look on her face made me rephrase. “It’s right on the border to Canada. Recognition hit her then and she nodded, a curious look settling on her perfect features.

“You’re a long way from home…” She started, watching my face as it fell slightly. “You don’t have anyone here that can look after you?” I bristled slightly at the notion that I needed someone to watch over me, but then I relaxed, realizing what she was referencing. She was asking me if I had anyone to help me through the issues I was no doubt experiencing.

I shook my head and cleared my throat. “No, I’m… on my own here. But I prefer it that way, I can make a new life for myself.” She nodded in understanding. 

“Well, now you have us.” And with that, she pulled out an envelope and a pen, writing in beautiful swooped letters both her, and Derek’s name, and then both of their cell phone numbers along with the landline. She slid the paper towards me and I took it hesitantly, not wanting to impose. 

“Thank you, Mrs. Morgan.” I replied quietly. “Really, you have no idea how much that means to me.”

“Please, hunny, call me Savannah.” Her eyes flicked up and she smiled, obviously seeing her husband coming down the stairs. “And no matter what he says, call him Derek.” I turned in my seat, smiling slightly when I saw his confused and fake hurt face. He placed a hand on his chest and he looked shocked. 

It was obvious that he just came out of a quick shower, replacing his running clothes with a dark blue v-neck and black cargo style 5.11 pants. He entered the kitchen and walked around the island, sliding his hand against his wife’s back in a subconscious movement and then kissed the top of his son’s head. I smiled, the domesticality of it all so heartwarming. He grabbed a set of keys as he moved before bracing his hands on the counter. “I don’t know what she said but I know better than to argue.”

Savannah walked around the counter and patted him on the side of the face. “Smart man.”She teased picking up the baby and setting him on her hip. Derek watched her go a soft loving smile on his face before he turned his attention back to me. 

“You ready to go?” I nodded and hopped up on out of the chair, grabbing my water glass and used my sleeve to wipe up the condensation from their countertops. I gently placed the glass in the sink and turned back to see him watching me carefully. I bounced up on my tip toes nervously, and swung my arms. 

“Lead the way!” I replied, realizing that I may have intruded a bit, but it was only polite to put it back in the sink, considering I didn’t know where they had their dishwasher. The entire kitchen was one of those “everything-is-hidden-in-a-fake-drawer” style kitchens. Returning to the main room, we grabbed my bags and I looked up to him expectantly. 

He nodded his head to the side and I followed closely behind him, hiding my hands in my sleeves my nerves getting the better of me. I never did do well in social situations. I followed him out to his driveway and he unlocked a black truck. I climbed in just after him, struggling slightly in the lifted monstrosity that he somehow had to duck to get in to, and clipped myself in. 

I tried not to pry but I couldn’t help my curiosity as I looked around his truck. He had a picture of his wife and child on the dash, the car was impeccable clean, the seat was as far back from the bag as possible, and it all looked very well cared for, for a serious man’s car. What caught my eye though, was the empty gun holster on the driver’s side of the car. 

He must have caught me looking, because he paused, but didn’t say anything. It wasn’t like I hadn’t been around guns before, almost everyone had at least a hunting rifle in their house. But that wasn’t a rifle rack, that was a handgun holster. I tried not to linger on it too long, and realized he was waiting for me to tell him where to go. “Oh! Sorry. Uhm.. take a right.” I said pointing down the street in the direction of my apartment. 

As I continued to give him directions I realized that there was no way in hell I was about to get all of my stuff from the store back here on foot. Derek must have noticed it too, because he sighed. “I can’t believe you thought you were gonna get all the way down here without a car.” 

“Well,” You started, telling him to turn left at the next corner, pulling into your street. “I did have a car, but she kicked it about a quarter of a mile away from where you found me.” He gave me a look out of the corner of his eye. “I’m trying to see if I can find another car by the end of the weekend.” he was silent for a moment, and I almost felt nervous again. 

“Where do you work?” He asked breaking the tension. 

“A coffee shop downtown, which is fine, because really it’s only like a two mile walk to the metro, and then I just take it downtown and then it’s a block to the shop.” He nodded, moving a hand from the wheel to rub it against his chin. I had only known him for about an hour, but I could already tell when he was thinking. 

“I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a ride, you’re right on the way to Savannah’s work anyway, so I can grab you and drop you home, when do you need to get to work?” 

“No! Derek, I barely know you, I can’t possibly ask that of you.” I returned nervously, shaking my head furiously. 

“You’re not asking, I’m offering.” I sputtered in my response, trying to find a way to gracefully turn down the offer. “Just until you get your car.” He gave me a look, and I took a breath, closing my eyes and weighing my options. 

“Thank you.” I started. “I’m the early shift, I need to be at the shop at 6.” He nodded. 

“Perfect, Savannah’s shift ends at 6:30.” I blinked in surprise, this was working out scarily well. 

“Is there a way I can pay you back?” I asked, trying to find some way to be out of this man’s debt, though I knew that he would never hold it over my head. I don’t know what it was about this Derek Morgan, but I trusted him with my life. 

“You babysit little Hank.” My heart lit up. That was it? He was a peach! That would be a steal. 

“Deal.” I said excitedly. “He’s a sweetie anyway.” Derek’s face lit up as he pulled into the townhomes I was living in. 

“Yea my little man is a knock out isn’t he?” I grinned, smiling at his paternal pride. Derek helped me bring my bags up the one flight of stairs to my door and I unlocked it, really only just getting used to it. I had only lived here for what… nearly a month now? “This is a nice place you’ve got here.” He said, turning to look around the cozy little 1 bedroom. I placed the bags on the counter, and my eyes followed the lines of the room, smiling proudly to myself.

“Yea, I’m really proud of it. It’s not perfect yet, I still have some things I want to do, but I’ll have to wait until I have a bit more money to make any large improvements.” He nodded, hearing you without looking at you. 

“Well, Savannah no doubt gave you our numbers, so if you need anything, seriously, anything at all, please let us know.” I glanced down to the countertop, trying to reason with myself that I could accept that offer. I heard Derek standing in front of me before I saw him. “Hey, kid.” I met his eyes reluctantly. “I don’t know who told you that you were a burden, but you’re not to me okay? Trust me.” Something broke in me then and I found myself tearing up slightly as I nodded. 

He was a gentleman enough not to mention it as he turned and left the apartment, closing the door quietly behind him. I stared at the closed door for a few moments, forcing myself to settle, before I sighed and shook my head, turning my attention to the two weeks worth of food I had just bought. 

I had just finished putting away all the groceries and just pulled out a mini tub of frozen yogurt that thankfully was from my last shopping trip, when I decided to text the Morgan’s to thank them. Their response was a picture of Hank, perched in Derek’s lap as the two of them fell asleep on their couch watching a football game. Savannah had captioned it with “mid day naps”. I grinned, shaking my head at the adorable picture. 

Now it was time to see if I could afford any of the cars for sale, and if I couldn’t what other options I had… a bike couldn’t be that bad…

Right?

Turns out, I could definitely, _Not_ afford a new car yet. The cheapest one I could find was a cool 5 grand, and after rent next month, I had just enough for utilities and food until my next paycheck. So, with a resigned sigh, I dropped my head to the back of my chair and closed my eyes, praying that I would be able to make ends meet before I put out on the Morgan’s too much


	2. Wait No More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Y/n) finds a flyer at her day job promising enough money to not only make ends meet, but even earn her some savings... 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPZcCdrcru0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! If you have read any of my stuff before, I generally write in second person, and I use a lot of dialogue. This story is different because I don't do either of those things. I am writing in first person (Which I haven't done since middle school) and I am trying to use more descriptions, so if you see me jump back just ignore it- or even let me know in the comments! Thanks! Happy reading.

At 4:30 am that Monday morning, I dragged myself out of bed and slipped into a pair of black legging like dress pants and a red front tie shirt. Tossing my work apron into a bag, I grabbed a jean jacket just in case I found it cold, which was most likely not about to happen, and slipped my feet into my converse. Though stylish, they were also the most comfortable pair of shoes I had that wouldn’t slip on the floors of the coffee house. Slipping my phone, charger, and headphones into the bag, I grabbed my keys and locked my door, hopping down the stairs of my apartment to the doors that lead to the outside.Since it was only just after 5, it was still dark, and I was almost about to turn around and go back into the house when Derek’s truck pulled up and he waved from the driver’s side window. I waved back and rushed over to the truck. I noticed the baby seat in the back moments before I opened the door and I carefully opened it and slid in as quietly as I could, closing the door with a quiet click as I did. 

Derek nodded in greeting and pulled away from the curb, heading off towards the city. “How was the rest of your weekend?” He asked quietly, and I nodded, my eyes flicking to the mirror to see Hank was fast asleep. “Don’t worry about him, he’s out like a light.” I nodded and smiled. 

“Good, I went looking for some cars but they are crazy expensive here!” I threw my hands up in exasperation. “Everything is more expensive here.” Derek nodded in sympathy. 

“Yea, the city is great, but the prices… not so much.” You nodded furiously in agreement. 

The rest of the ride was filled with quiet music from the radio, both of us comfortable in the silence as I watched with rapt attention as the city came closer into view, seeing everything I normally wouldn’t see when I was driving. When we finally breached the city, my eyes flicked up to check on the baby again to see his little eyes open and staring at the buildings outside. How strange it must be to be a child in a city. You go to sleep, and then you wake up and suddenly you’re in a bustling metropolis like DC. Must be scary. Then again, being a child right now anywhere must be strange. I was very okay with my 90s kid childhood, no matter how brief it may have been. 

Derek pulled up to the coffee shop at just past 5:45, giving me plenty of time to get in to work early. Thanking him profusely and quietly, I closed the door just as gently and hopped down from the truck and made my way up to the metal grate, ducking under it and knocking on the door, alerting my coworker to my arrival. Derek waited until I was inside, and gave him a quick wave before he drove off, turning in the direction of the hospital. 

The day went by so fast that when I checked my phone again, it was just past 3, and my double shift was nearly over. Not only did I get time and half, but I also got to have a thirty minute break, which I readily took the second my manager said I could. Cup of coffee in hand and a sandwich made by Steve in the back, I curled up in a corner and tucked in. There’s a feeling when coffee hits that certain spot in your soul that is simultaneously the best and worst feeling in the world. It lulls you into a state of such comfort, then smacks you with caffeine, and that’s what gives you a second wind. 

My eyes had just opened from this blissful moment when I spied the young woman posting up a flyer on the billboard. What caught my attention though, was the little tags on the bottom with a phone number, and the word in bright white letters “HIRING!” Curiosity getting the best of me, I stood a few moments after she left and read the flyer. What I saw made me both extremely excited at the possibility of easy money, but also terrified at what it could mean. 

“HIRING! 18+  
The Red Lounge. Flexible Hours, Nights preferred, $23 an hour, plus additional for each class. Professional Submissive.” 

I looked to both sides of me, making sure no one was watching before I pulled a tab for myself and stuffed it into my pocket. Just then, the timer on my break went off, and I was required to clock back in. All but forgetting about the flyer, I returned to work, hurrying to help with a rush that had formed just before my break had ended. 

Two hours later I was clocking out officially, an 11 hour day knocking me near on my ass. Derek had texted me saying that he was in the city, and if I needed a ride to let him know. Thanking whatever gods would listen for good timing, I told him I was, in fact ready, and he responded with a thumbs up. Ten minutes later, his truck pulled up and once again I climbed into the truck, a coffee for us both and two croissants in hand. 

He gave me a look like I was his saviour and took his coffee happily. I placed the pastries on the floor of the truck while he pulled out, merging into the late day traffic. Hank was not in the car this time, and Derek explained that he was at a daycare when he saw me looking. 

I nodded, leaning forward to untie my apron. Suddenly, Derek’s hand shot out and slammed into my chest, pushing me back into the chair as my body lurched forward from him slamming on the breaks. Just as he did, two black suburban’s rushed past, red and blue lights flashing and sirens wailing. Frozen, I stared in shock as they passed, my shock then directed at him. I hadn’t even heard them coming, but he had, and even now as he continued on, his eyes still followed them down the DC streets. 

“Sorry.” He said quietly, blinking and focusing back on the road in front of him. 

“No, It’s okay.” I took a breath, pulling my apron over my head and then stuffing it into my bag. There was a few moments of silence before I spoke again. “How long have you been out?” I asked, finally connecting the dots, the gun holster, the incredible perception, and the reaction time, he was law enforcement. 

He gave me a look out of the corner of his eye, bracing his arm on the door and leaning his chin onto his hand, shifting in his seat. “Just under a year. I got out just after Hank was born.” I nodded slowly, eyes darting around. He heard my unasked question and figured I was safe enough to answer it. “I was FBI.” The answer startled me, but at the same time, made sense, the man was too good to be just a normal cop. “But I was Chicago PD before that.” Again I nodded. 

“Do you miss it?” The silence was an answer in of itself. I felt myself smile, and then laugh slightly. Derek looked at me like I was crazy. Which only made me laugh harder. 

“Alright, you’re either exhausted or have had way too much caffeine today.” He teased and I just shook my head, trying to get myself back under control. 

“I just realized I asked a former FBI agent if he was going to chop me up and send me back to my mom.” The confusion, then realization, and then humour hit Derek all at once and soon he was joining me in my fit of laughter. 

When we had calmed down enough to resume normal conversation, we started talking about his job, or at least, the parts he could tell me, and the traffic seemingly melted away. What no doubt would have taken at least 2 hours, felt like nothing, and soon enough we were pulling up to my apartment, the sun hanging low in the sky. 

A quick goodbye and Derek was pulling away, waiting just a moment for me to enter the building and lock the door behind me. His overprotective nature suddenly made so much sense to me then, old habits die hard. I couldn’t help but find it endearing. He barely knew me, but here he was, already claiming me as someone he was going to protect. And if I was being totally honest, it was the safest I felt in a long, long time. It also made me wonder, what other agencies were living in this neighborhood? Was my neighbor a CIA operative? Was my landlord Ex NSA? With how quickly she responded to texts about bad faucets I would argue no, but then again, maybe that was all a part of the ruse. Oh how exciting. 

Giddy, I scurried up the steps into my apartment and unlocked the door, closing it securely behind me. While I also felt safe, the fact that I could still see through a crack in my door jam made me think that maybe, just maybe, I should get a security system.. Or a dog. 

A quick google search, and a bank statement check later and I was looking up how to DIY a rube-goldberg style machine to trap bad guys Home Alone style. Though, Luckily, there was a shelter downtown that allowed you to foster, and they would even pay people to take the more aggressive breeds. 

That was how, three days later, I was walking my new foster pup Daisy a 3 year old Dobermann, seized from an apartment by animal control. To say I was in love was an understatement. And when the Morgan’s invited me over, and extended the invitation to Daisy, I couldn’t help my excitement when we started the walk down the street to the Morgan residence. 

Daisy was fiercely protective of me already, but she was extremely calm and didn’t pull on the leash. The most she would do was switch sides to stand between myself and any who might be walking even remotely near me. When we arrived at Morgan’s, she sat politely on my heel. Maybe they were right when they said that some dogs just had good manners. 

Derek fell even harder and faster than I did when he opened the door and saw Daisy sitting, her head tilting this way and that. He gave me a look that said he would steal her from me if I gave him the chance. I of course wouldn’t, and only when Savannah was sure that Daisy wouldn’t dare touch Hank, she allowed Derek to take off her leash and let her free roam. Daisy posted up next to Hank, laying with her back to him in his bouncer, watching everyone carefully, her ears pointing forward and alert. 

Not long after, Savannah collected Hank to give him his dinner, which consisted of cut up spaghetti and meatballs, which Derek assured me he had cooked. This earned him a smack on the arm and a playful glare, but he just pulled Savannah down for a quick kiss and he was forgiven. Daisy once again found her place beside you, laying under my chair, head in her paws. 

Derek watched her for a moment before he nodded down to her, speaking to me. “She was either really well trained, or that dog has crazy manners. Do you know where she’s from?” I shook my head, wiping at my face with a napkin. 

“No, they couldn’t tell me much more than she was seized from an apartment, and that she may be aggressive or territorial.” I replied, reaching my head down to pat her head gently. She licked at some stray sauce on my hand and giggle, wiping the slobber off on my pants. 

“Well, I wouldn’t say she’s territorial, definitely protective.” Savannah added, turning her attention from feeding Hank a little slice of meatball to glance down at the dog. 

“She’s gonna be perfect for your apartment. You know, I could fix that door.” He offered and both Savannah and I gave him a bored look. 

“Like you don’t have enough going on right now.” Savannah said, pointing with her fork to a door that was slightly off its hinges. A windstorm must have ripped it off and he had brought it inside to assess the damage, and next to that was a paint can, and next to that was a box for a new faucet for the bathroom. Derek ducked his head playing with the food on his plate, a playful pout on his face. “Mmhm. That’s what I thought.” She said, winking at me. I had to bite my cheek to keep from laughing at Derek’s pain. 

After dinner, I helped Savannah clean up the dishes while Derek put the baby to sleep, and soon after, all of us were sitting in the living room, Daisy’s head in Derek’s lap as he spoiled her with ear scratches and belly rubs. Savannah had just poured me a glass of wine when her work pager went off, and she sighed, closing her eyes and dropping her head back down to her chest. I had realized later that it wasn’t “Mrs. Morgan.” but “Dr.Morgan”, and when she let me sweat a few moments she had laughed me off, telling me not to worry about it, considering I didn’t know and I was just trying to be polite. 

A silent communication went between them and when she excused herself to go change, Derek pat on Daisy’s side to tell her to get up, which she did instantly and I followed after him, grabbing my light rain jacket and Daisy’s leash. She let me clip it to her collar and Derek opened the door for me, grabbing his keys to get the car started. He walked with me to the end of the driveway, pressing the auto start on his car while he did. “Hey, text me when you’re home, and be safe.” He said seriously and I rolled my eyes, motioning down to the massive dobermann at my side. “I’m serious.” He insisted, his eyes changing from just protective to pleading. I nodded slowly, knowing he was remembering things I would never see or understand. 

“I’ll be careful, I promise. I shared my location with you, so you’ll know where I am the whole time.” The joke had been made that they would add you to their Life360 before the month was out, and Derek had seriously considered it. 

“Okay, have a good night, (Y/n).” I waved to him gently before kissing Daisy forward and we set off on our walk back home, the light rain adding a soothing air to the lazy street. I almost wanted to take the long way home, but knowing that Derek was no doubt staring at his phone to make sure I was safe, I took the short way and arrived at my house 10 minutes later. I sent him a quick text to confirm, and he read it, not needing to respond. Daisy, having already made herself at home, jumped up on the couch favourite toy locked in her jaw while I moved to my kitchen to put on a pot of tea. 

It was then that I noticed the stack of mail I had tossed on the counter when I had gotten back from work in favour of walking Daisy, and then dinner with the Morgan’s. My heart dropped dramatically when I saw the amount for my bills. I knew they would be high this month, a heat wave ripped through DC, and with an average temperature of 94, my AC was cranked up all the way, trying to combat the shitty insulation of the old town home. 

I tried to do the mental math, but even with extra hours and an advance on my paycheck, there was no way I was about to make all my bills. Pulling my apron out of my bag, having forgotten it in there after work, I dug through my pockets trying to find my tips. But instead of a wad of ones and fives stuffed into my pocket, I pulled out a tiny white strip of paper with a number for The Red Lounge printed neatly on the top. 

Dropping my apron, forgotten on the floor, I worried my lip between my teeth, and then my eyes slid to the bills and I decided, fuck it, there were worse ways to make money, and I dialed the number. 

So that Friday night, Which luckily was one of my three days off, I was dressed in a black crop top with a V-neck, and black high waisted shorts, and once again, my trusty black converse. After taking care of Daisy, I took a Lyft to the closest Metro station, and made the short walk to The Red Lounge, entering through a back door reserved for staff. They had hired me right on the phone, explaining that they had just lost a submissive who was scheduled for three classes that night, and they needed someone who would come in and fill in on an emergency. They were paying me a cool $200 for the night, and I was in no position to say no. With the affirmation that it was nothing too crazy, I was hanging my coat on a peg and adjusting my outfit slightly before I made my way into the bar area. The lights were still on, the club not opening for another hour or so, and I spotted the woman I was looking for almost instantly. She had cranberry red hair, her goth style striking against the red of her hair. Her face had multiple piercings, and she had gauges. She looked exactly like I wanted to in middle school, and I was already a big fan. When she spotted me, she stopped her conversation with the man she was speaking to, his back to me as he leaned against the bar.

He was also in black, as was the uniform for the lounge, his hair was long and brown, but still somehow neatly squared away. He was nursing a drink on the bar, but the slight fizz told me it was probably just a coke. He turned when she all but squealed in excitement, rushing around the man to clasp her hands on my forearms, jumping up and down slightly. “Oh my god! You must be (Y/n)! Holy shit you have saved me, you have no idea.” She turned back to the man at the bar. “Spencer! Spencer come here!” The man smiled slightly and pushed up from the bar, straightening up to his full height. I took a breath when I realized he would probably tower over me. 

This hypothesis was confirmed when he came to stand beside the woman, Desiree I recalled and nodded to me, his eyes scanning me quietly. “You called?” He teased, returning his cheeky grin to the woman holding my arms, who shifted to pull my shoulders under her arm and hug me to her side. 

“Spencer, this is (Y/n), she’s going to fill in tonight for Rachel.” the way she all but spat out the girl’s name told me all I need to know. Rachel was not a fan favourite. This man, Spencer, rolled his eyes at the name but smiled to me all the same. “You’re a real lifesaver, Rachel bailed last second, and we don’t have any submissives on call tonight to fill. So if you don’t mind, you’re going to act as Spencer’s for tonight.” My face went pale then I blushed. I wasn’t a stranger to this kid of stuff, I had dabbled in college, but never anything… professional. Mustering all the confidence I could I nodded, smiling brightly. 

“Sure!” I responded, surprising myself at how convincing I was. 

“Great!” Desiree chirped, clapping her hands together before she checked her phone, swearing at the time. “Okay, I have to go, but why don’t you two get comfortable, and then when we open, y’all can get to work! Thank you so much again, (Y/n).” She rushed forward and grabbed my face in her hands, kissing my cheeks. Then she was gone, like the whirlwind she was. Spencer watched her go with a fond affection that only came from work friendship. Then his attention was back on me and I felt small under his gaze. 

“You’ve never done this before, have you?” He asked, all but forcing me to follow him to the bar as he extended his hand behind my back. 

“Professionally? No.” I admitted, and he nodded, reaching over the bar to grab a glass with one hand, and the soda gun with the other, he motioned with his eyes for me to choose what I drank, and I pressed the button, filling my glass. As he stretched to return the gun to its place, I took that moment to look him over. 

His arms, or what I could see under his sleeves were strong, and his hands had very defined veins, and up his arms was evidence that there were large veins just under the surface there too. He was lithe and lean, but still built like he could lift more than his weight should he need to. Self Consciousness got the best of me and I worried that even then it might not be enough to lift me. I snapped out of that quickly when he returned to his seat, holding up his glass to clink it with mine. I thanked him quietly, then used both hands to cup the glass, trying not to let him see my hands shaking. 

“Okay, well in your non-professional experience, what have you done?” The conversation was needed, he needed to know what was going to come completely out of left field for me, and what was comfort zone things. He didn’t look like he was rushing me, just watching me carefully. 

“Uhm..” I realized then that maybe I was way out of my element here. There were things on the walls that I wasn’t even sure I knew the names of, and there were rooms labeled things that I had never heard of. I felt his hand on my chin, turning my attention back to him with a subtle command that made my heart flutter. “Sorry.” I apologized quietly, looking to my feet. Once again he tilted my head up, and with a look ordered me to keep attention on him. 

“Hey, don’t apologize, don’t worry, I was overwhelmed when I walked in the first time too. Just focus here.” He pointed to his eyes and I nodded, taking a moment to steady myself. 

“I’ve done mostly the basics, you know, fuzzy handcuffs, light spanking, denial…” I trailed off, feeling myself getting flustered. I barely knew this guy and here I was telling him the dirty details of my sex life. Though, from the lack of blush on his face and small smirk growing, I could tell that maybe, just maybe, I was more vanilla than milk compared to this guy. 

“Well, this is a bit more than that. Are you going to be okay with that?” I nodded, taking another sip of my drink, my hand noticeably less shaky. “Are you sure? Because you can back out now, no hard feelings.” I shook my head, determined. 

“I can do this.” I insisted, and he let out a slight huff of a laugh. 

“I don’t doubt that, but do you want to?” the question made me pause. I wanted the money, but did I want this? His kind smile eased my nerves and I nodded. “I need you to say it.” He demanded quietly.

“Yes, I want to do this.” He nodded, taking my hand in his and squeezing it tightly. 

“Okay, then let’s get you ready.” I instantly felt comfortable in his hands, and when he pulled me to stand, I followed without question.


	3. Waiting Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Y/n) Experiences her first classes with Spencer.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYbWB0iZW7Q

“Getting me ready” consisted mostly of Spencer walking me around the club, telling me where everything was should he ask for it or I need it during the night. He also showed me the green room, where we would be waiting between sessions in order to decompress and debrief after to make sure I was comfortable. By the time we returned to the bar area, the lights had been turned off, and the accent red lights had been turned on, shadowing the entire club in a red glow. Spencer had kept his hand on my shoulder the entire time, and when he brushed his hand over the back of my neck, I felt goosebumps raise over my flesh. 

“You really should put your hair up, It makes life easier for everyone.” He commented, letting his fingers run through my hair as he spoke. I closed my eyes slightly against the feeling and nodded. “Do you have a hair tie?” Again I nodded, pulling two from my back pocket. He made a motion with his finger to tell me to turn around, and once again, his hand was on my shoulder, guiding me to a table and setting me down in a chair. I stared straight ahead slightly confused. 

“I.. I can do it.” I said quietly when I felt him start to brush my hair out with his long fingers. 

“I’m sure you can, but I want it done a certain way.” The dominance in the sentence made my heart stutter again, and I sat still, letting him manipulate my hair as he wanted. I felt him part it in the middle, and when his hand appeared by my face, I instinctively handed him an elastic and he tied away a portion. Then I felt him start at the front of my hair and with practiced ease, he brought my hair back down to my neck in a perfectly tight braid. 

To my surprise, he never once tugged painfully at my scalp, and I actually found myself relaxing into the attention, my breathing getting deeper as I let him do as he wished. His hand once again appeared in front of me and I handed him the other tie, letting him tie off the braid. He did the same to the other side, and when it was done he could have asked me to drink poison and I would have, I was putty in his hands. He brought me once again to my feet and smirked knowingly at the slightly blissed out look on my face. 

“There, now not only can I see your beautiful face, but your hair is out of the way for our demonstrations too.” His hands cupped either side of my face, bringing me to look at him, but I couldn’t meet his eyes, still hung up on the compliment he gave me. He cleared his throat gently, and my eyes flicked up to his, earning me a soft and approving smile. 

The rules that he had given me for the night were simple for the time being, firstly, I was to obey his orders unless undue harm would come to me or others, second I was to tell him immediately if I was uncomfortable or scared “no” meaning exactly that additionally the Club’s safeword of Red was always in play, lastly, no one was to touch me without my permission, and if anyone did, I was to tell him immediately. No punishment for failing to obey, “for now” he had added with a wink. Which only served to make me blush furiously. He seemed to love doing that, because he grinned, and then placed a light kiss on my forehead, a teasing action meant to only make me blush further. 

By the time 8 pm rolled around, we were waiting in the greenroom, sharing a couch. Spencer had pulled my legs over his and his hand laying over my ankles. We had gotten into this position when my shoe had come untied, and he had tutted, spouting off some random fact about the various serious injuries that could result from tripping on shoelaces, none of which I believed was actually factual. I had expressed as much and he gave me a dangerous look which made butterflies erupt in my stomach. 

“Are you questioning me?” He dared me. I narrowed my eyes and bit my tongue, fighting back my attitude that I was slowly using the more he teased me.I had the sneaking suspicion that he noticed too. 

“I would never dare question you, _Sir_ ” I drawled on the honorific he had told me to refer to him as watching as his eyes twitched and then narrowed. 

“You are so lucky we are in neutral ground and you don’t have a punishment list yet.” He taunted dangerously and I felt my eyes go wide against my will. He smirked when he noticed, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. The door to the green room opened with a light knock the only warning before Desiree popped her head in. 

“Spencer? You guys are up, class is just getting settled.” She turned to me, giving me two thumbs up despite the clipboard in her hands and I swallowed thickly, returning it to her with slightly shaking hands. 

All tension essentially gone, Spencer pat the side of my shins and pushed my legs off him gently before offering me his hand to help me stand. When I was on my feet he pulled me into him, his free hand wrapping around my waist and holding me for a moment. “You’re going to be great.” He said quietly, giving me a reassuring hug which felt slightly odd considering what he had just said, but I took it in stride, walking with him to the doors. “But just a reminder,” He pointed with his thumb to the room just beyond the door. “That… is not neutral ground.” The warning did not go unheeded, and I took a steadying breath before I followed him out into the room, keeping my head down to brace myself to the sea of people I was about to see. 

I don’t know what I was expecting, maybe people on leashes, or in dog masks like I had seen on parody shows, but seeing people mostly in street clothes, the only exception being a few souls who had worn what looked like nicer gym attire, honestly, of the group, they looked the most comfortable. 

I felt my heart stutter slightly, dropping to my stomach before I felt Spencer’s hand on my lower back. He had noticed me fall slightly behind and he was reassuring me as he led me further into the room, and up onto the little stage that had been set up. He had mentioned that this was a Shibari-esque Art class, which I took to mean rope art. I knew what shibari was, so it wasn’t hard to discern the nature of the class from what little information he was able to give me. 

Releasing his light grip on my hip, he let me stand slightly off to the side before he moved to the front and center, and clasped his hands together in front of him. The way the room went silent and they all looked up at him respectfully and expectantly made me feel some kind of way. It was a mix of pride, knowing that the respect he no doubt gave him was at least, somewhat directed towards me as his submissive for the class, but also a bit of fear. How did they know to shut up and listen without him saying a word? I could command a room, but only after I had done something to gain their attention. The one time I had stepped in as a substitute for my TA friend’s history review I had had to clap my hands like a god damn preschool teacher. 

Granted, that said more about the 18-23 year olds I was teaching than me, but still. Spencer just had to stand there, his natural power stance and slight upward tilt of his head made all in the room turn to him. I shifted slightly in my spot. I noticed a few of the gathered group, dominant and submissive alike scan their eyes over me, and over Spencer, a few of their eyes lit with jealousy when they noticed their partners looking for a moment too long. 

Spencer didn’t let the silence last more than a few seconds before he cleared his throat and spoke. “Hello all, My name is Spencer and I will be your demonstrator tonight for this Rope Art 101. Now, a few of you I recognize from previous classes, hello.” He waved and dipped his head to those who returned his look with a smile. “And those of you who I haven’t I need to preface the rules of the Red Lounge. No touching what isn’t yours without permission, the Lounge’s safety words operate on the stop light system, and be respectful of all staff dominant or submissive. A few rules I have of my own: If it's not your dynamic, keep your mouth shut about it, report any concerning behaviours to myself or the security, and also, I didn’t see you, you didn’t see me. Privacy is important.” He clapped his hands together after his speech, punctuating his points with the noise. 

He then swept his hand out to me and smiled, nodding reassuringly as I extended my hand and let it slide into his warm and inviting one. He gripped it tightly when he felt it shaking slightly, giving me a look to check on me. I smiled sweetly nodding once. “Just stage fright, Sir.” I whispered and his mouth turned up in a slight smile before he nodded imperceptibly and brought me up to be more front and center. 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is (Y/n), she is going to be my model for tonight.” The group answered with light applause and I ducked my head shyly, my body miming a light curtsy automatically, which earned me a quiet laugh. It took me a second to realize it came more from the man beside me than the audience. “Isn’t she beautiful?” I tried not to show how much the comment made me want to freeze. “Right, let’s get started, everyone have their Skeins? You should have been able to pick one up outside if you haven’t brought your own.” 

One partner from each couple lifted a coil of rope in various colours. Most noticeably, there was a red rope with a coil of black running through. From the rope on a table beside Spencer, I deduced that this was probably the house brand. 

Spencer turned to me at this, handing me a looped portion of the rope, a silent order to hold it. I did, watching as he pulled the other end and a long coil or rope unraveled cleanly. A glance to the room told me the rest of the group was following along, some further ahead than others, already finding the middle of their ropes and holding it in their hands. Spencer took that part from my hand and held it up. 

He started first by spinning his finger, an instruction for me to turn around, and I did so happily, wanting nothing more than to focus on the black curtain on the back wall instead of the at least 50 faces staring up at me. I then felt him bring the loop to my spine, just before the last of my ribs, and loop the end through it. 

I now understood why they said to wear tighter clothing: less of a chance to get caught in the rope or knots. I tried to listen as he explained everything, but I was more entranced by the feeling of the rope on my body. It wasn’t tight, at least, not unbearably so, but it wasn’t loose, just a constant pressure. He turned my body with his hands, brining the rope over my left shoulder and down, between my breasts to my right hip, where he looped it under and then moved to show the class. 

Feeling people staring at my chest was a strange feeling, but I was staring right back, so I guess it wasn’t _that_ strange. He mirrored the ropes path back up my chest and over my right shoulder. I glanced down when he paused to see the triangle crossing over my sternum. Spencer turned me again, and I was staring once again at the wall as he looped the rope under the one around my ribs.

“Hands up, interlace your fingers behind your head.” Came Spencer’s quiet command. It took me longer than I would like to admit that he was speaking to me. When he said my name in a quiet warning, I quickly moved, whispering an apology quickly. He ran his free hand over back in a comforting movement telling me without words that there was no harm done. I did as he asked, and he pulled the rope around the right side of my ribs under my arm at an angle. 

When I face front again, he paused for just a moment to check on the group quickly, then brought the next line of the rope over my chest, sitting on the top of my breasts, just below my collar bone. Around I went again, facing the back of the room. 

I expected my head to be spinning the more he turned me, but the ropes were surprisingly grounding, and I felt myself getting more and more comfortable the longer he went. His hands never left me, and I could feel their warmth through my shirt, and their pressure on my hips when he turned me. I could feel more than see him loop the end of the rope through the portion that he had just done on my back, then back the same way he had just come, this time higher, nearly in my armpit but not quite. 

This time he waited a while longer, knowing that some would be confused. I heard him speaking this time, and was more prepared to answer. “How are you doing? Okay?” He asked quietly, again running his hand down my back. 

“I’m okay Sir.” My voice was breathier than I expected, and he chuckled when he heard it too. 

“Nothing too tight? Nothing tingling?” I shook my head no, emphasizing it with words only a millisecond later, remembering to be verbal with my answers. “Okay, let me know.” then he added. “What’s the word to stop.” he quizzed. 

“Red, Sir.” I answered instantly, wanting to prove I had been listening. 

“Good girl.” The blush and rush of endorphins I felt from that simple proud response should have been illegal. I bit my lip gently, not wanting him to see, and luckily, he was staring out at the group so he didn’t. 

He once again returned to his teaching, turning me to face front as he crossed it over my chest and brought it over the opposite shoulder, he tapped my arm to tell me to drop it just a moment as he came over, placing this new set of ropes next to the previous line that was already there. 

I felt him pull this once again through the previous line, and then repeated the whole set on the other side, turning me as he needed to. At this point, when he turned me to the back, he let me stay there a while, showing the class how to tie off the whole ordeal in an orderly fashion. I chanced a look down, and gasped quietly at the design he had created over my chest. The upsidedown star crossed over my body in such an elegant way, that I was almost shocked it was my body that this art was on. 

“So, when everything is finished, your tie should look something like this. This is a relatively easy tie, but then again, everyone starts somewhere so don’t be discouraged if it isn’t perfect yet.” Spencer’s voice was loud and clear over the room. “Plus,” He paused, hooking his hand into the back of the tie, harness essentially, and made a point of pulling sharply back so I fell into his body. This earned a yelp from me, and my hand flailed out to catch myself on his chest, which was alarmingly tone. It wasn’t hard to tell he was strong, but it still surprised me the lack of give on this small man. “The loop we added works very well as a way to control a particularly unruly submissive.” 

I gave him a playful glare, knowing that this was his way of getting me back for my little comment earlier. He didn’t react to my glare, keeping his face forward as he released me and then moved forward, hopping off the stage-which was only a few inches off the ground- to approach his “students”. He held a hand up to me, not looking, just expecting me to move (which of course I did) and take his hand. After he helped me down he instructed me to start at the corner and work my way down, checking on those who were tied, while he started on the opposite corner to check the ties. 

Regrettably, I found myself surprised at not only the equal distribution of men and women as those being tied, but also age ranges, the youngest being early 20s, and the oldest a shocking 50 year old couple. Both of which having the time of their life, giggling and smiling brightly. The woman had explained that they were only just now exploring this part of themselves and loving it. I had placed my hand on her arm in a sort of hug and she smiled, doing the same to me. 

At one point, Spencer and I started on the same row but on opposite ends, working slowly towards each other. When I was just beside him, I felt his hand reach out and run first over a rope, then down my back and over the curve of my hip. I glanced up at him, and smiled slightly. He returned it, and then we crossed, and worked our way back to our end points. 

When I reached my final pair, the class was just about over, and I watched from the rear of the room as Spencer mounted the stage again, and once more commanded the attention of the entire room. “Well, that does it for myself and (Y/n). We will be here for a few minutes after if you have any questions, but other than that, you are all free to go, whether that be to enjoy the bar and the rest of the club, or to go back to your homes and practice,” He gave them a wink, and like the charming motherfucker he was made half the room swoon. “In which case, I wish you a safe drive him, and safe playing.” The group clapped and he took a slight bow, watching carefully as they filed slowly out of the room. 

Desiree popped her head in, smiling brightly before she closed the door behind them and locked it, exiting out through the greenroom door. The moment it closed behind her, Spencer’s full attention was on me and I felt my heart jump when his hand turned and with one finger commanded me to come to him. His face was unreadable, and I worried for just a moment I had done something wrong. 

I climbed the stairs, and stood nervously in front of him as he sat in a stool. His tall frame was still eye level with me despite his lowered position, but there was no doubt who was in control of this situation. I worried my cheek between my teeth, but instantly relaxed when his hands landed on my shoulders and drifted down my arms to catch my hands in his. His face broke into a comforting smile, his thumb rubbing soothing circles in the back of my hands. “How’d I do?” I asked quietly, watching as his head ducked slightly, laughing quietly at my innocent response. 

“You did wonderfully, (Y/n). I’m very proud of you.” I felt myself shy under the praise, leaning back on my feet as I hid my face from him. “Hey, eyes here.” He ordered softly, and I instantly brought my eyes to his. His face was serious, but then melted back to that comforting ease. “Hi.” He replied quietly. 

“Hi.” I echoed, my voice small. His hand came up to the side of my face, brushing a loose hair behind my ear gently. 

“You okay?” His voice was lower, quiet, but still commanding even as it cracked lightly. 

“I’m fine, Sir. I actually really had fun.” I replied honestly, tearing my eyes away from his to look over the now empty room. 

“Well good, I’m glad. Not so scary now that you’ve done it right?” I shook my head in response, it wasn’t verbal, but the eye contact I gave him but have been an okay trade off. “You think you’re up to doing more?” I pale slightly, but then thought about it. I was getting paid to try something new with a very attractive man, in a safe place, and most of all, I was able to try things I would never know to try or have the confidence to ask for with a partner. So, I nodded, a bright smile on my face. 

“Yes, I really want to try more.” I affirmed. 

“What do you want to ask?” He said suddenly, and I startled. How had he known that there was something I wanted to ask? I realized then that I had shifted in my stance, curled my fingers slightly in his hands and had looked away for a split moment. He saw all of that and read me like a book. I had to fight the defiant look that spread across my face. He raised an eyebrow in curious warning and I sighed, relenting. 

“Would… would it be okay if I kept this on for the night?” I looked down to the harness as I spoke, and by the grin that lit up his face, the question was answered before he spoke. 

“Are you comfortable?” I rolled my shoulders and neck, then nodded. “Then yes, you can.” I grinned and to my surprise bounced on the balls of my feet slightly. “But the second you’re uncomfortable, you tell me, understand?” He said seriously, stopping me in mid bounce. 

“Yes, Sir. I promise.” I replied just as seriously, and he smiled, nodding once.

“Let’s go get a drink of water, yea?” I nodded, and he stood, taking my hand in his as he led me out of the room and to the Green room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adding a song to each chapter! Haven't done this in a while either! By the end you should have a perfect playlist!


	4. My Oh My

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Y/n) meets the most hated member of The Red Lounge, and wonders if maybe she was catching feelings a bit too fast. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fd2kkLmSDQ
> 
> (Yes I know this one is cheesy, sue me).

Spencer’s body language changed the moment he opened the door and saw who was on the other side of it. A man, probably in his 40s or 50s was leaning against the small dry bar in the green room, a young woman, in her early to mid 30s sitting on her knees by his side, not looking anywhere. When she heard the door open however, her eyes darted up and the look of relief that crossed her face when she saw Spencer made me uneasy.   
The man against the bar’s eyes narrowed when he saw us, and against my better judgement I stepped slightly behind Spencer, his body turning and his arm going around me in a protective manner while he rendered a pleasant smile to the man against the bar. “Keith, I didn’t know you were working tonight. Hello Jennie.” He said, directing the second half to the woman on the floor. I watched as her mouth curled in a small nervous smile. 

“I’m not. Here as a guest tonight.” His foot kicked out slightly pointing to the girl at his feet. “Saw my friend Jennie and decided to come say hi.” If I’d never met a snake oil salesman in my life, I had now. Seriously, if you were to draw this man, he’d have a striped suit, a monocle and a curly mustache. No doubt if this guy was accused of murder everyone would believe it. He was a living red flag. Well, enough comparisons ran through my head to this guy, that I almost didn’t hear Spencer’s response. 

“You know that you’re not allowed to be back here unless you’re working.” He replied with such authority that I almost felt like I was being scolded. Jennie tensed, and I wanted to go to her. I glanced up at Spencer, and almost like he read my mind, he let me go. 

“Uhm.. Jennie, can.. Can you come with me to the bathroom?” Keith, at the bar, glared at me and then directed his gaze to Spencer. 

“You’re going to let her leave without asking you?” Spencer’s voice was venom. Even snake oil salesmen had to be careful. 

“You know as well as I do that this room is neutral ground, and yes, she is allowed to go wherever she pleases. Unlike you I’m not a sadist with my submissives’ bodily functions. If she feels safer going to the bathroom with Jennie, then she’s going to go with Jennie.” Jennie almost instantly scrambled to her feet, taking my offered hand and giving me a look of desperate thanks. 

A quick glance over my shoulder as I passed Keith was rewarded with a look of pride in Spencer’s eyes as I helped the poor girl escape this tense situation. In all honesty, I did have to go to the bathroom. And with only a 15 minute down time between our last class and the next, I was using this as my chance. Jennie and I made it to the employee bathroom only a few moments later and she rushed inside, pulling me with her. Just as we crossed the threshold, she wrapped me in her arms and held me tightly.

Concerned, I wrapped my arms around her tightly and brought her to sit on the covered lid of the toilet. “Hey.Hey you’re okay.” I shushed, reaching out for a paper towel to wipe at the first tears threatening her makeup. “I’m right here, you’re okay.” I said quietly, crouching before her to hold her hands similarly to how Spencer had held mine earlier. “Hey, Jennie, can you tell me five things you see?” I knew a panic attack coming when I saw one. 

“T..the air freshener.” She started, hesitantly after her confusion gave way to wanting to comply. “The toilet paper holder, your harness, the painting, the soap dispenser.” I smiled, nodding. 

“Good! Four things you hear?” I added encouragingly. 

“The f..fan, the music, your voice, my heartbeat.” 

“Three things you smell.” In a bathroom the choices were limited, and not wholly pleasant, but they were there. 

“Lavender,” The air freshener. “Bleach?” The toilet cleaner. “Musk?” My perfume. 

“Two things you feel.” 

She was much calmer now, taking a few deep breaths. “Your hands,” She squeezed them gently in emphasis. “And this cold fucking toilet.” she added, eyes opening to glare at the offending thing. I couldn’t help but laugh as I released her hands, wetting a paper towel to place on the back of her neck to help with the clamminess. She took it gratefully, and looked up to me with doe like eyes. “Thank you.” She said after a moment and I waved her off, turning to check on myself in the mirror. I wiped at my face, the sweat gathered on my brow probably more from nerves than the heat. 

This was also the first time I saw the harness in all its glory. It was beautiful. I almost wished I could wear it forever. “Don’t thank me.” I glanced down to her and smiled awkwardly. “I do have to pee though.” She got up with a giggle and allowed me to sit, relieving myself as she fixed her makeup, gracefully not looking at me. 

I took this moment to see her fully for the first time. She, too, had red hair, but hers was natural, and it was up in a pretty almost bow like style. She was slender, her long legs vanishing under a black miniskirt. Her black top was tucked in and it was slightly billowing. Her nose and cheeks were dusted with light freckles and her piercing green eyes had tinges of gold around the outside. Easily could play Merida, everything about her princess-like. 

She moved once again when I came to wash my hands, leaning her back against the cupboard in the corner to give me space. “Seriously thought, (Y/n), I need to thank you, you and Spencer. I had tried to ditch Keith after he saw me working the bar, but he followed me into the green room.” I glanced down to her red knees, and frowned. She noticed and sighed. “I wasn’t down there for long. I had asked him to leave the green room because he wasn’t working and he pushed me down just before you guys walked in.” 

I was furious now. “Look, Jennie. I don’t know much about this world,” I extended my hands around. “It’s legitimately my first day, but I know for a fact that isn’t how this works. There has to be someone you can report him to.” I dried my hands, leaning back against the counter. 

“We’ve all tried, but he’s the owner’s buddy, so whenever someone says something, he dismisses it because he doesn’t want his buddy to be mad. Then Keith calms down for a few days, and then he’s back at it again.” She rolled her eyes angrily. “Spencer’s the only one who will stand up to him anymore.” I felt a stab of pride in my chest, knowing that he was mine for tonight, or maybe, that I was his… I don’t know. 

As if he heard us talking about him, there was a purposeful knock on the door. “Jennie? (Y/n)?” 

“We’re in here Spencer.” She responded, moving to the door. 

“I’m going to come in okay? It’s just me.” She nodded, then remembered he couldn’t see her and responded in the affirmative, unlocking the door. I watched with barely subdued joy as he squeezed himself inside, trying to open the door as little as possible before slipping inside. He looked to me first, checking me over from head to toe before his attention was on Jennie. “Are you okay?” He asked, leaning against the door. 

“Yea, (Y/n) was able to calm me down from the panic attack, but I’m okay. Thank you.” Jennie gripped her elbows in her opposite hand, hugging herself as she looked down to her shoes embarrassed. Spencer looked to me, that proud look on his face again, giving me a slight nod. I broke eye contact, looking down to my feet as I shuffled in place. 

“I was able to get Kieth to leave, Andrew is going to stand by the door to the back rooms, and there’s gonna be guys at all the doors. He’s not getting back here again.” Jennie nodded, as if she knew these people and thanked him quietly. 

“James isn’t going to do anything… again.” Jennie retorted, glaring at the floor as if it was the source of her anger, kicking out her foot for good measure. 

“Unfortunately, without proof he did anything wrong, we can’t even have him blacklisted.” Spencer replied, running a hand through his hair. I only fought the urge to move to him to offer what little comfort I could for a moment. Before I realized what I was doing, I wrapped my arms around his middle. He seemed surprised for a moment, but then his hand lifted and he brought his arm behind my head and held me close to him, shifting to give me a more comfortable angle to bury my face into his chest. Maybe this was more for me than for him. I’d stick with my former assumption.

It was then that I decided to speak up. “Even if he shoved her to the ground?” Spencer tensed and Jennie froze, eyes darting to me, then to Spencer’s face, and then the ground in shame. It was more about her withholding this information than the fact that it happened. 

“He did what?” Jennie nodded, turning her head to look away. Spencer turned his attention to me for a moment, searching my eyes. “Jennie why didn’t you say anything?” She shrunk a little under his attention, his voice changing from his normal “neutral” voice to what I now recognized as the voice he used during sessions. His “dominant” voice. 

“I was going to.” Jennie sounded much smaller now, and with a sigh, Spencer tapped my side, telling me to get up and I did instantly, standing back as he approached Jennie, placing a kind hand on her shoulder. 

“Jen, you don’t have to keep taking this from him.” She nodded, getting upset again. He pulled her into a hug which she quickly accepted and buried her face in his shoulder similar to how she had done with me. “Go talk to Andrew, he can see if that camera in the green room caught it. If it did, we might have enough to at least white list him.” I saw her red hair bob in a nod before she stepped back. Without thinking, I wet a paper towel and handed it to her under his arm, which she accepted and dabbed at her face. Spencer helped, running it under her eye to clean it up before tossing it in the trash. 

Jennie moved around him and over to me, enveloping me in a large hug again. I held her tightly, knowing the fear coursing through her all too well. The fear of a woman taking up too much space, and making too much noise. It was something we all felt, and it was something that no amount of mentally preparing yourself could fully combat. She exited the room the same way Spencer had entered it, making herself as small as possible. I caught only a glimpse of her scurrying away before the door closed behind her, muffling the sounds of the club. 

Spencer sighed, running a hand through his hair as he closed his eyes, staring up at the ceiling, obviously trying to calm himself down. “You okay?” I asked, running my hands under the water again, mostly just to steady myself. 

His eyes popped open in surprise, watching me carefully in the mirror. I saw him nod, then cross his arms over his chest. “Yes, thank you for asking.” He gave me a pointed look, catching my eyes in the reflection. “Are you?” I thought about lying for just a split second, then reconsidered and shrugged. 

“I guess so. That was really scary for a second.” I replied honestly. Spencer nodded, pushing off from the cupboard and returning to my side, his hand on the small of my back an instruction to turn. He tilted my head up with one finger and I had to force myself not to look away. I didn’t like how he could read me from my eyes. 

“You did really well. I’m proud of you.” At that, my eyes did dart away, and I felt his grip change from gently cupping my face to gripping it tightly, his fingertips digging slightly into my cheeks, his thumb guiding me back to look at him. “Enough. Stop looking away from me when I compliment you.” I bit back a whimper of protest and it took everything in me not to look away again. “I’ll say it again, I am very proud of you for how you handled that situation.” He released his grip and I didn’t look away. 

“I acted on instinct, I don’t know what it was about that whole situation that made me uncomfortable, but I knew I had to act.” I looked away just for a split second before grinning up at him. “I didn’t lie though, I did need to use the bathroom.” 

He grinned, stepping back from me. I tried not to miss the warmth as he laughed. “Well, you did the right thing, and that instinct that told you there was a dangerous situation, listen to it, there’s a lot of stuff that can slip through the cracks in kink. If your gut tells you that something’s wrong, it’s probably right.” He checked his watch and grimaced. “Come on, we’re gonna be late for our next class.” 

I took his extended hand and he led me back to the Green room, and as he passed the bar snagged two water bottles from the tub and handed me one. I wordlessly took it from him, opening it and downing nearly half of it before we reached the door. Spencer, being more conservative with it, drank a few sips, opening the door for me and following me out. 

More confident, I walked up to the stage and to my spot. Only after I had pasted on a polite smile did I notice the contraptions on the stage. A large wooden X dominated the right side of the stage, then beside that, there was what looked like a playground swing, minus the seats to swing on. Then there was what looked like a massage chair that you would normally see in a kiosk in the mall. There was also a table with a few things I recognized as spreader bars. I swallowed hard, but a reassuring smile and a brush of Spencer’s hand and I was relaxed again. 

If there was anything I didn’t want, I just had to say, no harm no foul. 

Once again, Spencer launched into his speech about rules and regulations, but this time, he added that he would allow each of the couples to try the tools they wanted to try after he explained them, and added that in addition to being able to try everything in the class, there were rooms in the club they could reserve later, and even an opportunity to buy things from the front desk. 

With a sweeping motion of his hand, he welcomed me forward and introduced me, his hand slipping into the loop on the back of my harness, twisting it tightly, making the ropes constrict a bit more. I felt my eyes flutter closed as I was forced to stand tighter for a moment, until he released it and with a slight smirk at my expense said “Let’s get started.” 

The first of the contraptions was called the Saint Andrew’s Cross. The looming wooden X had four loops, each attached to a leather cuff. The stand it was on very clearly had a hinge, and while he explained it, Spencer allowed me to look it over under the guise that I was checking it over for safety. It didn’t look so intimidating up close, kind of akin to one of those rides that spun quickly and pressed you against a wall, this… thing, would have me with my hands above my head and my legs out to the side. Feeling much more confident, I looked over to Spencer who had launched into a small rant about the origins and originally usage of the cross, which had some history in Medieval torture and interrogation. 

When he caught my eye, he trailed off, obviously having used the rant to give me time to get comfortable. I almost smiled at the notion that he would stall for me, almost. The second he was sure I was ready, his serious look was back and he flicked a finger, instructing me to get up on the little foot rests. I rushed to do so, bracing myself on the back to keep from flopping though the open space while he approached. 

One of his hands confidently shot out, taking my left wrist in his and reaching it above my head before quickly snapping the cuff in place with practiced ease. The smirk on his face grew at my startled expression and he winked. I nearly rolled my eyes and scoffed at him. He did the same to my other wrist before turning back to the crowd. Much smaller this time. “So, the first thing you can do with this, is just do the arms, and lean the cross forward,” He flicked a lever, and with a hand on the top to move it slowly against the gravity, tipped me forward, and my feet shot out to brace myself, but only my tip toes would reach, and I was essentially dangling from my wrists above the floor. “And then you have your victim- sorry, submissive,” he grinned and the light laugh that started in the crowd and continued after a beat “completely at your mercy.” 

A devilish look came across his face and he dragged his nails across my now exposed midriff and I yelped at the tickling sensation. I tried to kick out at him, but to no avail as my legs were just too short to reach him. He did it a few more times before having mercy on me and tilting the cross back to a neutral position. I glared at him, breathlessly, which earned him another laugh from the crowd. He just rolled his eyes playfully, as if to say “see what I have to deal with?” before he moved on, crouching near my ankle to do the cuffs there. 

I pushed down the slight panic at really not being able to move, knowing that he would undo it instantly if need be. His eyes flicking up to mine confirmed that and I gave him a slight nod to tell him I was okay. He continued, clipping the other before standing and returning to the lever. This time he warned me that he was tipping me back, and braced my shoulder against his hand to keep me from sliding too quickly as my feet came above my hips. The cross didn’t go completely ass over, so when he was sure it locked, he slowly let me go. 

When Spencer was satisfied it wouldn’t tip, he moved away and explained the different things this position could be used for. I wasn’t listening, as I was too busy breathing evenly in the odd position and focusing on not letting all the blood rush to my head. Weirdly enough, it was comforting to be in this position, I felt my back crack and giggled to myself about the therapeutic uses this thing could be used for. 

As quickly as I was upended, I was returned to my feet, and Spencer was before me, checking my eyes and my pulse, his finger pressing into the side of my neck slightly. “I’m okay Sir.” I replied without prompting, and he nodded once, satisfied as he unclipped one of my arms, and gave me the instruction to undo the others as he worked on my feet. I did so, and as I was coming down, he offered me his hand, which I took and he used it to lead me to the swing set thing.   
It was then that he also pulled the table with the spreader bars over. He explained that the rack that he had here, was something that one could use at home if they didn’t have access to a real rack like the Saint Andrews cross. This DIY example was something based on a four poster bed, or a doorway. Simple eye hooks or carabiners would work for this, he explained, and to prove it, he showed the loops in the leather cuffs and clipped them into the carabiners. He then brought his hand into the cuff and tugged on it, hard. The thing barely moved. 

“Put on the cuffs and wait, there are two pairs, ones for your arms and ones for your ankles. If you need help, ask.” He said quietly to me before moving to answer a question that had popped up as he was explaining. I looked to the cuffs, slightly daunted for a moment. This was a lot easier when he was doing it, I could stay slightly detached from it all. But then, the idea of being complicit in my own domination lit something in me, and I found my hand was moving to grab a cuff before I changed my mind. 

I had only just managed to get both ankle cuffs on and was struggling with my right hand cuff due to me being right handed, when Spencer returned to my side and took the cuff from my hand, easily slipping it on and securing it without a second thought, not breaking his thought at all. I had to bite my lip to keep from my jaw going slack. How was that so attractive? What the fuck? 

He pointed with a nod of his head to the DIY rack and I scurried over, raising my hand without being told when he reached for one of the carabiners. His eyes met mine for a moment and I saw him bite his lip for a split second before he turned back to the crowd to show different configurations of the restraints. At one point I was turned away, and a woman noticed the loop and asked how they could incorporate a tie into the restraints. Spencer brought me down from the rack and brought me close to the edge of the stage to show how he could connect the metal cuffs through the loop, essentially trapping my hands not only behind my back, but up higher on my spine so my arms were tighter to my sides. 

I wiggled in the position, not really realizing I was doing it until Spencer’s hand on my shoulder gripped tightly, a silent order to stand still. I had to fight to obey, but was able to do it. While he was at it, Spencer grabbed one of the bars from the table and clipped my ankles into it. As he was explaining its purpose, I shifted, and the bar opened wider than I was expecting it to forcing my legs into a wide stance. I yelped, nearly falling forward, but Spencer was there to catch me. He laughed off my antics, but I could tell from the serious look he gave me that I needed to be careful. I nearly fell from the small stage, and with no hands to catch myself, I for sure would have broken my nose. I gave an apologetic smile, but the serious look didn’t really fade for a few moments. 

Lastly came the massage chair looking thing. Releasing my arms, and taking the bar off my legs, Spencer led me over to the chair and had me sit on one end, straddling it, before he pressed a hand onto my back and pushed my chest down to the cushion. He didn’t clip me in, just explained where and how to position someone on the chair. He was able to ratchet it up and down for different angles. Then with a twist of his finger, told me to flip over. This time, he clipped my wrists together and hooked them to something on one of the legs. He then walked to my feet and clipped them into two hooks on either side, forcing my legs open slightly. I felt my breath hitch as he ran a hand up my leg absentmindedly as he spoke. The touch was simultaneously calming as it was exciting, and I found myself both leaning into it and shying away from his fingers. 

When he returned to my view, I had to hold in a gasp. He stepped in front of one of the lights and his brown hair was lit up like a halo around his head, and the angle made him much more imposing over me than ever before. I felt my head swim at the image and swallow hard. I didn’t even realize that I was nearly at crotch level until his hand came out to brush against my face as he turned to address the crowd again, explaining all the nefarious things you could do with someone in this position. Even though he used pretty clinical terms for those acts, I still felt myself trying to rub my thighs together, which of course was not possible with my current restraints. 

He couldn’t help himself, smirking at my pain and drawing the attention of the class to how, no matter how much I squirmed, I wasn’t going to get any relief. Having pity on me though, moments later Spencer released me, arms first, and allowed me to unlock my legs as he invited the class up to try each of the tools on their own time. 

“If anyone needs help, please let me know.” He called sweetly, but the grip he took on the harness was anything but as he pulled me to my feet. “Someone getting excited?” He commented almost cruelly. I swallowed hard and nodded breathlessly. 

“Yes.” I whispered, and when he gave me a dangerous look, I quickly added on the honorific. 

“Calm yourself down, we have one more class after this. And if you behave maybe I’ll help you with that.” I felt butterflies erupt in my stomach and I bit my lip. It was only after he let me go to help a couple having trouble with the level that I realized what he had just said. 

Did I want to sleep with him? Maybe… but… maybe not. Not yet at least. I had known him for what… two and a half hours? I trusted him about as far as not to hurt me, but I don’t know if I trusted him enough to sleep with him. I wasn’t one of those people to do one night stands. I had never done it in college, and really didn’t know if I wanted to start now. He was cute.. No scratch that, he was hot as fuck, and I would be an idiot to say no. I glanced to him over by the cross as he helped a man clip his partner in. I bit my lip. Is that what he looked like restraining me? Damn. 

Over by the table, there was someone struggling with the cuffs there, so to distract myself from the racing thoughts, I moved to help them, showing the young woman how to do it first to yourself, and then to someone else. This was much easier than thinking, teaching someone else to do this. This I could do.


	5. Deep Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Y/n) Sees a different side of Spencer, or, two different sides of him.

Finishing up the class, Spencer and I returned to the green room and collapsed into the couch, both of us on opposite sides. I kicked my feet up, resting them beside his hip as he stretched out his feet across the floor. “I’m starving.” I groaned, grabbing my stomach dramatically. Spencer chuckled, pulling my feet into his lap and pulling on the tail of one of the laces to make them come undone. I protested, glaring at him and he just retied them, just to pull them undone again. 

I gave up after the third time and he just smirked. “We can order food from the bar if you want.” He offered, looking over at me before holding up the menu. I made grabby hands at him, and his eyebrows shot up, holding the menu away from me. I rolled my eyes. 

“Can I please have the menu, Spencer?” There was no need for honorifics here. He smirked again and handed me the folder, not before pulling it from me as a joke once. “What do you want?” I asked, my eyes already scanning the menu for nachos or some kind of fries. 

“Those jalapeno popper fries are good.” He suggested, tipping his head back and closing his eyes. I made a face of consideration before flipping through the pages to find it. When I did my mouth watered. 

“Oh I am so down.” I commented, just moments before Spencer removed my legs from his and stood. “I can get it.” I protested, but he was already halfway out the door. 

“Drink?” Was his only reply, and I nodded. He didn’t wait for my reply as to what kind, so I assumed that was up to him. And like that, I was alone in the green room. But not for long, Desiree popped her head in from another door and looked around. Not finding who she was looking for, she pouted, but her face lit up when she saw me. 

“(Y/n)! Hey girly! How’s your first night going?” She chirped, rushing over to sit in a chair across from me. 

I smiled, her personality and positivity infectious. “I’m doing great! This is not what I was expecting but it has been really fun so far.” She nodded quickly. 

“You guys are getting great reviews! I mean, Spencer always does,” She waved off the compliment and I couldn’t help but giggle. “But with you?” She flopped back dramatically. “People love you! They think you and Spencer have great chemistry.” I paled. Did people really think that? And why? We really barely interacted at all. 

“They do?” She nodded, once again looking around the room, I now realized she was looking for Spencer. 

“Yea, where is that little shit anyway?” She even took the time to check behind her chair. She was an odd girl.

“He’s gone to get us some snacks.” I replied, pulling my feet up bracing them on the edge of the table in front of me, resting my arms on my knees and my chin on my arms. 

“Oh what a gentleman, okay, well, when you see him, let him know I was looking for him and that none of its urgent.” I nodded, slightly confused and watched as she bounded away like a goth deer and disappeared into the door she entered from. 

As if it was a scooby doo skit, Spencer entered from the opposite door carrying our two drinks. My heart skipped when I realized he had remembered what I drank and had brought it to me. Granted, we had only shared that drink two hours ago, it still touched my heart that he remembered. Aiden didn’t even remember my favourite candy after three years of dating. “One Cherry Coke for the lady.” He said dramatically, placing the cup down in front of me, and then set his own down beside it. “A lady who should get her feet, off the table.” He switched to his dominant voice, and yet I couldn’t help the glare I gave him while I slowly removed my feet from the table. 

He narrowed his eyes, shaking his head in barely hidden elation at my teasing, his tongue pressing on the skin of his bottom lip, pushing it out from the inside. But, I won this battle and he could do nothing here. In his words, this was neutral ground. Which was the only reason I felt safe enough to challenge him. His eyes said very clearly that I was in for it, we were only in neutral territory for so long. I was okay with taking my chances. 

When the food arrived though, we were both back to normal. Conversation was easy, and I learned a lot about Spencer in that short period of time that it took us to wolf down the massive plate of fries, jalapenos, olives, and cheese. He was from Vegas, an only child, and he went to CalTech. 

In return I told him about Maine. I told him about my parent’s log cabin in Stowe, Vermont, and Maine U. I told him about my brothers, and my a bit about my parents. That seemed like a sore subject for him, and I really didn’t want to play into the stereotype of daddy issues so we avoided it. By the time Desiree came to tell us about our last class, a quick 30 minute class compared to the hour long sessions from before, we had all but licked the plate clean, and my feet were once again in Spencer’s lap. I felt bad, mentioning that I hoped I wasn’t getting his pants dirty. To which of course he made a suggestive joke, and I had to smack his arm to hide my blush.

Contrary to the other classes, this time, there was a circle of chairs set up in the middle of the room, about 15 or so, and there was a small table with a stack of index cards and a cup of pens, along with a bowl that I could see was filled nearly to the brim with folded up bits of paper. Spencer led me over to a chair and then sat in the one directly next to me. Each of the other chairs was filled with a person, and I quickly put together that this was a Q and A, and the index cards were so people could do anonymous questions. 

Spencer took this in stride and grabbed the bowl before depositing it in my lap. I jostled it slightly, mixing up the notes as Spencer addressed the group in the now familiar manner he did, but this time he was much more calm. This was obviously a group of beginners, and he didn’t want to scare them too much. He held out his hand, and I instantly produced a card for him. He thanked me, then opened it, reading from the card. 

“What does BDSM stand for?” He handed me back the card and I lifted my leg, pushing it under my thigh with a lack of a better place to put it. “There are a few answers to that, but generally, people use it to represent ‘Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism Masochism.” 

He held out his hand for another, and we continued like this for a good 20 minutes until the last question was answered from the bowl. I was just lifting my leg to retrieve the cards from under it when one of the women piped up, her voice carrying that sweet sound of someone asking an innocent question. “And how long have you two been together?” I froze, looking up to Spencer, who was doing the same to me. 

“We actually only met tonight!” He replied. “(Y/n) and I work together, and part of our jobs is to do these classes together.” He answered easily and I found myself blushing, harking back to what Desiree said. Did we really have that much chemistry? Did we fit that well together? I smiled to myself, why did that make me so happy?

A man spoke this time. “What do you think of the lifestyle?” He asked, directing it first to Spencer, then to me. 

Spencer responded first. “I think it’s a great way to decompress, and to explore parts of yourself that you have to hide in your daily life. Sexual deviancy is such a taboo that you have to be careful who you trust, which is exactly why we at the Red Lounge harp so much on privacy.” He paused, turning his attention to me. “What do you think, (Y/n)? How has your experience been so far?” Only he really knew that today was my first day. And he was effectively asking me if I was alright and if I was still enjoying myself. 

I decided I was. “I agree with Spencer. It is definitely a way to decompress.” I realized that while I had been here, not once had I thought about the bills piling up on my counter, or on my totaled car, or about Aiden besides once or twice. He had effectively turned my brain off for once, and I was addicted to that feeling. “It was strange at first, trusting someone enough to let them have you at their mercy, but once I got over that hump,” I shrugged. “It was really all about enjoying the ride.”I smirked. “Plus, it is always fun riling him up.” I teased, glancing up at Spencer, watching as his eyebrows shot up as he crossed his arms across his chest. 

The group had relaxed during the entire session, and at this, they laughed, snickering as they watched Spencer barely contain his urge to scold me. I caught his eyes and they just screamed that I was in for it. I couldn’t help the shiver of excitement that shot up my spine. The tension was broken by another man raising his hand. He realized what he was doing and laughed awkwardly as he brought his hand down. “I have a question.” Spencer’s eyes moved to him and he nodded, urging him on. “I know there are different styles of domination, and you briefly mentioned that you are what they call a ‘Hard dom’, so what is that?” Spencer sat up more in his chair. 

I found myself paying attention more here as well, my own curiosity being piqued when he had said the term earlier. “Well, I suppose the easiest way to explain it would be with an example, so (Y/n)?” I already anticipated his order and placed the bowl down to stand beside him. “There are two ways you can approach a situation, for example, I can turn to (Y/n) and say,” He turned to me at this. “Get on your knees.” the soft command shot through me in an instant, and I did as he asked, watching him carefully. He placed a hand on my head as he spoke. “And in that, I gave a full command, which was easy to understand, and really she could argue that if she wanted.” He gave me a look. “But she knows better.” He said with a wink. 

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. He brought me back to my feet and turned to face the class again. “But, the way that I prefer to get my point across is more like this.” He turned, and this time, his face held none of the kindness I knew from moments before, and instead his hand came to cup just below my chin, hovering only centimeters from my neck, his fingers and thumb pressing tightly into either side of the column of my throat. My eyes went wide and I stared at him in shock as he uttered one word. “Down.” I have never fallen to my knees faster in my life. 

The group was silent for a moment, all staring in various stages of aroused shock as Spencer removed his hand from my neck, turning to address them like nothing at all had happened. I didn’t dare move until he told me to, which he did just by looking down at me and crooking a finger. I was once again on my feet and back in my chair, heart racing and a blush raising over my face and neck. The ropes on my body felt entirely too tight and not tight enough, and I decided then that I loved the feeling. 

Flustered, the man who asked the question simply nodded when asked if he understood, and as Spencer checked his watch and saw that it was 11pm, he clapped his hands, breaking the tension, and wished everyone a good night and safe playing. The group scurried out of the room and I busied myself with cleaning up the index cards and pens, placing them all in a pile for easy clean up. I felt Spencer’s hand on my back a few moments after I watched the last person leave the room. 

“You okay?” He asked quietly, and I turned nodding up to him, watching as he checked my face for any deception. 

“I’m fine, Sir. You..uhmm… surprised me.” I replied honestly, and his face curled up in a smirk. 

“I could tell.” He joked, taking the bowl from my hand and resting it on a table by the door before he started to fold up the chairs. I followed suit, grabbing as many as I could in my arms and following him as he leaned them against a wall. 

“I wasn’t expecting that from you, I guess I considered you more of the… well the lenient sort.” I heard him snort from across the room as he grabbed his second trip of chairs. 

“You’ve only known me for a night, and I didn’t want to scare you. You really think I’m lenient?” I thought back to him through the night, and now that I thought about it, I guess I could see where he had held himself back, or had not been as hard on me as he could have been. He must have seen the gears turning in my head because he laughed again. “The more we work together the more you will see that side of me.” I felt a rush at the thought.

I didn’t respond, just returned to grab the last of the chairs and leaned them against the wall. Would I see him more? Did I want to make this a regular thing? The job was fun and easy so far, but that didn’t mean it wouldn't slowly become tiresome. And then there was people like Keith. I wouldn’t be able to fight off everyone like him, and Spencer wasn’t going to be there forever to protect me. I supposed I had a week to decide, I had told Desiree that I would work Fridays for the first couple of weeks, to see how it would work with my schedule and then go from there. I had all but promised the Morgan’s to keep my weekends clear so I could watch Hank.

Ten minutes later, the “class room” was cleaned and back in order and Spencer held my hand once again as he led me back to the stage. I yawned loudly, my long day catching up to me now that the adrenaline had run out, and he sat down on the stool again as he checked me over once more. “Let’s get you out of this, and then get you home hmm?” He said quietly, and I wanted to protest, arguing that I wanted to keep it on, but all good things come to an end, and it needed to come off. 

Hands on my hips he turned me away from him and fiddled with the rope until I felt it suddenly loosening all over, and then he traced the pattern backwards this time. He kept me facing him as he did it, watching my features to make sure that I didn’t wince or feel any pain as he removed it. There was slight tingling when he pulled away the rope, but that was more because of the feeling of the ropes being gone. 

My eyes had fluttered closed at some point, because he was stroking my arms, calling my name softly to bring me back. “Hi.” He said again, quietly. I echoed him, smiling in that just blissed out way that came from trusting someone to take care of you. It was a new feeling to me, and I loved it. “Everything feel okay? Feel normal?” I rolled my shoulders and neck, shook out my hands and nodded. “Good. I’m gonna clean this up and then you can go grab your stuff, okay? Just stay here for a minute, relax.” I obeyed, sitting up on the stool he had just vacated and swung my legs back and forth as I watched him fold the rope in half, and then wrap it around his arm. 

He expertly tied it off, and then dropped the whole skein into a bag labeled “TO WASH” in the corner of the stage. When he returned to my side, the dizzy feeling was gone and I was just tired. He held out his hand and I took it, leaning on his arm as we walked back into the green room. Spencer deposited me on the couch and then crouched in front of me. 

“I’m going to go grab your stuff. Did you drive here?” I shook my head, yawning again. Why was I so tired? 

“I took the Metro, and then an Lyft from my apartment.” He nodded, filing away that information before he stood, and left the green room to the door that led to the bar. He returned only a few moments later, and had my jean jacket in hand. I stood and turned and he helped me into the jacket before pulling out his phone. 

“I’m going to drive you home okay? I don’t feel comfortable letting you get on the Metro like this.” I looked down to my clothes and frowned. He shook his head, tilting my face up to his. “It has nothing to do with how you’re dressed, you’re coming down from the high of subspace and I really don’t feel comfortable letting you get on the train without someone to be there if you start to drop okay?” I didn’t really know entirely what he meant, but I couldn’t argue with his serious tone so I nodded. 

“Okay, Spencer.” He nodded once, acknowledging my acceptance, before he placed his phone back in his pocket and shrugged on his own jacket which I hadn’t noticed he had with him until it was over his shoulders. 

“Where do you live?” I told him the address and there was a flash of recognition on his face before he motioned me in front of him and then guided me out through the back hall which was the employee entrance to the club that I had used earlier. 

When I envisioned his car, it was a large, imposing, black thing. Like a Camero or Cadillac. The light yellow bug that he guided to me threw me off so much I actually snorted a laugh. He either didn’t hear it, or ignored it as he opened my door and let me slide in. I almost expected him to do my seatbelt but he didn’t. And he closed my door before making his way to his side of the car. 

He pulled out of the parking lot and made his way onto the much quieter DC streets, rolling down the windows a small amount to allow some airflow. I rolled mine down all the way and stuck my hand out, making my hand flat to play with the air. When we had been traveling for a few miles in silence, I spoke. “Hey, Spencer?” He made a noise to indicate he was listening. He must be tired too. “What’s subspace?” I felt his eyes on me, and after a few moments of silence I looked to him. His eyes searched mine for a second before he cleared his throat and looked back to the road. 

“Its this place you go when you are submitting to someone. Its a dizzy, warm feeling, and in that space you are pliant and suggestable.” I thought back on it for a moment and realized that I had slipped into that when he had done the harness tie, and really only fully came out of it when I was sitting on that stool. If I was honest, I was still halfway in there, or at least, going in and out against my will. I now understood why he didn’t want me on the train. 

“What about the drop you talked about?” He sighed, not at having to teach me this stuff, but because I didn’t know, and that he was probably making all manner of assumptions- all of them probably correct- about my previous partners. 

“That’s when after a session, you feel depressed, or sad, or disgusted by your actions, and it can get really really bad. As high as you went, you can go just as low.” He turned back to me to make sure I was understanding. I nodded, deep in thought. “That’s why after care is so important.” he motioned to us in the car. “This is sort of like aftercare, we are looking out for one another to make sure the other is okay. We didn’t do anything extreme today so we aren’t in serious danger, but even the smallest thing can lead to a drop.” I looked to him at this. 

“Wait, you? You can drop?” He nodded, running a hand through his hair, the wind ruffling it out of his control. He didn’t stop me when I reached over and fixed it for him so he wasn’t letting go of the wheel. He smiled, a genuine smile, at me. 

“Yes, doms can drop just as easy as subs. The things we do in a scene can be really intense, and there are feelings of guilt or worry that we went too far. The putting your pieces back together after is as much for subs as it is for doms.” I smiled warmly. 

“So this is as much for you, as it is me?” He again nodded. 

“Making sure you get home safe is a way I can assure myself that you are okay.” His words lulled us back into quiet, and for most of the rest of the ride we listened to quiet music on the radio, and I found myself humming along. The in and out feeling I had had stopped about 15 minutes prior. And during one of his 5 minute check ins, I had told Spencer that. He calmed down noticeably then, and was even driving more relaxed. His left hand was propped up on the window (which he had opened upon my insisting) and his head was resting on his fist. 

“So what do you do when you don’t work at the club?” I asked suddenly, and I regretted it instantly when his grip tightened on the steering wheel. 

“I’d rather not talk about that, privacy you know?” I nodded, embarrassed and looked out my window again. I felt his hand on my thigh moments later. “Hey, look at me please.” I reluctantly turned, playing with the hem of my jacket. “You had every right to ask that question.” I nodded, not believing him. “You did.” He insisted. “I’m just not very comfortable sharing that information with anyone. The only person who knows is Desiree and that’s because she’s our boss.” Feeling better with that information I smiled lightly and then sat up when I saw we had turned into my neighborhood. 

I found it odd that I didn’t have to direct him, but then again, he said he had lived and worked in the district for a long time, so it would make sense that he would know the area pretty well. “That one’s mine.” I said, pointing at the pale pink townhome. He pulled over by the curb, shutting off the engine to keep the noise down in the late night air. As I collected myself, I saw him once again place his hand on my arm. 

“Can I have your phone please?” I froze for a moment, not knowing why he would ask for that, but with an insistent look, I relented, and handed him my phone after unlocking it. I saw him pull up my contacts and add his number in with just the name “Spencer” in the name, but the acronym TRL in the “business” category. He sent himself a text and then handed me back the phone. I heard his phone ding with the message received. “If you need anything, or if you feel yourself starting to drop, call me immediately. I’ll be over as soon as I can, and if I can’t, I’ll call you and talk to you on the phone.” He said seriously and I gripped my phone to my chest, touched by the gesture. 

“Okay.” Was all I could say and his hand came to cup the side of my face and I leaned into it. It was strange this relationship we had. He had propositioned me earlier this evening, but now, seeing the state I was in and how my first night had affected me, he must have decided against it. His touch should feel foreign, I had only known him for the evening, yet I was so comforted by his large hand cupping the side of my face. 

Spencer must have seen my thoughts running, because he tipped my head forward and kissed the top of my head. That broke the trance I was in and I opened my door, closing it quietly and then hurrying up the dew soaked grass to my front door, unlocking it quickly and then, after a quick wave, closed and locked it behind me. I heard him start the car and drive off. I waited a few extra moments to calm my breathing before climbing my stairs. 

Daisy greeted me at the door, crying quietly in excitement, even she knew how late it was. I pat her head a few times, and she followed me into my room, hopping up into my bed seconds after I plugged in my phone and face planted into the duvet, letting myself fall asleep moments later. Never in my life have I fallen asleep that fast, or slept that well.


	6. Free the Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennie should be a relationship councilor.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5f0tHqcm4TU

I woke up at 8:30 to my stomach growling. Half of me debated ordering in, but then I remembered how I had splurged and bought not only everything bagels, but also avocado and capers, promising I would treat myself. Excited, I rolled out of bed, the sound of Daisy groaning in protest from her side of the bed making me laugh as I called over my shoulder to her. She groaned, then followed on my heel as I made my way to the kitchen. Turning on the radio and pressing play on my phone for a playlist to listen to, I shimmied as I danced to turn on my toaster and collect the things I needed for my breakfast. 

Daisy was laying in her bed, watching me and I tossed her a bit of ham that I had pulled out for myself to munch on and her little tail wagged quickly as she sat up and snatched it out of the air. I tossed her another one, just as the toaster dinged and my bagel popped up, the slight burning smell of the toppings making my mouth water. 

Carefully pulling it out and dropping it on the counter to cool, I cut up an avocado and laid it on top, dropping on some capers and then topping it all off with a bit of balsamic. It was all very artsy, and I couldn’t help snapping the picture to post on my instagram. A clever caption later and I was sitting on the breakfast bar swinging my legs over the side of the counter as I ate, humming happily along to a song. 

It was only when I found myself considering going on a run that day did I stop and assess myself. It had been years since I woke up by myself at 8:30, and months since I made my own breakfast with enough pride to post it on social media. A quick glance to my still swinging legs and I swallowed, confusion on my face. “Okay what the actual fuck.” I hadn’t been this… happy, in a long time. My heart felt light, my mind was at peace, and I actually was excited to see the day. 

I had never realized how stagnant my life in Maine had become. I had started taking a few classes to work on my masters, but every other time of my day was taken up either by taking care of my family, or working at the local library. I was in DC now, I had a job that didn’t suck my soul completely out of my body, yet. And I had a stress reliever that I never knew I needed. 

The serotonin running through my body was almost addictive. As if he read my mind, I felt my phone buzz by my leg and saw the phone light up with Spencer’s name. I slid open the phone, taking the last bite of my toast as I did. 

**Spencer**   
_Just checking in, how are you feeling this morning?_

I smiled at the text, I felt amazing, rejuvenated, like my entire life had been leading up to me living here, on my own, in a city I had never been to. It was like life finally fell into place and that place was here. It wasn’t perfect, but I was happy, truly, honestly happy. I really prayed it wasn't temporary. 

**Me**   
_I feel great, I made myself some breakfast and I was planning on maybe going on a run._

He responded quickly, and I was almost surprised expecting him to leave the conversation at that. 

**Spencer**   
_It’s supposed to get up to 96 today. Is that smart?_

I glanced at my smart watch, swiping along the screen to reveal the current temperature, I nearly gagged when it was already in the 80s at 9 in the morning.

**Me**   
_I guess not… maybe a trip to the park then. I want to get outside._

It was a strange sense of wondering if maybe I needed to be a bit more formal with him, but then again, he could just be being protective. He said that was part of his aftercare, maybe he was feeling a bit anxious?

**Me**   
_How are you feeling? You okay?_

There was a few seconds longer than I expected of waiting. He had read it, but then he had waited a few seconds before starting to type.

**Spencer**   
_Yea._

**Spencer**   
_Thank you for asking._

My heart hurt for him, why did that simple text hold so much power, like I could feel from this end of the phone that he was actually surprised I had even thought to ask. I put my phone down at that, and hopped off my counter to place my plate in the sink. I rinsed it off and then stretched, letting my sore muscles relax a bit more. 

I felt my phone buzz again, and when I opened it, I fully expected to see Spencer texting me again, but to my surprise, it was a number I didn’t know. 

**(202)555-2848**   
_Hey (Y/n), this is Jennie, I got your number from Desiree. I wanted to thank you again for last night, and if you’re free today, I wanted to grab a coffee with you?_

I stared at my screen for a few seconds, still registering the text, then when I finally snapped out of the strange stupor, I responded in the affirmative, asking if she was afraid of dogs. She wasn’t, so I told her I was going to bring Daisy. 

The plan was to meet up around noon and we could go find a place not only for coffee but for lunch. I took a quick shower, dried and styled my hair around my shoulders having failed miserably to recreate the braids that Spencer had done, then dressed in a nice pair of black canvas shorts, and tucked in a white undershirt under the billowy white tank top I found. I mentally thanked Spencer for telling me the expected temperature because my original planned outfit was a few more layers and longer pants. I really needed to snap out of the Northern mindset or I was going to die of heatstroke before the summer was over. 

Voting against makeup considering my face was already melting, I just swiped on a thin line of eyeliner and lipgloss after coating my delicate and extremely sensitive-to-sun pale skin in sunscreen. Grabbing a hat should I need it, I filled my doggy water bottle with ice and a bit of water and clipped Daisy into her harness and prong collar. She looked very intimidating in all her doggy muscleness, so I tied on a pink bandana I had bought her around her neck. It only made her look slightly less scary, but she was a princess to me. 

Ha, Princess Daisy. One last once over and we were out the door. Finding a Lyft to take dogs was a trial, but when I finally did find one, it only took a bit of convincing that she was friendly before the driver let us in. I had half a mind to write to the Metro to demand that they allow dogs, but then again, maybe I could just train Daisy as a therapy dog and then just have her ride as a service dog. I had dreamed of doing that for years anyway, so why not. 

I spent the entire ride looking up the requirements for a service dog, and my mind was spinning by the time the driver pulled over to the curb and we were let out. Daisy was a good dog, but she was older, and I have never trained a dog before… maybe my dreams of taking her on the metro were too big. I was pulled out of my mind when I heard a familiar voice calling my name. 

Down the sidewalk I spotted Jennie in a vibrant red sundress that tied up by her waist, straw coloured wedge heels with matching bag, and a big white hat. She looked stunning, and I couldn’t help think of her as a princess again. When her eyes landed on Daisy however, her face lit up ever more and I watched as she crouched and held out her arms. Daisy rushed into them, whining excitedly, her little tail stub wagging wildly as she licked up at Jennie’s face, Jennie cooing to her the whole time. 

I couldn’t help but smile as I watched them, giggling when Daisy turned on her side to expose her stomach to ask for belly rubs. This was supposed to be an aggressive breed right? Yes, very aggressive. “I think its safe to say that she likes you.” I commented when Jennie returned to her full height. 

“And why shouldn’t she?” She teased, then she pulled me into a hug, her hands running down my arms as she retreated. “And if you don’t look a vision.” She said quietly, and I scoffed looking her up and down. 

“Says the one who looks like she just walked off of a vogue cover.” She did a dramatic twirl, holding her hat on her head with one hand before giving me a blue steel look, which she broke seconds later with her infectious laugh. 

“Well, why don't we stunning ladies go find a patio to sit on and have a drink?” She checked her watch, shrugging when it was only just past noon. “It’s not too soon to drink in Paris so it isn’t too soon for us.” She hooked her arm in my free one, and I clicked Daisy on and she fell into step ahead of us, her pointed ears alert and her stride purposeful.

Speaking of Paris, we found a lovely french bistro on the corner of a market street, and when they agreed to allow Daisy on the Patio, we sat under a shaded spot and Daisy retreated under the table. I poured out some water for her in the doggy dish and she drank it greedily before quickly falling asleep at our feet. 

Quiet small talk turned to real conversation when the waiter poured us each a sweet red wine and took our orders. “So,” She started, wagging her eyebrows. I narrowed my eyes in good natured suspicions. “What happened in the bathroom after I left?” Well, that was a tame question. 

“Nothing, really.” I added the last part when she rolled her eyes in disbelief. “I swear, when you left, he checked on me, and then we left.” I glanced down to Daisy, who huffed in her sleep. She wasn’t helping my case. 

“I thought the man was going to jump your bones the second you two were alone.” She said around her wine glass. I nearly choked on my wine. 

“What? Why?” I shook my head, holding up a hand. “On second thought, don’t answer that. I have had so many people tell me that they think we have chemistry that if I hear it again I might start to believe them.” She gave me a confused look and shrugged.

“Why is that such a bad thing? They’re right! Seriously, I’ve worked at the club for about as long as Spencer, and I have never seen him so enraptured by a submissive before. Even with Rachel, they were amicable but never was he so at ease like he is with you.” I remained quiet, examining the pattern on the lace table cover as I sipped my wine quietly. 

I sighed, placing my glass down before wiping my hands down my face, grateful again for my lack of makeup. “I just got out of a really shitty relationship, and I don’t know if I’m ready to rush into one again.” 

“You don’t have to be in a relationship.” She butted in, placing her glass down and then laying her hand over mine. I stared at her perfectly manicured nails. Was there any part of her that wasn’t perfect? I felt my anxiety rise in my throat. “Listen, love.” I reluctantly looked up to her, but my anxiety melted away when I saw her kind face. “Spencer’s a good guy, I know it. A bit of a recluse, sure, but he’d never hurt anyone, and he’d absolutely never hurt you. You don’t have to go after him with the intention of dating. That’s the plus side of,” her eyes drifted around to make sure no one was eavesdropping “our lifestyle.” _our_ “We can do it platonically. Even if you are just playmates, I wouldn’t close yourself off to it.” She leaned back, taking her wine glass in her hand and swirling it around like she knew what she was doing. And knowing her she probably did. “But what do I know?” She said with a knowing smirk and I rolled my eyes, distracting myself by filling Daisy’s bowl again. 

Our food came not long after, and small talk conversation resumed long after we had finished our meals and paid our bills. Daisy was even offered a doggie bag from the chef who had said that she reminded her of her late childhood dog. Daisy very much appreciated the gesture, and there was a pep to her step as we walked down the street towards the dog park. Jennie had decided to join us, and so we walked once again arm in arm down the street. 

I surprised myself by allowing so much contact. I wasn’t used to it, preferring to keep my social distance bubble at least an arms length or more from anyone I walked with. Even with Aiden we never really held hands. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how little Aiden and I had in common. I was like he stopped fighting for me the moment he realized he had me. I expressed this to Jennie who just rolled her eyes. 

“Men are stupid.” She declared, sipping from the coffee milkshake she had bought, and I did the same, my salted caramel coffee cooling me down from the inside. What was supposed to be 96 quickly turned to 96 with 45 percent humidity. It was hell. Daisy didn’t mind though, and when we arrived to the dog park, she took off like a shot to run around the perimeter of the fenced in area, finding another big dog her size to push around and play with. 

I watched her carefully as Jennie pat a little chihuahua that plodded over to her, the owner waving at us from over at another bench. “I know,” I replied to her comment, sighing and using my hat that I had packed to fan myself, rubbing my cup against my forehead to let the condensation drip down my face. “I guess I thought he was different, but after he knew that he had me, he just didn’t try anymore.” 

“When was the last time someone bought you flowers, just for the hell of it?” I had to think, never really, Aiden didn’t even do that for anniversaries. It was mostly a card I could tell he picked out that day, and maybe a box of chocolate. I tried not to think about the fact that I really hated boxed chocolate. She read my answer in my lack of response. “Exactly.” She smirked. “I bet Spencer would buy you flowers.” 

I glared at her, but she just laughed. “Even if I entertained your idea that he would be a good boyfriend, there’s no saying that he wants me like that. People believe anyone has good chemistry when they see them in overtly sexual situations.” I reasoned, brushing a loose strand of hair back behind my ear. Lifting the ponytail I had hastily put my hair in, to fan under it. I was melting, how was Jennie not melting? “When he drove me home he didn’t try anything, he was actually really sweet.” I only realized the dramatic grin she had on her face when I turned to see why she hadn’t responded. 

“HE DROVE YOU HOME?” She all but shouted, making a few people turn to see the noise. I shushed her, looking around nervously and smiling awkwardly as I turned her towards me, glaring seriously at her. 

“Yes!” I whisper shouted, “Why is that such a big deal?!” 

“Girl, you’ve only known him for a day and you’ve gotten him wrapped around your finger.” She teased, shaking her head as she lounged back in the park bench. “I can’t believe you don’t see it.” 

“He only drove me home because I live so far away from the club. He’d do it for you too.” She shrugged. 

“Maybe, but I’d have to ask, he normally comes in, does what he’s there for, then goes home. Sometimes we don’t even know he’s gone until we don’t see him for a while.” She shrugged, drinking again from her milkshake. “Like I said, he’s a recluse, and I think he’s chosen you as his person.” She looked off into the distance deep in thought. “I wonder if he’s realized it yet.” 

I watched her for a moment longer before turning my attention back to Daisy who was currently running through a little fountain chomping at the water the shot up from the jets. I sighed, letting my mind wander as I watched her. Like Spencer, Daisy was protective of me. And I guess in a sense, I knew that Daisy had chosen me as her person. Hell, I was already planning on stowing away the $250 it would take for me to adopt her once I had the money from last night in my bank account. 

When it came around to 3, I called Daisy back to me and she returned at a full sprint, panting and giving me that big doggy grin. I reattached her collar and harness, and when we exited the park, Jennie said her goodbyes and walked in the opposite direction, skipping down the stairs to the metro while I opted to walk a bit before calling my Lyft. I needed more time to think, and Daisy needed to dry off. I doubted a driver would be too happy with a wet dobermann in their back seat. 

I was deep in thought when I was nearly flattened by a garbage truck, the only thing saving me being a hand shooting out and grabbing my arm. I yelped and jumped back, thanking the universe that Daisy had had better sense than me and was still safely on the pavement. I turned to my saviour and sighed in embarrassment. “Hey Derek.” I replied awkwardly, shrinking under his disapproving look. 

“Where’s your head? You could have been killed!” I shifted awkwardly. I still wasn’t used to city life, in Bangor you could walk the streets with your eyes closed and not worry about anything bigger than a slow moving tractor to cross your path. At least, not where I lived. 

“Sorry, not here I guess.” I replied, shaking my head and then tilting my head. “What are you doing in the city?”

“I needed some parts to fix that door…” He trailed off, seeing Daisy who was patiently waiting for him to give her the attention she undoubtedly was entitled to. “Did you take a taxi?” I nodded. He tilted his head down the side street to where his truck was parked. “Come on, I’ll give you both a ride.” He smiled down to Daisy. “Hey girl? Wanna go for a ride?” Daisy’s tail moved impossibly faster on the pavement, and she started her excited whining. “Yea? Come on, come on, let’s bring mom. Come on!” He skipped backwards, and Daisy jumped up, pulling on her leash to force me to follow. I couldn’t help but laugh and only pretend to reluctantly follow. 

Placing his bags in the back, and helping lifting the 60 pound Daisy into the back of the truck. I climbed into the front seat after clipping her harness into the seatbelt and rolling the window down a bit for her. Derek climbed in after me and sighed, starting the truck and merging into traffic, heading out of the city. 

“Thanks for the ride.” I said after we started going again and he nodded, a gentle smile on his face. 

“Anytime. What were you doing in town?” He asked, politely starting conversation.

“Meeting up with a friend.” I said honestly, and he gave me a look, I knew it instantly as a teasing older brother look. 

“Oh a _friend_ huh?” I rolled my eyes in response, why did everyone think I was love struck? Did I look it…. Wait, did I? 

“My friend Jennie, we work nights together.” I replied carefully. Derek picked up on this and gave me a look. “What? I got a second job.” He looked between me and the road a few times before I spoke again. “I’m fine Derek, I promise.” I responded seriously, and he reluctantly sighed, shaking his head like he didn’t believe me. 

“I just hope you’re not overextending yourself.” He replied, and I laid a hand on his arm in comfort. 

“I’m fine.” I insisted, and he nodded, letting the conversation drop. 

We didn’t speak much until we returned back to our neighborhood, and he pulled up to the curb by my apartment. He put the truck in park, and while I jumped out to collect Daisy, he rolled down the window to talk to me. “Hey, do you think you could watch Hank tonight? Sorry it’s so last second but Savannah and I haven’t been on a date night in forever and-” I cut him off, raising my hand to him. 

“Say no more. What time do you want me to come over?” He told me 6, and I agreed, telling him I’d be there, and if he didn’t mind, so would Daisy. He didn’t, and so with a wave and another thank you, he drove off, turning around in my driveway before making the turn into his street and disappeared around the corner. I brought Daisy inside to cool off more, opting for another shower to get rid of the sweat off me before I made the walk over to the Morgan’s. 

I had just stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around me, starting to brush my teeth when I heard my phone buzz on the vanity. I tilted my head and saw that it was Spencer. 

**Spencer**   
_How was your run?_

I grinned, biting down on my toothbrush to hold it while I texted back. 

**Me**   
_Took your advice, and I’m glad I did. It was fucking hot today. I went out for lunch with Jennie then took my dog to the park. It was a quiet afternoon honestly._

I set down the phone and spit, rinsing out my mouth and tossing both towels into the laundry bin, letting my hair air dry a bit as I rifled through my clothes to find something light and comfortable for the no doubt muggy night we were about to have. 

When I was halfway into my pants, my phone buzzed again. I hopped over to my bed to read it, slipping the light fabric over my hips as I did. 

**Spencer**  
 _You have a dog?_

In response I snapped a picture of Daisy gnawing on a bone the size of my arm beside my bed. His response this time was almost immediate. 

**Spencer**   
_That’s not a dog, that’s a horse._

I snorted a laugh, shaking my head at his joke. 

**Me**  
 _Her name is Daisy, and she is my princess._

His response took longer this time, and I was nearly out the door when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. As I read it, I locked my door and hooked Daisy’s leash around my wrist starting to head down the road to the Morgan’s. 

**Spencer**  
 _Are you coming to the club tonight?_

I felt my heart drop in excitement and nerves. 

**Me**   
_I only work Fridays right now. I’m babysitting tonight._

I smirked as I typed another response. 

**Me**   
_Don’t miss me too much._

Tone was hard to read in text, but I preferred to think that he would actually miss me, and if what Jennie said about him was true, he might actually miss my company. She called him a recluse and a loner at the club, doing his classes and demonstrations and then going home. It made me a little sad, did he not have a single person he trusts there? Desiree, maybe, but even that was a cordial, typical boss/employee relationship. Well, as typical as Desiree could be. Her personality alone made her interesting company. 

I tried not to think about him sitting in the shadows of the club, nursing his drink as he sulked like the edgy bad boy in a teen movie. No matter how much the image made me bite my lip and my imagination to wander. I arrived at the Morgan’s ten minutes later, and Savannah opened the door, mid way through putting in a pair of golden hooped earrings. The gold in her eyes reflected off of the hoops, and if I had to imagine what Hera looked like, this is it. 

She smiled warmly, inviting me in and giving me a sideways hug. “Thank you so much for coming on such short notice.” She said, slipping on her black heels as Derek came down from their bedroom in a casual dark blue suit. His attention was instantly on Daisy, and vice versa. 

“I don’t mind at all! I was just going to sit and watch T.V. anyway.” I responded toeing off my shoes and slipping off my light sweater to hang it on the hook by the door. Savannah nodded, then, as if suddenly remembering something, excused herself to her bedroom. It was then that my phone again went off.

I was smiling before I even read the text, only just seeing Spencer’s name. Derek of course looked up at that moment and smirked knowingly. “Is that Jennie?” He asked teasingly and I glared at him, stuffing my phone in my back pocket. 

“No.” I replied easily, fighting the blush on my face. He just grinned, and at that moment, thankfully, Savannah made her way down the stairs and rested her hand on Derek’s back. 

“Ready?” He nodded, and then the two of them said their goodbyes, excitedly making their way to the truck and I waited until I saw them pull fully away before I read Spencer’s text. 

**Spencer**  
 _I’ll try._

I smiled, locking the screen in favour of cooing towards Hank, who when he spotted me started bouncing excitedly in his bouncer and garbling in a language only he and his mother understood.


	7. Anxious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While babysitting (Y/n) teases Spencer from afar.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpKLXHKems4

Derek and Savannah promised to be back around 11, and I assured them I didn’t mind if they were late, I was just going to watch TV anyway. Hank was put to bed around 7:30, and I had his video baby monitor beside me on full volume as I sat and helped myself to a bowl of ice cream. 

It was 10 now, and as I pressed play on the next episode of the netflix show I was watching, my phone dinged from where I had it plugged in against the wall. I reached for it blindly, too enraptured by the show to really pay attention to where my hand was going. When it was finally in my hand I forced myself to look away long enough to read the message. It was Jennie. 

**Jennie <3 **  
_He looks miserable._

Attached was a photo of Spencer leaning against the wall, his eyes scanning the crowd, a bored expression on his face. 

**Jennie <3 **  
_He’s security tonight, poor lamb :(_

I smirked, shaking my head. He did look miserable. The club looked busy, but not as exciting as it did on Friday. Friday night was the classes night, and most everyone there was a newbie, and it was a munch of sorts. I had busied myself while Hank slept educating myself on some of the words I remembered Spencer mentioning during the Q&A, Munch being one of them. 

I swear, I’m gonna need flashcards. 

Tonight, however, the club was a private event, or at least, that’s what Jennie had said when she texted earlier. The staff was really only there to offer advice, but the host was a long time member, and he had relegated much of the staff to their side duties. Jennie had been giving me a play by play, and this latest update was about the absolutely abysmal look on Spencer’s face. 

**Me**  
_His next drink’s on me._

**Jennie <3 **  
_You got it._

She was once again bartender at the wet bar, and I had no idea if Spencer even drank, he had mentioned that he didn’t when he was acting in a dominant role, requiring that both he and his partners were sober during all scenes. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t drinking tonight. Hopefully he would, to at least have a little fun. 

I received no further texts for a good 15 minutes, long enough for the main character in the show to say something stupid and chase away her best friend. I was all but shouting at the screen when she wouldn’t just be an adult and call her, then again, who was I to talk. I had packed my shit and moved away in an afternoon because I caught my boyfriend cheating. But in my defense, it was only the tip of the iceberg. A very big, very disappointing iceberg. 

When my phone did go off, it startled me, and I jumped. 

**Spencer**  
_Buying me drinks now?_

I bit my lip and laughed, pulling my feet up under me on the couch and wrapping my toes in the blanket. There was no denying the AC at the Morgan’s was working just fine. 

**Me**  
_I can hear you scowling from here._

I replied, excitement erupting in my stomach. I hated how so much alone time had let me think on what Jennie had said at lunch. She was right, of course. Just because the things we did had a sexual connotation, it didn’t mean that we couldn’t screw around as friends. I tried not to think about the fact that I knew I was catching feelings. I always caught feelings way too fucking fast. But over a weekend? That was warp speed even to me. 

It was a honeymoon phase, give me a week and I would be fine…. I was sure of it. 

**Spencer**  
_This has to be the most boring private event ever. Everyone here qualifies for the senior discounts._

I snorted, wiping melted ice cream from my face as I placed the bowl on the side table, shifting so my lower back was against the arm of the couch. 

**Me**  
_What, not a fan of watching old people get it on?_

**Spencer**  
_Well now I need to go wash my eyes out with bleach_

**Spencer**  
_So thanks for that visual._

**Me**  
_I am here to please._

The risque nature of the message didn’t hit me until a few seconds after I sent it, and I held my breath waiting for his answer. When his response didn’t come in the same rapid fire time I was expecting, I felt my stomach roll. I flipped my phone over, screen down and tried to focus back on the show. Somehow the friends had started talking to one another, but now a boyfriend was involved? What?

I near jumped out of my skin when my phone dinged again and I forced myself to wait a few seconds before turning it over. I nearly frowned when I saw Jennie’s name. 

**Jennie <3 **  
_What are you saying to this poor boy????_

**Jennie <3 **  
_He’s been grinning at his phone like an idiot, and now he’s doing that thing guys do when they rub their chin with their thumb and biting his lip._

**Jennie <3 **  
_I stg if I look over and your tits are on his phone you owe me a drink._

At least I knew now that his lack of response wasn’t due to him rejecting the comment, but instead, it was due to him not knowing how to respond. I had a strange surge of pride when I realized that I had shut him up for a hot second. Unintentionally too. One point me. 

**Me**  
_I’m not doing anything, I swear!_

**Spencer**  
_Its a shame you’re babysitting, you could come visit and we could show these old timers a thing or two._

I sat up suddenly. Oh my god, was… was he sexting? Were we sexting? Is that what’s happening? I immediately screenshotted it and sent it to Jennie who just sent back a winking emoji. Which was totally unhelpful. 

**Me**  
_That’s the second time you’ve propositioned me Spencer, when are you going to follow through?_

Heart pounding I sent the text and all but threw my phone away from me. There was an agonizingly long time before my phone dinged again. I stared at the phone from where it was sitting across the couch from me, eyeing it like it was primed to explode. As I reached for the phone, it beeped again and I recoiled like it shocked me. Then, biting the bullet, I snatched it up and opened my phone without looking to read the messages. 

**Spencer**  
_And that’s the 5th time you’ve challenged me. Are you prepared for when I do?_

**Spencer**  
_This is a dangerous game you’re playing, (Y/n). Make sure it’s one you are prepared to lose._

I felt all the air leave my body at that and my hands shook as I typed out my response. 

**Me**  
_Challenge accepted._

And it really was. 

The Morgan’s returned at around 11:10, apologizing profusely, but I waved them off, telling them that Hank was out cold and had been since I put him down at bedtime. They tried to offer me money but I had all but run out of the house once Daisy had her leash on and we headed home. Derek offered to drive, but I refused, telling him I was looking forward to the walk, mostly because the cool air would act as the equivalent to a cold shower which was also desperately needed. How could I get so worked up over a text? Bullshit. 

I curled up into bed with Daisy snuggled against my side at around midnight that night, and forced myself not to think about the feeling of Spencer’s hands on my wrists, or remembering how his hand felt on my thigh, how warm and large it was in comparison to my leg, or my face… or my neck. I was doing a shit job about not thinking about him, I could only hope that he was having similar trouble to me. 

*~*~*

An early morning Sunday call was not unheard of for the BAU, but that didn’t make it any less annoying when they were called in unexpectedly. And from the exhausted, or hungover looks on most of the team’s faces, it was easy to tell that there was going to be hell to pay when Prentiss arrived. 

Penelope, ever dressed in her rainbow of colours, shuffled into the room, London cup in hand, and stood at the front of the room just moments before Rossi entered, and sat down to Spencer’s right. He jumped putting his personal cell phone away in his pocket before anyone could see him staring once more at the text that (Y/n) had sent him the night before. 

Luke gave him a look across the table and Spencer simply returned it, his eye twitching to signal that he noticed the challenge, and rejected it. He didn’t have to explain anything to anyone,and if Luke wanted to take Derek’s spot as a profiler, he could prove his worth by figuring it out himself. 

“I’m too tired to give you all a clever one liner so let’s just get right into it. Three bodies were discovered-” Spencer stopped listening actively at this point, instead he ran his eyes over the file in front of him and had the entire case memorized before Penelope even started to show the pictures any further. Sadistic serial killer, how fun. But he displays his victims in a church. _Religious_ sadistic serial killer, now that was interesting. 

Spencer only realized that the team was leaving when he heard everyone standing and grabbing their go bags. Falling behind the crowd, Luke waited up for him, giving him a knowing smirk as Spencer passed him. “So who is she?” He called, none too quietly. There was a slight stutter in the rest of the team’s steps that alerted Spencer that they were no doubt listening. 

“There is no she.” He responded, entirely unconvincingly. 

“A he then? Don’t worry Doc, I don’t judge.” Luke teased, nudging his shoulder gently. “Come on, give me something.” 

“I’d rather not mix my personal life and my professional life.”

“So there is someone.” Damnit. 

“No.. not.. Not really.” He finally relented, all eyes turning to him in the elevator. “I don’t know we only met this week.” Spencer felt a blush rise on his face and shifted in his stance. He didn’t want anyone to know about his life outside of the BAU, especially not when The Red Lounge was involved. 

Luke being a bastard and sussing out that tidbit of information before he was ready to reveal it had Spencer even further in his bad mood which started when he had to get up this disgustingly early after being at the club until midnight. Luckily there was a shower at the club, and he had just stepped out when he had gotten the call to come in. His go bag always in his car, he had changed and then headed down to Quantico. 

Emily knew about his alter-ego, mostly because there had been a conflict of interest a few weeks prior when a co-worker had been involved in a drugs bust, Desiree becoming his replacement. Rossi knew because… well, an awkward case of across the bar eye-contact had ended in a ‘I don’t see you, you don’t see me’ conversation, and then a round of teasing regarding the young doctor’s sex life. 

Everyone else was in the dark, and he’d rather keep it that way. Luke had poked a hole in that hope though, and soon enough he was being pestered about the new suitor, only stopping when Prentiss came to his rescue and ordered that everyone focus on the case. It was an order he was more than willing to accept. 

What was more concerning than how much his mind drifted to (Y/n) during the case, was how much he wanted to see her again. There was something about her that made him so incredibly interested. Whether it was because she was just new, and he was hyper fixated on her, or that she ticked all of his boxes. His mind kept replaying every time she laughed, or the fire in her eyes when she challenged him, or even the innocent look on her face when she had asked him questions in his car. 

It took everything in him not to jump her at that point, but he could tell that it would be just too much for her after the night she had. He had to physically restrain himself from following her into her apartment. Primal instincts were physiologically nearly impossible to resist, but he had done it. All that restraint had nearly gone to the wind when she had texted that little quip to him at the bar. 

Spencer doubted she even knew what that did to him, she had to know she was playing with fire, there was no way she didn’t. And if she did know, how far was she ready to go? The answer was probably not as far as he was, and that was another reason he forced himself not to respond how he wanted to to her last text. He sighed, shifting in his seat on the plane, making himself read another page of his book before JJ gave him another puzzled look as to why he hadn’t turned the page. 

*~*~*

Another week started, and I forgot all about my little stunt with Spencer as I was required to work back to back 12 hour shifts at the coffee shop. I had done it to myself, offering to cover multiple other people’s shifts from Monday to Wednesday. Friday was bill day, and I needed another $250 if I wanted to break more than even. By the time I dragged myself home, collapsing on my bed, I didn’t even notice the boxes of food left on my counter by Savannah. I had asked her to let Daisy out because I couldn’t, and she must have gotten me food and left it out for me on the counter. 

Near in tears I grabbed a box of the tikka masala and didn’t even bother heating it up as I made my way to my bathroom and ran a hot bath. I alternated shoveling food into my mouth and dumping bubble bath into the hot water. I even lit a few candles before balancing my laptop on the toilet and opening up netflix and putting on my show. Daisy had joined me some time between me dropping the empty food container in the trash and me stepping into the water, resting her big black head on the side of the tub as if to ask me if I was alright. I was, not only had I somehow made nearly $100 in tips over the last three days, but I actually knew I was going to have a bit of savings as a cushion. $50 of which went into my Daisy Adoption fund, and another $100 into my car fund. The remaining $100 went into an emergency fund and I actually felt myself getting more stable ground. 

I treated myself to this bath, and I was going to enjoy it. I sighed, letting my shoulders fall under the bubble line of the bathtub. All in all, I was enjoying my Wednesday evening. My phone beeped on the floor and I glanced over to see a message from Derek. Drying my hands, I reached over to open my phone and read it. 

**Derek Morgan**  
_Savannah and I wanted to extend the invitation to Hanks’ first birthday,Sunday September 10th, 2017. We know it’s over a month away, but we wanted to make sure that everyone knew with plenty of time to plan._

Of course I was going to go! The little munchkin was slowly becoming my favourite person, and I loved him to bits. I replied with such, and Derek seemed genuinely excited that I had agreed. With that settled I relaxed more into my bath and turned my attention back to the show. Yep, things were falling into place.


	8. Sleeping with a Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If my hearts gonna break before the nights gonna end, we're in danger, sleeping with a friend"? 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BB7R0ZY9w94

Thursday came and went faster than I was anticipating, and Friday morning I was scrambling to gather up all my money to drop it in my Landlord’s mailbox by 5pm. I returned from the bank, near on $1000 in my hand in bills, gripping on to them with a deathgrip. When they had safely been deposited in the drop box she had on the front of her door, I sighed a breath of relief, which was short lived when I remembered that I would have to do the same rat’s race this month, and the next until I had a solid savings built up. 

My phone buzzed in my hand, and I slid it open, reading the text as I debated what I was going to have for dinner. My groceries had dwindled quickly, and I was in desperate need for another grocery run. 

**Spencer**   
_Working tonight I assume?_

I hadn’t heard from the man all week, besides a few texts here and there if I texted first. It made sense, he was 30 or so now, so he probably had a real job, and didn’t have time for me. It didn’t hurt my feelings, I understood. Honestly, I didn’t really respond until I was off work anyway. This text of him initiating conversation was a shocker though, and I felt my heart clench in excitement. 

**Me**   
_You know what they say about assumptions…_

**Me**   
_But yes, I’m working the bar tonight I guess._

Desiree had sent me the schedule on Wednesday, and I was working on bar with one of the other girls, Grace. I was kind of sad, I wanted to do more classes with Spencer, but I suppose they switched off, because one of the other Dominants, Angel, was doing a crash course as a dominatrix. Half of me wanted to poke my head in, just for shits and giggles, but the bar was always overcrowded on Fridays, and Grace would skin me alive. 

I hadn’t met Grace, but from the picture on her instagram, she was no nonsense. Anyone who could sit that long for that many tattoos had the patience of a saint, but also the badass personality of a mob boss. Jennie friended me first, then when the rest of the staff saw that we were friends when she tagged me in a picture from our lunch date, I was suddenly flooded with around 20 followers, but not one from Spencer. It didn’t help that he had the most typical white boy name out there, and I didn’t know his last name, so I couldn’t even stalk him. 

**Spencer**   
_Well good, I can visit you while I work floor security._

I felt a bubble of joy rise in me and I had to put my phone down so as not to squeal in girlish excitement. My phone buzzed again moments later. 

**Spencer**   
_I’ll pick you up at 6._

I frowned, not that I didn’t appreciate the ride, but I didn’t want to impose, and I certainly didn’t want him to think I expected his assistance. 

**Me**   
_Oh no! That’s okay, I’m nowhere near ready yet and I don’t want you to be late.Plus I haven’t even showered._

I glanced at the clock, it was 5:40 now. I still had to change and do my makeup, and I was even debating a shower. I sniffed my shirt, yep, I smelled like dishwater and coffee, a shower was required. I heard it buzz as I was about to step into the shower and I tilted my head to see his message, because of course he would argue with me. 

**Spencer**   
_Wasn’t a request. I’ll see you in 15 minutes._

“Fifteen minutes!? Fucking hell!” I scrambled into the shower, washing my hair with my 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner I used when I was just touching up my hair and let it sit in my hair as I rushed to shave my 2 day old stubble. Each time I nicked my skin I swore, muttering under my breath. Not only was he about to be late because of me, I was about to be covered in bandaids. Luckily, because of my position at the bar tonight, I was able to have more freedom with my outfit, so stockings were going to be my friend. 

I jumped out of the shower, toweling myself off and tying my hair up into a dry towel to dry. I checked my time, and I had about 7 minutes to get dressed. I swore again, and grabbed my makeup bag, tossing it into my work bag along with a pair of flats and comfortable clothes (a tip I had learned from Jennie) to change into after my shift. 

For tonight, I slipped on a pair of black stockings,a black pleated mini skirt that I hadn’t worn in years but thank god it still fit, a black pair of work boot like heels, and a black sheer shirt that you could just barely see my bralette under. Glancing at my watch, I yelped, snatching my bags from the ground and tossing the towel on my head into the laundry before I rushed out the front door locking it and hurrying down the steps, just crossing the threshold of my door when I saw his yellow bug park on the curb. 

I glared at him as I walked down my lawn, but my mind was racing in my head. Why was I so concerned about being ready exactly at 6? Or, from my watch. 6:01. Never in my life have I ever gotten ready so fast, granted, my makeup wasn’t done, and my hair was still wet, not just damp, but wet. Luckily we had a few hours before the club opened for me to make myself at least a bit more professional. As I argued with myself, I realized that I really did want to be on his good side, I wanted him to think that I was good, and with disturbing elation, I realized I wanted to please him. 

I pulled open the back door and pushed my work bag into the backseat, pulling my makeup bag and hair brush from it before returning to the front seat. I huffed as I sat down, making a point of adjusting myself before clicking in my seatbelt. He hadn’t said anything, and I glanced at him out of the side of my eye and furrowed my brow in confusion as I saw him looking at his watch. Only when my belt was fully secured did he drop his wrist. 

“One minute and 46 seconds.” He said, before sitting up in his seat, adjusting his long legs in the car, bringing the car in drive before pulling away. 

“What?” I responded, hand freezing as I reached for the make up bag. 

“That’s how much time you made me wait for you.” I stared at him, stunned. His face was serious, but the mischievous glint in his eye when he glanced at me made me narrow my eyes. 

“Oh I’m sorry,” I responded dryly. “Almost two whole minutes of your day were wasted. You could have brushed your teeth with that precious time.” I snapped, rolling my eyes as I pulled down the visor to use the mirror. 

“A minute and 46 seconds may not seem like a long time now, but just you wait.” He smirked, his eyes dutifully focused on the road. 

I tried not to let him see how his words affected me once I realized what he meant. Instead, I tried to play it off and pulled out my eyeshadow pallet to swipe it onto my face. “If that’s how long you last, Spencer, I’m sorry for any girl you’ve brought home.” My retort had the desired effect, and I saw his tongue poke out and push his lip away from his bottom row of teeth, shortly after, his hand clenched on the steering wheel and his jaw was not long to follow. I snorted to myself, pushing his buttons was so fun… surely I would regret it later, but that’s fine…. Right?

“You’re a brat you know that?” He seethed, but the undertones of his words let me know that he enjoyed it much more than he would lead me to believe. 

“So I’ve been told.” I replied sweetly, blinking my freshly warpaint covered lashes at him. His eyes darted to me, watching me for a moment before I nodded to the road. “Careful, wouldn’t want to wreck _your_ car too.” I teased, which instantly broke the tension as his face fell into concern. 

“Wait, you wrecked your car?” He asked, suddenly back to his goofy self. 

“Well, wrecked is a strong word,” I replied, returning my attention to the mirror to apply my eyeliner in a thin line. I nearly smiled when I felt him slow down and drive more carefully until I dropped it back into my bag, pulling out my brow liner and mascara. “I prefer to say that she lived her life, and then was released to the great parking lot in the sky.” I gesticulated dramatically, looking up to the sky and making a cross over my chest. Spencer snorted a laugh. 

“How have you been getting to your day job? There isn’t a Metro stop for 7 and a half miles.” He glanced between me and the road, before he signaled onto the ramp to get into the city. 

“A neighbor has been driving me.” I replied, pulling out my lip liner and the lipgloss I was wearing. I normally never took this long with makeup, preferring to dab a bit of shadow and head out the door, but this was work, and men were stupid, so the more makeup I wore, the bigger my tips. Which was partially why I wore such a revealing shirt as well. 

Spencer nodded, watching me out of the corner of his eye as I swiped the liner over my lips, then followed with the lipgloss. I felt him watching, so I decided that if he wanted to play, two could play at this game, so innocently, I wiped at the corner of my mouth, then stuck my finger in my mouth, and dragged it out slowly, making a show of checking my teeth after to cover my ass. Spencer did not appreciate the little move. “Fucking tease.” He said lowly, I smirked. 

“Sorry, what was that?” I replied innocently, bringing my hairbrush up to the ends of my hair and starting to slowly brush it out. He just bit his tongue and shook his head, a tortured smile on his face. Two could definitely play at this game, and I already saw him planning his next moves in his head. I tried not to act too excited when I saw his hand tense on the steering wheel again. 

Instead I busied myself with braiding from one side of my head, behind my skull, and down over my shoulder. It would stay out of my face, and also not go fizzy in the humidity of the club. It didn’t matter what AC you had, a bunch of bodies in a space, all drinking, and dancing, meant it was going to get hot, and fast. 

I dug through my bag, and discovered a red ribbon at the bottom, and deftly tied it into a bow on the end of the braid. Just as I did so, Spencer pulled into a parking spot and turned off the car. We gathered our things, and it was only then that I realized that Spencer wasn’t in his work shirt, just a black t-shirt. 

I almost made a comment about it as I stepped out of the car, but my mouth went dry when I watched him pull the shirt off and reveal his undershirt. I could tell this guy was strong, but the defined muscles that appeared not only in his arms but also from where I could see his shirt was stretched a bit too thin over his chest. He purposefully wore a shirt too small didn’t he… he was one of those. I rolled my eyes, but took my time “checking my reflection” in the window to keep my view as he pulled on his black shirt and buttoned it up, quickly stuffing it into his pants and then pulling the black tie from it’s spot where it was coiled on the top of his bag. 

What I thought was my extremely stealthy ogling session was cut off by him speaking as he tied the tie. “If you’re done gawking, we are about to be late.” my face went hot and red in seconds as I tried-and failed-to defend myself. He just raised an eyebrow at me, not amused, and motioned with a hand to walk. I did, still grumbling. “Sorry, what was that?” He mocked, leaning forward, and cupping a hand by his ear. I glared at him and rolled my eyes. “Keep rolling them, see what happens.” 

I was all for teasing and flirting with co-workers, which was all this was… or at least, that’s all I thought it was. Jennie’s words had me over analyzing everything that had happened in the times we had interacted, either on the phone or in person, both of which were limited. When we were working, it was work, just that, and any situation can be taken as flirting or even overtly sexual when one was being strapped down or manhandled. 

But was Jennie right? Did he really think of me like that? Of course he didn’t, our jobs had an intense relationship required, so it wasn’t unheard of that there would be some intense feelings when we were together. Anyone would see the exchanges we just had in the car and the parking lot as two friends teasing each other. 

That was easier to process, we were new friends who got paid to screw around a little. Well, when I put it like that I sounded and felt very much like a prostitute without the commitment. I’d have to talk to Jennie about that later. For now, Spencer held open the door to the club for me and I passed under his arm thanking him quietly before tossing my bag in the locker area and grabbed the apron with my name on a sticky note to head to the bar. Spencer followed suit, but he grabbed a set of keys and what looked like a taser. 

I raised an eyebrow at the weapon and he shrugged. “I personally don’t need it, but it’s regulation.” I nodded, confused as to why he wouldn’t want something on him, but then again, I just saw a fraction of his muscles and needed a drink. An evil part of me was hoping I would see them in action tonight. 

A crash from the bar area, and a giggle followed by Desiree squealing as she rushed out the swinging doors and flashed me a bright smile before disappearing around the corner. Grace, dressed in clothing similar to Spencer appeared in the doorway behind her, a playful scowl on her face as she wiped something from her cheek. “You little bitch! I’ll get you for that.” She grinned after the red haired woman, then her face turned to me and she instantly looked a bit more serious. “You, (Y/n)?” I nodded nervously, and she smiled, extending her hand. “Grace. You’re with me tonight.” She craned her head in a nod to Spencer who just brushed his hand along my back as he passed behind me, heading out towards the sitting area of the bar, exiting through another set of red leather bound doors. 

I watched him go for a moment, but Grace swinging a towel over her shoulder and nodding her head back towards the bar caught my attention. I followed obediently, tying the apron around my waist as I followed her into the bar area. “So, full disclosure, I’ve never really bartended before.” I said nervously, and she shrugged. 

“Good time to learn, but honestly, don’t worry. Most everything you need to know is on this little cheat sheet.” She poked a laminated guide behind the bar and I nodded, taking a moment to read it over as she pulled up a rack of dishes and started to put them away. Surprising myself, I knew most of the drinks on the sheet, and even more surprised to find that most of the choices didn’t have nearly as many ingredients as I expected. 

She let me study, answering any questions I had as she restocked the bar. I found myself warming up to the woman, her outwardly standoffish appearance really just a resting bitch face. Behind that, she was beautiful, inside and out. On top of her tattoos, of which she explained the significance of all of them when I asked, she had an undercut that faded into a long hair on the top, dyed extremely black. Her face, much like Desiree, was pierced, two in her lip, one in her brow, and her tongue. She explained that her day job was a tattoo and piercer down town. I had joked that I wanted a tattoo for the longest time but couldn’t decided on anything. She took it seriously, and offered to do my first whenever I got the balls to do it. She had winked and insisted that “you never forgot your first”. Why did everyone love making me blush so bad? 

By 7:30, Desiree called us all together for a brief meeting to go over what to expect tonight. It was at this point I got to meet Angel, who was exactly the opposite of what I expected from a seasoned dominatrix. Her hair was long, insanely so, even when it was braided, and platinum silver. She wore the black required by the club, but it wasn’t leather and chains like I expected, but a corset vest shirt, and a pair of nice black slacks. She was in heels, the red sole the only thing giving her any intimidation as without them there was no doubt she would only reach 5’1”. 

Besides that, she had no piercings, and her makeup was sweet, almost. From Grace ogling her from across the bar, I put two and two together that they were probably together. When the meeting broke and Angel walked over, just to plant a kiss on Grace’s cheek, my suspicions were confirmed. Spencer made his way to the bar, leaning on it much in the same way as when I first met him and gave me a cheesy smile. “One please.” He said, holding up his hand. 

I gave him a look, and he pointed to the soda gun. I nodded, filling a glass with one of the sphere ice cubes and pressed the coke button. I pushed the glass over to him and he thanked me, making a big show of putting a dollar into the tip jar. I rolled my eyes for good measure and he just shook his head at my teasing. “What do you think, you gonna be okay?” He asked, nodding his head down the bar to where Angel and Grace, ironic now that I thought about it, were speaking quietly. 

“Yea, I think so. I may cry if someone yells at me, but other than that, yep!” I joked, but his hand firmly on my arm tore my eyes away from them and back to his, concerned. 

“You don’t have to put up with any of that, you can throw people out if you need to. And if you get too scared, tell Grace and she’ll do it.” I nodded, knowing that I probably would just take it. He squeezed my arm tightly and I hissed in pain. He looked at me seriously. “Say you will.” He ordered. 

“I will, I promise.” I replied honestly, and he let go of my arm. I rubbed where his hand had been, mostly for show and it was his turn to roll his eyes. I smirked, mimicking his voice as I repeated his words back to him. “Keep rolling them, see what happens.” He gave me a look of warning, but softened it by extending his drink to me and winking as his goodbye. I watched him go, not realizing I was staring until Grace cut off my line of sight by bracing her elbow on the bar and then pressing her head into her fist. 

“Down girl.” She joked, breaking my trance, only for me to blush and look away, busying myself cleaning a non-existent mess. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I defended, turning my back to her to grab a tub of lemons and fill the toppings bar. 

“Mmmhmm, sure.” She replied, taking the tub from my hands to fill one further down the bar. “The two of you are ridiculous.” I stalled at that, furrowing my brow. She glanced up at me at that, shaking her head. “Yes, both of you.” 

“We are just friends, new ones at that.” I replied, the words not really feeling right even to me. “He’s just being nice.” 

“Oh sure, he’s being nice all right. I just wouldn’t be surprised if I opened the store room to find you two fucking on top of the toilet paper.” Her crass reply made me sputter and she walked up to me, laying a hand on my shoulder as she passed. “I give it a week, tops.” I turned to her over my shoulder, watching her for a moment, before my eyes returned forward, and I sussed out Spencer in the crowd of security standing by the front doors, getting ready to open them when the club opened at 8. As if he felt me staring, he turned, but not before I had ducked my head below the bar, reaching for a bucket to fill up the ice machines. 

*~*~*

An hour and a half later, the bar was at max capacity, and the class that Angel was teaching was just letting out. I was scrambling to open a case of LandShark beer when I heard someone calling out to me. I looked up to see a man, skinny and pale, waving his hand at me. “Just a second!” I called, finally ripping open the top of the box and pulling one for the gentleman who had requested it. He thanked me, and I put the tip he gave me into my apron. It was then that I realized skin-n-bones was one of those douchy guys who thought the world catered to him and only him. Spencer called them “Fake Doms”.

“Hey, Slut! I said let me order!” He yelled over the music, and I felt my blood run cold. I pasted on a kind smile anyway and made my way over to him, using my most sickly sweet voice to attend to him. 

“I’m sorry for making you wait a few seconds longer than you feel you’re entitled to, what can I get for you sir?” I blinked a few times in mock flirting, and he just narrowed his eyes, spitting out his order of a jack and coke. I nodded, promising swiftness before promptly ignoring him and returning to a regular at the end of the bar who was buying both Grace and I shots for every one he had. 

I poured out his next shot and took one of my own, my own mind starting to spin. I needed to slow down, that was my third in the last hour. Normally I wasn’t a lightweight, but only a snack in my stomach and the heat was a deadly combination. Only after I attended to the empty glasses on the bar and dropped them in the sink did I fill up the cup with the scrawny guy’s drink. I set it in front of him and he glared at me. “You purposefully took your time.” He snarled, and I just looked at him over my shoulder as I took his card and closed his tab, handing it back to him. 

“Yea, I did. So why don’t you finish that drink and go cry about it.” Maybe my words were a bit harsher than they needed to be, but this guy had called me a slut, and he had been annoying, and I was mildly tipsy. Plus, I was in control here. That was, until I felt the distinct feeling of ice colliding with my chest, and sticky wet coke flowing between the tiny holes in my shirt and down my skirt. 

Grace appeared from the back of the bar with a rack of dishes just as the drink collided with my face. I stood in shock, both from the cold, and the relization that that had just actually fucking happened. When I came to my senses, I huffed out a breath of shocked air and glared my best daggers at the man. He instantly recognized his mistake when the other patrons at the bar moved away from him and gave him the room to face the full brunt of my rage. 

“Did you actually just throw a fucking _drink_ at me?” I raged, nearly climbing over the bar before Grace hooked her arm around my waist and pulled me back, just in time for me to see Spencer’s furious face as he pulled the shit head’s arm away from the bar where he was probably trying to reach my tip jar to get the price of his drink back, and pin it below his back. 

He’s eyes found mine instantly after and he checked me over the best as he could from his position. “Are you alright?” He asked, and at this point, Grace let me go, standing half between me and the patron as I wiped off the residue with a napkin a woman at the bar had handed me. 

“I’m fine!” I seethed. “Get that fucker out of here!” I growled, near ready to go after him again, Grace anticipated this and put her hands on my shoulders, pushing me towards the doors of the bar to the back room. 

“You heard the lady, let's go.” Spencer ordered, pulling the man up as he yelped in pain from his arm in the unnatural position. That was the last thing I saw before I was pushed into the back room. 

Grace sat me down on a bench and one of the cooks appeared in the room with a wet towel, which he handed to me and I dabbed at my shirt trying to get the sticky feeling of coke and whiskey off my skin. I was muttering again, and Grace just started to laugh, which, after I glared at her for laughing at my pain, I started to laugh too. “Bitch you’re on bar for one night and you already got a drink thrown at you. And it wasn’t even an Ex!” She laughed, and I couldn’t help but grin proudly. 

“Is that a record?” She nodded, leaning back against the wall across from me. Dabbing the shirt wasn’t working, so I growled, standing and just pulled the sheer shirt off and tossed it on the bench while I used the towel to wet myself down. Grace whistled and covered her eyes and I just rolled mine. “Oh please, you could see all of this before this is just one less layer.” I retorted, finally getting the last of the coke off my chest and stomach. 

Grace uncovered her eyes and grabbed my shirt, running it under the tap of a washbasin before shaking it, drying it off pretty effectively. It was still going to be damp, but at least it wouldn’t dry smelling like alcohol. I heard the door open, as I ran the towel under my bralette, and I couldn’t cover myself before Spencer came into the room. He froze, then, turned, facing towards the door with his hands up. “I didn’t see anything.” He replied nervously, and I just scoffed. Grace, on the other hand, gave me a knowing look and I just glared back at her. 

“Don’t worry, Spencer, you missed the strip tease.” She said, winking to me, effectively making my face go red with rage and embarrassment. It was then that she decided to take her leave of me and return to the bar. I tried to burn holes in the back of her head as she left, but was unsuccessful as the door swung closed behind her. 

Spencer turned at that, his mouth open as he looked between where she had just disappeared and where I was standing, using the towel to cover my modesty. I realized then that it was pointless, and I nodded towards my shirt which was hanging off the side of the washbasin by Spencer’s hand. “Can.. do you mind?” 

He stared, confused for a moment, then came to his senses and nodded, quickly grabbing my shirt and handed it to me. I dropped the towel in the basket by the door and pulled on my shirt, trying to ignore the feeling of Spencer’s eyes on my body as I shifted, pulling the damp fabric over my body. I was almost successful, until it got caught on my bra strap, and I was immobilized. 

“Spencer?” He made a noise like he was only half listening, and I repeated his name, louder this time. He snapped out of his trance and cleared his throat. “Little help?” He rushed over at that, untangling my shirt from the strap and helped me pull it down over my body, his hands resting on my hips as he stepped close to me. I took a step back, but he followed me, pressing my body against the wall as his head dipped down, his nose trailing along my neck. 

I let out a shuddering breath, and he inhaled, his grip tightening ever so slightly. “I can still smell the alcohol on you.” He commented darkly, and I bit my lip, searching over his shoulder to make sure we wouldn’t get caught. Caught doing… what… though? 

“Spencer.” I said, not really knowing what I would say after. 

“You’re hot when you’re mad.” He said in response, and I felt my knees turn to jelly, but I forced them to support my weight as I pushed my hands into his shoulders moving him away from me so I could look at him, but also because I wasn’t sure how I would act if he kept trailing his lips only a breath away from my neck. 

“Well I’m about to be drop dead gorgeous.” I replied hotly, with none of the venom needed for the phrase to have its desired effect. Instead, it had the opposite and he just smirked at me, bastard.

“Ooo” He crooned, feigning fear. “Scary.” He stepped away at that, wiggling his fingers in a mocking rendition of a TV monster. He smiled a half smile. “Seriously though, are you okay?”

“It was soda Spencer.” I retorted, fixing my hair. “I’m cold, and slightly damp, but other than that, no harm. I’m just glad that fuckface is gone.” And I was thanking him for the day dream material of him man handling that guy around, I realized then that he could have been hurt. “Are you okay? He didn’t hurt you did he?” He shook his head, stepping back fully from me. 

“He tried, but I’m bigger.” I couldn’t help but snort. Spencer was by no means a big guy, at least, not like Andrew who was as wide as he was tall of pure muscle, so the fact he was preening about being able to kick the human equivalent of a stick bug out solo was endearing. I stuck out my bottom lip in a proud pout, nodding my head dramatically. 

“And I’m vewy pwoud.” I teased, patting his arm. He just narrowed his eyes and took a step towards me. I wish I could say I held my ground, but I didn’t, I immediately stepped back and braced myself against the wall, my eyes wide. 

“Mmhm, that’s what I thought.” He replied sinisterly, his thumb and forefinger shooting out to catch my lip between them. “Watch it.” He added, before turning on his heel and leaving the back room. 

Just in time, as I heard Grace call me from the bar. “Hey, (Y/n), if you two are done peacocking, I could use some help up here!” I rushed to help her, my mind still trying to figure out what she meant by “peacocking.”


	9. River

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer leaves the club in a rush, prompting a heart to heart with the girls.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5jz8xdpR0M

Thankfully, the rest of the night was quiet, only two more people having to be asked to leave when they tried to get freaky in a booth. Not to be hypocritical, they were offered a room, but they refused, claiming that we were shaming them, but in reality, the club had real rules about public sex: Don’t. So they were removed, and when the security crew returned 20 minutes later, each looking pissed and in need of a drink, Grace and I poured each of the team a shot and to my surprise, Spencer took one, drinking it back like a champ. I poured myself one and him another placing it in front of him. 

He gave me a curious look, his eyes narrowing slightly as he watched me. I wasn’t drunk, at least, not yet, but I had had a pleasant buzz going all night. “Haven’t you had enough?” He replied quickly, as I dabbed my finger in salt and laid it on my hand, grabbing a lime to bite after I drank back the tequila. I shrugged, wrapping my fingers around the glass, looking at him pointedly as I brought my hand to my mouth, ready to lick it. “What, are you going to stop me?” I challenged, waiting a beat before I moved. 

“Do you want me to?” He replied just as deadly, and I raised my eyebrows, quickly licking the salt and then drinking back the shot, biting into the lime just before the taste hit me. My face screwed up at the sour juice and I sighed as the heat of the alcohol hit me. “How much have you had? And have you eaten?” 

“Grace is watching me, I’m fine.” I retorted, reaching for his once I realized he wasn’t going to drink it. 

“That’s not what I asked.” He snapped, his hand quickly coming to encircle my wrist. 

“Well it’s the answer I gave you.” I snapped right back, using my free hand to grab it when he wasn’t looking and swallow it back, taking his coke to chase it. I took pity on him, knowing how he wasn’t the biggest fan of germs and got him a new glass, refilling it with his coke of choice. He watched me with dangerous eyes and I just pretended I didn’t feel them burning into me, then again, that may just be the tequila meeting the long island iced tea in my system. 

“You’re toeing dangerously on the line of being obstinate.You need to slow down.” His voice was low, and I was almost sobered by the shock of anticipatory fear that ran through me. Unfortunately, my clever reply was garbled when it left me, and instead of eloquently telling him to fuck off, I said this:

“Make me.” Famous last words obviously, because I watched as his nostrils flared and his shoulders tensed. Then, just as soon as it happened, it vanished, and he relaxed again. 

“You’re drunk.” He sighed, grabbing his glass in an attempt to calm himself down. 

“And you’re boring.” I replied, getting myself an excuse to leave the bar by grabbing a rack of dirty dishes and returning them to the kitchen. Just as I did, Jennie, who was waitressing tonight walked in to drop off an order. I grabbed her arm and brought her into the bathroom just off the kitchen while she sputtered in confusion. “Jennie! I need you to smack me.” 

She looked at me in confusion, then a mischievous smile spread over her face. “Why don’t you ask Spencer, I’m sure he’d jump at the chance.” From the unamused look on my face, she ascertained that that fact was the source of my issues at the moment. “Oh shit, whats happening.” 

“I don’t know! I really have no idea! My ex boyfriend and I met through mutual friends on a double date. And I never really dated before that! I don’t know how to do this!” I slumped down on the toilet, dropping my suddenly very heavy head on my hands. 

Jennie sighed, and crouched in front of me, mirroring our positions from last week. “Okay, slow down, what happened exactly?” So I told her. I told her about him picking me up, about the teasing and the jokes. She knew about the text messages, it was all we talked about all week. She waited until I was done before she said anything, and even then she waited a hot second before she spoke. 

“Jennie, you’re killing me.” I lamented, and she sighed again. 

“He’s acting like he likes you, and he’s being all… dominant when you guys are alone. I don’t know him outside of work so I don’t know if that’s just the way he is… Maybe you guys need to hang out as people…” Well, that was not what I expected. 

“Like on a date?” I searched her eyes. “Jennie, seriously? That’s the advice you give me? Ask him on a date?” She nodded. 

“What did you expect me to say jump his bones in the car?” I nodded dramatically. “No, look, a relationship like this requires trust, in conjunction with mutual attraction. It’s obvious that you both like each other, he all but moons over you whenever he sees you.” I looked away, nervous. “But,” she turned my face back to her. “You might be right, he may be trying not to scare you away, and he might be testing the waters. And who knows? Maybe he is just flirting with you for fun.” She shrugged, and my heart dropped against my will. 

“So… should I ask him? Or wait for him to ask me?” She thought about it for a moment. 

“Maybe give him the chance to ask, and if he takes it,” She shrugged in a noncommittal way, and I sighed, nodding. We stood at that, exiting the bathroom together, just to run into the man we had just been conspiring about. 

“Everything okay?” I stared, mouth agape, but luckily for me, Jennie was not nearly as intoxicated, which I realized I was a lot further gone than I thought, and she answered for me. 

“Yes, I needed a tampon and (Y/n) had one… you know… girl stuff.” She gave me a side hug and then skipped away, grabbing a plate as she went and pushing the doors with her hips as she seamlessly returned to work. I watched her, slightly jealous before snapping out of it and pushing past Spencer to return to work, but I felt Spencer’s hand on my arm and I stopped. 

“What?” I asked, still not turning to him. 

“Come outside with me.” He asked, his voice missing that telltale command that meant I had no choice. I had a choice this time. 

“Why?” I demanded, turning to look at him. He looked calm, but also like he had something he needed to say. 

“Because I’m going on my break, and I want you to come sit with me.” He replied honestly. I sighed, all anger at his confusing back and forth gone. I nodded numbly and he smiled, taking my hand to lead me out to the worker’s break area. 

When the cool night air hit my skin, I sighed, then instantly found a chair when the brick wall of alcohol hit my brain and I nearly lost my footing. Spencer noticed, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he sat across from me, kicking his legs up on a bench and tilting his head back, his hair sticking in places to his scalp where he was sweating. 

After a few moments, my body adjusted to the temperature and I was actually substantially more sober than I was moments ago. I reached into the cooler that was stationed out back for this purpose and cracked one open, handing it to Spencer, before grabbing one for myself. 

We sat in silence, drinking our waters, neither of us speaking. 

“I’m sorry I kind of ignored you all week.” Came his voice after a few moments. I nearly didn’t hear him, my ears still ringing from the club music. I took a moment to respond, but then I shrugged. 

“You’re an adult, you have a job, I have a job, I’m not 16 I don’t need constant contact. If you’re busy you’re busy.” I rocked my chair back and took another drink from my water bottle, feeling the fog clearing in my head. I did the mental math, over the last 4 ish hours I had been here, I had had about 6 shots, sets of 3 in quick succession. So mentally, I was 2 shots in. Geeze I was a cheap date. 

“I know, but still, I should have told you I wasn’t ignoring you.” I gave him a look, but he actually looked regretful. 

“Spencer, we aren’t dating, you don’t need to apologize for having a life.” I froze, then decided ‘fuck it’. “Even if we were, I’m not going to control your life like that.” My heart was beating wildly in my chest, and I was trying to remain outwardly calm as the silence stretched out before us. 

“Yea, if we were dating...” he said quietly, so much so I thought I had imagined it. He was fiddling with the end of his tie and I stared in shocked silence, waiting for him to move. His eyes finally flicked up to find mine watching him. 

“What?” I replied quietly, not because I didn’t hear him, but because I still didn’t believe him. He opened his mouth to speak again, but Desiree popped her head out of the doorway and gave me an apologetic smile, before turning her attention to Spencer. 

“Hey, Uhm… you’ve got a call..” He furrowed his brow, bringing his feet down in anticipation of her next words. “It’s uhm.. My office?” He sighed, but nodded, standing up quickly and rushing from the back patio. From the skip in his steps, I would have thought that maybe he was happy to have an excuse to leave. 

I waited a few minutes after he left before I returned to the club, making my way through the muggy air to the bar, where Grace was just starting the clean up. Lat call was within the hour. She saw my dejected look and offered me a drink, I thought about refusing it, but then nodded, taking the brightly coloured drink. I didn’t ask her how she knew, but she was quiet for the most part unless she was asking me to do something. Jennie, once the last table had left, came over, leaning against the bar and watching me carefully. 

“So…” She started, but I just shook my head, I didn’t want to talk about it. I don’t know if I would classify that as him asking me out, but then again, how else was I supposed to take it? He may have said it, but he all but thanked the gods for giving him an out. 

I finally just admitted it when Angel arrived and sensing the energy asked me what was wrong. So, that’s how I spilled my entire life story to these three near strangers, and then explained everything that was going on with Spencer. They all listened intently, asking questions as we went. Never in my life had I had such a supportive group of people around me, and when the story came to an end, I was all but being held by Grace behind the bar. 

“Oh honey, you’re not broken.” Angel affirmed, reaching her hand out, handing me a napkin to dab at tears I didn’t know were falling. Fuck I hated being emotionally drunk. “Aiden doesn’t deserve you, and you have every right to be nervous about getting into a relationship so soon.” 

Grace nodded, rubbing my arm with her hand. “Listen, men are stupid, and he’s probably worried you’re gonna reject him. I may not know Spencer that well, but he’s only confident in his Dominant role, when that mask drops, he’s just a kid.” That was ironic coming from Grace who was probably 4 years his junior. 

“Where is he anyway?” Angel asked, turning in her seat and scanning the barely full room. 

“He got a call and had to leave.” I said, not believing that he hadn’t texted Desiree for a bail out plan. That changed when the girls sighed and nodded. “What… is that a regular thing?” 

Grace nodded, letting go of me to wipe down a spill she had spotted. “Sometimes, he’ll just up and leave in the middle of the night. Or he’ll show up super late. We all have a pot on what his day job is.” 

Jennie perked up, raising her hand. “I have 500 on an international spy.” She replied proudly. Angel just rolled her eyes. 

“No way, he’s definitely something boring like a stock broker and his client is some super rich guy living in Saudi Arabia or something.” She winked at me. “I have a cool grand on that.” 

I turned to Grace, waiting for her to give me her guess. “I say he’s someone’s booty call.” She smirked, winking to me to tell me she was kidding. “Don’t need to put money on that, I don’t doubt it for a second.” She shrugged again. “Nah I’ve got like 400 at this point that he’s a scientist or something, kid’s a genius you watch.” She insisted, to which the other girls just shook their heads and gave each other bored looks. 

“What about you? You’ve spent the most time with him one on one, what do you think he does?” Angel asked, all three women turning and giving me their utmost attention. I faltered. I had no idea… he was a mystery to me, but then again, he travels for work, so the stock broker wasn’t out of the question, and he was smart, you could tell just by how he approached situations, then again, his physicality did give the notion he was a spy some weight. 

“I don’t know, maybe he’s a hitman?” I tried, and I watch as all their faces fell and then they all nodded. 

“Yea I want to switch my bet.” Angel said, already pulling out her wallet, but Grace put her hand out, shaking her head. 

“No way! If I couldn’t change my guess, neither can you.”

“I came up with the game!” Angel retorted angrily. “I can change the rules whenever I want.” This roused a protest from Jennie who started talking over Grace as the two of them wouldn’t budge. I just sat back, watching them argue and smiling to myself, I had moved to DC just over 2 months ago not knowing a soul, and now I had three friends, and then there was Spencer… and whatever the hell that situation was. 

*~*~*

With Spencer not around to give me a ride, Angel and Grace offered to drive me home. I had protested at first, but when they promised that they lived like ten minutes from me, I finally relented. Using the time that they needed to finish their nightly duties, I changed in the dressing room into my comfy clothes which consisted of grey sweatpants and a black crop top, completed with a pair of dark green lined crocs. I looked a vision of comfort, and as I wiped off my makeup, I spotted Andrew looking on with Jealousy, his own uniform uncomfortable after so many hours. 

“Ready to go?” Grace asked, brushing out her hair before tying it back in a “man bun” of sorts. I nodded, grabbing my bag and shuffling my feet as we made our way to the door. Angel was outside, just finishing up her cigarette, and when I appeared she smiled, wrapping me in a hug as we walked to their car. 

“So, I’ve been thinking. You seem like you need a girls night, so why don’t you and Jennie come over tomorrow night for dinner. I’m gonna make burritos.” Grace nodded, taking my bag from me and tossing it in the back of the trunk. “Maybe we can all work through the mystery that is Spencer.” I smiled tiredly, then nodded. 

“Yea, that’d be great.” They smiled, that settled, and then we all piled into their car, quietly listening to Grace’s band’s new album. It was actually really good, and before I knew it, I was home, a copy of their CD in my hand. I wished them good night, and as I walked up to my door, as they pulled away. 

I tried not to think about the fact that Spencer would wait until I was inside before he pulled away. In fact, I tried not to think about him at all. I was putting too much thought into this, and by the time I dropped my clothes in the sink with a bit of detergent to hopefully stave off any stains, I had convinced myself that he hadn’t said what he said and that I was just drunk. 

That was exactly the moment my phone decided to go off, and light up with his contact. Glaring at the sky, I opened the message. 

**Spencer**   
_I am so sorry for running out on you like that._

**Spencer**   
_My job called, and I had to answer. I don’t want you thinking I ditched you._

Too late. 

**Me**   
_Spencer, I already told you, we’re adults, I don’t expect you to drop everything and give me your undivided attention._

I waited a few moments before putting my phone down, worrying my lip as I undid my hair, letting the now curly hair come loose from the tight braid. I was brushing my teeth when he responded. 

**Spencer**   
_I really want to make it up to you._

I only sent him a question mark back, and then he was calling me. Reluctantly I answered. 

“Hello?” 

_“Hey”_ He replied, his voice soft, like he was trying not to wake people up. There was a low humm in the background like a plane. 

“Are… are you in a plane?” I asked, laughing lightly. He laughed too, and I could almost see him nodding. 

_”Uhm.. yea..I am.”_ He sighed, and I shifted, pulling my arms closer to my body as I returned to my bedroom. _”Look, (Y/n)...”_ God this was painful. Grace was right, he was a total child when he wasn’t playing a role… I found it oddly endearing. The duality of man. 

“Spencer,” I started, sighing as I sat on my bed, the springs creaking under me.

_”Sorry, you’re… you’re going to bed aren’t you? What time is it? Oh… 12:30.. I’m.. sorry.”_ Oh no you don’t you’re not getting out of this again. 

“Why did you call me, Spencer?” I asked, not angrily, but genuinely confused and curious. 

He sighed on the other side of the line. _”I really do feel bad about running out on you, and I want to make it up to you. So maybe… uhm.. Maybe we can...”_ I held my breath. 

“Spencer, are you asking me out?” I had mercy on the poor guy and heard him sigh in relief. 

_”Yea.”_

“Okay,” I responded, Wednesday was having a fireworks show, the ones on the fourth being moved up due to a bad storm predicted for Tuesday evening. “We can go see the fireworks.” I responded, and I somehow heard him smile. 

_”You read my mind.”_ I smiled, biting my cheek to try to stifle the smile. _”You owe me a drink considering you not only drank mine but dumped my chaser.”_ I grinned, laughing quietly.

“I look forward to it.” I replied quietly before he said good night, and I echoed him, biting my lip as I ended the call. I flopped back on my bed, squealing with delight so loudly that Daisy woke up from her place on my floor and jumped up onto my bed, licking and sniffing my face furiously. I just laughed jovially and rubbed her ears, pulling her down to the bed with me and curling into her side, before we both drifted off to sleep, a stupid smile on my face.


	10. Young And Sad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Girls night and tough conversations.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgx40FUKHAc

Spencer returned to the main body of the plane, pushing the curtain that he had closed for privacy back into its cupboard and smiled to himself. Luke, who hadn’t fallen asleep yet, spotted him from his position on the couch, looking at him expectantly. “So?” He inquired, loudly enough that Rossi, who was reading over a report glanced up, looking between them curiously. 

“She… she said yes.” He said excitedly, tossing his phone in his hand, alerting the other men of his sudden nerves. Rossi smirked, closing over his file and patting the seat across from him. Luke stood and slid in next to Rossi, bracing his forearms on the table as they both looked to the young doctor expectantly. “We’re gonna go to the fireworks.” 

“So when are you going to tell us more about her than ‘She’s a friend’ or ‘I think she hates me now’?” Luke pestered, and Rossi just smiled, looking between the two young men, before tilting his head in agreement. 

Spencer shifted in the seat, a small smile spreading on his face. “She’s… she’s great. Uhm.. she’s smart, kind… beautiful.” He trailed off, and Rossi said something to the effect of “our doctor is smitten” in italian. 

“Where’d you guys meet?” Luke asked, the innocent question really not warranting the nervous response that Spencer gave by ducking his head and clearing his throat. Rossi caught on immediately and had to bite his lips to keep from laughing. 

“Uhm.. at a bar.” It wasn’t entirely a lie, but it still made Luke scoff. 

“Oh, so you’re bar crawling without us? Really nice Reid.” He teased, and Spencer let out a breath of relief at the lack of questioning. Luke checked his watch and yawned, excusing himself to return to his sleeping spot. 

When it was clear that his snores had joined the rest of the team, Rossi let himself laugh lightly. “At a bar, hmm?” He teased, looking up from the file to give him a knowing look. 

“She came in as an emergency fill, and she’s just perfect Rossi.” Spencer sighed, tipping his head back. 

“You really like this girl, huh? I haven’t seen you this distracted in… well.. Ever.” He smiled fondly. “I’m glad to see you dating.” 

“We aren’t dating, not yet. She just got out of a relationship, and I don’t want to pressure her into being with me if she isn’t ready. Desiree said that maybe she wouldn’t mind, kind of like a rebound, but I don’t want to be a rebound, I want to treat her right.” He affirmed, and Rossi nodded solemnly. 

“Well, not that you need to or should take dating advice from me, but I’m gonna give it to you anyway. Don’t rush anything. If she’s nervous about dating again, then just let her know that you’re there when she’s ready. You can toe the line of friend and partner pretty easily, it’s just whether or not you cross that line.” He shrugged. “But I have three ex wives so why listen to me.” Spencer smiled, blowing air out of his nose in a laugh. 

Spencer crossed his arms over his chest and stared out the window, watching as the wing cut through a cloud and the lights at the end of the wing blinked steadily, the repetitive motion lulling him to sleep. 

*~*~*

“Okay okay. So you’ve thought about getting a tattoo for how long? And you’re still blank!?” Grace chastized, taking a drink from her Smirnoff Ice and shaking her head at me. 

“My mom always said that if I came home from college with a tattoo I was disowned!” I defended, thanking Angel as she handed me another Mike’s Hard. “I have two that I’ve thought about, but they are both huge, so I’m not going to get them until I have enough money to spare. 

“Do that and you’ll never get them.” Jennie replied, to which Grace motioned to her with her bottle, staring me down. 

“Thank you Jennie.” She sighed, shaking her head at me. “Okay, so what do you want? I bet you I could do it for cheap.” I shifted, pulling up my phone to scroll through the pictures I had saved. 

“A friend of mine was an art major, so she used markers and hairspray to give me a temporary for when we went to Boston Calling a few years ago.” I found the picture of the Phoenix sternum tattoo and turned my phone around for the girls to see. Grace snatched it from my hands, eyes wide. 

“Yo, this is sick!” She said, tilting it to allow Angel a better view. “You still want this?” She asked, and I nodded nervously. “Deadass if you let me try this I won’t charge you more than like… $200, I’ve been wanting someone to do a sternum tattoo on for a while, Angel already has one and Jennie’s a pussy.” Jennie scoffed and rolled her eyes. 

“I have a low pain tolerance. You and Angel of all people should know that.” She glared at them, and Angel smirked. Through the course of the night, I learned that Angel did demonstrations and Grace was a switch, so she either played as Angel’s submissive, or as a dominant. Jennie had been subjected to both of their wraths at one point or another. 

“It’s not that bad.” Grace dismissed her, but there was no pressure, and I assumed they had had this conversation a few times. “But seriously, if you want this one, I can do it.” She offered and I shrugged.

“Honestly, I was more looking at this one.” I said, scrolling over a few to find a picture, just a drawing really, of the Twisted Gun statue from the New York United Nations, with a poppy poking out of the end. 

The girls looked at it quietly, the symbolism sobering for just a moment. “(Y/n), that’s beautiful.” I nodded sadly. 

“My cousin drew it for me, I told her I loved the statue, and next thing I know she sent me this. She’s 14.” She wasn’t actually my cousin, just a family friend’s daughter, but I called her so because she all but grew up with me. 

“What does it mean?” Angel asked, and I leaned back in my chair, looking to the ceiling. 

“The gun was a gift from a sweedish artist, it was supposed to symbolize Peace in our lifetime, which is one of the UN’s goals. I see it as a reminder that violence is only a last resort.” I had issues with the UN, as did anyone who studied it for more than 20 seconds, but the intent was still good. “And the poppy is for…” I trailed off, it was a hard subject, anyone who knew the significance of a Poppy in Canadian culture knew what it meant. I wasn’t sure how far down in America that traveled, probably further than I thought. “Well, the poppy is for those in my family I lost during the war.” The girls were quiet, and I realized that maybe I had killed the mood. 

Grace dispelled that fear. “I want to do this one too, I’ll do it for $150, just pay for the time.” I stared at her, everyone else I had asked had priced me at well over 300 due to the size and colours required. 

“My gift to you.” I smiled a watery smile at her, and she returned it, I nodded, and she grinned. “We can do it some time this week, when are you off?” I motioned for my phone back and checked my schedule. 

“Thursday?” She glanced up from her phone and nodded. 

“Yea I have an opening, 3 oclock okay?” I nodded in response and she blocked me in for three hours. “We can have food delivered in too.” I was excited now, my first tattoo, done by a friend, for so much cheaper than I was expecting. It was also so exhilarating to know that I not only had the money to do it, but I had the money to pay all my required things as well. As much as I worried about people finding out about my second job, at the same time, my only friends worked there as well, mutually assured destruction I suppose, and as long as bills got paid, no one really cared where my money came from. 

The rest of the night was spent mostly talking about everything but Spencer, which I appreciated, while I wanted to tell them about the meet up- I wouldn’t dare call it a date- I didn’t want to jinx anything, or have him reading my mind the way he does and figure out that I had shared everything he had said to me with his co-workers. Jennie dropped me off at my house on her way back, and as we drove, she finally asked. 

“So, you didn’t mention Spencer once all night. What’s the deal?” She asked, turning to give me a serious look at a stop sign. 

I blushed, looking to my hands. “Well, uhm…” She grinned, already anticipating what I was going to say. 

“OH my god! He asked you out didn’t he?” I nodded and she drummed on the steering wheel squealing excitedly. “What did he say?” 

“He said he felt bad about ditching me, and he wanted to make up for it by taking me out for dinner. We are gonna go see the fireworks then go for dinner I guess.” I couldn't help the smitten look on my face and Jennie just sighed in a lovesick way. 

“Well I’ll be damned, I guess he is a romantic.” she crooned as she pulled up to my apartment. I gathered my things and opened my door, stopping a moment and leaning in through the opened window. 

“And he was on a plane when I called him… sounded like a private jet.” I winked laughing as her jaw dropped, instantly pulling out her phone, no doubt to text into the group chat we had all made about this new development. Sure enough, my phone dinged.

**Jennie <3**   
_(Y/n) has a development on the Spencer Day Job Pot. He called her from a PRIVATE JET._

I laughed, using my key to open my door. Daisy barking only twice before she smelled me and started whining. I grabbed her leash and clipped it to her collar, retracing my steps back down the stairs to let her out in the front law. 

**Grace**  
 _Hold up, WHAT?????_  
 **Angel :0** Why didn’t you say anything?? This is crucial information.

**Jennie <3 **   
_I’m adding 100 to my bet that he’s an international spy._

**Angel :0**   
_Bullshit, he’s totally heading to the Middle East to wine and dine with his client._

**Grace**   
_He doesn’t even speak Arabic?!_

I was outright laughing at this point, imagining them arguing over text when they were no doubt in the same room if not sharing a seat. Angrily looking at each other as they typed. 

**Me**   
_Oh you’ve asked him have you?_

**Angel :0**  
 _THANK YOU (Y/N)_

**Grace**  
 _Don’t encourage her! I thought you were on my side :’(_

I shook my head at that, sending her a kissy emoji, which essentially ended the conversation. Daisy finished her business, and I cleaned up after her before we both returned to the apartment. I filled her bowl with food and some water, and then curled up on my couch to watch a bit of T.V before I went to bed. I ended up watching the news, the same story running over and over again good background noise as I scrolled on my phone for a gift for Hank’s birthday. I debated getting him a cop onesie, but I didn’t really understand child sizes, so I opted against it, looking instead for a play set or something that would be as enriching as it was fun. 

When that came up bust, I sighed, dropping my head back against the couch. What did I love as a kid? Books. I read like 5 a night before I would sleep, always the same ones. Grinning, I opened my amazon and started searching. Maybe I could bring a little 90s kid to this 2016 baby. 

I guess I fell asleep on the couch, the mix of news droning, good food and strong margaritas had me knocked out cold by 10 pm, Daisy’s big head on my hip as I slept. I woke to the sound of a car horn and groaned, rubbing my temples when they started to pound. This is why you don’t drink with bartenders and people who go to raves. They will drink you under the table and still pass a field sobriety test. Daisy had transferred to the other end of the couch when she felt me stir, and I sighed, pausing in my movement to keep from hurling as my head spun. 

When I was on steady ground, I stood, using my hand to blindly find my way through my apartment to my bathroom, where I greedily drank down a few gulps of water and a painkiller before returning to my place on the couch. I felt more than heard my phone ring, and without looking at who was calling I answered, my voice scratchy. 

“Hello?” I responded, forcing myself to stand to close the blinds as a bit of early afternoon sunlight was streaming directly into my face. 

“Woof, sounds like someone had a rough night.” Derek teased and I mock laughed back at him, the sound painful. “Alright alright, I was gonna see if you wanted me to fix that door for you finally, but I have a feeling you could use some hangover food. How does McDonalds sound?” Savannah Morgan, you are a lucky woman. 

“Sounds like a 20 piece with large fries and a coke.” I said, opening my eyes wider now that the room was darker. 

“You got it. I’ll be there in like… 20 minutes.” I nodded, but he somehow knew I had done just that, because he laughed as he said goodbye. I sighed, grabbing my charger from my room and plugging it into the outlet on the island. I opted to wash my hair in the sink, not really having the energy to take a full shower, and not wanting to give myself the worst headache in the world, let it air dry as I changed into new clothes, noticing that my laundry basket was full. 

Just as I was throwing my clothes into the drum, I heard Derek climbing the stairs. I had left my door open, feeling much better after my field shower, enough so to open my windows as well. I had turned off my AC to keep it from trying to cool the whole building down while he fixed the door. My eyes zeroed in on the big yellow ‘M’ on the bag. He held up the other bag with our drinks and shook them smiling widely. “Uber Eats?” I teased and he grinned,before letting me take one of the bags from him and placing it on the island. 

He maneuvered the drinks while I pulled out the food and handed him what I assumed was his burger and fries, before grabbing mine and sitting on the bar stools on my side. Derek opted to lean as he ate and we sat in silence for a few seconds before he spoke. “So. This guy you’re talking to, spill.” I popped a nugget in my mouth, trying to figure out how to explain him without giving away too many details. 

“Well, uhm.. I met him at my second job, teaching… art classes..” I covered my hesitant speaking with taking a drink, and he seemed convinced. “He’s tall, really nice… funny.” I smiled. 

“Does he have a name?” I paled. I didn’t know his last name, and Derek would absolutely lock on to that once he figured it out, so I played it off. 

“Aiden. Aiden Brewster.” I hadn’t said my Ex-boyfriend’s name in so long, and it felt strange on my tongue. I had told Derek about my ex boyfriend briefly, but never his name, and I guess that was good on Past Me because he nodded. “Don’t you go asking your FBI friends to run a background check!” I demanded, pointing at him with a fry. 

“First of all, that’s illegal.” He replied, putting his phone down which was what spurred on my comment. “Second of all, you’re getting too good at predicting what I’m going to do.” He smiled brightly and I puffed my chest proudly, tossing a nugget to Daisy who was patiently waiting beside me, her little nub shaking every now and again when she thought she was going to earn a treat. 

“What can I say, maybe you’re training is rubbing off on me.” I said, stuffing another handful of greasy food in my face. It was working wonders to stave off the headache and my roiling stomach. 

“Seriously though, this kid hurts you, I’ll skin him myself.” I rolled my eyes. “I mean it! You’re like a daughter to me.” The comment hit me hard and I stared at him for a moment, he seemed to realize he hit a nerve and he moved to apologize. 

“Have I ever told you about my dad?” He shook his head no, and I nodded, hopping down from my chair to go to my bedroom, returning with a framed picture of my dad. “He was border patrol.” I said, handing him the picture. “That’s why we lived in Bangor.” Derek took the picture, then looked between him and me, we were startlingly similar. 

“Was?” He asked, setting the picture down carefully. 

“He was killed a few years ago, when I was 16,” He offered his condolences quietly. “Thank you, he was shot by a few poachers, trying to cross back into the states with a Moose they had killed in Canada. Now, normally, you can do this, so long as you have a license to hunt in Canada, and you pay taxes on the meat and then tariffs and all that.” I waved it off, it wasn’t really that important. 

“Dad was a good guy, he wanted to do something good for the country, even spoke up when he saw other guys mistreating immigrants, that’s kind of the reason that he died.” I shifted in my seat. “He got shot, and he called for help on the radio, but… well, everyone ignored the 10-999. When he was found by some hikers, he had already been MIA for about 36 hours? The cold had kept him preserved.” I was choking up at this point, and Derek was sitting in solemn silence. “Uhm.” I cleared my throat. “They never found the guys that killed him… but cameras caught it all happening, that's why we know what happened. I don’t know what I would do if we didn’t even have that bit of closure.” I cleared my throat again, using cleaning up my food as an excuse to turn away from him. 

“(Y/n), I.. I have no words for that… at all.” I nodded, turning back to him and forcing myself to look happy. “That’s why you froze when you saw my gun.” He said quietly, and I paused, hugging myself as I nodded. “Thank you,” I looked at him, confused. “For trusting me enough to tell me that.” I smiled sadly. 

“Thank you for making me feel _safe_ enough to tell you that.” I emphasized, falling into his waiting arms as he hugged me tightly. I felt him kiss the top of my head, and he sighed, holding me tighter before I pulled away and he grabbed his tools from the floor, and the 2x4 he had cut to patch up the hold until I could get my landlord to replace the door. 

He set to work, and I cleaned up our lunch, a silence of mutual respect and understanding filling my apartment, only to be broken by Derek’s drill, and my quiet music playing from the kitchen.


	11. Whispers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Y/n) and Spencer both have a bad day, and know that only one person is going to help them get over it. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kg7SBsTydo0

The heat wave finally broke that Monday night and on Tuesday as the city sighed a collective breath of relief, I worked yet again at the coffee shop, this time working on my barista skills. I had just pulled my first shot when a familiar, and none too welcomed face appeared at the cash. 

Kieth took a few seconds to recognize me, but when he did we gave each other a mutual look of scathing hatred. He hated me for the same reason I hated him. He hated me because I made him look weak in front of Spencer and Jennie, and I hated him because of how he treated Jennie. We had somehow gotten him whitelisted from the club and suspended from working. It wasn’t a permanent fix, but at least he wasn’t allowed in if either Jennie or Spencer was working. It was a small step, but it was worth it. 

“Kieth.” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. Unsurprisingly, he wore exactly the same thing he did at the club in public, black pants, a black leather vest over a white shirt, and a black safari cap made of faux leather. His white hair was down to his shoulders and his beard was unkempt despite the obvious fact that he had enough money to afford real snakeskin boots. He was really fitting into the slimy character archetype wasn’t he?

“Oh, you’re Spencer’s bitch aren’t you?” The comment hit me like a ton of bricks in the chest. Ex-fucking-cuse me? My jaw went slack as I glared at him. I knew he was an asshole, but I didn’t think he’d dare in public. My manager must not have heard him because he continued to wipe down the counters behind me. 

“I’m not Spencer’s anything, and I am certainly not his bitch.” I seethed, bracing my hands on the wood of the counter staring him down. 

“His pay by the hour whore then. I don’t give a shit, just do your job and get me my coffee.” I hated how much his words hurt, but the tears threatened to spill if I didn’t control them. I forced myself to hold them in, filling his order and then handing it to him. He blew me a kiss and I wanted to be sick as he left the cafe. 

The second he was gone, I let out a forced breath, and from the look a woman was giving me from across the bar, she had heard the whole exchange and was staring in shock. “Honey, are you okay?” She asked, reaching her hand towards me. I forced myself to stare at the ground, trying to convince myself not to cry even as the first tears fell over my cheeks. “Excuse me, sir? Are you really going to let a customer speak to your staff like that?” She called, forcing my manager to turn and give her a customer service smile. 

“Ma’am, unfortunately, I can’t control what patrons say to my staff. He’s gone, and if he returns we can make sure that this doesn’t happen again.” So he did hear what he said, and chose to do nothing. Right. At this point, a man from the bar also chimed in. 

“Dude, are you fucking serious? Did you even hear what he said? That was disgusting!” 

A woman joined the cacophony of sound and called from her table. “It shouldn’t have been said in the first place! That’s not only rude but bordering on sexual harassment.” I was starting to get upset and my heart was pounding. I didn’t want to cause such a scene, that was the whole point of just letting him say it and get him the fuck out. 

“Well none of you said anything!” Came Darren’s brilliant reply, which stuck the last nail in the coffin for me. I turned to him at that, staring him down angrily as I untied my apron, balled it up, and tossed it in his chest. 

“You know what Darren. Suck my dick and choke on it. How’s that for saying something?” I seethed, my voice breaking as I reached my hand into the tip jar and scanned my card to clock out, shoving a wad of bills into my pocket. I have never stormed out of a job before, but from the cries of anger from the patrons at Darren’s actions, I have never felt more justified. 

It took a few blocks of angry walking before I calmed down enough to take a breath, holding myself as I did. So I just quit, or got fired… from the only job that was keeping a roof over my head at the moment. The Red Lounge was great filler money, but it wasn’t enough to support me. I paused, leaning my back against the warm brick of a building and looked around, hoping that it would be like the movies and there would be an old book store with a “Help Wanted” Sign in the window. No such luck, of course, and all I was left with was the sinking feeling that I had just made a huge mistake. 

I pulled out my phone, typing into our group chat before I could make myself cry again by spiraling down a dark hole. 

**Me**   
_Anyone have a job that’s hiring?_

**Grace**   
_Whoa, what the fuck?_

**Angel :0**   
_Omg, girly did you get fired?_

**Me**  
 _I kind of just stormed out of my day job._

Even typing the sentence was making me upset, and I tilted my head back to stop the tears, no doubt my makeup was already a mess. 

**Jennie <3 **   
_Are you okay???_

**Jennie <3 **   
_What happened??_

**Me**   
_Keith happened._

I saw all their names come up at once as they all started typing at the same time. 

**Grace**   
_Fuck outta here._

**Angel :0**   
_Wait what._

**Jennie <3 **   
_How did he even find you?_

**Grace**   
_More importantly, what was he doing in the city? He lives in fucking Baltimore, he only works at RL because he doesn’t want to Dom in his own city._

**Jennie <3 **   
_Hold on, you’re telling me that he just showed up at your work? OMFG is he stalking us?_

My blood went cold. I realized with a sick feeling that I had posted a picture of a latte I made a few days ago on my instagram, which wasn’t private. My heart dropped and I told the girls as such. They all replied with frantically putting their accounts on private. I had kept walking by this point, finding my little book store and ordering a tea to calm my nerves. The waitress brought me a cookie, explaining that it was on the house. With a sympathetic smile, she handed me a makeup wipe, and I sheepishly took it from her, just deciding to take the whole mess off. Jennie had texted us saying that she had warned the other girls that Keith was being majorly creepy, and like that, we all banded together to take this fucker down. 

Just as we were debating where to hand his manhood once one of the other girls, Shelly, castrated him, my phone buzzed and lit up with Spencer’s name. I guess he didn’t like to text if he could call. 

“Hey.” I said, thankful that my voice had calmed down enough that he couldn’t hear the pain in it. 

_“Hey.”_ He echoed, the sound of a plane starting in the background. _“I just wanted to call you, uhm.. Not sure why, really.”_ He sounded upset, I sat up in my seat. 

“Everything okay?” I said quietly. “You sound upset.” I heard him clear his throat and sigh. 

_“Yea, just… a rough day. Listen, uhm.. We… we are flying back now. We are landing around 2 am-”_

“Okay, I’ll wait up for you.” I said without thinking, and there was silence on the phone. I checked my watch, it was just past 4 pm now. 

_“No, no don’t do that, by the time I get back to the city its going to be well into 3 am.”_ I sighed, he sounded so tired. 

“Spencer, call me when you land, I’ll be awake.”I promised. I know how lonely it can be when you have a day like that, hell, I was having a bad day myself, and I knew I wasn’t going to sleep. He was quiet a few moments. “Spencer?” 

_“Okay.”_ He sounded farther away, but relieved. _“I’ll call you when I’m home.”_ I smiled, there was an announcement over the PA, telling them to strap in. _“I uh.. I gotta go.”_

“I know. I’ll talk to you later tonight.” He said his goodbyes and I hung up the phone. My chest felt significantly lighter, and it was mostly just from talking to him. I felt like I wasn’t alone, or that my life maybe wasn’t so hectic, because I had someone else to withstand the storm with too. Our own, completely different storms, but storms nonetheless. The sound of a truck pulling up caught my attention, and I felt my heart skip when I saw Derek looking half way furious and concerned. 

“(Y/n)?” He parked the car and jumped out, coming to stand in front of me, extending his hand in exasperation before letting them fall back to smack against his legs. “I went to go see if you needed a ride home and there’s cops and an ambulance parked outside, and you’re nowhere to be found. What the hell?” He said, suddenly relieved. 

I stared in shock, an ambulance? What the hell was right. “They called the cops?” I raised my eyebrows in appreciative shock. 

“Not the point here, (Y/n). Do I need to bring you down to the station?” I shook my head, gathering my stuff and leaving a 5 on the table as a tip. 

“No, you don’t, whatever that’s for was for whatever happened after I left.” I slung my bag over my shoulder. “Long story short I quit today.” I said brushing past him to help myself to his truck. He followed me, obviously having found me to offer me a ride home. 

“Does MPD respond to every job you quit? Or was this one special.” He retorted, closing his door a little harder than necessary. 

I glared at him. “I really don’t want to talk about it Derek.” I responded, turning my attention out the window. 

“Well we need to! You scared the shit out of me, I thought I was about to roll up on your beaten body!” He nearly yelled and I flinched. He sighed, regretting his words. “I’ve seen some shitty stuff (Y/n), my family, my friends, they’ve been targets before… my head went to the worst situation, I’m sorry.” When I didn’t respond he tried again. “(Y/n) I’m not your dad-”

“You’re right. You’re not.” I snapped, regretting the words instantly. I hated my temper sometimes, it got me in bad situations regularly. And my pride meant I wasn’t going to apologize either. 

“Just tell me you’re okay.” He said after letting my heavy words hang in the air. I took that as him forgiving me because I nodded, giving him a guilty smile. “Okay.” He said, ending the conversation. We drove mostly in silence, and only when we were about 15 minutes from my house did I speak. 

“Uhm.. this guy… he.. He called me a slut, and whore.. And my manager did nothing about it, so some customers called him out and I quit.” I said quietly, still kind of ashamed of what had happened despite it not being my fault at all. 

Derek looked between me and the road, his face a mix of anger, sadness, and offence on my behalf. “Are you serious?” I nodded, pulling my feet up on the seat and resting my chin on my knees. “Jesus, (Y/n). You can’t catch a break can you?” I smirked, laughing slightly before I shook my head. 

“Welcome to the city right?” I turned my head to look at him and he gave me a look of proud amazement. 

“How do you do that? Bounce back like nothing happened?” I shrugged.

“Well, I didn’t, I stormed out and probably stole like 20 bucks in tips, then I walked for like two miles sobbing my eyes out on a DC street corner. But, then, you have to just get the fuck over it because crying won’t fix anything.” The words were true, but it didn’t stop the bitter taste in my mouth. Derek didn’t say anything as he parked on the street outside my house. 

“Kid, listen.” He said as I collected my things and prepared to leave the truck. I glanced up at him through my hair, concerned. “Your dad would be proud of you, you know. For all you’ve done and who you are.” I highly doubt that. “If you were my kid, damn. I’d never be able to keep up.” I smiled a half smile.

“Hank’s got a great dad.” Was my only response, and we looked at each other in mutual understanding of words unsaid. I watched him pull away from behind the first door of the town house, and I climbed the stairs thinking about what he said. 

I don’t doubt that my dad would be proud of me, he always said he was, and my dad was a good guy, but, he was a cop. A border patrol cop sure, but a cop nonetheless, he had his bad days, and those days got really bad sometimes. He saw things he’d rather forget, and sometimes he brought that home with him. There were also things he didn’t agree with, that I did, and we went toe to toe a lot more often than I would have liked to think about. 

The day he went missing we fought about something stupid, I couldn’t even remember at this point, it was so long ago, but I remember the last words I said to him: “I bet you would love it if I just walked off into the woods and died wouldn’t you, that would solve all your issues wouldn’t it?!” I blinked away the words, they were harsh, and we both knew it. But I was 16, I had no idea that that would be the last thing I said to my dad.

I knew he came in that night to kiss me goodbye before he left, I still remembered the feeling of his lips on my forehead, on my temple. I was awake. I should have said something, why didn’t I say something? Fuck.

I pulled out a bottle of Red Wine from my cabinet and popped open the cork, not bothering with a glass as I sat on the couch. Daisy came over to me, watching me carefully as I brought the rim to my mouth. She whined, laying down and placing her head on her paws. I glanced over at her bowl, it was full, and my downstairs neighbor offered to take her on his run today, so I knew she had gone out recently. It occurred to me then, that she was concerned for me. 

I felt instantly guilty and sighed, patting the couch, inviting her up with me. She jumped at the chance, turning in circles a few times before she settled, her head on my legs.I scratched her ear a few times, then turned on the TV, switching it to a Netflix cooking show and settled in, making sure the ringer on my phone was on so that in case I fell asleep, I would still hear Spencer call. 

*~*~*  
My phone beeping loudly at 2 am made me jump awake, the bottle of wine empty at my feet. I swore, hating how I had drank the whole bottle before I fell asleep, how pathetic. I wiped my face furiously, searching for my phone with my free hand and swiping it open. “Hey,Spencer.” I said, putting effort into not sounding tired at all. 

_“Wow, I honestly wasn’t expecting you to answer.”_ I wanted to snap at him and ask why he called then, but I pushed it down, my residual grief filled anger was not directed at him. 

“Here I am.” I said, feeling myself developing a better mood already. “How was your flight? You’re home earlier than you thought huh?” 

_“Yea, we caught some back wind and landed about 30 minutes ago. I’m.. I’m in my car now.”_ God, a car ride sounded great right now. _”How was your day?”_ he was desperate for normal conversation, and I realized that I was too. 

“Fine.” I lied. “Turns out my boss is a total ass though.” I added, shifting my feet on my couch, dropping them to the floor and starting to pace my apartment. I heard Spencer laugh. 

_”Oh? Why’s that.”_ I didn’t want to tell him about Keith, no doubt it would make his already obviously shitty day even worse. I substituted it with a bunch of stories of him just being a shitty manager in general. I had him laughing by the end of it, and I decided I loved the sound. 

We were quiet for a moment, and I heard him put the car in park, stammering slightly as he sighed. He didn’t need to say anything though, I was already walking down the stairs, pulling my cardigan around my shoulders as I stepped out into the cool early morning air, seeing his yellow bug idling beside the curb. 

I don’t know how I knew that he was coming to me, maybe it was intuition. And I don’t think he realized he was pulling up to my apartment until he put it in park and saw me standing outside his door, waiting for permission from him to get in the car, not wanting to intrude if he regretted his subconscious decision and didn’t want me with him. He rolled down the window, watching me carefully for a moment before he let out a breath.

“Hi.” I said quietly, not wanting to break the silence of the moment. He must be able to see from my puffy, red eyes that I was crying, because his face fell in slight concern. When I reached for the handle, though, the look changed and it was softer, broken hearts recognized each other I guess. 

“Hi.” He repeated, watching me as I slid into my seat, pulling my sweater fully on. He put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb, heading in a random direction. We had no destination in mind, we just drove. Mostly in silence, letting the night air and sounds come through the open windows. It was the most peaceful I had felt in so long. We didn’t need to speak, we just... were. Together. He was working through things I’ll never understand, and so was I, but sometimes you needed another body to just make sure you had a tether to this reality, to make sure you weren’t completely lost in your mind. 

When Spencer pulled into a gas station to fill up somewhere in Georgetown, I opened my door and shuffled inside the 24 hour convenience store. I could feel him watching me from outside the store, and once again, I felt like I was invincible, like nothing and no one could touch me while he was around. It was intoxicating. Absently, I grabbed two Moxie's from the cooler, surprised to have such a random nostalgic drink so far south, and a handful of slim jims. I grabbed a bag of M&Ms, the peanut kind, and lastly, a bag of extra sour sour patch kids and then returned to the car after paying for my goodies. Spencer was just finishing filling up the car when he saw my haul and gave me a confused look. 

“It’s my feel better food.” I defended, hugging it close to my chest. I pulled one of the drinks up and waved it in front of him. “Don’t worry I got enough to share.” I grinned when I saw his face light up and then melt in some unknown emotion as I slid back into my seat. He joined me moments later, and again, we pulled off into the night, only to turn into a park that overlooked the Potomac. We got out of the car, and Spencer produced a blanket from the back of his car, resting it on the front of his car, and he helped me up to sit on the hood. 

The sun wasn’t supposed to rise for another hour or so, so we just sat, sharing my bag of M&Ms, sour patch, and Slim Jims while I introduced him to the liquid gold that was Moxie. 

“How do you eat this? It’s pure salt.” he protested after taking a few bites of his extra long Slim Jim. 

“That’s what makes it so good!” I replied, taking a large bite of mine to prove a point. My legs were over his at this point and his hand was supporting them to keep them from slipping off, his back leaning against the windshield. 

“I’d love to see what your cholesterol levels are.” He teased, reluctantly taking another bite. I snorted, he liked it, he just didn’t want to admit it. 

“What are you a doctor?” Maybe I could suss out the Day Job of the Mysterious Spencer and win the whole pot. There was 200 in for anyone who could get him to tell them. 

“Yes, actually.” He smirked at me, and I was about to celebrate until he added on the addendum. “Unless you’re asking if I am a Medical Doctor, then no.” I deflated, crossing my arms over my chest petulantly. “Oh I’m sorry, did I make you think you won the pot?” 

It was my turn to be stunned and confused. “Wait, you know?” I asked, smacking his chest as I did. He caught my wrist in his hand, holding it not tightly, but not loosely either. 

“Of course I know.” He laughed, bringing my hand up to his lips and kissing my knuckles in an absent minded movement. Even after he brought my hand down to his lap to play with my fingers, entwining my hand in his I don’t think he realized what he had done. “They aren’t exactly secretive about it.” He laid his head back against the roof of the car, because his massive body reached that far. He sat up and looked at me after a beat. “What did you guess?” 

I shook my head, not wanting to admit it, it sounded so silly now, but if I was right I was in dangerous territory. “Hitman.” I said quietly, not looking at him. 

“What?” He said, actually delighted by my answer. 

“Hitman!” I said a little louder, only laughing when he started to. “Okay, now you got to tell me.” I insisted, tipping back the last of my drink. 

“Nuh Uhn, don’t think I don’t know about the $200 prize for getting me to tell you.” I scoffed, sitting up fully and pulling my legs off him to kneel on the hood of the car, acutely aware of the sound of metal bending under weight. 

“Oh come on! Please?” I pouted, giving him my best puppy dog eyes. He just rolled his eyes and shook his head, bringing his hands behind his head in a relaxed gesture, just to show how unaffected he was of me. 

“Oh no, I don’t think so. You’re gonna have to figure it out on your own, now that I know you have a bet in.” He added, winking at me when he saw my face fall into an annoyed grimace. It was then that I decided to play dirty, and I climbed into his lap, straddling over his hips, and bracing my hands on the roof of the car above him. 

His hands instantly shot out to steady me over him, his face losing some of it’s mirth for a serious look. I smirked, settling comfortably on his thighs innocently sitting back on my heels. “Why won’t you tell me?” I pouted, crossing my hands over my chest once I was sure I wasn’t going to fall. 

“Because, I told you that I like my privacy.” He replied seriously, and I actually felt that maybe I had crossed a line. His hand on my hip drifted back as he sat up, encroaching on my space as he stared deep into my eyes. “Am I going to have to bend you over my knee to make you learn not to pry?” I bit my lip, pushing him back with a firm hand on his shoulder. He let out a huff as he collided with the glass. 

“Wouldn’t be the first time.” I retorted, a devilish look in my eyes. His eyes narrowed in response and his tongue darted out to wet his lips. I took the opportunity to stretch my arms over my head, twisting my body over him in a barely excusable show as I yawned. “But I’m pretty confident you’re all talk.” I replied, shrugging as I expertly swung off him and down to the ground, surprising myself with my agility. I walked away from him in favour of watching the first rays of light start to turn the sky grey. I heard him moving behind me as I leant my body against the trunk of a tree beside me. 

He was on me in a second, his hand braced above me on the tree. I kind of forgot how tall he was, and as my eyes drifted to the hand above me, his other hand gripped my chin and forced me to look at him. “All talk? And would you care to elaborate on that?” I stared back at him defiantly. 

“Sure.” I replied, using my hands to pull his hand off my face, before crossing my arms across my chest, not realizing the protective movement until it was too late to change it. “First of all, you propositioned me at the club my first night, and did nothing,” I made a tick on my fingers. “Second, you made a bunch of sexual comments, which I guess I can mark off as good natured teasing, but by the dilation of your pupils when it happened, I can more likely guess it wasn’t.” Another tick, and I saw his jaw tighten, his pupils blown wide as if to emphasize my point. “And lastly,” I stepped forward, pressing my body against his, and draping my arms around his neck. “I have all but thrown myself on you twice tonight, and you’ve done nothing.” I spoke this last part into his ear before stepping back and quickly ducking under his arm and away from him, heading towards the water. 

He stalled a moment, still processing what happened. I turned over my shoulder to watch him, just to see him slowly stalking towards me. I grinned widely, turning and taking off running,kicking my sandals off to give myself less of a chance of breaking an ankle, Spencer hot on my heels.


	12. Rumours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Giving in to temptation, finally. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XNYqOJmqHU

Running barefoot through grass activates some kind of instinct in my body. A nostalgic romanticised version of my childhood that always seems to mean ice cream and sun burns, long days at the pool and adventures in the woods of Maine. But the pounding of my feet was not alone on the soil, and the confident thumping of Spencer’s feet behind me were slowly catching up with me, and I felt another instinct take over as I leaned forward and started to sprint in earnest. My breath was coming in hot puffs and I had shed the light cardigan I had been wearing leaving me in just my sleep shorts and tank top. 

I was just about to break the tree line changing the landscape into something I was confident this city boy had no experience in when his arm circled my waist and swung me around. I yelped, bracing my hands on his arm, momentum tossing us forward, and he rolled, landing on his back before flipping and kneeling over me, his knees on either side of my hips his hands braced above me. I stared up at him in shock.   
Mentally, I made a note to tell Grace that there was no way in hell this guy was a stock broker. We were both panting, and there was a wild look on Spencer’s face, like there was another instinct activated in him too. I licked my lips and his eyes followed the movement, only breaking away from it when I spoke in between gulps of air. “Any chance you speak Arabic?” I panted, laughing awkwardly when his eyes met mine in a serious expression, before his face twisted in confusion. 

“What?” He replied, only barely out of breath. 

“Nothing.” I replied, attempting to sit up, but his hand was on my shoulder pushing me back to the ground with a shove. I let out an ‘oof’ of air, glaring up to him, but then shrinking under the unrelenting look he gave me, his eyes hard and searching. 

“You wanna tell me what that little stunt was?” He demanded, forcing my hands away from my chest where I subconsciously crossed them to protect myself. I pushed against his hands, but the grips on my wrist were strong, and from this angle, I wasn’t in any position to push him off, at least, not yet. 

“Ok, so maybe not hitman,” I deflected, searching his eyes, waiting for him to shift his weight just slightly. “But, manhunter? That makes sense, but you don’t look like you could run very far.” I was rambling now, trying to distract him as I brought my feet up to lay flat on the ground. “Though I don’t doubt you have stamina, something tells me you didn’t run track in college and it was probably for good reason.” He opened his mouth to protest, and I felt it, the shift as he tried to lean over me. 

I pushed my hips up using my feet on the ground and the look of shock on his face as I threw him off balance and rolled out from under him was priceless, just for a few moments before I felt him grab my arm and pull me back as I tried to get to my feet, pulling me against his chest before wrapping me in a vice like grip, holding me to him. I gave up at that, and when he felt me stop struggling, he loosened slightly. 

I felt his breath fan hot over my neck, and since he wasn’t able to see me, I let my eyes slip closed at the feeling. “I’m getting really tired of you testing me.” He growled lowly in my ear and I smirked. 

“No you’re not.” I challenged with a slight laugh, and instead of the smirk I expected, I felt the arm across my chest shoot up and grip my neck the same way he did at the club, and instantly I fell quiet. 

“Shut your mouth, you so much as think about speaking again and I’ll make your night hell, understood?” I nodded, and the hand across my waist shifted, thumbing the edge of my shorts, debating. He was quiet a moment, and I squirmed in his grip, both excited and nervous. “You need me to stop, say so.” I nodded again, and bit my lip. Holy shit it was happening. I was finally going to feel his hands on me… actually on me. 

His hand pulled back running his fingertips just above the elastic of the shorts, his large hand drifting over the skin exposed in the scuffle as my tank top rose up along my body. Then he traced the same path, this time his fingers dipping below the waistline of my shorts and repeated the same pattern over the elastic of my underwear. 

I was panting again, but now for a totally different reason, and the grip on my neck was more of just a weight to remind me it was there than to actually do anything. He knew I wasn’t going anywhere. Instead, I took my hands and gripped on to his forearm, my nails biting into it in anticipation. Instead of dipping below the fabric, his fingers trailed over my hip and down between my legs, where I pushed them together, instinctively refusing the contact. He stilled, waiting for me to say stop, but when I didn’t, I felt him shift and hook his feet around my ankles and pull them apart for himself. I lurched forward, and he pulled me back with the hand on my neck, pushing my head to rest on his shoulder. 

“Oh no you don’t, if you can’t handle the consequences of your words, maybe you should think before you speak.” He seethed, smirking only when I whined, my hands tightening on his arm. “Keep them open.” He ordered, and I didn’t dare try to close them again when his hand in my shorts drifted down to cup the entire front of my pubic bone in one massive hand. I squirmed, and he laughed quietly in my ear. I had already screwed my eyes shut, which was probably a bad idea considering how much more I felt everything, but I couldn’t fight the urge to close them. 

“You have been challenging me since the moment we met, and you felt that because I’m a gentleman, and because I didn’t want to scare you that you had immunity huh?” I shook my head, trying to deny what we both knew was true. Even if I wasn’t intentionally pushing his buttons, I always managed to get under his skin. His hand moved then, and I felt him starting slow agonizing circles through the fabric of my panties, just gently coaxing blood to the area, not that there wasn’t enough there already to make my core ache at the thought that I would find some relief. 

I bucked up into his hand, and he stopped using his hand to force me still, his grip transferring to painfully grip my inner thigh. It took everything in me not to move when he resumed his slow circles and his whispers in my ears. “Each time I went home after being at the Lounge with you, I had to fuck my hand twice just to get myself to calm down.” I bit my lip, and he allowed me a singular jolt of my hips as his hand purposefully passed directly over the place where my clit was still hidden by both the hood and fabric. “What about you? Hmm? Did you only torture me, or was it torture for yourself?” He was allowing me to speak, finally. 

“Yes.” I said quietly, and I felt his hand leave me and heard the swift smack to my thigh before I felt it. I instantly knew what he wanted. “Sir!” I added hastily, with an insistent squeeze to my neck I tried again. “Yes, Sir. I.. I had… I had to go b-buy a toy.” I replied honestly. I had, I had ordered one off line because I didn’t want to be seen in town either in the store or with the bag. I had nearly died when my landlord said she had signed for a package for me, and she asked me if I wanted her to open it to make sure it wasn’t dangerous. I had immediately said no- Another swift smack to my leg. 

“Excuse me. Focus.” He demanded, his voice in that singsong tone that teachers used that always pissed me off. “So instead of trying to get the real thing, you went and bought a cheap knock-off?” 

“I.. I didn’t know if.. I thought you…” I couldn’t formulate the thought, his hand hand pushed aside the fabric of my underwear when I wasn’t paying attention and now was continuing its languid slow movements this time directly on my sex. The motions were bringing a slow fire to my core, and I gripped his arm tighter, feeling calluses on his hands catch on sensitive flesh every few moments. His hand on my neck tightened ever so slightly as he repeated his last command, this time said breathily into my ear. I could feel him growing hard behind me, and a blush rose on my cheeks when I remembered we were really only hidden by a bush and the pre-dawn light of the park. 

“So you assumed what I was thinking.” He said cooly. And I nodded, unable to formulate words as I felt him dip his fingers down and circle my entrance once before returning to the precise movements around my clit. “How dare you think you know what or who I want.” I felt shame rip through me at that, and I breathed out a quiet ‘I’m sorry, Sir’ into the morning air. “I don’t believe you. Show me how sorry you are.” And like that, both his hands left me at once and I was left breathing heavily. 

I opened my eyes, looking around, and waiting, the heat from his hand on my neck was gone, no longer able to distract me from the pain in my chest where my nipples were straining against the semi-tight fabric of the tank top I was wearing. I faltered for a moment, not really knowing what to do, until I remembered the incessant poking at my back. I turned in an instant. My eyes connecting with his piercing ones as he watched me carefully. 

I reached for his belt, then stopped, taking a shuddering breath as I glanced up to him through my eyelashes. “May I, Sir?” I asked demurely, and my heart fluttered as I saw him smirk and felt his hand tangle in the back of my hair, collecting it in a mop at the base of my skull and tightening his grip. 

“Oh she doesn learn fast. Yes, you may, good girl. Maybe I won’t be so mean with you tonight.” _Tonight_. The silent affirmation that he intended to do this again made my core ignite more at the promise that this wasn’t just a one time fluke. I didn't let myself think about it too much, reaching forward and pulling the tail of his belt out from the loops and then fed it through the buckle. 

It was then that my nerves came out in full force and my hands began to shake. I was about to fuck this guy that I hadn’t even kissed yet, hell, I didn’t even know his last name.When I fumbled for the second time to get the button to free he took pity on me, his free hand gripping both my wrists in his and releasing his grip on my hair, brushing his hand down my back instead. “Hey.” I didn’t meet his eyes for a few seconds, but then I did when he called my name quietly. “You don’t have to do this.” 

“I want to.” I insisted. “I just.. I haven’t… we haven’t..” He seemed to read my mine because both his hands to cup my face, resting his forehead on mine. 

“Well why didn’t you just say so?” He teased, causing me to roll my eyes and smile just as out lips touched for the first time. 

For a moment, everything seemed so completely right with the world. I never believed my mother when she told me that when you meet the right person, at the right time, when you kiss for the first time, you feel like everything in your life led up to that one moment, all the pain, all the hurt, all of it, makes sense for just one moment. 

I fisted my hands in his shirt, and felt his drift back into my hair. It was a desperate move on both of our parts, trying to cling to the feeling both of us no doubt felt blooming in our chests. He pulled away, just for a moment to breathe, before one hand drifted down to my rear and lifted me slightly to straddle his waist before that arm came to bar around my back, holding me tightly to him. Despite the sexual nature of the last 20 minutes, this felt different, like he was trying to occupy the same space as me, and even if that impossible task was accomplished, it wouldn’t be enough.

There was a woman once, who visited my town, asking my mother if she could only spend the night before she returned to Canada in the morning. My mother agreed, and just before we went to bed, she told us a story about when the universe was created, souls that normally occupied the same body were torn apart and strewn through the stars, and for the rest of our lives, we desperately tried to find one another again. When my arms wrapped around his neck, my hands fisting in his hair the same way his fisted in mine, I knew that I had found mine. It was such a short time, such a short period of being in each other’s lives, but we just knew, right then and there, that this person was home.

He broke away the kiss fully this time, both of us panting in the same space. I don’t know who moved first, but I was divest of my shorts and underwear, and his pants were open and his member was between us. I wrapped my hand around him, pumping a few times before he took over, his hand pulling both of mine behind my back and holding them there as the other slipped between his lips to wet his fingers, the hand then drifting between us and gathering some of the slick dripping from my lips. I groaned at the contact and that set something off in him, because his eyes went hard. He pumped himself a few times with the mess of liquid on his hand before he pulled me up and pushed me down onto him. 

The slight burn from the intrusion after so long of not having a real human in me lasted on a few seconds until it was replaced by the burn of need and I rocked my hips a few times to get comfortable. Spencer set off on a brutal pace like that, the pornographic sound of skin hitting skin started to join the sounds of birds just waking up and the horns of ships as they passed into the harbours miles away. 

I felt a particularly hard thrust painfully deep inside me, screaming out as it was quickly replaced by pleasure as the tip of him inside me brushed over the bundle of nerves within me. He did it again, and I couldn’t keep my voice down as I yelled. “Fuck!” I cried, dropping my head to his shoulder. The hand on my wrists was replaced by his free hand, and I felt his right hand grip my hair, pulling me back to face him. My eyes were hooded and I tried to force them to open as he stared at me. 

“Watch your fucking mouth.” He seethed and I smirked, a sex filled gesture that only seemed to make him tighten his grips on my body.

“Make me.” I teased, catching my tongue between my teeth and grinning down at him, his hips still pistoning below me at a brutal pace. It was hard to keep the defiant look as my eyes tried to roll back a few times. I sucked in a breath, ordering my body to obey as I held his gaze. He wasn’t going to win that easily.

I saw his nostrils flare and his eyes grow impossibly darker. “Shut up and come.” He ordered, just as his hand in my hair dropped to my clit and instead of circling around it like he had been doing before, leading me to think that maybe he didn’t know where it was, he zeroed in on it, rubbing back and forth directly over the sensitive area and I saw stars, unable to keep my eyes from rolling back as my jaw dropped in a silent scream. I heard him groaning, his breath coming out in tandem with his thrusts which weren’t slowing down at all despite the fact that I felt my hips stuttering over him, the only sign of my impending orgasm. 

“Spencer-” I finally managed to say, but it was garbled by what I hoped was only the feeling of spit as my hands tried desperately to cling to his shirt, his tie, something. 

“I said shut up, and come.” He replied not to kindly, delivering one final thrust before the chord inside me snapped and I fell over the edge, pushing my face into his shoulder to muffle the scream that finally was able to leave me. He groaned again, the tightening of my walls adding more resistance to his thrusts until he wasn’t able to hold back any more, and he pulled me off of him, setting me down as gently as he could, tilting his hips away from me and into the bush as he came in his own hands. I watched him from my place on the ground, mesmerized as he watched me twitch and spasm with aftershocks as his own high slowly came to a finish with a loud groan. 

Spencer wiped his hand on the grass, before tucking himself away, wincing only for a moment at the hyper sensitivity of what I now could see was a painfully red case of blue balls. “Fuck!” He echoed, his back hitting the ground beside me with a loud thump, causing me to laugh. He ran a hand through his hair before giving me a look. 

I tried my best to do an impression of him, setting my face in a mean line. “Watch your fucking mouth.” Even after being fucking like an animal in a park I couldn’t help but taunt him. He shook his head, an incredulous smile on his face, he took a few more breaths before he sat up, gathering my shorts from where they had been discarded on the ground. I sat up to put them on myself, but he was already feeding my feet through the holes and sliding them up my legs. I caught his eye as he brought them up to my hips, and I lifted my bum to allow him to slide them back into place. He smirked as he grabbed the panties and I realized that the reason I didn’t feel them come off was because he had ripped them. “You bastard, do you know how much women’s underwear costs?” He glanced at the ruined pair in his hand and shrugged. 

“A pair like this? $30, taxes included.” He said cheekily, and I just snatched the lace from him tossing it into the woods. When he gave me a shocked look I shrugged. 

“Let some lucky teenage boys find them, they’re of no use to me now.” I replied, brushing grass off my legs and back as Spencer helped me to my feet. Once I was stable, he pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me and bringing me in to kiss him. The magic was no less there this time, but it felt much more calm, and this was a chaste version. I looked up to him, my eyes large and doe-like. I couldn’t believe I felt so much for him in such a short time. It wasn’t love, that would take so long to form, but this was safety, something I never truly felt with Aiden, and even if I did, we _Never_ had sex like that… like… ever. I think I could count on one hand the amount of time Aiden made me come, and easily three times that for how many times I needed to sneak into the bathroom to take care of myself. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, ignoring my previous statement. I nodded, cupping my hand on his face, reveling in the way he leaned into it. 

“I’m more than okay.” I replied, grinning widely as I had to go up on my tip toes to kiss him again. “I’m glad you finally had the guts to take what you wanted.” 

He rolled his eyes. “Fucking you in a park was not how I intended to spend our first time together, but it was definitely on the list.” He teased, chasing my lips as I returned to flat foot. “And you definitely helped me let off some steam.” I smiled, already noticing his shoulders relaxing under the dress shirt he was wearing. 

“And how did you imagine our first time together?” I cooed, wrapping my arms around his neck, leaning my body into him. 

“Well, there was a bed first of all.” I nodded, adding a ‘sounds fair’ as he laughed, kissing my nose, neither of us could stop touching the other. “And, there was a dinner involved, and fireworks.” I gasped dramatically. 

“Spencer!” I placed a hand on my chest as if offended. “Were you going to try to get me in bed after the fire works tonight?” I cried, scandalously. 

“Would you have said yes?” He asked, actually nervous. I sighed, laying my head against his chest to hear his heart beating wildly, but steadily under my ear. 

“What do you think?” That was all he needed as an answer, and I felt him rest his chin on my head, holding me tightly. 

We pulled away a few moments later and Spencer slid his hand down my arms to reach mine, taking it tightly as we turned to walk back to the car, the sky a fire red as the sun finally made its way over the horizon. As we walked, I scooped up my cardigan and draped it over my arm. When we returned to the tree, Spencer kept walking to the car to clean up the snacks and blanket from the hood of the car, stowing them away in the trunk as I slipped on my sandals. 

He held my door open for me as I walked around the car, but he snatched my arm and turned me, pressing me against the side of the door to attack my lips again for just a moment, smirking as I whined when he pulled away. I pouted, but obediently sat back in my seat, tossing my cardigan in the back seat, the air heating up now that the sun was rising. 

Spencer slipped into the seat beside me and then started the car, pulling out of the parking spot and exiting the lot just as two park rangers drove by in their patrol car. I slid down in my seat, hiding my face as it went bright red at how lucky we were we hadn’t just been caught. Spencer just waved to them politely, snickering at my pain as he did. He continued to laugh an exhilarated laugh as we drove away, only stopping when I whined and smack his arm. 

“It isn’t funny! Are you kidding me. The last thing I need on my record is a public indecency charge!”

“Don’t worry, I could have gotten us out of it.” I glanced to him, both concerned and confused. He just gave me a side eye. “I have connections.” my mouth dropped open, suddenly my guess switched to mob boss. He must have seen the gears turning in my head because he smiled, huffing a laugh and landing a heavy hand on my leg. I hissed and looked down, staring in shock at the purple/red bruise forming in the distinct shape of a hand on my inner left thigh. I glared at him, and he just smirked. 

“Seriously?” I dead panned, motioning to it. 

Spencer just shrugged. “Maybe you should have behaved then.” He replied huskily, and I felt myself take a stuttering breath, my witty comment dying on my tongue. Instead, I crossed my arms over my chest angrily and stared out the window, pouting like a child. 

As we drove back to the suburbs, we were quiet. My hand found his on my thigh, and he held it as he drove, rubbing calming circles over the knuckles. At a stop light, he had drifted his hand over the mark, asking me if it truly did hurt. I shook my head, assuring him it just stung when he hit it. He nodded, letting his warm hand rest over it and I was oddly comforted by the just this side of painful burning it created. 

By the time we reached the pale pink townhome I called home, we were both exhausted, and I could already tell he was desperate to sleep. “Do you… maybe you should come in, I don’t feel comfortable letting you drive.” I said, just as tiredly. He nodded, not really willing to argue as he pulled into my driveway, parking in the spot meant for my apartment. We both climbed out and slugged our way to the door, and up the stairs. We both paused at the top and I pulled out my keys and fumbled with them until I found my front door keys. 

I felt a heavy weight on my shoulder, and two arms wrapped around my middle and I smiled gently. We half walked half waddled into my apartment, and Daisy instantly was alert to the new smells, pushing herself between Spencer and I. He let me go at that, letting her check him over, even raising his hands and turning for her. I couldn’t help but smile when he turned back to face me and caught my eye. His face softened, and my face fell into a tired half smile. 

I clipped Daisy’s leash to her collar, telling him I’d be right back before I hurried down the stairs. Daisy, seeming to feel my urgency, went quickly and just as quickly returned to the apartment, where I found Spencer looking at my book case, his eyes scanning over the covers of both my fiction books and the textbooks I had insisted on keeping after I graduated. I didn’t say anything, just filled her bowls before I returned to his side, wrapping my arms around his waist. 

He lifted one arm, letting me in, as he reached for a framed picture of my family, or what was left of it, at my graduation. I smiled at the memory. “You seem so happy.” He said tiredly, and I nodded, burying my face in his chest, my eyes not wanting to make the effort of staying open. “Did you lock the door?” I nodded. “Okay, come on, let’s go to bed.” Again, I nodded, pulling myself away from him and extending my hand as I walked away from him. His hand caught mine and I pulled him with me to my bedroom.

He followed quietly, letting me lead him through the apartment and through my space. When we entered my room, I tossed my cardigan into the hamper and pointed to the bathroom, excusing myself silently. When I returned, he had stripped down to his boxers and was sitting on the end of the bed, waiting for my permission to enter it. 

Which I gave by climbing onto my side and rolling down the covers for him. He accepted gratefully and faced me, one hand extending out to brush hair off my face. My heart warmed at the domesticality of it all, and he moved, pressing a kiss to my forehead. He pulled me into his chest, and I curled against him, resting my head in the crook of his arm. If I thought my sleep before was good, this was undeniably the safest and most comfortable I had felt in so long, nothing could touch me here, and I wouldn’t let anything touch him either.


	13. There's No Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do we fall in love? One moment at a time, or all at once?
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MZ8guTxcFU

Waking up engulfed in someone’s arms was a foreign feeling to me, Aiden and I shared a bed often, and only rarely did I wake up in his arms, or with him still in the bed. I froze for a moment, trying to get my bearings, and when I glanced at the clock it was just past 1pm. Daisy was laying beside my bed, her large head tilting this way and that as she looked at me. My eyes traced down to the arm around my waist and then over my shoulder to see Spencer’s face buried in my shoulder, partially covered by my hair, his right arm crooked around me and poking out under my pillow. 

I smiled, shifting back into his embrace, which tightened at the movement and he breathed in deeply behind me, slowly returning to the waking world. I felt his lips brush against my shoulder and I turned in his arms, placing my hands on his chest as his eyes half opened, a sleepy smile on his face. “Hi.” He said quietly, and I responded by kissing his nose. 

“Hi.” I echoed, tracing my hands back over his shoulders and around his neck. “How did you sleep?” 

He smiled, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. “Better than I have in months.” He replied honestly and I preened under the compliment. 

“Me too.” I replied, resting my head on his shoulder. “You must have had a hard day, you were out like a light.” He huffed a laugh, closing his eyes again as he rested his forehead on mine. 

“You have no idea.” He said against my skin and I furrowed my brow, tilting my head back. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He sighed, taking a moment before he pulled his head back to look me in the eye, one of his hands coming to cup my face. 

“No, not really.” I nodded in understanding, tucking my head against his chest again, my eyes wanting to close to sleep again. “We should get up.” He said after a moment and I groaned in protest. “Come on, I think we both need a shower.”

“Is that you telling me I stink?” I retorted, not looking up from where I had started gently kissing his skin. 

“No, that’s me telling you I see grass in your hair.” My hand shot up to pull it out of my hair but he snatched my wrist out of the air and laughed. “Don’t make me drag you out.” His voice shifted into a lower octave and I groaned again, this time for an entirely other reason. “I’m not asking again.” He said dangerously and I sighed loudly. 

“Ugh, fine!” I rolled away from him tossing my sheets away from my body, sitting on the edge of the bed and extending my hands up over my head as I stretched, looking out the slats in the window as I did. “I’m going to take Daisy out for a quick walk, why don’t you shower first.” I offered, reaching for a sweater to wear instead of grabbing a bra. It may be hot outside, but I didn’t really feel like struggling with a bra yet. 

I heard him shift on the bed and turned to watch him sit up and rub his face with his hands a few times. I noticed a scar on his shoulder, where his neck met the curve of his back. I traced over his back and noticed other scars, like a white one on his thigh, and another on his arm. I furrowed my brow, and then caught his eyes in the mirror on my wall. He was watching me. I smiled softly, acting as if I didn’t see them. If he wanted to tell me about them, then he would. “Turn the handle all the way to the right and then pull it out, there’s a little knob you need to switch over to get a shower.” I said as I stood, slipping my feet into a pair of flip flops before expertly tying my hair up and striding out of my room, snatching Daisy’s leash as I did. She hopped up from her place by the bed and trotted after me.

Once I was outside, I immediately called Jennie who answered after the second ring, must be her day off. _“Hey Gorgeous! How are you doing? You okay?”_ I didn’t even bother to answer, instead I spilled out my heart telling her everything that had transpired the night before. She was stunned into silence for a while, and right when I considered hanging up she screamed into the phone so loud I had to pull the phone away from my face. _“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU SERIOUS!? YOU GUYS FUCKING IN A PARK!? FUCK OUTTA HERE.”_

“That’s what you took from this? Really? Not the fact that he is currently showering in my apartment?” My voice raised at the end and I heard her snort. 

_”You’re focused on the wrong thing. Enjoy it! You guys are going on a date tonight right?”_ I had half a mind to protest, but she knew I was about to correct her so she didn’t give me the chance. _“You’re going out tonight, have fun, and see where things go, don’t force anything! He’s made it pretty obvious that he’s into you, now see if he’s _into_ you.”_

“What if he isn’t?” I said nervously, insecurities rising in me at the thought. 

_“He is, trust me. Have fun tonight, you deserve it.”_ She said her goodbyes and I dropped my phone in the pocket of my sweater, letting Daisy climb the stairs to the apartment while I grabbed a packaged on the step with my name on it. As I opened it, using my foot to open the door I heard Spencer puttering around the kitchen and I could smell eggs cooking. I glanced up, and stopped cold when I saw the wine bottle up on the counter, and my blanket on the couch folded, neither of which moved by me. 

“I don’t know how you like you’re eggs, so I just made scrambled, hope that’s okay.” He said, not looking at me over his shoulder. I unclipped Daisy, watching him suspiciously. 

“Yea.. that’s fine..” I said carefully, dropping the package on my table as I approached him. “Did… did you clean?” I asked, glancing primarily at the wine bottle. 

“No, I just grabbed the bottle and folded the blanket, your apartment is remarkably clean for a woman your age.” He commented, which instantly broke my trance and my eyes snapped to his back. 

“My age? What are you implying?” I teased, grabbing the bottle and quickly tossing it into the trash. 

“Generally most mid 20 year old women tend to have a messier living space, especially if they are alone, and work minimum wage jobs.” I pushed myself up onto the counter to watch him cook, pressing a button on my coffee maker to start the water to boil. “Speaking of, I hope I didn’t make you miss work.” My heart stopped at the tone. He either knew, and was waiting for me to explain, or he didn’t know and was waiting for me to catch myself in a lie. 

“No, you didn’t.” it was a safe answer. “I don’t have work today.” Not a lie, but not exactly the truth. By the way he gave me a sideways glance, I knew he saw right through me, but he couldn’t call me on a lie, because, well, I hadn’t. 

“Anything interesting?” He said, nodding to the package. I smiled, nodding, glad the uncomfortable silence was over. 

“Just some baby books. I got the same ones I remember from when I was a kid.” I replied nostalgically. “Like The Kissing Hand, Something From Nothing, Twig…” I trailed off, sad memories of my dad reading me those books flooding me. I went quiet, looking to my feet as I relived a few of them. 

“Hey.” I didn’t notice he was in front of me until I felt his hands on my skin. “Where’d you go?” He asked quietly, and I shook my head, looking away from him. He was quiet, then his eyes drifted to the bottle, and the distinct lack of glasses in the sink. “Is this the same reason why you were crying last night?” I nodded, biting my lip to keep it from trembling. Spencer didn’t judge me though, he just wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled my head down to his shoulder with a large hand on the back of my head, curling me into him. I responded easily, gripping into the back of his shirt as I tried and failed to fight off more tears. 

I don’t know why my emotions were so raw with him, but I felt safe enough to feel them when he was around. I didn’t make any noise, just let the hot tears roll down my face as he held me, his heart beating calmly and consistently. I gripped him tighter as flash images of my father crossed my mind, and he responded in kind, nearly squeezing the life out of me until I released and he stepped back. 

No more words were spoken, instead, he stood across from me, his legs crossed at the ankles as I sat on the counter, the two of us quietly eating our brunch of eggs, toast, and coffee. Daisy decided Spencer was her new best friend when he dropped her a bit of crust. I almost wanted to take a picture to tell Derek, but decided against it, last thing I needed was him trying to get more information about Spencer AKA “Aiden”. 

After breakfast, I stepped in the shower. The tank had more than enough time to refill and heat up the water needed for my longer, more involved shower. I took my time, shaving more carefully than when I had been going to the club, used a body wash that I normally didn’t, washed my hair twice, and even applied lotion to my body. I needed a pick me up, and this was definitely helping. When my hair was dried and a light coat of makeup applied, I appeared in my living room in a comfortable pair of light wash denim shorts and a tank top. Spencer was standing at my bookshelf, his hands drifting over books, tilting them from their place to examine them up close. He had just pulled one of my political science books down when he heard me come in. 

“Not one for taking notes in the margins?” he asked, opening the book to show a page with highlighting but no notes. 

“No, not really. I like to re-read what I highlighted and then try to remember what my initial thoughts were, and see how they change over time.” He nodded, probably agreeing with me. 

“Do you read?” He smiled, laughing slightly as he responded. 

“Yea, you could say that.” He turned fully to me, his eyes looking me up and down. “You look beautiful.” I blushed, shuffling my feet as I looked away. I saw his feet enter my vision moments before I felt his hand on my neck. Not angry, or imposing, but gently forcing my face up. “I thought I told you to stop looking away when I compliment you.” He said dangerously, his dominant voice in full force. 

“I’m sorry, sir.” The words so natural on my tongue. “I’m not used to being complimented.” I replied honestly. His face fell at that, and his hand drifted back into my hair, the other on my hips. 

“Who could possibly call themselves your significant other and not shower you with compliments every time they saw you?” My heart stuttered at the words and my mouth refused to comply as I tried to explain that Aiden just wasn’t the emotional type. He was the quiet romantic type. Like when he… well… uhm.. When he…. oh. “You don’t believe me when I say it do you?” 

I shook my head, looking away in shame now. He let me, instead he stepped back, sitting himself on the back of my couch, pulling me towards him by my hands. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to sound like I’m fishing, or that I’m not gratefu-” 

“No, (Y/n), Stop. This is something I wanted to talk to you about anyway.” I felt my heart beat faster. “The things you’ve said, and the way you act concerns me sometimes.” I tilted my head in confusion. “When you told me that you had experimented with kink the first night I met you, the things you said you’ve done, no matter how ‘tame’ require a lot of trust, and then when you asked me about subspace and subdrop, well… that worries me that you have dropped before and had no one there to help you through it.” I shifted, uncomfortable with the conversation. When I had gone home and looked up more terms, I had realized that there had been many nights when I dropped and had to deal with it myself. It was painful, and still affects me to this day. 

“I don’t want you to worry about me.” I insisted, which only made him squeeze my hands and his face go serious. 

“(Y/n), you are my responsibility. Just because we aren’t in the club doesn’t mean that I can just let you deal with the emotions related to things we do alone, do you understand.” I froze, but nodded numbly. He watched me a moment then his face softened again. “Look, whatever happened in your past is of no concern of mine if you don’t want it to be, but if you want to talk about something, you can.” I nodded, wracking my brain for anything I wanted to tell him, but I didn’t find anything pressing. 

“I don’t have anything, but if something comes up I will.” I brought one of my hands to the side of his face, my hand brushing over the stubble that had formed overnight. “And the same goes for you, whatever you want to unload, I can at least try to help you.” He smiled, laying his hand over mine as he leaned his head into my palm. 

He turned his head and kissed it, before bringing our hands down to his lap again. “Thank you. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to change out of these clothes. Do you want to come to my apartment with me or do you want to stay here?” I glanced to Daisy who was laying in a sunny spot. 

_“If my neighbor can come check on Daisy then I’ll go.” He nodded, standing and kissing my forehead._

“You call them, I’m going to go brush my teeth.” He grinned when I pretended to nod profusely, pulling out my phone as he passed me, walking into my bathroom where I had left a toothbrush out for him. I texted Derek asking him to let Daisy out when he got home, to which he replied that he would. 

I was just finishing up putting food and water in Daisy’s bowls when Spencer returned from the bathroom and nodded to me to say he was ready. I grabbed my purse and he opened the door for me, allowing me to pass under his arm and ready the key by the time he followed me out and stood behind me letting me lock the door. 

We then walked together to his car, where he once again opened the door for me and closed it behind me. I smiled to myself, the act so innocent but so old fashioned. We pulled out of my driveway and I tried not to be too excited that I was seeing his apartment, and definitely wasn’t trying to memorize the way. It ended up being more of a task than I was expecting, and I was already lost by the time he took another right turn and headed down a row of apartment buildings. “How do you not need a GPS?” I finally said exasperated, which only served to make him laugh. 

“I have a good memory.” He replied, glancing at me as I turned over in my seat, trying to see if looking back would help me figure it out. 

“Well I, decidedly, do not.” I pouted, crossing my arms over my chest angrily. 

“You’ll get there, you’ve only lived here for what, like two months?” I nodded, still pouting. “(Y/n), I’ve lived and worked here for nearly 15.” He smiled and I looked at him, shocked. I realized then that I really didn’t know how old he was. 

“15?” So when I was 10 he was working in DC in an official capacity. When my father was killed he had been working here for 5 years. The thought made me both feel very young in his presence, and like life had sped by when I wasn’t looking. 

“You okay?” He asked, concerned at my sudden silence. 

“You ever get the feeling like life is passing you by and you have nothing to show for it?” I said suddenly, and I felt him looking at me as I stared out the front window at the world around me. 

“Sometimes, but you need to remember that we are young. We can’t expect to be in the same place our parents were at our age, that’s… just not possible in our world anymore. Your life seems like it’s happening so fast because you’re living it. When our parents tell stories about their lives, they say things all at once, but a month is still a month, and a year is still a year.” I turned to look at him and my eyes traced the angles of his face, the curve of his jaw. “And three months can feel like a lifetime.” He said quietly, almost distantly as he pulled over in front of a set of apartment blocks and put the bug in park. “But, no more of that talk, come on, lets go inside.” I nodded, my eyes still trying to find where his calm exterior broke to see what was behind those words. 

Something told me that he had lived so many lives, seen so many things, and they were all clouding up his mind and weighing his heart down to the point where he would sink if so much as one more drop filled him. I wanted to take some of that away, but my cup was full too. So like two over-filled glasses sitting on a table, we could do nothing to save the other besides maybe just be there for when one of us finally spills. 

I followed closely behind Spencer as he walked up the stairs, checking over his shoulder for me every few steps, like he wasn’t convinced I was coming. I hugged myself closely, strangely nervous about seeing his apartment, like I wasn’t worthy of seeing his safe place. When his doors opened my mouth dropped open in a gasp. 

The dark green and brown accented apartment was beautiful and filled with books. He led me in, and closed the door behind me. I brushed his hand on my back as he passed me, promising he’d be back in a moment as I turned in place, my eyes drinking in the masculine dark academia aethstetic. It made so much sense, and suddenly my guess at his day job switched to Historian. He said he was a doctor… 

Not wanting to intrude, I continued to turn in place. There was a stack of books on sinkholes, and I tilted my head in confusion. Geologist? I turned again and my eyes landed on a stack of books about Mesopotamia and Egypt. I frowned. It was then I heard him open the door and appear in a new set of clothing, dark grey slacks, a purple plaid shirt and a dark grey blazer slung over his arm. It wasn’t as warm as it normally was, but it was still hot to me. I couldn’t believe that he could wear so many layers and not melt. 

That was it, Virginians scared the shit out of me, then again he did say he grew up in Vegas… so I rescind my statement… southerners… _Southerners_ scared the shit out of me. “Archeologist?” I said suddenly, throwing him off his rhythm momentarily. 

“What?” He asked, laughing as he draped the blazer over the couch, moving a stack of books from his couch to his desk, like he had forgotten to do it before. 

“You said you’re a doctor, but not a medical one, and the books on sinkholes and ancient civilizations… so, are you an Archeologist?” He smirked, motioning to a stack of books on medicinal herbs. 

“How do you know I’m not a biologist?” He countered, and I popped my hip, crossing my arms over my chest as I stared him down. 

“Are you?” 

“No.” He replied cheekily, walking past me into his kitchen area to collect a few bottles of water from his fridge. He handed me one and I took it, opening it and sipping from it greedily, accepting both the water and fussing care he offered me. 

“Are you ever going to tell me?” I whined, stomping my foot a little childishly. 

“Are you ever going to guess correctly?” He quipped back, leaning his lower back against his counter. I glared at him and he returned it, and as he suspected, I blinked first. 

“Will you tell me if I get it?” He thought for a moment, then when he probably reasoned with himself that I would never guess it, he nodded. “Okay, well in that case, is anyone close? Like any of the guesses at the club, are they right?” He smirked. 

“Andrew knows, but that’s only because I ran into him at work.” He offered and my jaw went slack again. 

“Andrew!? Seriously?” I scoffed and rolled my eyes. Spencer smirked again, tipping the water bottle back to finish it off. I took considerably longer, so while he did some last minute tidying, filing things away in a system only he knew, I finished my water, and then like that, we were returning to the car. The fireworks didn’t start until sundown, and it was just past 3 pm now we still had a lot of time to kill. I was trying to think of what he would want to do when I noticed us pulling into the Capitol Building visitor’s center. “What are we doing here?” I asked, trying to hide my excitement. 

I had lived in DC for two whole months, and not once had I taken the time to explore the city that I had basically dreamed about for all four years of my college education. “I don’t think it's right that someone who is as passionate about political science hasn’t explored the historic parts of the city. Especially on the Fourth of July… well.. The belated celebration of the Fourth of July.” I was nearly buzzing in my seat. 

“Are you serious?” I asked quietly, trying to hide my grin behind my hands. 

“Come on, come show me what you learned.” He was already out of the car, opening my door for me by the time I processed what he said and was able to make my brain function. I got to nerd out for an entire day, with someone who wasn’t going to get lost when I went on tangents or tirades… With someone who actually cared about what I had to say. 

I almost skipped as we approached the visitor center entrance, Spencer hot on my heels. I caught his reflection in the glass of the door, and if I wasn’t such a realist, I would think that he was looking at me with adoration and glee. 


	14. What No One Says

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Fourth...
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiUl5YMkRK8

“And what’s crazy is that the reason we have two terms of four years is entirely because Washington was just tired… like he just went home.” I said, licking a long stripe up the side of my frozen yogurt, Spencer nodding as he did the same, staring up at the Washington Monument as we took a break in the slowly growing heat. We found a wall to sit on and I was sitting cross legged, facing him, while he sat in a much more adult way, both feet on the ground. “I mean, if you think about it, there are so many things with American culture that could have been completely different from how we know it for some crazy reasons.” 

I wiped at my face as I too, turned to look to the top of the monument. “Everything in life is circumstantial, we as humans just take the time to make things make tangible sense.” Spencer said, turning to look at me, I nodded, then narrowed my eyes at him.

“Psychologist?” Spencer grinned, taking a moment to think. 

“Hmm, getting warmer.” He teased, and I felt my heart stutter. 

“Shut the fuck up, no way really?” I said, his eyes giving me a warning look only barely registering in my mind as I sat up straighter, excited. “I’m actually getting close?” 

“Yes, you are. Now watch your mouth.” His eyes drifted around the park to the families surrounding us before pinning me with another warning gaze. “There are children around.” 

I rolled my eyes, which only earned me a stern raise of his eyebrows. I took the warning this time. “Sorry, Sir. I got excited.” I replied quietly. He only nodded, turning his attention to a young boy who was running down the walkway, his mother desperately trying to catch him while her arms were full with a smaller child. I watched him carefully for a moment, my body already starting to stand the moment I saw his foot catch on a brick and start careening forward. 

Just as he hit the ground, chin first, I shot up getting to him moments before his mother cried out in panic. He was starting to cry, and I was shushing him before the first tears fell. “You’re okay! It’s okay, just a bump, hey you’re okay.” He was sucking in deep painful breaths looking up to me as I crouched beside him. Spencer was beside me in a moment, handing me the napkins from our frozen yogurt and the water bottle I had stuffed in my back. I poured a bit of water on it, dabbing at the dirt and grit in the cut, just as the boy’s mother arrived. 

“Archie! I told you not to run away from Mommy!” She said in that angry concerned way that all mothers know too well. “I’m so sorry.” She said, directing it to me. I just waved her off. 

“No worries ma’am, you have your hands full and I’m trained in first aid response. I have a certification card if you want to see it.” I offered as I dug in my purse for both the card and my pack of bandaids I carry for this very reason. She shook her head, shushing the baby on her hip who was starting to get upset at the crying of her brother. 

“No, that’s okay, thank you.” She said, directing this both at myself and Spencer who was trying to distract the younger of the children from the scene before her. 

“Hey buddy, any more places that hurt?” Archie shook his head, wiping at his face to clear the tears. “Okay, see you’re okay! And you got a cool bandaid too! I'm jealous.” I said, pointing to the bandage that was covered in batman symbols. I reached into my bag and handed the little girl a frozen themed bandaid, pasting it on her finger. I knew children, and if one had a cool bandage, the other wanted one too. 

The young mother gave me a look of gratitude before she took Archie’s hand and led him away. He was no longer crying and was actually laughing and skipping beside his mother. I felt Spencer’s hand on my back, and before I registered what happened, we were behind a public bathroom building, and my back was against a wall, his hands on my hips and lips on my neck. I stood in confused shock for just a moment before I registered what was happening and my eyes fluttered closed. 

“You need to stop being so perfect.” He growled against my neck, and I shuddered. 

I coiled my hands into his hair, tugging gently as he hit a particularly sensitive spot on my skin, which only made him focus there, my legs shaking below him. “What? You got a thing for nurses?” was my only response, which ended more as a pained groan when his teeth bit into my neck, already anticipating my smart ass response. 

Spencer pulled away, his eyes searching mine, half hooded as he watched me. I shrank under his gaze, the intense look in his eyes throwing me quickly into sub space. “Will you ever learn to take a compliment without some snarky response? I shook my head, biting my lip. “Brat.” He added with a slight growl, capturing my lips in his. 

My eyes fluttered closed again and he stepped forward, pressing his knee between my thighs, the position lifting me slightly off the ground. I whined at the pressure, and felt him smirk against my lips. “Scratch that, I think you have a thing about getting me off in public.” I retorted, opening my eyes just to glare at him. His eyes met mine and I felt his hand leave my hip just to latch on to my neck, pressing me back against the wall with the motion. 

“Who said anything about getting you off?” He demanded, his voice low. “You want anything, you’ve gotta work for it.” His face split in an evil grin and my eyes went wide, he wanted me to ride his leg… in public. We were covered by a wall of trees and the ever present sound of hand dryers going off, but the risk was still there. 

My mouth fell open, trying to plead with my eyes that he help me, but he just shook his head, that evil smile on his face as he watched me struggle against his grip and the situation. I could call it off at any second, but he and I both knew that I was desperate. The burning in my core and the fact that my hips had already started to rock confirmed that. So, biting the bullet, I braced one hand on his wrist by my chest, and my other hand fisted in his shirt. 

He leaned his forehead down on mine as I started to rock in ernest, biting my lip to stifle some of the more desperate noises, letting only my panting be heard. One particularly long drag of my hips caught in just the right place and I cried out, my head dropping away from his, my chin hitting his hand for just a moment before he pushed my head back up forcing me to look at him. Once again, the intense look in his eyes did something to me, and I repeated the motion from before, hitting that sensitive spot over and over. 

My hips picked up speed and soon I was moving without thinking, forcing my eyes to stay open as he watched me, my lip red and bruised from here I had been biting on it. Spencer moved in at that, capturing the swollen lip with his teeth as he used his mouth to stifle the noises. It was a good attempt, but it didn’t work and I cried out loudly. Though the thought of being caught was exciting, letting it happen would not look good for either of us, so he clamped a hand down on my mouth, which only added a new layer to my arousal. “Keep your fucking noises down. You’re going to get us both caught.” He hissed, and I whined behind his hand. “You want to get caught, don’t you?” My eyes slipped closed in response. “No, open your eyes.” I forced myself to obey, my eyes starting to roll back as each drag over his pant leg brought me closer and closer to my end, I had never been able to really get off like this, having tried multiple times in my teens and early 20s, but there was a first time for everything. 

“I bet you’d love that.” He said carefully, the amount of controlled desire in his voice intoxicating. “I’d bet that’s why you ran off last night. You love the idea of being chased, and caught, and used. Don’t you?” I surprised myself when I nodded. When I had taken off last night, it was instinctual, I don’t really know why I did it, but I did, and I had loved it when he had caught me. Was that a thing? And if it wasn’t… could it be? “Of course you do.” He looked down to his watch a smirk appearing on his face. “Are you close?” I nodded quickly, my eyes slipping closed despite my best efforts to fight it. It was then that he pulled his leg away and removed the hand from my neck, using it instead to keep my hips from following him. 

“Well, you’re going to have to wait.” My eyes shot open and I glared at him. “You’re going to have to wait one minute, and 46 seconds exactly.” My blood went cold and that cruel grin once again spread over his face. “What, I thought you said it wasn’t that much time?” I was so tempted to bite his hand at that, but that urge left the moment I felt him deftly undo the button on my pants and slide his fingers into my underwear, dragging the gathered wetness there around for a moment before slipping a finger in and curling it towards the textured skin just inside. 

My knees did buckle this time, but he held me up until I gained my footing. He started a slow circle around the skin, his thumb mimicking that circle on the bundle of nerves outside my body. I gave him a pleading look with my eyes and he removed the hand on my mouth for me to call it off if I needed to, but I just used it to moan his name. He clamped the hand back on my mouth instantly and I whined again. 

I was trying to count the time in my head, but by the time I counted to 30 my mind was mush and I was trying to chase the high over, but Spencer wouldn’t let me, and he would slow down or stop if he felt me just about to crash. He made a big show of looking at his watch, just before he returned his leg between my thighs and said the words I was desperate to hear. “If you want to come, then do it yourself.” I have never been more excited to dry hump a leg in my life. 

It only took two more passes over his thigh before I saw stars and my hips twitched as I rode out the actually very intense orgasm I wasn’t expecting. I was shaking by the time I came down and he was redoing my shorts and brushing hair out of my face to help me come back to reality. He was slowly and calmly telling me to breathe, just like I had done with Archie until my eyes opened and I gave him a tired and sated grin. “Fuck.” I said quietly, which only served to make him laugh.   
“Well that was fun to watch.” He replied, and my eyes drifted to the bulge in his pants, which made him bite his lip and tilt my head up to him. “You can pay me back later.” he replied, looking at his watch again. The action made a shiver roll down my spine and he smirked. “Fireworks should be starting in an hour. We should go.” 

“Go? Go where?” I asked when he moved away, expertly covering his crotch with his shoulder bag. 

“I have a place that is perfect to watch them from.” I gave him a curious look as he took my hand, leading me down the walkway towards the Capitol Building. Thinking we were just returning to the car, I was shocked to find us walking towards the doors of the building, heading towards a metal detector. After passing through, Spencer stood me by a stairwell, before telling me to stay put while he did something. 

He returned a few minutes later with a visitors pass for us both, and as I clipped it to my clothes, confused, he nodded to a guard who pressed a button, allowing us access to the stairwell. My jaw dropped as he opened it for me and we both started to climb the ancient steps. I didn’t speak until we had climbed a few steps. “Okay, what the hell.” I said, laughing. 

“I know some people, and called in a favour.” He replied cryptically as I stopped, looking at him over my shoulder. He gave me a look, stopping just behind me. “Keep walking.” He ordered, the stern tone, though inconspicuous to anyone else, was very clear to me. There was a silent “or else” at the end of that. 

“Seriously what the hell do you do that lets you call in favours in the fucking capitol building?!” I demanded, shaking my head as I started the climb again. “Can you call in one at the White House?” I asked mostly as a joke. 

“Personally, I haven’t. But I know people who have.” He teased, and I once again stopped to stare at him, but he just gave me a look and I rolled my eyes, turning to keep moving. I felt the smack moments later and I yelped. “You really need to watch your attitude.” The urge to tell him to make me was so strong, but when he opened the door at the top of the stairs and ushered me inside, before using a set of keys to open an office my jaw dropped. I could see all the way down the national mall, the spire of the washington monument looming over the horizon as the sun set behind it.

“Whose office is this?” I asked breathlessly, eyes wide as he opened the shades to expose the full view. 

“A friend of mine from graduate school. He owes me one.” Was all he said and I found my eyes drifting over the book collection and the desk to try to find a name, only to be distracted by the view again. 

“I’d kill for an office with a view like this.” I breathed, bracing my hands on the windowsill to look out. 

“You’ll have it some day.” He said, and my heart stuttered as I turned to look at him, bracing his lower back on the desk. He shrugged at my look of surprise. “What? You don’t believe me?” I shook my head, grimacing slightly. “(Y/n), you ranted for two hours about politics and political behaviours, do you really think you don’t belong here?” I just looked away. 

“Someone like me doesn’t get into politics.” I replied with a shrug. His hand on my shoulder turned me. 

“Someone like you?” I waved him off, but his face fell into a stern line. “What do you mean someone like you?” 

I sighed, once again turning to look out at the view, enraptured and trying to memorize it. “I was average in school, at best. My ideas and beliefs are a bit too radical to even make it past the first hurdle of running for office. Plus with everything at home I-” I cut myself off, clearing my throat. “I don’t think it’s my place.” I finished, crossing my arms over my chest. Spencer didn’t press me, he had said that if I wanted to tell him, I could, but he wouldn’t force me. 

“I hope that’s your opinion, and not what you’ve been forced to believe.” He said quietly after a few seconds. I nodded, only slightly, and he sighed. “There’s a lot to be said about our world when the ones who can make the most change are told they take up too much space.” 

I couldn’t help but grin at him, the words were kind, and they were heartfelt, but like he said, I can’t take a compliment without a smart ass response. “Philosopher?” His eyes narrowed and he was on me in a second, pulling me in for a kiss just as the first firework was set off. I turned in his arms, and he wrapped them around my waist, his head resting on my shoulder as we watched the fireworks go off in the distance. We could hear the music coming from the plaza through the glass, and from this angle, I could almost believe that the whole thing was for us. 

*~*~*

When the fireworks ended, we knew that the traffic was going to be horrendous, so we decided to sit out on the grass for a while longer, watching as the lights turned on a shifted on the buildings around the mall. I was sitting between his legs, my back against his front, a much more chaste situation that the previous time we were in this position, and Spencer was listening to me tell a story about my brother Johnathan when he ran off one day and we found him later that night stuck in a tree. 

I heard his phone go off, but it wasn’t the normal tone I was used to, this one was louder, and more insistent. I felt him tense, and when he produced the phone from his bag, I sat up, turning to watch a street performer to try to give him some privacy. “Hey Rossi.” He said, his eyes sliding to me for a moment. I met them, then as if I didn’t hear him, returned my attention to the Poi dancer. 

I heard Spencer sigh, and out of the corner of my eye saw him drag a hand down his face. I turned to him, giving him a look of concern, and he just smiled a sorry smile and cupped my face. I leaned into it, returning to him an unbothered smile. This was adult life, you got called away to work even when you didn’t want to. I could tell from the professional tone and the presence of a second phone that this was a work call, only work could call you at the worst time. 

“I’m at the national mall. Yes. No, it’s fine. I can be there in two hours. They were great… yes the traffic is going to be horrible, if I’m late just catch me up when I get there. Great… thanks Dave.” He ended the call and stuck the phone in his pocket. “I uhm.. I’m sorry.” He started, but I just leaned forward, pressing my lips to his gently. 

“Spencer, it’s fine. We’re both adults remember? You have a job that needs you. I’m not going anywhere.” I affirmed and I watched as the stress physically left his shoulders. He rested his forehead on mine for a moment. 

“You seriously need to stop being so perfect. I’m starting to think you’re not real.” My heart hurt at the admission and I kissed him again. 

“I promise I am.” I replied quietly, and we paused a moment before he groaned and he stood. He offered me his hand and I accepted it, brushing grass off my legs. 

“Let me at least pay for a taxi for you to get home.” He said already digging in his wallet for money. I placed my hand over his, pushing the wallet down as I held up my phone where I had already called a lyft. 

“You’ve done more than enough for me, besides, you bought the fro-yo.” I grinned when he nodded in acceptance. “How long do you think you’ll be gone?” I asked, already assuming he had to travel. 

We started to walk to the street to wait for my lyft, his hand holding mine. “It's only a consultation, shouldn’t be more than a day.” I nodded, so I would maybe see him Friday. 

“Okay, be safe.” I said as we reached the sidewalk. He kissed the top of my head, and stepped back, just as the driver pulled up and asked my name. I confirmed it, then Spencer opened the door. 

“Text me when you’re home so I know you’re safe.” He ordered. I kissed his cheek and promised I would, watching as he receded behind me as the car pulled away. He waited for a few more moments before he turned, and disappeared through a gate to go back to his car. 

Traffic was worse than horrible. It was downright criminal. So much so that the Lyft driver turned off the counter to save me money. I passed him a 20 for the trouble and he thanked me. It was a 100% tip, but if I was in a real taxi, I would have paid triple that with how long we idled trying to get out of the city. 

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out to see a text from Grace. 

**Grace**   
_Still on for tomorrow?_

My tattoo! That’s right. I had entirely forgot what with everything that happened. I luckily had already paid the deposit for the time, so even with the tight budget I needed to start, I had already paid in so there was no need to back out. 

**Me**   
_Yep! 3 right?_

She replied with a thumbs up, and I texted Jennie to see if she was still coming with me. She was, and we had planned that she was going to come spend the night with me tonight. I told her that I would be home soon and she replied that she was already in my Apartment chilling with Daisy. I instantly called her. 

“Did you break into my fucking apartment?” I laughed out loud, and I heard her girlish giggle on the other side of the phone. 

_“NO! Your hot friend let me in.”_ I snickered as she sighed dramatically. 

“Derek?” She made a noise of affirmation and I heard her shovel some food in her mouth. 

_“I hope you don’t mind I’m eating your food.”_ Again I laughed, I didn’t care in the slightest. As if suddenly remembering something, she gasped. _“Wait! Oh my god, how was the date?! Were there fireworks? I mean… I know there were fireworks I watched them on T.V, but like… with you guys!?”_ I sighed, and she squealed. _“Tell me all about it when you get here.”_ Just as she said that, we pulled onto my street. 

I told her as much, and hung up. The lyft driver wished me a good night and I waved as I hurried up the lawn and into my apartment. My door was obviously open, and when I walked in, Jennie was hanging upside down on my couch, her feet dangling and swaying behind my couch, her head facing toward the ground, a bowl of chips on her stomach. She waved, righting herself much to the behest of Daisy who was laying on the other side of the couch. “Comfortable?” I teased, dropping my keys into the bowl and tossing my purse onto the floor. 

“Very. You have a really nice apartment.” She said looking around in wonder. 

“Thanks.” I blushed, sifting through the mail Derek had brought up for me, nothing important, and surprisingly, no bills. The only thing that caught my eye was a letter from the adoption agency saying that my character references to adopt Daisy were being processed. I had sent in the $250 already and now all I needed was the approval of the agency and Daisy was officially mine. 

Jennie came to stand beside me, turning me to face her as she looked me over with a scrutinizing look. I froze, watching her carefully as she assessed me. My face twisted into a confused concern when she grinned and snorted. “You two totally fucked didn’t you.” She said so plainly I had to laugh. 

“No!” I shook my head, brushing past her to toss the spam mail in the trash. I smirked. “I don’t think fucked is the right word for what happened.” She gasped and before I knew it was being pulled to the couch and tossed down as she fixed me with an intense stare, demanding without words that I tell her everything. “Well, it started with me going to his apartment…” I began, watching with glee as her face lit up and progressively journeyed between wonder, scandalized amazement, and shock. She was a fun gossip.


	15. Formidable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's always got to ruin a good day doesn't he?
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCg8oWZXJ9U

The bell of the tattoo shop chimed cheerfully as Jennie and I passed through, both of us holding two coffees. I handed Angel hers, and Grace took the one Jennie offered her. The shop was mostly empty, considering it was 3pm on a Thursday, and the other artists had broken for lunch, leaving the place just for us. “So, (Y/n), how are you feeling? Still ready to do this?” I nodded to Grace, despite the butterflies erupting in my stomach. 

“Yes, I have been thinking about this for years, I can’t believe it’s really happening.” I replied, pulling off my jean jacket and draping it over a chair as I spoke. “You just tell me what you need me to do.” The four of us were in a back room with a curtain over the door and Grace nodded to my shorts. 

“Take those off.” I paled, and the other girls smirked at my blush. “Oh please, we’re all friends here.” Grace dismissed me and I laughed, relaxing as the other girls didn’t seem bothered by my sudden need to be naked. I obeyed, slipping the canvas shorts off and laying them on the same chair as my coat. Only when I heard Grace suck in a breath and try to hide a laugh with a cough did I look down. 

My blush returned in full force. There was a definite red blue and purple handprint on my left inner thigh. It was hidden normally by the fabric of my pants, but now, you couldn’t _not_ see it. “Holy shit!” Angel chirped, rushing over and squatting by my leg to look at it. “Is this from Spencer?!” I cleared my throat, nodding nervously. 

“Damn! What’d you do to earn that?” Jennie teased, already knowing the answer. I glared at her. 

“Well I don’t know, it probably happened some time between us fucking in the park and going home for the night.” The room, satisfyingly, went silent. 

Grace stared at me with a newfound respect and Angel just whistled. “Brutal.” Angel replied before standing and returning to the stool she had claimed, spinning in it once. “And I thought I was mean.” She replied, which only made Grace scoff. Angel shot her a look which she ignored, and nodded for me to hop up on the bench. She produced the stencil from her book and, using a razor, shaved the area on my thigh and wet it down. 

While she did, Jennie kicked her feet up on another chair. “I wish we knew more about his life, I mean, does he ever talk about co-workers? It’s crazy that we know so much about his sex life but nothing about his vanilla life.” She said, opening a bag of doritos and offering some to Angel. She took a handful and shrugged. I had no idea how a girl as small as her could eat so much and stay so skinny. 

It was then I realized that I did know at least something. “Rossi… Dave Rossi.” I said calmly, causing all three girls to look first between themselves, and then at me. 

“What?” Grace said, her hand stilling on my thigh as she adjusted the position of the stencil. 

“He answered a work phone, and he said the name Dave Rossi.” I said, looking between them.

“Hold up, isn’t that the author guy?” Angel nearly shouted, and Grace shook her head, attention returning to my leg. 

Jennie’s eyebrows furrowed. “The serial killer guy? Grace isn’t that the guy you went to the book signing for?” 

“Shut up.” Grace warned, her face going red. 

“Wait, that’s not the… OH!” Jennie said, her eyes going wide, I looked between them, confused. There was history here I didn’t understand. 

“Anyone going to explain or?” I replied, bored. 

“He’s a semi-regular. He has a certain fondness for Grace.” Angel said, wiggling her eyebrows. I smirked, then it fell as I realized that maybe I had opened a can of worms we couldn’t come back from. It was then that I saw Jennie typing furiously into her phone. “Jen? What are you doing?” 

“Googling him.. Duh.” She replied rolling her eyes. 

“What! No fair.” Grace said, pulling the paper off to allow me to see it. I stood, turning this way and that in the mirror to examine it. When I nodded, she smiled, rolling to the counter to fill up the needed ink while I got comfortable once more on the table. “That’s gonna tell us exactly what he does and that’s no fair.” 

“Well do you want to know or not?” She asked, letting her phone drop as she gave us each a pointed look. I sighed, this felt like we were invading his privacy. 

“I don’t think we should look him up. That’s not fair to him. He hasn’t told us for a reason, and I think we might be crossing a line by looking him up, especially by going through his co-worker.” I offered, and Angel nodded. Jennie considered it for a moment then sighed, locking her phone and put it away. 

“I hate it when you’re right.” Grace smirked at her friend, picking up a bit of black ink with the gun and hovering it a few inches over my skin. I tense, and she rubbed my leg comfortingly. 

“Of the three of us, she’s the one who’s gonna pay for it, so I think she has a right to think clearly.” Grace teased, giving me a nod just before she touched the needle to my skin. I sucked in a breath, but after a few minutes, it went numb, and I was able to relax - and breathe - again. 

The previous conversation over, Angel scooted closer, offering her hand to squeeze which I gratefully took. “Seriously though. What happened that you earned that?” She said, pointing to my bruise. I grinned. 

“Okay, so you know how he left the club early?” I started, and they all nodded, just before I launched into the story, telling them all about our drive and foray in the park. 

*~*~*

Two hours later, the gun was finished, and all that was left was the poppy. We decided to take a break, mostly because Grace couldn’t find the red ink she was looking for and she needed to ask another artist if they had it. While she was gone I once again admired the art in the mirror. “What do you think Spencer’s going to say?” Jennie asked, her legs up on Angel’s thighs as Angel used her phone to order a pizza for us all to share. 

“Does he even know you’re getting a tattoo?” Angel asked, looking up for a moment to see my shaking my head. 

“I was worried about his reaction, so I haven’t told him.” Jennie smirked. 

“He might give you another handprint to match that one.” She teased, and I rolled my eyes, returning to the chair when Grace appeared from behind the curtain with a bottle of red ink, shaking it to emphasise that she found it. “That would be a neat tattoo…” She trailed off.

“Careful Jennie, you keep obsessing over that handprint and I might think you want one.” Angel replied, giving Jennie a side glance. Jennie blushed and looked to her hands, which only made us all hoot and tease her about it. It was all in good natured fun, and when we heard the bell ringing in the lobby, we didn’t pay it any mind until one of the artists poked her head in and her face was uncomfortable. 

“Hey Grace?” Grace instantly sat up, turning to look at the younger artist. “There’s a guy here demanding to talk to you.” Grace was the manager of the store, despite all the artists renting out chairs, she was the head of the operation. She gave me a look and I nodded, so she took off her gloves, tossing them in the trash as she followed the girl out into the lobby. We waited only a minute before following her, only to stop dead in our tracks. 

“Get the fuck out Keith.” Grace growled, bracing her hands on the counter as she stared the man down. I felt Jennie reach for my hand and I grabbed hers, squeezing it tightly. 

“I’m a paying customer, I deserve to get a tattoo just like anyone else.” he taunted. Angel moved behind me, and I turned, watching her grab her phone and dial 911. We weren’t taking any chances with this fucker. Him showing up at my work might have been a coincidence, but this was proof he was stalking us. 

“We have a policy of no walk-ins. If you read the sign on the door you’d know that.” Grace shot back, staring him down. 

“Police will be here soon.” Angel called, stepping out around us and drawing Keith’s eyes to the three of us gathered in the doorway. 

“Oh hello Jennie,” He said, giving her a sickening look. Then his eyes snapped to me and his face twisted in a sick smile. “Slut.” He said in way of greeting. I didn’t realize I had tried to go after him until I felt Jennie pulling me back subtly. 

“Didn’t you hear her? The cops are on the way.” Grace seethed, barely controlling her own rage. 

“Oh good, maybe I can call Spencer and ask for pointers.” Keith taunted, his eyes meeting mine. 

All of us went silent, the shock running through us as we processed what he said. “What?” Angel said, her face falling in surprise as we all stared at him, motionless. 

Keith’s grin turned to one of satisfied maleficence. “Oh, you didn’t know?” He crossed his arms, smirking at us all. I wanted to kill him. He made me so uncomfortable and so angry, and he scared me. I hated how weak he made me feel and how he never ceased to knock me off balance. “Your boyfriend’s a felon!” the shock once again rushed through us as we all stared at the man gloating on the other side of the room. 

The silence was broken by the sound of sirens coming down the street. Keith took that as his excuse to leave and turned, rushing out the door knowing that if the police arrived he was going to be arrested. Grace broke from the trance first, looking over her shoulder at us before she followed him out, pointing down the road as the first cruiser arrived, it sped off and I watched as they disappeared down the street. 

Grace returned a few moments later to see Jennie holding my hand so tightly it could break, looking desperately between Grace and I, waiting for someone to break the silence. 

“What did he mean Spencer’s a felon!?” Angel said, finally, which only caused the rest of us to sit in silence, terrified, horrified silence. 

“We can’t start making assumptions.” Grace insisted, leaning forward to take my hand in hers. 

“Should we look him up?” Jennie asked, looking mostly to me for permission. I shook my head.

“If Spencer wanted us to know, he’d have told us. And he’s allowed to work, and drive,and all that so obviously it wasn’t anything serious. I mean shit you can get a felony drug charge by having over an ounce on you.” I insisted, which made the other girls stop and think. We sat in silence for a while longer. 

“I totally get something for saying that he was an international spy, that’s got to be at least felony level.” Jennie said, not one to let a situation get away from us or let us get too deep in a pit of fear. Grace just snorted, shaking her head. Leave it to Jennie to diffuse a situation. 

“No way, if anything, (Y/n) was closest with a Hitman.” We all gave her a look at that. She put her hands up defensively. “Look, I said Scientist, and he _does_ have a doctorate.” Jennie pulled up her phone at that, and typed furiously into her phone. 

“So it says here that being a spy is not a felony.” Jennie added, tilting her phone for Angel to see. Angel snatched the phone out of her hand and read through the information.

“No, it just says you could be executed.” Angel shot back, to which Jennie stuck out her tongue and rolled her eyes. 

“Come on (y/n), let’s keep talking but finish your tattoo.” I nodded, getting up and following her into the back room, Jennie and Angel following moments later. 

My mind was running a million miles a minute, trying to keep it under wraps that I was really freaking out inside. So many things made sense now. Of course he didn’t want people knowing he had done time, it put a huge target on his back,and not to mention, whatever he did might actually be really serious. Even people I knew who did time for minor things didn’t talk about it… and if you knew what was good for you, you didn’t bring it up when they were around.

It made sense now, when he would open doors for me… he was assuring himself that they were open, that he wasn’t locked inside. My heart hurt for him. It only hurt more when I realized that he stayed and watched me get back in my apartment, and had driven me home because he was scared I was going to get hurt. What had he seen on the inside? Is that where those scars came from?

My mind then produced this lovely tid-bit: Holy shit I had broken like… six laws with a felon. I voiced this suddenly, and all the girls stopped, there was a beat of silence, before we were laughing, harder than we were before as the girls teased me about blackmail and how if we broke up, I could have him arrested for violating parole. Which was followed by us discussing how fucked up the criminal justice system was. Turns out Grace did two years at Georgetown for Criminal Justice before she dropped out. 

_If we broke up…_ Were we even dating? I hesitated to ask, mostly because there were one of three options. He said no, and distanced himself from me out of awkwardness, he said no, and I distanced myself because I knew that I was head over heels for him, which was an odd thing to admit to yourself while a man’s handprint was on your thigh, or he said yes, and I had to deal with that information, and the fact that I was like a Brittany Spears song.

At some point, Angel stood and left to retrieve the pizza. She returned, and passed the box around for us to grab a slice. Grace turned it down, insisting she was almost done. And 30 minutes later, she was. She wiped down my leg, the paper harsh on essentially the one foot by 6 inch open wound on my thigh, and then helped me to my feet. 

My legs were asleep, and while I got my feet back under me, she rubbed my leg down again with a lotion that was supposed to protect it. As she covered it with the bandage, I stared at the design through the plastic, instantly getting emotional despite my best efforts to remain stoic. As many bad memories as I had about my father and his job, there were so many good ones, and I still missed him despite the amount of time that had passed. 

When Grace stood again, I instantly hugged her tightly to my chest. She returned it just as quickly, and soon, Angel and Jennie were all holding me as I cried. I cried about so much, the pain in my leg, which was slowly getting worse as feeling returned to it, I cried about the bubble of ignorance around Spencer’s past, which I couldn’t help imagine ending the same way my father’s had: betrayed by the system, and frustratingly, I cried about Keith. He didn’t deserve any of my time, but there he was, weaseling his way into what should have been a cathartic, happy moment. 

Angel’s phone rang then, and as Grace pulled away, she grabbed a pizza slice, starting to clean up the area I had just occupied. “It’s the cops, they want us to go down to the station to make a statement.” 

“They caught him?” Jennie said, actually surprised at the effectiveness of the MPD. First time for everything I guess. 

“Yea, should we go?” She asked, putting the phone on mute. 

“You guys go, I have to clean this stuff up then I’ll meet you there.” Grace said, dropping a handful of trash into the basket. Angel came around the chair and kissed Grace quickly before the three of us headed out onto the street. My leg was sore, and Jennie stood on my right side, supporting me in case I fell as we walked to the cruiser that had pulled up, the three of us sliding into the back. 

*~*~*  
If I thought giving a statement was anxiety inducing enough, there was something so much worse about giving a statement about a stalker that you met at a sexclub down town. There was an instant change in demeanor, they were no longer nice about what happened, even going so far as to suggest that we were leading him on. While I was waiting for Jennie to give her statement, which of course was going to be longer than mine, my phone rang and I felt my heart drop when Spencer’s name appeared on my phone. I locked my phone, ignoring the call. 

Angel gave me a look from across the way, and I shook my head. She gave me an exasperated look, as if to say ‘why wont you talk to him?’. I once again just shook my head. She sighed and rolled her eyes. Grace appeared in the door, and sat beside Angel, who kissed her as if routine. “Jennie still in there?” Grace asked, to which we both nodded as my phone went off again. I once again locked it, and then just turned it off. “I hope that wasn’t Spencer.” Grace said in warning, as if she already knew it was. 

“I don’t know what to say to him!” I defended, dropping my head into my hands. We had been here for over an hour and a half already, my leg hurt like a bitch and I was tired. 

“So you just ignore him?” Angel retorted, and I shot her a glare. “(Y/n), you can’t do that to him. He doesn’t know, and moreover, if he is a,” she lowered her voice and leaned in. “You know, a Fed,” She returned to her previous volume and position. “Then his mind probably goes to the worst option first.”

“Turn your phone on and call him.” Grace insisted, and I sighed, standing as I turned on my phone and made my way to a quiet spot. 

When he answered the phone, he sounded concerned, but mostly, annoyed. “Hi.” I started nervously. 

_”Seriously (Y/n)? That’s all you have to say? ‘ _Hi_ ’?” _ I flinched. 

“Sorry, I wasn’t able to answer the phone.” I moved out of the way as a pair of cops passed me, giving me dirty looks at my new tattoo and my clothes, assuming any number of things about my appearance. Their radios loud as they passed. 

He was quiet on the other end of the phone and I held my breath, waiting for him to snap. _”Are you okay? I just heard a police radio.”_ I let out the breath, closing my eyes and leaning my head back on the wall behind me. 

“Kieth showed up at Grace’s work today, turns out he’s been stalking us. We are at MPD to report him now.” I never believed people when they said that they could feel their partner’s anger from the other side of the phone, but here I was, feeling how angry that sequence of words made Spencer. Especially when his breath came out in a slow growl. 

_“_ ‘Us’?” Shit. I tried to back peddle from the statement but he had already heard it, and latched on to it. _“Why didn’t you tell me he was stalking you, (Y/n).”_ My eyebrows instantly shot up and I wanted so badly to curse him out, but I held back. 

“I can handle it myself.” I retorted defensively. 

_”No you can’t (Y/n)!”_ He instantly regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. I could tell by the way he sighed and quietly said my name again. 

“No, I get it.” I snapped. “I’m just some girl to you. Some weak, incapable girl who is so broken she needs a big strong man like you to fix her.” My words weren’t fair. And we both knew it. He tried to say my name again but I spoke over him. “No! You don’t get to defend yourself here. You don’t know shit about me Spencer. You know what I’ve told you and that’s barely anything. So don’t even try.” I swore, turning and kicking the wall. All the stress and nerves of the day, and of being in the police station which was just pushing up angry memories as I tried desperately not to associate every cop that passed me with the ones who let my father die. The task was harder and harder the more they dismissed me.

 _”(Y/n)!”_ Spencer yelling made me stop and gather my breath. _“What is this really about?”_ I stopped, could he really see past my walls like that? 

“Nothing. I have to go.” I replied, hanging up before he had the chance to respond. I felt my phone buzz as he called back but I ignored him, returning to the sitting area to see Jennie was sitting between Angel and Grace, her head in her hands and shoulders shaking with quiet sobs. “What happened?” I said, my own issues forgotten as she rushed to me. 

“They won’t press charges.” Grace replied angrily, and I scoffed. 

“What the fuck? Why not.” I demanded, already searching the room for the highest ranking individual. 

“Because he claims that everything he did was consented in our contracts from work.” Grace added, holding out a paper that they gave Jennie should she want to go to a lawyer. 

“They can’t be-”Angel cut me off. 

“He’s right, in the contract it says that unless the safe word is used, all events will be taken under the assumption they were consented for, and in the contracts, it states that those who are registered as dominants or switches have a responsibility to check up any submissives they have interacted with.” 

I threw out my hands in anger. “So it was all legal. Stalking us, tracking us down, and harassing us was all legal!?” They nodded, and Jennie hid her face in Angel’s chest. “Can we call Desiree? Or James? Someone?” 

Jennie shook her head and spoke for the first time. “No, I just want to go home. Can we go?” Angel nodded, collecting both hers and Jennie’s stuff, pulling her to stand. 

“Of course hun, we can take you home. (Y/n), you want a ride?” I shook my head. “You sure?”

“I’m fine, I’ll call my friend.” Angel nodded, walking around me to lead Jennie out of the precinct. Grace watched them go before approaching me. 

“We can’t let him get away with this.” I nodded in agreement. “What did Spencer say?” 

I tensed, looking to the ground. “He’s angry, but I told him we can handle it.” Grace sighed exasperated. 

“Did you tell him we knew about… well.. You know?” I shook my head. “Good, let’s keep it that way. Last thing we need is him freaking out at us. Get home safe okay?” I smiled, and she pat my shoulder as she passed, following Angel and Jennie out of the precinct and down to the metro stop. 

I pulled out my phone, dialing Derek’s number he answered after the first ring. _“Why the hell are you at a police station.”_ Came his response, which made me break. 

“Derek.” I said, my voice breaking. I heard him suck in a breath before he was promising he was on his way, and I heard his truck start as he shushed me. “I’ll be there soon, okay sweetheart, don’t you worry, I’ll be there. You hang tight.” I nodded, though he couldn’t see me, and curled up on a chair in the corner of the waiting area, staring at the wall as I felt my phone buzzing. I didn’t have to look to see it was Spencer. After the third time, he gave up, and my phone went silent.


	16. Flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honesty, and forgiveness.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq-fRtqyC0c

Derek picked me up in record time. He no doubt sped through the streets, flashing (however expired) credentials at anyone who dared stop him. And by the way he nearly broke the doors when he slammed them open, you would think heaven had come to seek retribution for the scorned. His eyes zeroed in on me and I stood, curling myself against his body when he wrapped his arms tightly around me. I gripped his grey shirt, burying my face in his chest as tears of anger, frustration, pain, and fear fell, making the fabric dark. He didn’t try to make me speak, didn’t try to ask me why I was standing in the middle of MPD all but downright sobbing into his shirt, he just let me cry, his eyes daring anyone who tried to come near me to say something. 

I didn’t have to see to know that Keith was being escorted out of the police station. I heard him whistling a taunting tune as he passed. I gripped Derek’s shirt tighter, and he tightened his embrace in response. I felt his body turn, and I could tell from the way his hands twitched that he put two and two together. “Is that-?” I nodded into his chest and I swore I heard a growl. 

“Can we just go home? Please.” He nodded against my head, pressing a kiss to the crown of my hair before he grabbed my jacket and bag for me, placing a hand on my back before he led me out to his truck which was haphazardly parked in the 10-8 lot. Someone looked like they were ready to say something, but a look from an older cop, and a quick ‘Agent Morgan’, with a dip of his head and the younger cop backed off. Derek returned the dip of his head and opened the door to his truck for me. 

Only when he was helping me up did he realize that the bandage on my leg was not for a bloody mess, but for a tattoo. “Whoa, hold up. Did you get some ink?” his face spread out into a big grin and I couldn’t help but smile through the pain and anger. 

“Just what you’d notice.” I replied, pointing to the massive work of art on my thigh. 

“That’s beautiful.” He said, examining it closer, when his eye caught the poppy, he stopped, then his dark eyes flicked up to mine and I smiled a watery smile at him, which he returned. “He’d love it.” He said quietly, and I nodded. Derek closed the door then, and by the time he was in his seat and we were pulling out of the station, my head was against the window and my eyes were closed. 

I felt him drape a coat over me before I fell into that half sleep that only really happens in a car or on a plane. My dad always called it the “soldier’s nap”, because in an instant you would wake up with the slightest sign of danger. Mine came in the form of my phone ringing with the ringtone I specifically set for Spencer. I shot up, snatching the phone out of my purse and declining the call. 

Derek stared at me in concern, looking quickly between me and the road. “Okay, you really need to start talking.” He demanded and I sighed, pulling the black leather coat he had draped over me up to my shoulders. I wasn’t cold in the slightest, but it brought me comfort. 

“There’s nothing to talk about.” I insisted, watching as rain started to splatter on the windows in a light drizzle. 

“(Y/n), are you serious? I just picked you up at a police station, where you sobbed into my chest, and now you woke from a dead sleep to decline a call. I know you know that I can’t let that go.” He replied, turning down the music in the car. 

I sighed, rubbing at the bridge of my nose when I felt a headache coming. “That guy, his name is Keith. He was harassing my friend, I called him out, he got banned from our work.” Derek nodded, following along despite the vagueness of the response. “Then he showed up at my work, called me a slut, which you know,” Again he nodded, angrily gripping the wheel. “And then tonight, he showed up at my friend’s tattoo parlour when all of us were there. We have no idea how he found us, or why he’s even here considering he lives in Baltimore.” I shook my head glaring at a droplet making its way down the glass. 

“He crossed state lines?” Derek asked, and I already saw the wheels turning in his head. 

“We can’t press charges, trust me, we tried.” I grumbled, and Derek pressed on the breaks a little too hard. 

“What do you mean you tried?” He asked angrily, not at me, but at the situation. 

“The police wont accept the charges because of this stupid clause in our contracts, which really just pisses me off more knowing that he probably knew that and used the loophole to his advantage.” I wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. Keith may be a slimeball of a man, but he was smart, and he had probably read through that contract 30 times to figure out exactly how to get back at us. Hell, he knew how to avoid being whitelisted until Jennie was able to show on the cameras how he pushed her down. Luckily, Desiree believes the victims before anyone else. Otherwise he wouldn’t be blacklisted and we would have had to deal with him at the club. 

“Where the hell do you work that allows someone to stalk you!?” 

“Light’s green Derek.” I said, which only caused him to press on the gas too hard, pushing me back into the seat. “Calm down please.” I begged, my heart starting to pound in my chest. He was reminding me more and more like me dad the angrier he got. This situation was getting disturbingly close to the time my friends and I snuck out one summer when I was 15. We were going to a bonfire, there was drinking with some senior guys, they had crossed the border to buy alcohol in Canada where it was not only cheaper due to the exchange, but you only had to be 19, they had found a guy who sold it at 18. 

Long story short, we got too drunk, we couldn’t get home, and I had to have my dad come get me. Of course he was on duty, and he had to leave, meaning he showed up fully in uniform, in the car, lights blaring. Not only did my friends stop talking to me, but he embarrassed me in front of half my school. That was when things started to go bad with my dad, he didn’t trust me, and I could never forgive him. He was killed the next winter. 

“No I can’t calm down, (Y/n)! Do you realize you could have been killed? Or gone missing!?” I flinched, the words scarily close to my father’s and Derek realized the instant I went silent what had happened. “Hey, hey.” He pulled over on the highway, putting on his flashing lights as he turned to me. “Sweetheart, please look at me. I’m sorry.” I couldn’t force my eyes back to him. He sighed, taking my hand in his. I gripped it tightly. “(Y/n), please.” 

I was able to tear my eyes away from the blinking light on the mirror to look at him, my eyes rimmed red, I was so emotionally raw and there was nothing I could do to convince myself I was okay. I wanted Spencer. That’s all I wanted at this moment, but at the same time, I didn’t want him to be angry with me. For what? I had no idea. 

“I’m sorry.” I replied quietly, my voice small, eyes far away. 

“Don’t be sorry, you are not responsible for my reaction to your life, that was unfair of me to push my emotions on you, I am just worried about you, and I wish I could help you. Will you let me reach out to my friends at the FBI and see if we can do something about this creep?” I considered it for a moment, but there was a horrible nagging voice in the back of my head. The FBI had way more important things to deal with than a creep, that was MPDs job, and they refused to do anything about it, we were on our own for this. I sighed. 

“I appreciate the offer, but the FBI has things more important than this.” I said, voicing my thoughts. “He really didn’t do anything to me anyway, so it’s not my choice.” Derek’s face set in a hard line. 

“You are minimising what happened, (Y/n). You are just as much a victim in this as your friend.” He turned back forward, putting the car in drive before merging on to the highway as he did his phone rang, he grabbed it, answering it and putting the phone to his ear. “Yea, Reid what’s up?” 

I couldn’t hear the voice on the other end of the phone, but from the long pause between when he answered and when he spoke again, I could tell the person on the other side of the line was rambling. “Hey, kid. Calm down. I’m on the road right now, why don’t you come over and we can talk okay?” There was another long pause. “30 minutes, yea, I can do that. Drive safe. Right.” He hung up and sighed. 

“Everything okay?” I asked, trying not to pry. 

“Yea, just a friend of mine.” I nodded, turning to look out the window as we pulled off the highway and started on the last leg of the drive. “Look,if you change your mind, let me know.” I nodded, knowing that he was referring to our previous conversation. “You aren’t alone in this okay?” I smiled, resting my hand on his arm to tell him I heard him. 

*~*~*

Spencer sat on the Morgans’ couch anxiously as Derek returned from the kitchen with a coffee for them both. The team had returned that evening from an easy case, and he was excited to speak with (Y/n) again, mostly because he knew that she would be excited for him just out of principal, even if she didn’t know why he had had such a good day at work, but when she had declined his call not once, but four times, he began to worry. 

He had worried that maybe he had gone too far when they had been out together and she was just too kind to say anything about it. JJ had assured him when she saw his disgruntled face after the third hang up that it probably wasn’t that, though he hadn’t told her everything about that date for obvious reasons, he wasn’t even sure if he was going to tell Derek about it. Rossi had said to keep trying and try to make sure she was okay, which he had done, but she wasn’t answering. He had even called Jennie, but she wasn’t answering either. It was then that he broke his cardinal rule and checked her location. 

His heart dropped when he saw that she was at a police station. He called (Y/n) again, and when she actually answered, and he heard the radios, he wanted to be sick. He ran through the conversation a hundred times, and he had no idea what had set her off to put a wall between them, and then his emotions took hold, and she fully shut him out, and now she was pissed at him. He finally just gave up and called Derek, ranting about how he was an idiot and that he had messed up the first good thing he had since Maeve, to which Derek had invited him over, and here he was, nursing a cup of coffee while Derek stared at him from across the ottoman. 

Is this how the families of victims felt? He hated it. “Reid.” He looked up, making eye contact with Derek who lifted his arms and looked to him expectantly. 

“I messed up Morgan.” He said simply, to which Derek gave him an exasperated look. Spencer sighed. “So, I’ve been talking to this girl.” This made Morgan sit up straighter. “She’s become extremely important to me and we went on a date,” Spencer shifted uncomfortably, like a teen trying to tell his parents he had lost his virginity, why was this so hard!? He legitimately taught sex classes, this should be easy. “Things went a little far, and I’m scared that I scared her away. She won’t answer me, and now I found out that there are things going on in her life she didn’t tell me about and I’m.. lost.” He explained. It was vague, but if there was one thing the team understood, it was that sometimes vague was the only way to go.   
Derek wouldn’t ask more than what was needed to find a solution, and even if he did, he’d never pry if Spencer told him not to. “Spencer, first of all, you need to take a breath.” Derek replied, extending his hand in a calming motion. “How long have you been talking to this girl?” 

“Only a few weeks seriously.” Derek didn’t flinch at the non-specific answer. 

“Okay, so that explains why she wouldn’t tell you everything going on in her life, she might be ashamed of it. For instance, does she know about Mexico?” Spencer flinched slightly. It was on his list of things to tell (Y/n), but he didn’t know if he was ready, moreover, he wasn’t ready if she rejected him for it. Though, the longer things went on, the harder it was going to be. Spencer shook his head. “So you really can’t point fingers there kid, I’m sorry.” Derek shrugged. “And I know you haven’t told her about your job, mostly because you can’t.” Again Spencer shook his head. 

“She’s trying to guess.” Spencer said sadly, angrily brushing away tears that threatened to fall. Shit, he was in it now. He wasn’t a man that thought of the future often, but everytime he did, (Y/n) was in it. Fuck. Images of her eyes, her smile, her laugh, all flooded through his mind. Then his brain, the horribly beautiful thing that it was, saw her look of betrayal, disgust, anger, all directed at him for his past. He sighed. 

“Kid,” Spencer once again forced himself to look at his friend. “It looks like you have some apologizing to do.” Derek took a drink of his coffee, giving Spencer a pointed look. Spencer’s resolve hardened then, and he deposited his coffee on the table, grabbing his coat and keys before rushing from the Morgan home, not even really giving his car time to start as he pulled away and headed down the street. 

*~*~*  
The knock on my door came moments after I returned to the living room after brushing my hair out and putting it up in a braid to dry. I had just changed into a pair of leggings and a t-shirt, looking as much like a mess as my mind currently was. I was in no state to have visitors, but, maybe it was my landlord.. Shit I knew she’d notice it was late this month.

“Just a second!” I called, trying to make myself presentable in the mirror before I opened the door. “Mariana I know I was a little late on depositing my rent bu-” I stopped. Standing in my doorway was a half drenched Spencer, a singular pink rose in his hands. I was shocked, firstly at the fact he was here, but also at his current state. “Spencer?” I asked, blinking a few times to convince myself that he wasn’t here, and that he wasn’t handing me a flower. 

“I couldn’t reach you on the phone, so I came to talk to you…” He said quietly, looking to his feet as he shifted in place. “I… I need to apologize, it wasn’t fair of me to say you couldn’t handle Keith an-” I cut him off. 

“Jesus Christ is it raining that hard?” I couldn’t help but laugh at the wet rat looking man standing before me. I sighed, shaking my head. “Come in, get dry.” I said stepping aside to allow him access to my apartment. He hurried in once his moment of shock was over. I took the rose from his hand, looking at it carefully for a moment. I glanced back up at him as he cautiously stepped in and took off his rain jacket and draped it over a chair to drip dry. He had brought me a flower… he… a flower. I smiled sadly, then grabbed a glass, filling it with water and placed it on the island of my kitchen, before leaning against the counter to watch him. 

We just looked at each other in silence. “(Y/n) I-”

“Spencer…” We interrupted each other, stopping to laugh awkwardly and look to our feet. “You first..” I offered. The poor boy had trekked all the way out here just to give me a flower, my first flower… the least I could do was let him say his piece. 

Spencer smiled, reaching his hand out to me. I took it, and he settled me into the seat beside him as his hand gripped mine in his large palm. I felt his hands tighten and release, like he was scared. My heart dropped, was he going to say he didn’t want to be with me? Was he even with me? I hated this not knowing, but at the same time, if he didn’t put a label it was safer… but I don’t know if I want to be safe. 

“(Y/n), when I called you, and I heard the police radios…. I panicked. And I said something that isn’t true, which is that you couldn’t handle this situation on your own. I know that you can, but that insecurity comes from my own.” He sighed, gripping my hand tighter as he brought it up to his lips to kiss my knuckles with shaking lips. I was instantly concerned when his eyes closed briefly. 

“Spencer? Are you okay?” I asked, scooting my chair closer to him and using my free hand to press against his face. He was scaring me now… and when his face rested in my palm, I felt hot tears fall onto my fingers. 

“What I am going to tell you, is extremely hard for me to talk about.” I froze, but tried to force myself not to flinch at his next words. “Earlier this year, I was accused of Murder… I served three months in a federal detention center.It wasn’t true, I swear to you I would never do what they accused me of, and I did things I regret, and things I wish I could take back, but I can’t.” His voice was cracking now, and I could feel the grip on my hands get tighter, almost to the point of pain. 

I knew that feeling, he was grabbing me so tightly, he was afraid I would disappear if he didn’t, like if he opened his eyes, or released his grip everything would fall away from him. I had done it when my mother told me about my father, I had done it when my oldest brother went away on his first deployment, and I did it again when the middle brother was led away after the fire. “Spencer.” My voice broke and he opened his eyes, which were red and filled with tears he was trying, and failing, to contain. 

I left my chair at that, kneeling at his feet as I took both his hands in mine, holding his hands to my face. “I am right here.” I affirmed, which only served to have his brown eyes search mine, he nodded, which was my only evidence that he was still with me. “And I am _not_ ,” I let my full emotion show. It was so strange to me, how easily I cried with him, almost like my body was telling me I was safe. “I am _not_ going anywhere. I swear that to you. I see _this_ you, the one that has protected Jennie, the you that takes such good care of me, the you that is sitting here, trying not to fall apart from the shame that you don’t need to feel.” My hands left his as I cupped his face. “This information changes nothing.”

Though I knew about this before he told me, it didn’t change how I felt then, and it doesn’t change how I feel now. I would be a hypocrite to say that I was scared, or hateful of him, my own brother was a felon, and I loved him more than anything in the world. He didn’t need this on his plate, and from the shaky sigh that ripped itself from his chest, I could tell that this weight was suffocating. “I’m sorry.” was his only reply. There was nothing I could do to help him now, so I just shook my head, pulling myself up far enough to pull his head to my shoulder and hug him to me as tight as I possibly could. I felt his hands grip the back of my shirt, then release as his massive arms enveloped me and he pulled me impossibly closer. 

I don’t know when he left his chair and joined me on the floor, but I held him as tight as I could, because if I was honest, I was terrified of losing him too. The thought hit me like a freight train. I was so terrified of losing the man I was holding together that I knew in that moment that this moment, this singular moment in time in the millions of moments that I had experienced, was about to change my life. 

As Spencer’s silent sobs stopped, and I felt him stirr in my arms, I pulled away from him and used my thumbs to clear his face from the tears of relief that had consumed him. His hands found my hips and pulled me onto his lap which I allowed, as he rested his back against the island, staring up at me with a look of revelation. We both realized then in that moment the same thing. It was again that feeling that we had shared in the park, that feeling that our souls had finally found each other again after years and years of searching. 

Spencer moved first, though I was not far behind him as our lips crashed together and our hands pulled at any and all clothing we could grip as we tried desperately to say to the other what we could scarcely find the courage and bravery to put into words. 

We were both, hopelessly, and helplessly, in love.


	17. Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At what point is it safe to admit that you are afraid to lose someone?
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z740b51R0qY

Spencer lowered me gently into my bed, my previous fears that he couldn’t lift me vanishing the moment he had stood, taking me with him, not letting our lips part. My girlish elation at the motion fading quickly into an emotional reaction of being safe in his arms. Not once did I fear being dropped, and when my back finally hit the mattress and he climbed over me, I was almost sad I was no longer being lifted by him. 

The lights in my apartment were low, the only light coming in through the slats of the blinds on my windows, a yellow gold glow from the streetlamp, with streaks from the rain I only now realized was driving down on the window panes. He hovered over me, his arms braced on either side of my head as he watched me carefully. I tried to quiet my breathing, not sure exactly why my heart was beating so hard against my chest, so hard it hurt but in the best way. Sex with Aiden was just a chore, but as I watched Spencer’s hands drift to the hem of my shirt, and his eyes flick up to me, I realized that it was a privilege, and Spencer was asking permission to enjoy it. I nodded, and his large hands hooked under the fabric, and slid it carefully up my body. 

I sat up, my eyes never leaving his as he pulled it off and tossed it to the side, his hands making quick work of the bra and tossing it aside now. When Spencer began to stare, I realized he had never seen me fully naked… in fact, he really hadn’t seen much of me at all. I bit my lip, letting him stare as I reached for the end of the t-shirt he was wearing, having pulled off his dress shirt in the living room. 

When his chest was exposed to me, I ran my hand down over the planes of his skin, stopping only momentarily on any scar or imperfection I found, trying to commit them to memory. When my hand landed on the one by his neck, he dipped his head down pulling my attention away from it with a kiss. My hands changed course, cupping his face as his hand braced by my ear, his left hand drifting down to my leg… where there was a new addition. 

I hissed at the unfamiliar and new pain and he stopped, pulling his hand away to continue elsewhere. He only hesitated a moment before it dragged along my stomach and rested under the skin of my breast tickling the sensitive flesh there. I arched, giggling quietly against his lips, which made him smile and kiss me again. “You know, this is more what I had in mind.” He said quietly, dipping his head down further to kiss along my neck and my newly exposed chest. 

“I’ll be honest,” I said interrupted by a gasp when his hand engulfed my right breast, and his teeth scraped against a sensitive point on my neck. “There are less whips and chains than I was expecting.” I teased, which only served to make him drop his head to my chest, bracing his forehead against my sternum as he laughed, deciding to kiss the end of the bone as he did. 

“Sorry to disappoint… next time.” He promised, giving me a wink as he slid down my body, my hands following as I played with his hair. When he knelt beside my bed, and pulled my legs until they hung over the bed I sat up nervously. He kept the eye contact as he looped his fingers under the waist line and tugged it down. 

“Spencer, wait.” He stopped instantly, looking up to me concerned. “I uhm…” He moved to stand, and understanding smile on his face but with a quick motion and a strong hand pushing him back to the floor (which earned me a look of warning, enough to make me shiver) I was shaking my head. “I… well… something’s changed.” He gave me a curious look and I giggled as I dropped my shoulders to the bed, lifting my hips to allow him to pull the fabric down and expose the SecondSkin bandage covering the still tender skin of my new tattoo. He paused, and when I looked up he was staring at it in awe. 

“When… when did you get that?” He asked quietly, his hand reaching out to touch it, but remembering my hiss of pain, didn’t make contact, just hovering above it. 

“Today.” I said quietly, looking down at him nervously. “Do… you like it?” He stared a moment longer before he climbed over me again, kissing me in such a way I gasped and giggled out of surprise. “Is that a yes?” 

“God you’re fucking perfect.” He nearly moaned and I smiled, biting my lip as he returned to his position on the floor. 

I watched him remove my leggings all the way until they too, joined my other clothes on the floor. I wasn’t wearing anything below that, mainly because there was no need, I was only going to bed, so when Spencer leaned forward, kissing both of my knees, before placing a kiss just below my belly button, I arched, the feeling of his hot breath crossing over my center almost overwhelming. 

He licked a long strip up my center, and I arched again, fisting both my hands into my comforter, as he did it again. In the back of my mind, I prayed that I wouldn’t look over to see Daisy watching me, but when I remembered she was asleep in her bed in the living room, I calmed, even laughing at the image a moment. Spencer nipped my inner thigh and I yelped, my startled eyes turning to meet his serious ones. Ahh yes, there it was. I whispered my quiet apology to his unsaid demand and he rewarded me by kissing the mark he just made. 

He fully invested himself then, pushing my hips up with his hands under my ass, forcing me still as he used his shoulders to keep my legs open. I tossed my head back, letting out a whine when he latched himself fully on to me, sucking my clit into his mouth expertly as his tongue darted out to flick against it. I was shaking in moments, not used to such feelings. Aiden hated giving, but loved receiving. He would eve- NO. Stop it. Stop thinking about him, he isn’t worth it. 

I groaned louder, arching my back up when he switched to teasing the entrance, licking quick circles around the bundle of nerves at the apex before returning to his ministrations. I swore and I heard him chuckle before I felt one of his hands leave from under me and instead felt a pressure on my entrance as he pushed one in easily. He followed it quickly by another, crooking them both until I was a squirming mess under him. “Spenc-Spencer.” I panted, changing my grip from the sheets to his hair and pulling insistently. He obeyed, crawling back up me and connecting his lips with mine. At first, I was repulsed by the idea of tasting myself, but when his tongue inserted itself into my mouth I couldn’t help but groan, the fire only being fanned by the action. “I.. I don’t wanna come on your fingers… need.. Need you.” I panted out again and I saw him nod before he was returning to a standing position and feeding his belt through his pants. 

Impatient, I sat up, making quick work of his button and the zipper before he pushed me back to the bed with a hard shove and the air left me in a whoosh as I stared up at him defiantly. He gave me a look, as if daring me to question him. He waited until I dropped my gave submissively to continue taking the article off, pushing both his pants and the boxers he wore off, toeing off his shoes and pulling off his mismatched socks. I smiled at the strangely him clothing choice, and he returned it, keeling on the bed with one knee between my legs as he braced himself above me. “Have I ever told you how beautiful you are when you smile?” I blushed, looking away before I remembered myself and returned to meet his eyes. There was a sparkle of pride in them when I did and I felt my heart flutter. 

“You might have mentioned it…” I teased, pulling him in for another kiss. There was no rush to our actions, though our bodies may have disagreed, we took our time, exploring the other and feeling what made them tick. He had a certain spot on his back that when I dragged my nails down it, his spine buckled and he moaned. Only when I did it one too many times did he grab my wrist and pin it to the bed, answering my teasing with some of his own, when he realized that there was a spot just below my right nipple that when he bit it my eyes would roll back in my head. 

By the time he reached between us to line himself up, we had spent the better part of an hour torturing each other. I was a shaking mess, and it only worsened when he finally pushing forward, slowly entering me, both of us savouring the feeling. Spencer stopped, overwhelmed from both the teasing and the rawness of our emotions, once he was fully seated within me. I was panting, holding him to me to keep him from moving my end already too close for comfort. He buried his head in my shoulder and I did the same, my lips beside his ear as I tried to catch my breath. 

Spencer shifted, trying to get more comfortable and hit a spot that made me cry out. He groaned, turning his head to press a kiss to my cheek. “You really need to not make noises like that… I can’t be gentle if you sound like that.” He growled and I smirked, shifting myself to force the noise from my own throat again. 

I combined the noise with my words. “Who says I want you to ah- be gentle?” I retorted, and I was answered by a sharp thrust against that spot, forcing the wind from my lungs as I realized that a purposeful thrust against that spot was borderline painful. It didn’t hurt, yet. Instead it just made my toes curl and my brain short circuit for a moment. 

“You might want to rethink that statement.” He replied his voice the same as it was at the club during our first class together. I swore, trying to hide the sound in his skin, but since that skin was just beside his ear, it only spurred him on and he pushed himself up to be above me, methodically pulling both of my hands from around him and bracing them above my head on the bed. He pinned them with one hand, his other coming to gently cup my chin, drifting down to press against the column of my neck. I gasped, tilting my chin up to allow him more room as I stared him down. 

His pupils widened, and I watched as he shifted from the quiet, shy man I was growing to adore, to the dominant, almost cruel man I let manhandle me, who I was already enraptured by. Using his grip on my hands to steady him, he lifted the hand from my neck and instead braced it beside my head, his wrist inches from my neck, the veins popping out as he tried to contain the urge to hurt me in the best ways. 

Instead, he pulled back, bumping that spot as he did until he slowly thrust back in. The control he had to not slam back into me was something that scared me more than it tortured me. He had the control of a saint, but the mind of a demon, and I was at his mercy. The thought made my breath hitch loudly and he smirked down at me. “Plea-please… Spe-Sir,” I corrected. “Please I.. ca..can. I need..” He raised his eyebrows, pulling out only to repeat the motion, my mind unable to form a coherent thought let alone speak. 

“I’m sorry, only good girls who form full sentences get any rewards.” He said, in a way that made it seem like he was genuinely sorry for my lack of brain power at the moment. Evil. 

“Please!” I cried, canting my hips up to try to entice him but he didn’t budge, in fact, he stopped moving entirely until I returned to my previous position and stopped squirming. “Please, I want it so bad.” Was all I could manage to say, my eyes trying to stay open despite the nearly painful build up starting. 

He rewarded me with speeding up the time between thrusts only slightly. But from the way his fist gripped tightly to the bedsheet by my face I knew he was starting to struggle. I continued chanting praises, none of them real words, just groans and moans that resembled something like his name and begging. He finally relented, not wanting to put up the charade any longer lest he torture himself anymore. 

He released my hands, but I didn’t move them as he pulled out of me, turning me in one movement onto my stomach, and grabbed a pillow from the top of my bed, sliding it under my hips before reentering me and taking my upper arms in each of his hands. Using them as leverage he quickly brought me to the edge, tossing me over with no pretense once, and quickly bringing me up moments later for a second one, the build up masked by the ripple effects of the previous orgasm. 

The only sounds leaving me now were the sound of air being forced out of me with each collide of his hips against mine. My head dropped forward, but he pulled me up, resting my head back on his shoulder as one of his hands circled down and around to rub quick circles in tandem with his thrusts. I tried to curl around, over my own hips, but he forced me to stay upright, the tension from the restraint intoxicating. “This time when you come, you’re going to say my name. You’re going to scream it, and you’re going to keep coming and keep screaming until I think you do it right.” I nodded furiously, but he didn’t like that, and a quick slap to my clit had me yelping. “No, you respond correctly.” He growled, returning to his role easily. 

“Yes! Yes, Sir. I understand.” I panted out, trying to catch the climax that he was somehow keeping from me despite the fact I was so on the edge it hurt. He latched on to my neck and that’s what sent me over, his name falling from my lips in such a pronographic sound that even he couldn’t contain the groan and the obvious stutter of his hips. 

“Again.” He ordered, pulling me back up from where I had fallen forward. It took less time this time, a loud long groan escaping me in the form of his name. This one satisfied him and as soon as he felt the last tremors starting to subside, he pulled out, the sound of skin hitting skin as he finished himself over my back, his own groan echoing my own. 

I felt the heat of his chest on my back as he leaned down, trailing kisses over my shoulders and up my neck before it was gone all at once. I didn’t move, still spent on the bed until I felt him return, leaning on the end of the bed and a warm wet cloth dragging down my back, collecting the mess he had made. I heard him toss it into the laundry, and then I felt him carefully pull me up by an arm around my waist, bracing his hand on my chest as he pulled the pillow out, returning it to the top of the bed carefully. He then laid me down, on my stomach and I heard him shuffle, then the sound of my dresser opening, and then he returned, carefully turning me over to face him. 

I gave him a bleary smile, bringing my hand up to cup his face. “I’ll give you all the cuddles you want in a second, just sit up for me.” I obeyed, and he slipped the oversized t-shirt over my body, and when my head returned from the hole I grinned at him. “Hi.” He said, kissing my nose. 

“Hi.” I replied, wrapping my arms around his neck before pulling him down with me to the bed. He had put boxers on at some point, which I found made me disappointed, he caught my frown and smirked, kissing my nose again. 

“You’re insatiable.” He teased with a laugh and I just pouted. 

“Don’t act like this isn’t your fault.” I shot back and he smirked, sitting up and pulling the sheets out to allow us to slip under them, which we did, and he wrapped an arm around me, fulfilling his promise to cuddle me. I entwined my legs with his, hooking mine around his in a vice like grip. He didn’t mind, returning the favour by holding my hips tightly against him. 

We sat, breathing each other’s air for a moment, and just when I thought he might have fallen asleep he spoke. “You’re not mad that I didn’t tell you?” He said quietly, his eyes opening to watch my reaction. 

“Not really. Spencer, we’ve talked about this, we share what and when we’re ready to… anything else is a privilege to know. I don’t care that you were in prison Spencer, I said that. My brother served 7 years in prison for Arson.” He seemed surprised, but he didn’t flinch like I expected him to. “And if I can love him then I can-” I stopped, both of us knowing where my brain was going. “Then I can accept you too.” He smiled, pressing his forehead to mine. 

“I was so afraid to tell you, I was so scared you would hate me, or worse.” I laughed, moving my head to kiss his forehead. 

“Spencer, trust me, my family has no room to judge anyone.” I smiled, my eyes drifting to the frame where my father’s picture was -thankfully facing away from the debauchery that just happened in the bed- sitting. “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did earlier. I didn’t want you to know I was at the police station because I didn’t want you to know I was scared.” I felt his brow furrow under my chin. 

“Because of Keith?” He asked, almost spitting the name. I shook my head. 

“I don’t trust cops.” I said, feeling him tense under me. It was such a shame how quickly those wronged by the system could learn to hate it. “I didn’t want to report him because in my gut I knew that nothing would come of it, and I was right. They won’t press charges against him.” I felt I owed him an explanation, he had revealed so much about himself, the least I could do was give him some answers too. 

“Let me guess, the consent and concern portion?” I nodded. “I told Desiree we needed to reword that.” He growled, kissing along the exposed flesh of my chest, trying to calm himself. I pat the back of his head absentmindedly. 

“There.. There’s something else.” No more secrets. He paused, tilting his head up to meet mine with a serious look in his eyes. “I uhm.. I lost my job.. Because of Keith, and.. Uhmm.” I sighed. 

I felt him smirk against my skin and he pulled me closer to him. “I know.” 

“How the fuck did you know?” This earned me a firm slap on my rear and I glared at him. 

“Watch your language.” He said, actually making my heart stop at the tone… me likey. “You can’t hide things from me (Y/n), I knew the moment I called you on Tuesday. You sounded upset, and you normally work until 3:45, and don’t generally answer your phone from then until you get home and shower by 5. When you answered almost immediately at 4, I knew something was up. Then you hesitated when you told me about your boss, and eventually, you said ‘was’, instead of is. Which is past tense.” I felt him smirk when he heard me scoff.

“Sociologist?” I asked suddenly, and he laughed out loud, shaking his head as he pulled me down to kiss me properly. 

“No.” He replied, silencing my protest to tell me with a kiss again. “So you’re going to ask me for help if you find yourself short on money right?” I tensed, my eyes opening wide only to see him watching me carefully and seriously. 

“No.” I echoed, shaking my head and trying to push away from him. “Spencer, no I’m not going to ask you for money.” I defended, and his face softened. 

“(Y/n), trust me, I know that feeling, and I’m not saying it to entrap you or anything, if you find yourself completely out of options, you are going to ask me for it, not before, and not after understood?” His voice was serious but his eyes were kind. I couldn’t help but nod and sigh. 

“Okay.” I said finally, and he kissed me again, and I only partly reluctantly returned it. “But I won’t like it.” I replied childishly, and he laughed again, curling me against him as he took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. 

“Mm, I feel like that’s going to happen a lot with the things I make you do that are for your own good.” I rolled my eyes, and he lifted a hand off my rear, giving me a warning look and I shook my head, apologizing quickly, trying to avoid the hand, my only escape blocked by his body. Instead of the smack he came and gripped a handful of skin that happened to be the cheek of my ass, the grip bruising. “That’s what I thought.” 

“You’re mean.” I shot back and he just winked. 

“You have no idea.” He countered and I had to force myself not to grind against him. “Now go to sleep, I’ve had a long flight and I’m tired.” He replied, the only thing contradicting his words, his lips curling into a slight smirk and one eye opening to watch me. I obeyed, settling into his embrace easily, the two of us drifting off to sleep much at the same time, our breaths mingling until you couldn’t tell one from the other.


	18. U Move, I move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An early morning call brings a harbinger of doom.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ficEze_Th1s

Spencer woke with a start, the sound of cars absent from the air. He kept his eyes closed a moment longer, listening, and when he heard the sound of quiet talking, he stilled his breathing to try to hear through the walls. (Y/n) was speaking quietly to someone, her voice just barely a whisper as she tried not to yell. 

“What do you want me to do about it?” She said exasperated. “No, I can’t just come back. I have a life here.” He could almost see her rubbing her forehead in anger. “Of course I love him, Avery.” His heart dropped against his will, and he tried not to think the worst about a clandestine call at- he turned, glancing at the clock on the wall. 6am… “You know that isn’t fair.” She said, her voice toeing on tearful. “Fuck! Fine.” She did yell this, and Spencer sat up, unable to stop himself from reacting to the concerning conversation. “When?” he asked, and he heard her sigh as he quietly extricated himself from the bed and padded quietly to the door. He pressed his ear to the wood and gently placed his hand on the door, pulling it open quietly. “I can’t be there until the 15th.” She said, turning to look at a calendar on the wall. 

Spencer’s eyes drifted to it as well and he saw how her calendar was marked bi weekly with dollar signs, fridays had a red L on it, and there were times, which were now crossed out. Those must have been her hours before she quit. Spencer’s eyes returned to her as she approached it, and he analyzed her posture. Her shoulders were up and tight, signaling discomfort. Her hand was fiddling with the hem of her shorts, anxiety, and she was bouncing on her feet, discomfort manifesting in a need to move. He sighed, opening the door fully, flinching when it creaked, and she turned quickly on her heel to see him watching her with concern. 

Her eyes went wide and she stammered into the phone, fear? At being caught, or that she woke him up? “Look, I have to go. Yes, I love you too, no… Avery… Stop. I know! Jesus.” She hung up the phone angrily and placed it on the table, bracing her hands on the surface as she hung her head, her hair falling over her shoulder despite being held back in a messy ponytail. 

“(Y/n)?” Spencer called, giving her a curious look as he stepped out into the living room. Daisy was pacing back and forth between (Y/n) and the table, her ears pointed towards the woman and her tail (though non-existent) was drooping. “Everything okay?” 

“Yep.” She responded too quickly, her eyes closed tightly and her fingers gripping the table. 

“Please don’t lie to me.” He begged, taking the last few steps he needed in order to place a hand on her shoulder. She flinched for a moment, and then relaxed, turning into him and burying her face in his chest as she wrapped her arms around him tightly. 

“Hi.” She said quietly, essentially trying to restart the conversation. 

“Hi.” He repeated, hugging her tightly before he tilted her head up to face him and gave her an expectant look. “What’s going on?” He asked, anxiously hoping that she wasn’t about to tell him about a lover, or worse, a marriage he was homewrecking. He ran the memories back, trying to find any signs of such a thing, but there were none, and the lack of ring or even the remnants of one on her hand quelled his fears more. She took a deep breath, breathing in what remained of his cologne. 

“Family issues.” She replied with a sigh, tilting her head back to look up at him without his help. “I really don’t want to think about it.” She said honestly, and he smiled, dipping his head down to kiss her and she responded happily, humming against his lips. “What do you want for breakfast?” 

“Besides you?” She blushed and he smirked, kissing her deeply again. He almost convinced her to return to bed with him, but she pulled away, and pushed him away from her escaping his grip. 

“Now who’s insatiable?” She replied, giving him a pointed look as she made her way into the kitchen and pressed the button on a coffee maker, her hand absently pressing play on a speaker and soft music filled the room. The motion was practiced and do wholesome that Spencer had to take a moment to take in the scene. “Spencer?” She asked quietly, tilting her head curiously. 

“Sorry,” She smiled, shaking her head at him as she disappeared behind the fridge door. “What do you want to make?” Her head popped up and her eyebrow arched, which made him stutter and rub the back of his head nervously. “I mean… what can I help you make?” 

She raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘that’s what I thought’ and once again returned to the fridge. “Croque Monsieurs?” She asked, her eyes lighting up at the confused look on Spencer’s face. She pulled out eggs, thick slices of ham, cheese, and bread, placing them all on the counter. “Here,you get the pan ready and I’ll make the french toast, okay?” He nodded, and moved around the counter as she opened a spice cabinet and placed down cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, and pepper on the island. 

Spencer immediately got to work heating up the pan as he heard her muttering behind him as she mixed the ingredients together. His heart leapt to his throat when he heard that she was singing along to a song on the radio. Turning to look at her, he watched as she expertly dipped the bread in the eggs, then dropped them without fear onto the pan he had just readied. He understood from her motioning with the spatula that he was in charge of the cooking while she made another 5 slices of toast. 

Working in tandem, they would drop one into the heat, and lift another on to a cutting board, where (Y/n) would lay a slice of white cheese on the bread, top it up with ham, and then return it to a second pan to combine them into a breakfast version of a grilled cheese. Once it was done, (Y/n) would remove it from the heat, take out a shaker of confectioner’s sugar and then cut it down the middle. Doing this twice more, Spencer, having completed his jobs, acquired the syrup from the fridge, and placed down two sets of cutlery. Then he retrieved their coffees, dropping a spoon of sugar and a splash of cream into hers while taking his black. When she turned, and saw her coffee steaming and ready, he watched in offended shock as her eyes drifted to her cup and then back to him. She looked at him like she had never had someone do that for her, and he wanted to strangle whoever came before him and didn’t treat this woman like the incredible being she was. 

Came before him? Did… was he thinking of her as his girlfriend? Is that what she wanted? She had only just ended her relationship with her previous boyfriend just over three months ago. The whole reason he had abstained from making any real advances towards her was because he didn’t want her to think of him as a rebound, but the way she looked at him last night, and the way she was looking at him now… what did it mean? The thoughts vanished when she slid into the seat beside him and laid her head on his shoulder a moment in thanks before she turned to look at him excitedly. 

He took that as his cue to pick up the sandwich and dip it into the syrup, before taking a bite. It was fantastic, not that he was surprised, but when he watched her face light up and her eyes sparkle with a childlike joy at the fact that he enjoyed the breakfast they had made, he promised he would do whatever he could to see that happiness in her everyday. She dug into her own breakfast at that point, and the two of them shared the comfortable quiet of an early Virginia morning, listening to her music as the rays of sun started their slow ascent up her walls. Daisy had calmed considerable, and was sitting below Spencer’s feet, her tail stub wagging happily. 

*~*~*

I watched Spencer carefully from my chair, he was eating quietly, one hand on my thigh where his thumb was brushing back and forth absentmindedly. For a man who didn’t like to shake hands, and had such an issue with germs, he likes touching me… maybe there was something about me that he knew I was clean… or maybe my presence calmed his nerves enough where he could forget about it. I liked to think the latter, considering not once when I was with him did I feel the need to pick at my hands or chew my lip. We calmed each other’s anxiety so well. But even he couldn’t help me right now, the call with Avery still making my heart jump and skip whenever I thought about it. 

The third time I winced when I picked too hard or bit my cheek too far Spencer turned, taking both my hands in his and held them rightly. “(Y/n)?” I looked up at him, surprised, and he smiled gently. “Are you okay? You are exhibiting signs of an anxiety attack.” He said matter-of-factly. 

“I am?” Is that what that was? I thought it was just a way to calm my mind but I suppose there had to be a reason my mind needed calming… right? “Sorry.” I added, pulling my hands from his and tucking them under my thighs. Spencer didn’t like that one bit and I watched nervously as he sat back in his chair resting his elbow on the counter as his hand rubbed his chin. 

I knew he wasn’t angry at me, at least, I didn’t think he was, and he confirmed this when he leaned forward and kissed me gently. “I wish I could undo all that.” He said quietly, only confusing me more, he felt my forehead furrow and smiled, kissing me again. I returned it this time, my lips even chasing his when he pulled away. “Whoever told you that your feelings don’t matter.” my heart dropped, and I could tell by his face that he knew. 

I wanted to scream at him in that moment. I wanted to tell him exactly what I was told, how I was treated, but none of that seemed to matter because none of that would change anything. I was still the youngest, I was still the oldest daughter, I had to pick up the pieces after my dad died, I had to raise myself, I had to grow up at 16. I was 25 now, and no amount of wishing was going to undo it. So instead, I just wrapped my arms around him and buried my head in his shoulders, feeling his undershirt bunch in my hands as I gripped it. 

His arms enveloping me and holding me said everything I didn’t want him to voice, that he knew that feeling, that he could see the struggle and pain that I had gone through, and no doubt, when he picked up that picture he could see the spaced out look in my mother’s eyes, the anger in Jameson’s, and the detached disinterest in Avery’s, I kept the picture because if I drank enough I would almost believe the smiles on their faces were real. Spencer kissed the side of my head, brushing his hand down my hair comfortingly. 

“Come on, let’s go take a shower.” I nodded, pulling away. 

“You can go first.” I said, looking to the dishes that needed to be done. When his hand turned me back to face him I blushed. 

“No, you’re going to join me.” There was a smirk on his face and his eyes were sparkling with mischief. “Water bills are so expensive.” He added, winking as his hand drifted down to it’s favourite spot just below my chin resting on my neck. I bit my lip, my eyes already starting to drift closed. 

“Is that an order, Sir?” I asked, trying to match the mischief in his eyes with that of my own, but if I was honest, I could never compete with him, my own mind melting into submissive bliss the moment his voice changed octaves, or his hand tightened its grip like it was doing now cutting off the blood flow for a moment. 

“You’re damn right it is.” He replied, his pupils already blown wide as his chin tilted down, forcing me to fully meet his gaze as he released his grip, my head swimming. “Go.” He said suddenly, letting go of my neck and turning my chair. I scurried to obey, jumping up from my seat and trying to calmly-but quickly- make my way down the hall and into my bathroom. I could hear the clinking of plates as he deposited them in the sink. 

I started running the water, the old pipes in the building taking a moment to creak to life and even longer still to run warm. In the meantime, I opened the linen closet and pulled out three towels, placing one on the side of the vanity and the other two on the toilet. Just as I was reaching up into my medicine cabinet to grab a new razor, Spencer entered the bathroom, his hands landing on my hips as he pressed his chest against my back, pinning my hips to the vanity with his own. I sucked in a breath, bracing myself on the counter as he reached above me to grab the new razor that I was struggling to reach. 

He placed it on my pile of towels, but didn’t move from his place behind me. I felt his hand in my hair and then he was pulling back on it, forcing my eyes to meet his in the mirror. I hadn’t realized that I had averted them, the sheer power he held in his gaze scared me some times, but I loved it. “Thank you, Sir.” I said looking at the razor before meeting his eyes again. 

“Hands on the mirror.” Was his only response. I immediately did so, his tone familiar in some ways, but at the same time, so new. I felt no need, nor want to disobey, almost fearful of what he’d do if I did. My breath started coming in huffs when I felt him move away from my body and his hands roughly grabbed my shorts, accidentally grabbing some skin as he did. I yelped in pain, shuffling away from him for a moment before returning to the previous position. I heard him humm in approval. The next moment, my shorts were around my ankles. “Step out.” He ordered again, and I did so quickly. “Good girl.” My head dropped at that and I had to take a few breaths to steady myself. How he could get me to react with just his voice was halfway impressive and halfway annoying as fuck. I wanted to know how I could do that. 

I looked over my shoulder at him as he retrieved my discarded clothes and deposited them in the laundry hamper. How nice. Not a moment later, his face was in mine and his hand was around my neck. I choked at the sudden obstruction and my eyes flew wide. “Did I say you could look at me?” I shook my head, unable to speak, mouthing the words he wanted to hear. “So why did you?” Again, he wasn’t looking for a verbal response, so I just responded with a wanton whine. “Turn around.” I faced back towards the mirror, my breath coming in greedy gulps once he let me go and I heard him moving, and then the sound of fabric hitting the ground. 

He was behind me moments later, and I felt him half-hard against my rear. I didn’t dare meet his eyes in the mirror, instead my voice came out in a demure whisper. “May I look at you, Sir?” I felt his lips against my shoulder, kissing gently only to nip at the skin when he felt me relax. 

“And why do you want to do that?” He teased, his hands drifting down my hips over the curve of my ass then back up the front, over the planes of my abdomen, finally coming to rest under my shirt, feeling the weight of my breasts in his hand. My eyes drifted closed and I sighed, pressing back against him. I wasn’t able to move much but I took what I could get. 

“I want to see.” I replied, still not looking up in the mirror. 

“That is generally the use of mirrors, yes.” I rolled my eyes, and he somehow saw because I felt a hand leave my chest and press roughly between my shoulderblades, forcing my face onto the counter. “I thought I told you to lose the attitude?” He growled out, his other hand colliding with my left ass cheek in a hard smack, drawing a cry from my lips. “Don’t forget, we work tonight.” He warned, bringing his hand against me one more time. The thought of the punishments he could inflict with all the tools at his disposal in The Red Lounge made me rub my legs together, which he of course stopped with a knee between my thighs, observant bastard. But the warning was all too real, and when he pulled me up again and pressed his hips against mine, now fully erect I whined, defiantly meeting his eyes in the mirror. 

This was either precisely the right thing to do, or an action that should have me committed for a lack of self preservation. Most likely the latter, because suddenly I was flipped around, and lifted up onto the counter, one hand against my throat pushing me into the mirror, the other entering me with no pretense. He met no resistance, but still the action surprised me and I threw my head back, colliding with the wall painfully as he immediately focused both on the spot within me and my clit, the simultaneous and sudden pleasure stole the air from my lungs. 

My hands instantly clamped around his wrist and I choked on the lack of air to supply the moans that were trying desperately to come out. “I’m giving you one chance to behave before I lose my temper.” I met his eyes giving him a bratty smile and I saw his face break in excited glee before the dominant mask returned and he doubled down on my sex, bringing me close to the edge just to slow and make me fall back to a dull burn. He did this twice more until I was whimpering and silently begging him to bring me to the edge and let me fall. He refused, finally removing his hand from me and pulling me off the counter by my neck. 

My unsteady legs held me up once I reached the floor while he lifted my arms and pulled my shirt off my head. He removed his own shirt and then turned me, pushing on my shoulder to force me to my knees. The whole interaction had my head spinning but in the best ways and I was grinning up at him when his right hand fisted in my hair. 

We stared at each other a moment, the steam from the shower sticking to our skin and fogging the air. I watched as his chest rose and fell in calculated breaths before he tapped the side of my face with his free hand, a stern ‘Open’ his only command. I thought about disobeying again, but once more, that look in his eyes was just this side of frightening and I obediently opened my lips, closing them again once his thumb passed between them pressing down on my tongue. 

“You want to challenge me? Fine, now you face the consequences. Same rules apply.” I knew he was referring to the ones set when we met and I blinked to tell him I understood. “Good. Open.” I did, and the head of his cock replaced his thumb.I will never get used to the taste or feeling of sucking someone off, mostly because it is so counter intuitive, it doesn’t feel natural, and the overpowering musk of a man is something that unless you completely ignore it, will overwhelm you quickly. Unlike... other... men, Spencer was at least clean, or at least as clean as you can be without showering in 24 hours, and he let me get used to the feeling before forcing anything more. 

I braced my hands on his hips, but he quickly changed that, ordering that they be behind my back, with my elbows in opposite hands. The position was difficult, and I felt utterly exposed like this, which I suppose was the point. I hadn’t realized I had started rocking my hips until I felt him kick my legs apart with a sharp look of warning. I quickly followed directions, and he rewarded me with a gentle pat on my head. That was the last time he was gentle though, using my mouth as he wanted. 

I would be lying if I pretended I was any good at the act, and I would be lying more if I said I knew what to do, for lack of any- I hate to say ‘training’, but… training, I just tried to keep my teeth out of the equation, and keep my lips wrapped around him. The action must have been what he wanted because he groaned, and thrusted harder, hitting the back of my throat. I recoiled, pulling away and coughing. He allowed this, giving me a few moments to breathe before he tilted my head back to him. I could see from the concerned look in his eyes that he was worried he had hurt me, so I quickly apologized, and opened my mouth once more. 

The look of pride on his face made my heart flutter and my core clench. Thank god I had tile on my floor or I would be trying to get some interesting stains out of a carpet come the end of my lease. Spencer returned to the brutal use of my face, and sooner than I expected, I felt his hips stuttering. “Where do you want it?” He spoke through gritted teeth. I honestly didn’t know, so I just kept my mouth around him and watched in eager amazement as his eyes rolled back and his head tipped back on his neck.The next moment I felt him release into my mouth and I had to force myself not to gag as I swallowed. First time for everything right? 

When he pulled away, he was panting and I found that I was too, my heart hammering in my chest as he indicated with his pointer finger for me to stand. I did so expectantly, taking a step forward to kiss him. He dodged the motion by pulling my head away with a hand in my hair. I made a noise of protest and once again his eyebrow raised in a look of warning. “Oh, you think this is a give and take? No. I take what I want, and I give what I want, and I’m not giving you anything right now. Get your ass in the shower.” He ordered, turning me around and pushing me lightly towards the bathtub. 

I only hesitated for a moment, quickly moving to obey when he repeated my name in a deadly tone, that was the warning, after that I was earning punishments, and if the incessant ache between my legs was any indicator of how mean he could be, I wasn’t really eager to find out what a real punishment felt like from him. 

The water in the shower was hot and I hissed, turning it down to a more comfortable level as Spencer stepped in behind me. I froze, not really sure the protocol for this, I had never shared a shower before, and despite knowing that he had seen me naked many times, there was a different feeling now, more exposed, more vulnerable. I was nearly stifled by the feeling, and when he touched my side I jumped. 

He instantly dragged his hand down my back, the arrogant, demanding air he had occupied moments before washing away in the water, instead this was kind and caring. “Relax, that’s done.” I relaxed, realizing the scene from before was over, he dragged his lips across my shoulders once, before kissing the side of my neck in a chaste motion.I nodded, my shoulders dropping from their uncomfortable locked position. I saw him reach beside me for my body wash, and I rested my hand on his arm, ready to protest. “Please let me take care of you.” My breath hitched in my throat and I turned, facing him for the first time. 

There was a look in his eyes, something I both hated and wished he would never not have when he looked at me: Like I was something he could and would protect. For all the domineering, intense feelings he brought out when he was chasing our mutual high, there was this other side of him that for the first time made me feel seen by someone. I searched his eyes, trying to see past the deception, but when I found none, I nodded, turning back around and brushing my hair off my shoulder. 

I felt his hands spread the sweet smelling soap over my skin, making sure to cover my back before I felt his fingers drift up to my shoulders and press into the muscles there. My breath came out in a painful huff, and he let up some, but when he found the knot in my neck, he placed a hand on my chest to support me as he pressed against it. I bit my lip to stifle the half painful, half appreciative cry, but when he added a pit more pressure and I felt a pop the sound dissolved into a moan and a panting breath as he rubbed out the lactic acid that had built up. 

He did it again on the other side and by the time he found and dispelled all the knots on that side, I was a panting whining mess and the fire between my legs had only been heightened. It wasn’t fair how easily he could rile me up. But by the feeling on my lower back, he wasn’t wholly unaffected by the noises I was making. But, he did nothing about it, instead he pushed me forward and the water ran down over my back, washing away the soap. He turned me around and I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss. He returned it, a soft smile on his face. He once again reached behind me and I heard him pump some shampoo into his hand. His free hand tilted my head back by the chin and I closed my eyes, relaxing further into the ministrations of him massaging the shampoo into my hair. 

When he was done washing it out, and applying the conditioner into my hair, he pulled me out of the spray and replaced himself into it. This time, I reached for the shampoo and he gave me a look of curiosity. “You might have to kneel…” I trailed off, realizing quickly that I wouldn’t be able to effectively, let alone safely clean his hair on top of his massive body. He smirked, and when his hands landed on my hips to steady his descent, I had to force myself not to get excited. 

Once safely on his knees,I felt his hands circle around my waist and rest on the opposite hip hugging me to him. I smiled gently when I felt his forehead rest on my stomach, and I took that as my cue to begin massaging the soap into his long brown tresses. I started on the scalp, moving from the front to the back and then came back to coat all of his hair. I tilted his head back, and as I rinsed his hair, I examined his face. His eyes were closed, but his mouth hung slightly open. I had seen him relaxed, but that was only when he was sleeping, this was a kid of relaxed that only came from feeling safe, he looked young, younger than he already was, and I took a few moments longer than necessary to rinse his hair. He opened his eyes at that and I smiled, dipping down to kiss him quickly as I reached for the conditioner and repeated the process. 

He stood at that, and we both finished the process of showering, first letting me wash the conditioner from my hair, and then we traded places, allowing me to shave as he washed his hair out. He faced me as he cleaned his body, and it was then that my attention was drawn to the scars on his skin once more. He saw me looking and sighed. “Ask your question.” He said quietly, and my eyes darted to his and then back to the marks. 

“You don’t have to tell me.” I said instantly, using the comb in my shower to brush out my hair a bit. 

“Ask me.” He said again,running his hand through his hair a few more times. 

“What are they from?” I asked quietly, and he pointed to the one on his arm, a long gash, and then the one on his left leg. 

“I had to stab myself in prison to get into protective custody.” My eyes went wide.

“Why?” I saw my hands moving before I could stop them, and my fingers traced the white mark on his arm, which he held out to allow me to do so. 

“I was being manipulated, and people were trying to hurt me, I did what I had to do.” I nodded, and from the tightness in his voice, I knew this was difficult for him to talk about. “This one,” He pointed to the one on his neck. “Is from a gunshot.” I recoiled, my eyes wide. He smirked. 

“You are a lot calmer about that than I expected.” I retorted and he shrugged. 

“Not the first time, and probably not the last.” He grinned again when he saw my confused and semi-horrified expression. 

“What kind of Psychologist gets shot at?!” I exclaimed, crossing my arms. 

“I said I was like a Psychologist, not that I was one.” He replied, closing his eyes to wash his face. I took that opportunity to roll my eyes. “Saw that.” He replied, meeting my eyes just as I finished. I froze again and he just smirked, letting me have this one. 

By then, the water was running cold and we both stepped out, moving easily around each other to dry off and brush our teeth. Spencer excused himself, and returned a few minutes later with a duffel bag, which he produced a new outfit from and changed while I mustered the courage to rip off the SecondSkin bandage to replace it. 

Spencer watched me with an entertained smile as I hyped myself up in the mirror, finally ripping a few inches of it off, only to swear and smack the counter. “FUCK! That fucking hurts!” I finally gave up and returned to the bedroom, only to be joined on the bed by Spencer, who knelt before me, placing a hand on the bandage. “What are you doing.” He smirked, leaning forward and drawing me into a mind melting, toe curling kiss. I was distracted just long enough to forget about where his hand was, and next thing I knew, he was ripping it off in one go. It took a few seconds to register, but when it did I swore loudly against his lips, smacking his chest in a reactionary motion. 

He stood, tossing the bandage into the trash as he grabbed the cream and a new one. “See that wasn’t so hard, was it.” He teased, tossing the comment over his shoulder. 

I, on the other hand, was biting back tears. Though overdramatic, it wasn’t a not painful feeling, and I felt only a little betrayed. “You tricked me.” I retorted and Spencer returned from the bathroom, shrugging as he put the new bandage on the bed sheet, scooping some of the cream into his hand, letting the cool temperature of the cream soothe the skin. 

“Yes, I did.” He replied gently, the pain easing the more he paid attention to the area. “And look at that, you survived.” He teased, capping the cream and then opening the packet, applying the new bandage to the skin smoothing it on. I had to admit, it was a much cleaner job than I could have done. 

He stood at that and I found myself smiling at him as he washed his hands. Grace may think I have him wrapped around my little finger, but I was just as much his as he was mine.


	19. Girlfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who knew dog parks could be such a social hub?
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvRVYTg9tac

Spencer spent most of the day with me, he had braided my hair for me, and now we were sitting in the kitchen at the island, scrolling through the classifieds to see if anyone had any openings. I had filled out a few applications for some spots, but I wasn’t hopeful. “Why don’t you ask Desiree if they have any full time positions?” I considered this from my perch on the counter and sighed. 

“There isn’t much I could do, the club really only opens on the weekends aside from the members only hours during the week.” Spencer shrugged in agreement. “Maybe I should ask Grace if they are looking for a receptionist…” Spencer nodded eagerly, taking a sip from the lemonade I made him. 

“That’s a great idea.” At this point, Daisy started nudging his arm with her nose and he lifted it to look down at her. She whined and he smiled, patting her head. “Why don’t you call her while I take Daisy out.” I nodded gratefully and he gathered Daisy’s leash in his hand and she all but skipped after him and down the stairs. I watched them go with a warm feeling in my heart just as I pressed the number to call Grace. 

She answered almost immediately. _“Sup Chica? Everything okay?”_ She sounded concerned and I huffed a laugh. 

“Everything is fine, it’s healing great… I think, I had a question for you though.” I began to pace, not really one for asserting myself so much like this. 

_”Shoot.”_ She replied, the sound of her eating a chip making me snort a small laugh.

“Sorry to interrupt your lunch break.” She made a noise of dismissal. “Look, I was wondering if maybe you had any openings at the shop for a receptionist or something.” Grace sighed loudly and my heart dropped. 

_“I swear to god, you dropped into my life at the perfect time, I was legit about to call you. Yes. We need someone to take over the desk. We’ve been swamped this week and next week is looking much the same, if we can free up an artist and have someone else man the front, you would save our life. It will only be for like two weeks until we find another artist, okay?”_ The breath of relief that left me must have been heard from the other side of the phone because she made a sympathetic ‘awe’.

“That is more than okay.” I heard my door open and Spencer appeared letting Daisy off her leash just as I spoke. “You are a lifesaver Grace, I’ll see you tomorrow?” She agreed and hung up, just as Spencer gave me an excited-but questioning- smile, his thumbs rotating this way and that in a ‘Yes? No?’ motion. I nodded, grinning widely and he rushed forward picking me up and swinging me around in a hug. “You’re pretty excited about a temporary job.” I teased once he let me down, his hands still on my hips. 

“I’m excited that you have a job period! I could just tell how you were going crazy without one.” The fact he noticed something so subtle about me despite really not spending much time with me made my heart melt. “We should celebrate!” he added, moving away from me. 

“Spener, no we-” He gave me a look and I shut up with a happy smile, he was still trying to apologize for everything even though he didn’t have to. There was a nagging feeling in my head that maybe there was more to this story than he was telling me, but like we had agreed, there was a time and place to speak about our past, and right now, he had told me all he wanted me to know. 

“Get Daisy ready to go, and the three of us are going to the park.Make sure you take your bag for work, just in case we lose track of time.” I smiled, and when Daisy heard her name her tail started wagging while she politely sat on her bed, trying to act like she wasn’t about to jump up the second I grabbed her leash. 

I agreed, and while he went downstairs to get the car, I slipped on her collar and grabbed my work bag, retrieving her portable water bowl and a baggie of food, tossing it all into my purse. “Come on, Dais.” I called, and she skipped after me, sniffing at my bag where she could smell the food hidden inside. Spencer was waiting downstairs, and he had cleared the back seat of his car to give room for Daisy to jump in. He had laid down a blanket and once Daisy managed to get her massive body into the seat, I clipped her into the seatbelt and rolled down the manual window for her. 

Spencer once again opened my door for me and I slid into my seat, thanking him quietly. Once he pulled out of my driveway and we headed toward the city, I felt him take my hand in his and pull it to his lips, pressing a kiss to the backs of my knuckles. I turned to look at him, my eyes tracing his jaw and hair, trying to imagine him in prison. It kind of made me sad, thinking about how he must have struggled,a kind guy like him in a place like that? Dealing with the knowledge that he was accused of something so horrible? I squeezed his hand tighter on instinct. 

“What is it?” He asked quietly, glancing over at me a few times concerned as he drove. 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” he shifted in his seat. “And I’m sorry if I’m prying..” I trailed off, trying to give him the chance to tell me to stop. 

“Ask what you’re trying to ask (Y/n).” He said calmly, and I sighed, grasping his hand with both of mine. 

“It’s less of a question, more of a statement, or an observation.” He nodded stiffly. “When you…”Again I sighed. “I’m glad you made it out.” I said finally, and he froze a moment in confusion, then when the car rolled to a stop at a red light, his eyes met mine fully. 

“I’m glad you made it out too.” He replied, causing me to recoil back slightly, just as confused. The light turned green and he began driving again. I assumed he meant Aiden, but there was something else behind those words, like he knew that there was more to that story than I had told him. Here we both were, speaking in hypotheticals, trying to explain to the other how broken we were without admitting it to ourselves first. 

The rest of the drive was quiet, and Daisy had rested her head on the arm rest between us, panting and slobbering over my arm, I used a pile of napkins I had saved in my bag to clean it, apologizing profusely to Spencer who just smirked and made a comment about how it wouldn’t be the last time I had to clean his car. I glared at him, my face aflame and he felt me try to smack him because before I moved his hand was locked around my wrist. He wasn’t even looking at me the bastard but he was still 100% in control of the situation. I scoffed, and tossed the used tissues into the side of my bag. 

“You’re a sex addict.” I finally retorted and I heard him chuckle low in his chest as he pulled into a parking spot at the dog park. Once in park he turned, gripping my chin in his large hand and pulled me towards him for a kiss. He hovered just above my lips, not letting me get closer or pull away. 

“Well when I have a girl like you at my disposal how am I not supposed to think about fucking you against any solid surface?” He let my stuttering breath fan over his face before he pulled away, denying me the kiss I thought I was about to receive as he calmly exited the car and retrieved Daisy from the back.

I glared at his back trying to calm my rapidly beating heart and relieve the growing pressure between my legs, because of course he would get me wound up with just a few words right before I have to seem composed in public. I made a mental note to get him back for that some day… as if. 

I got out of the car and followed him moments later and I heard him click the lock button once he saw me coming up behind him. He had already entered the dog park and let Daisy out to run, which of course meant that Daisy was already halfway across the park making a b-line for the other big dogs. 

I made sure to keep an eye on her as Spencer and I made our way to a bench under a tree. “I’m going to grab some snacks, you wait here okay?” He said, depositing me on the bench and kissed me on the top of my head. I nodded, smiling at him gently. He paused a moment, just looking at me and then he dismissed himself, leaving the park and heading across the street to the 7/11. 

I watched him go to make sure he was safe before returning my attention to Daisy who was playing with a big brow German Sheppard. My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I grabbed it, seeing a text in the group chat. Jennie was telling a story about a horrible customer at her day job leaving a 6% tip on a multi hundred dollar business meal. Grace was just offering to key the guys car when I was suddenly hit with Daisy’s large dog body as she jumped up on me. Beside her was the massive German. I laughed, putting down my phone to greet them. 

“Daisy! Did you make a friend?” I pat her head before turning my attention to the German. 

“Roxy, no! Sorry!” Came the loud voice calling after the dog and I looked up to see an attractive man running up to me. He was probably over 6 foot, dark hair and beard topping off a fit and agile looking body. I smiled politely. 

“No worries!” I dismissed his worry, scratching the german’s ears as her tail wagged furiously. “I think Daisy just wanted me to meet her new friend.” I joked, giving Daisy some attention as the man came to retrieve his pup. 

“She’s yours?” I nodded, “She’s beautiful.”

“I’m fostering her now, but I’m trying to get approved to own.” He nodded. “What’s her name?” 

“Roxy,” He said, patting her head as she heeled behind his foot. “Daisy you said?” I nodded again. “And your name is?” He asked, extending his hand. I answered him politely, realizing that he was probably about to start flirting with me. 

“And you are?” I asked giving him a curious look, he wasn’t unattractive but I was cuffed… mostly literally as opposed to metaphorically, but I knew that Spencer was who I wanted, speaking of which, he answered my question as opposed to the man in front of me when he returned. 

“Luke?” Came his confused but terse reply. The man in front of me startled, looking up to Spencer and then to me, his face beginning to spread into a knowing look. 

“Spencer!” He exclaimed, patting Spencer’s shoulder, he knew Spencer well enough not to reach for a handshake, but also well enough that Spencer was okay with him touching him. I glanced between the men, an unspoken conversation happening before my eyes. 

“Uhm.. sorry, (Y/n), this is my co-worked Luke.” I smiled, dipping my head to him. “Luke this is…” We both paused, looking to each other for a moment, we had no idea what we were, we hadn’t discussed it at all. I think we kind of just assumed that the other knew our intentions. There was an awkward pause, which thankfully was broken by Luke. 

“Listen, I’d love to sit and talk but.. Uhm, Roxy has a date with the groomer.” He produced a collar from his back pocket and clipped the army patterned fabric around the German’s neck. Something told me that he didn’t need a leash on that dog, and when she followed behind him easily as he said his goodbyes told me that the leash was just to abide by the leash laws. 

Spencer didn’t relax until Luke was in his car, and even then, he was still stiff as he placed the bag of snacks down on the bench, Daisy already having taken off to play with a massive bulldog. “Spencer?” I asked, when he still hadn’t spoken to me. “Babe you okay?” The pet name seemed to have snapped him out of the trance he was in and his eyes locked on mine. 

“Yea…I uhm… I don’t like to mix my work and personal life.” he replied uneasily, and then he blinked a few times. “Did… did you call me ‘babe’?” My heart dropped and as I opened my mouth to apologize he smiled, quickly surging forward to kiss me. I froze a moment and then returned it, my shock making me take a moment.   
“Sorry, I didn’t… I won’t call you that if you don’t want me to.” I replied once he pulled away. 

“Don’t you dare stop calling me that.” He replied, giving me an only half serious look. I smiled a lovesick smile and kissed him gently again. I bit my lip as he pulled away and opened the bag producing the snacks. 

“Sour patch!” I cheered excitedly, taking the bag of extra sour candies he handed me. He then produced a cherry coke and I took it happily. 

“I couldn’t find any of the Moxie’s you like. I am convinced that gas station we found doesn’t actually exist.” He joked and I giggled around the rim of the coke I had just opened, it had been a very strange genetically named station, in fact it had spurred on a conversation about liminal spaces. I smiled at the memory. I didn’t need to reply, he knew from the appreciative look on my face that I didn’t mind. Instead, he relaxed onto the bench, a bag of cashews in his lap and a coffee in his hand. I turned, leaning my back against his side, grinning childishly when his arm came to rest around my waist. 

We sat in silence for a while before either of us spoke. The barking of the dogs and the quiet chatter of the people in the park melded with the giggling and laughing of the children in the playplace beside and all of this drowned out the noise of cars honking and city life. It was peaceful, I felt like nothing could hurt me, and with the comforting weight of Spencer’s arm on my body, I was quickly slipping into that dizzy headspace I felt whenever I let myself enjoy his attentions. 

“(Y/n)?” 

“Hmm?” 

He shifted, and I snapped out of that headspace quickly, sitting up as he turned toward me. I dropped my feet back to the ground and turned to him, tilting my head in curiosity, but secretly, my heart was pounding and I was terrified of his next words. He seemed to understand this, because he took both my hands in his and held them tightly, smiling gently. “It’s nothing bad, I promise.” I relaxed visibly, and nodded. “Well, seeing Luke kind of brought up a question I’ve been wanting to ask you.” My heart stopped and skipped a few beats, he was searching my eyes and I tried to beg him simultaneously not to ask and to just fucking say it. 

“Okay?” I said finally when he took a few seconds too long to finish the thought. 

“Well, I guess.. Will, will you-” The sound of a phone ringing made us both freeze, it took a moment for me to realize that it was my phone. I blinked a few times to rid myself of the surprise and then dug through my bag to answer it. 

“Desiree?” I answered, and I heard the woman on the other side let out a relieved sigh. 

_”(Y/n)!”_ She chirped and I saw Spencer’s mouth turn up in a slight smile. _“Listen girl, I know I do this to you a lot, but Jennie called out tonight, and I’ve been trying to find someone to take her place in Angel’s class tonight but I can’t, so if you would be the best person on the planet and be her submissive for the night I would love you forever.”_ My eyes instantly shot up to Spencer’s who only rose an eyebrow in question. He couldn’t hear the conversation on the other end of the phone, he could only read my facial expressions, which obviously just shifted into a worried and confused look. 

“Uhm.. I’d.. I have to ask Spencer.” I said, giving him a pointed look to say that I was accepting the proposition he was interrupted from asking. I saw his face spread into a wide elated grin, which I couldn’t help but return. 

Desiree gasped dramatically and squealed so loudly I actually had to move the phone away from my face. _“OH! Yes! Of course! Ask him, and then when you know just shoot me a text one way or the other. Oh my goodness, I’m so happy for you guys, can I tell everyone!?”_ I was grinning and her final comment made me laugh out loud. 

“Uhm.. yea I guess so.. But maybe not like… everyone?” She snorted a laugh but then agreed she would only tell friends… which meant the entire club was going to know by tonight, but then again, it was policy that relationships be public information so that no one had dynamic issues or beef with anyone. She cheered one more time before hanging up, wishing us the best of luck. I hung up, dropping my phone back in my bag. 

“What do you need to ask me?” He teased, an eyebrow shooting up into his hair line. 

“Well, Desiree has asked if I take Jennie’s place in Angel’s class tonight, as Angel’s submissive.” I prefaced, glancing down to where he had taken my hands again. “And I need to ask you… as my boyfriend..” I let the word hang in the air a moment, “If you are okay with that.” I looked up to him again and I was met with his pupils being blown wide. 

His hand came to brush hair from my face, but I realized when his hand rested on my shoulder, his thumb brushing against my neck what he was really doing. My own breathing got heavier against my will. “As only your boyfriend?” He asked tilting his head slightly, there was another question and title in there, one that he was hoping I would ask for. 

“Well, yes, but also, if you’ll have me as your Submissive, I have to ask you as my Dominant.” His smile grew impossibly larger, and before I could really understand what was happening, I was pulled into another kiss and his hand tangled in the back of my hair. I smiled against his lips and wrapped my arms around his neck. 

We both forced ourselves apart, remembered ourselves. The dirty looks from a group of older women made us laugh, and Spencer rested his forehead on mine. “Of course I want you as my Submissive, (Y/n). I would be honoured for you to give me that privilege.” I smiled pulling away from him to turn and lean against him again. “Of course,” He continued once I was comfortable, but from his tone I knew that I was both about to love and hate what he was going to say. “That means that you are going to have rules and punishments now, you realize that.” He added and I couldn’t help the bratty giggle that left me. 

“Rules are meant to be broken.” I retorted, a satisfied smirk leaving me as I tilted my head back to see him forced to contain and control the obvious urge to make me pay for those words. 

“Keep testing me and I’ll have Angel keep track of your behaviour too.” He warned and my stomach dropped once I realized what he was saying. He was promising that I couldn’t get away with anything, even with Angel- who from stories I had learned from Grace and Jennie, was just as, if not more strict than Spencer. I ignored the thinly veiled threat though and tilted my head. 

“So… can I say yes or no to Desiree desperately asking for my help?” I replied, fluttering my eyelashes innocently up at him. 

“Ask correctly.” He demanded, and the order settled deep in my tummy. 

I sighed though, blowing hair from my face dramatically, as if the act was so much effort. He gave me a look, I was pushing his buttons… good. “Sir, may I help Desiree tonight by acting as a stand in submissive for Miss Angel?” I asked, using the honorific that Angel did at the club. Spencer pretended to consider it for a moment then nodded once. I smiled, and pulled out my phone again to tell Desiree that I was able to. She sent back a disgusting amount of emojis ranging everywhere from the prayer hands to the heart eyes and for some reason a cowboy emoji? This girl was strange, but I loved her. 

*~*~*

The time came for us to go to work, and we had the time to return Daisy to my apartment and then get back to the club in plenty of time. When we walked in, Spencer kissed the side of my head before dismissing himself to speak to Desiree in her office, her now purple head poking out of the door once she heard him come in. 

I watched him go before trying (and failing) to calmly walk over to the bar where Grace, Angel, and Shelly were sitting. Shelly I had met only once, and she was also an artist at the shop where Grace tattooed. One look at my face and Grace was grinning. “Oh my god he finally asked didn’t he.” She asked, pausing in her drying of a glass. I nodded, my face going red. Angel squealed excitedly wrapping her arms around me.

“Finally!” She exclaimed, pulling away from me to kiss my forehead I batted her away and she laughed. Grace pushed a drink towards me, and I accepted it gratefully. There was still an hour or so before the club opened, and my class with Angel was still two hours away, so when she nodded to say it was okay I took a sip. I may answer to Spencer, but tonight, I also had to play by Angel’s rules. 

“What happened to Jennie?” Shelly asked, once she caught on that I was replacing her for the night. Grace and Angel looked between each other and then gave me a look. I understood instantly, she was still shaken up from seeing Keith, and probably didn’t want to deal with the regular Shitheads that came into the club. Fridays were notorious for fake doms and subs making issues. 

“She had a family emergency.” Angel supplied, which was good enough for Shelly, who glanced at her watch and quickly swallowed down the last of her drink, hopping up out of her chair to make her way into the back. She was in charge of laundry tonight -seeing as she was the only one who could lift the massive basket out of the washer without help- and from the beeping on her watch, the next load was done. 

We watched her go and I turned to Angel, raising my eyebrow in silent question. “She’s meeting with a Lawyer.” Grace answered, and I nodded. Good for her. 

“Restraining order?” I asked, and they both nodded. “I’ll drink to that.” I replied, lifting my glass, to which the connected their glasses to mine. Just as I brought it to my lips, I felt a hand on my back and then Spencer appeared beside me. 

“What are we cheering?” He asked kindly, smiling in thanks when Grace filled a glass with coke for him. 

“Jennie’s finally getting a restraining order against Keith.” Angel replied rolling her eyes at the name. 

“Fuck I’ll drink to that.” He replied, lifting his glass. “Maybe you should consider that too, (Y/n).” He said, giving me a pointed look that told me it was more of a command than anything. 

“Go through all that just to have a bunch of shitty cops make up excuses? No, I’m good.” I replied bitterly. His hand clenched on my back but I ignored it. Angel glanced between us, obviously seeing an expression on Spencer’s face that I couldn’t. 

“I don’t know, I’m considering it.” Angel added, giving a look to Grace who nodded. 

I scoffed. “You two saw how useless MPD was the other night, you really think they are going to do shit if he breaks it?” The girls sighed, knowing I was right. 

“Well, on to more fun things, Spencer..” Angel tilted her head to the side, and he nodded, releasing my back, brushing his fingertips over the exposed skin of my back as he passed to follow her to allow them to talk quietly. 

“Something tells me I should be concerned.” I joked, glancing to Grace once I was able to tear my eyes away from where the two of them stood in the corner, conspiring. 

“Oh trust me, you should be.” Grace teased, pulling down her collar to show a deep purple mark on her collarbone that made me go pale. She just laughed, shaking her head at me. We faded into pleasant conversation, but I couldn’t help but feel like Spencer was watching me. I checked over my shoulder, and sure enough, there he was, watching me carefully over the rim of his glass, a devilish smirk on his face.


	20. When You're Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filling in for Angel seemed fun at the start, but a triggering moment leads to tough conversations.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwCqA7hBTuE

When the club finally opened and Spencer was in his place for the night, which was, of course, as a floater between classes, I found myself strangely on edge. The conversation between him and Angel lasted about 20 minutes, and by the end of it, Spencer was all but burning holes into the back of my head as I helped Grace ready the bar and just helped set up the club in general. 

Angel came to collect me from where I was running food at about 8:30 Pm and I agreed, telling her I was just about to drop off this last plate to the table before I joined her in the green room. Walking into the green room, I was surprised to see the Angel was there, but so was Spencer. They were both waiting for me and I paused when I walked in, looking between them. Spencer’s arm lifted, and he gave me a kind smile, suspiciously I walked into the room, closing the door behind me. 

“This is neutral ground (Y/n), you know that, come talk with us for a second.” I relaxed, accepting his invitation and suggled myself into his side. 

“Spencer and I were just talking about rules and limits, it’s my understanding that you haven’t really explored them that much?” I shook my head. Angel nodded. “Okay, no worries, this is a Creative Bondage class, so there shouldn’t be anything more than what you’re used to. Same rules apply as always, safe words and such are the same.” Again I nodded. 

“Now, this is entirely up to you,” Spencer said, pulling me away from his side to look at me fully. “When you’re done with this class, are you comfortable with Angel performing the aftercare or would you rather I did it?” The question surprised me and I looked between them, confused. 

“What about you? What about your aftercare?” I asked, concerned. Angel smiled and looked to Spencer, who was nodding with pride at me. Her arm extended and she placed a hand on my shoulder. 

“I have Grace, don’t you worry about me. If you want it to be Spencer I totally understand.” I considered it for a moment, then nodded. She smiled, not offended in the slightest. If anything she looked relieved. We were friends, and the intimacy that came with aftercare was something that I think we both would rather our partners did. With that decided, Angel left the room to prepare the classroom, and I was left with Spencer. 

He sat on the chair across from the couch and with one finger crooked at me, ordered me without words to come to him. This was neutral ground, I knew that, but at the same time, I liked obeying his orders...most of the time. Spencer brought me up onto his lap and I curled into his side, comforted by the smell of his cologne which was slowly becoming my favourite scent, and the heat of his body. As much as the heat outside could get suffocating, the cold of the AC wasn’t super fun either. 

“You are a good friend for offering to step in for Jennie.” He said, brushing a comforting hand down my arm, repeating the motion over and over. “You never stop amazing me with your selflessness.” I couldn’t help but scoff a laugh. 

“It's not like I volunteered to take a beating for her, Spencer.” I teased, nerves setting in when I felt his hand still on my arm. “But thank you for the compliment.” I tried to soften my insolence with my addendum, but his hand didn’t return to it’s pattern of comfortable strokes. 

“Funny you say that.” He replied dangerously, and I felt my body go tense, I knew that tone. Last time he used that tone I was face first in my bathroom counter. “Punishments.” Shit. “Angel is not to give you any, but instead to report to me any infringements on our rules, and they are for me to meter out as I see fit, since we haven’t talked about them in our dynamic fully, they will be saved for a later date. That is, if you don’t behave tonight which I know you will because you are going to be respectful to Angel, isn’t that right?” I nodded quickly. 

“I promise I’ll be good tonight, Sir.” the use of the honorific in the greenroom solidified my point, and I felt his hand return to the calming up and down on my arm, I relaxed against him and he kissed the top of my head. 

“That’s my girl.” I felt a shiver trace up my back and we sat like that for a while longer until Angel opened the door to the Classroom. “Time to go.” He said quietly, and I only protested a moment, having gotten way too comfortable in his arms. He chuckled quietly and I reluctantly climbed out of his lap and followed Angel into the classroom, taking my spot to the side of the stage. Angel made her way to the front of the stage and the class quieted down after a moment. 

The green room door opened again and I glanced over to see Spencer walk along the side of the room. A few of the ‘students’ eyes followed him and I felt a smug satisfaction to know that his eyes were only on me. Oh shit. His eyes were on me. I watched as his eyebrows shot up to his hairline and his hand flicked in a motion that silently ordered me to pay attention to Angel. I took in a shaking breath remembering that this was not neutral territory, and if I was starting to see the “real” Spencer in a dominant role, I was hesitant to earn all his wrath so quickly. 

Just as I returned my gaze to Angel’s nearly silver hair she had turned to me and was extending her hand to me. I took it, my converse clad feet making me a good 6 inches shorter than her in her black bootie Pleaser heels. 

“This is (Y/n), she is going to be in place of Jennie tonight.” I waved lightly and felt a warmth in me spread when some people chuckled at the shy motion. “So, creative bondage.” Angel started, pointing with her free hand to the table, an order for me to retrieve whatever she mentioned next. “A lot of dynamics are casual in the sense that for whatever reason, having a chest of toys or a Red Room is just not a possibility.” there were a few chuckles from the crowd and awkward nods from a couple. I smiled to myself at the joke. “Or, you may be in a place where your tools aren’t with you! So. We make due.” 

“A pillow case is on every single bed, unless you’re my College boyfriend who for some reason decided that doing laundry was optional and therefore never done.” Again the crowd laughed and I took that as my cue to grab the black silk pillowcase from the table. I waited patiently to the side, waiting for Angel to motion to me to bring it to her. 

She did so with a click of her hands, and I eagerly handed it to her, curiously wondering how this would work myself. The made a circular movement with her finger still not looking at me and I did so facing towards the side of the stage area. “The case itself can be used in a few ways,” She turned to me at this. “Arms back.” I pushed my arms behind me slightly, trying to see behind me in the mirror propped up on the other side, I watched as she gathered the case together so it made a thin line, and then she placed this under my arms, looped both ends between my arms, and pulled it back through, a makeshift cuff. 

With it, she was able to guide me around, and she brought me forward,showing how she had a free hand, which she used to push my shoulder down, forcing me to my knees. She helped me down, making sure not to wrench my shoulders back as she explained how and why this was effective, answering questions from the crowd. I paid no mind, my full attention on Spencer who was leaning against the back wall of the room, one foot propped up on the brick, his arm crossed over his chest, his right hand rubbing his chin absently, no doubt his mind running away from him. 

Angel helped me back to my feet and placed me once more to the side. I waited patiently as she once again had me bring my arms behind my back and I felt her slip the case up my arms as if they were the pillow. She hooked the ends of the case over my shoulders and instructed me to try to wiggle. I did, and the case barely moved at all. I was surprised at how effective this actually was. She turned me away from the crowd and explained how if I was on my back, I would be immobilized. 

I felt her then pull the whole mess down to my wrists where she gathered the case in her hand. Similar to the first position, it was a cuff, but this time, my hands were secured into the fabric. “How you chose to use or alter this is really up to you, but its important that you make sure you’re not cutting off any of the important points on the body. Angel pointed out a few of the places, the joints, where certain arteries were, and then, while I was given the case to drop in the laundry basket, she explained the signs of nerve damage and what to look out for when doing bondage. 

When I returned she gave me a pleased smile and I dipped my head in thanks, glancing to Spencer who was nodding at me. The next object that was used just a regular man’s belt. Angel prefaced this with explaining the dangers of using a non-conventional item like this, and how you should always have something that can cut through it nearby. Again, she had me turn, and showed how you could use the belt to restrain someone by their forearms, upper arms, legs, and whatnot. It was all very interesting to learn, but knowing that generally, this would be happening to me, I made a mental note about what I did and didn’t like. By the end of the class I realized I would never be able to walk into a room without finding all the kinky uses for anything I saw. The thought occurred to me that when Spencer was in my apartment, he was most likely categorizing everything he saw with how likely it would be used on me. It made my heart pound to think about it. 

Come the end of the class, Angel spent the last 15 or so minutes taking and answering any lingering questions after telling me to clean up. I did so happily. The class was fun, educational, and luckily, easy. The dizzy feeling I was experiencing wasn’t as strong as it was with Spencer, and for that I was grateful. Not that Angel wasn’t a stunning woman- she absolutely was, but I was happily taken. 

That train of thought made me stop for a moment. I had only gotten out of my relationship with Aiden like four months ago, and here I was, in a relationship with someone else, and I had pretty well been sleeping with him for two weeks. My heart hurt at that moment. Was I easy? No, I wasn’t easy, just the relationship with Spencer was… right? I suddenly became clumsy and I shook my head, trying to right my head as I walked back stage, hanging up the toys that didn’t get used and didn’t need to be cleaned. When I dropped a set of cuffs for the third time, I felt tears prick my eyes and I slid down the wall, dropping my head onto my knees to try to force them back. 

How could I be so stupid!? Everything Aiden screamed at me in the apartment was true. I would sleep with anyone if it meant I would get attention. Of course he needed to go back with Melanie, I didn't give him any attention unless I wanted it back. I never paid any attention to him unless it benefited me. When I had gone away with my friends, he had called her to have some comfort because he was so concerned that I was sleeping around. That's who I am aren't I? Just some easy slut, working as one step under a high profile Prostitute. I didn't deserve Spencer, he was a better man than me. He had a real job, and from what I can figure out, he helps people. I'm just...

I felt arms on me only a few moments later. “Hey, (Y/n), shh baby, look at me.” I didn’t lift my head despite knowing it was Spencer. I didn’t want him to see my like this, the last thing my new boyfriend needed was to see me having a mental breakdown about my ex-boyfriend. Shit what kind of girlfriend was I that I was thinking about my ex so often. “Okay, I need you to just nod okay?” I reluctantly did. “Okay, did something happen you weren’t okay with?” I shook my head and I heard him sigh. “Is this about the same thing that was bothering you yesterday?” I shook my head furiously, this wasn’t about him! Oh god, how did I assure him.

“Spencer It’s.. no.” my voice was shaky and hoarse. 

“Can you look up at me please?” He said quietly and I forced my eyes to meet his. There wasn’t malice, which I don’t know why that’s what I was expecting, instead there was concern, but most importantly, there was understanding. “Hi.” He said quietly, brushing hair back from my face. 

“Hi.” I replied, my voice small, a water smile coming on my face. “Is this a subdrop?” I asked shakily, and I watched as his face softened and he nodded gently. “I don’t like it.” I replied, trying to laugh, which only caused him to drop his head as he laughed. 

“No, I didn’t think you would. Come on, can you stand?” He stood from where he was kneeling beside me and held out his hand to me. I took it gratefully and he helped me to my feet, wrapping me in his arms tightly for a moment before he lead me to a door I hadn’t noticed before and pushed it open, allowing me to enter the softly lit room that consisted mainly of a large couch and a lamp on a table, and a cooler. Spencer deposited me on the couch, and walked over to the cooler, grabbing me a water before joining me. 

By then I had calmed down and when he sat on the couch I curled into his side, still confused. “Why did I do that?” I asked, embarrassed. 

“Well, I don’t really know. You were fine during the class, and then I saw your body language change. When you didn't come back out I knew something was wrong so Angel signaled to me and I came to get you.” He replied, his hand returning to the calming motion on my arm. 

“I’m sorry.” I replied instantly, hating that I was causing so much trouble. 

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, whatever triggered you to respond like that, is 100% valid.” He affirmed, pulling me closer to his side. “Do you think you can help me figure it out?” 

I nodded, trying to think back to what made me react so harshly. “I.. I was thinking about… I guess… Uhm..” I couldn’t get my mind to work, I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn’t articulate it. 

“That’s okay, drink some and take your time.” I nodded, taking a sip of the water, the cold temperature helping me focus. 

“Uhm.. I was…” I flinched, anticipating his reaction to my next words. “I was thinking that I moved on too quickly after Aiden.” He didn’t laugh like I expected, or dismiss me. Instead, he slid to the floor, kneeling in front of me. 

“(Y/n), how you feel about your ex-boyfriend is important to me. If you don’t feel comfortable referring to me as your boyfriend, that is fine with me.” I could tell that that wasn’t wholly the truth and my skeptical look made him smile and sigh. “Okay, so maybe that’s a white lie.” I made a tsking sound and he smiled, genuinely. I was starting to feel better just by talking to him. “But I’m serious. If you don’t want to put a label, that is fine with me. I’m a patient man, I can wait.” My heart clenched at that and I leaned forward, resting my hand on his face. 

“Spencer, he means nothing to me.” I replied quietly. “He broke my heart and used me.” My hand fell from his face and his eyes followed it, his own hands enveloping it once it stopped. “I think I was worried you thought I was easy.” It was his turn to scoff in a teasing way. 

“Easy!?” He rolled his eyes. “I have never been a confident man when it comes to women,” He replied, falling from his dominant role and returned to the man who was my friend first. “But with you, my god.” He sighed, standing and sitting beside me again. “If you hadn’t have filled in the blanks and figured out I was asking you out, I never would have done it. I was so afraid you would say no.” My jaw went slack as I stared at him. 

“You thought _I_ would reject you?” He nodded, playing with my hand as he tried to avoid eye contact. Such a strange thing really, how fast he could go from this suave fabio to a young man with self confidence issues. “Spencer!”

“I mean it, (Y/n), you’re the most beautiful girl I have ever had the privilege of knowing, and I mean it when I said that I will wait forever for you to be comfortable.” He looked up to me again, his eyes wide and innocent. “Trust me, I’ve gotten good at waiting.” There was silence between us then, and I sighed, resting my head on his shoulder. He pulled me to his side, and we sat like that until I felt my hands stop shaking and my water was gone. Even then, Spencer insisted we wait a few more minutes, apparently he could feel my pulse jumping every now and again. 

The smirk and wink he gave me told me that he knew it was just because he was brushing against parts on my neck and side that tickled me and he was doing it on purpose. Eventually though, we did have to return to the main club, and as we left the room I turned over my shoulder to read the plaque, which said “Staff Only: Aftercare Room.”

Spencer led me back to the staff room, and Angel stood up instantly, worry on her face, but when Spencer lifted his hand in a calming motion, she nodded and sat back on the couch, Grace taking her hand and kissing it lightly. I smiled, making my way over to Angel to give her a hug. “Sorry for scaring you.” I said into her hair as she eagerly returned it. 

“I’m just sorry I triggered something.” I shook my head. 

“That wasn’t you, I promise.” She nodded, hugging me tightly again. No more words neede to be exchanged, so no more were. Instead we returned to our nightly duties, and the night was calm, in fact, I would honestly say it was boring. No one had to be kicked out, which was odd, but then again, ever since Keith was banned, it was almost like him and all his asshole friends fucked off to terrorize another club. 

Desiree found me about half an hour before the club closed, motioning me to follow her. I did so nervously, and she led me to her office, closing the door behind us. The stark white walls of the room were softened by a multitude of plants and soft lighting provided by lamps. She motioned for me to sit across from her, and I hesitantly sat, stiffly sitting in the seat as she took hers. 

“Okay, first of all, you aren’t in trouble.” I visibly relaxed at that and she smiled sympathetically. “I just kind of wanted to touch bases with you after what happened this week.” I nodded awkwardly. “Jennie told me what happened, and I wanted to hear your side.” 

“Keith showed up at my job, called me some names, left, and then showed up at Grace’s shop while I was getting a tattoo done.” I recited quickly, not really comfortable with how many people knew about this, I would much rather handle it myself, and with Shelly offering to turn his testicles into earrings I was sure I was going to have a support system regardless. 

“That’s what Jennie said too. She also said that MPD isn’t going to press charges.” I nodded angrily. “Well, I know this can be frustrating, but I need you to know that I take this kind of thing super seriously.” I smiled, nodding slightly. “So, Keith is banned from this club permanently.” Relief filled me. “I really suggest you apply for a restraining order though, because outside these walls I really don’t have any power.” 

I blushed and shifted in my seat, smiling to myself. “I think Spencer would skin him alive if he ever tried to get near me.” Her eyes lit up and she rested her elbows on the desk, leaning forward to wiggle her eyebrows at me. She quickly transitioned from boss to friend and I couldn’t help but laugh. 

“How’s that going by the way? I can’t help but notice that he looks at you like you set the moon and paint the stars.” The poetic words were strange coming from this rainbowfish of a woman, and I sighed. 

“It's in its early stages, Desiree.” I replied cryptically, biting my lip to keep from smiling like a total idiot. “But I’m happy.” I added, which only made her squeal and pound her feet excitedly. 

“I can tell. Let me know if you need anything…” She smirked. “Just a reminder that staff gets free use of any of the playrooms.” Desiree leaned back in her chair playing with a feather pen as she gave me a knowing look. I rolled my eyes, taking her action as an invitation to leave. I stood, my hand gripping the door as I shot over my shoulder. 

“Good Night Desiree!” She echoed my words, and I made my way down the hall of the club to enter the main bar area to see the lights had been turned on and all but a few of the patrons had made their way out, the remaining few being regulars that were just saying their goodbyes. I grabbed a broom on my way and began sweeping from the hallway to help out Shelly. She gave me an appreciative look and I returned it with a smile. 

Spencer appeared from the lounge area with a bustray full of dishes and as he passed me he tried to sneakily give me a once over to check on me. I caught him and sent him a reassuring smile which made him visibly relax as he disappeared into the kitchen with his tray of glasses. 

*~*~*

Spencer knew the moment he walked into the BAU that monday morning that Luke had told everyone that he had met the girl that had Spencer wrapped around her finger. He could tell because they all were gathered around JJs desk, and they all turned at once when he entered, big smiles on their faces. 

“You know, for people who are supposed to be secretive none of you are very good at it.” He commented, walking past them to put his coffee and bag down at his desk. 

“Luke says she’s beautiful!” Spencer couldn’t help but bristle slightly at the comment from Penelope, jealousy lighting up in him before he could stamp it down. 

“She is.” He affirmed, and he painted a smile on his face, turning to face his friends. “And it it’s all the same to you guys I’d rather not talk about her at work.” He added, trying to convey his discomfort. 

“Spence, you know we’re just happy for you! From what Luke said she’s just smitten with you.” JJ added, resting her hand on his arm comfortingly. 

“Do you have a picture?” Garcia asked, excitedly clasping her hands. Spencer paused, not only did he not have a picture of her at all, he didn’t have any social media to look her up. He didn’t need a picture to remember her face, and he knew that describing her wasn’t going to do her justice, so he just shook his head. A devilish smirk appeared on Garcia’s face and he knew from that look that she was about to dig as far as her ethernet talons would let her. 

Spencer was just about to object when Prentiss came down from her office, followed closely by Rossi. “Guys, it’s a doozy.” The team immediately shifted into work mode and followed her up the stairs into the briefing room. Spencer sighed a breath of relief, happy that for now, (Y/n) could remain his little secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! So I may be a bit slow with updates over the next few days. Generally I like to have two or three chapters past the one I post ready, and I don't have that right now. I am moving back to school in the next few weeks so my time has been taken up with that and trying to organize a trip. I so appreciate all the love yall are giving me, honestly the only reason I can get out of bed is because I know you are all waiting for the update. So thank you all so so much.


	21. House of Spirits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who doesn't love a super awkward homecoming?
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r07e6U3wdG0

My alarm ringing loudly beside me that Thursday night, or, more accurately, Friday morning startled me awake. Spencer had been gone for most of the week, only really being able to call me early in the morning- before I was awake- or late at night when he wasn’t able to stay on the phone for very long. It was disheartening, but Grace and Angel had calmed me enough during the day that by the time I got home, I almost forgot he was hours away. He didn’t tell me where he was, but the strange hours told me he was somewhere on the west coast. 

I was almost jealous, then again, I quick search of the weather told me all I needed to know: the Canadian border looked really nice when there was a massive heat wave about to hit the southern half of the U.S. When I grabbed my phone, a happy smile spread across my face when I saw a message from Spencer. 

**Spencer**  
_Good morning beautiful, have a safe flight today. Call me when you land?_

That was sent only half an hour before I peeled my eyes open, 3 am my time. Starting off my day with a happy feeling was definitely not what I was expecting, but it was a very nice surprise. I somehow happily jumped out of bed and made my bed quickly, grabbing my ready pile of travel clothes, changing into them quickly, having showered the night before. 

If you have traveled much in your life, you will know that there is a feeling you get when you are awake at a disgustingly early time to make an early flight. There is a stillness in the air, and there is a weird halfway point, some people are just waking up, while others are only just now going to bed. There are people getting ready for all manner of trips, one they have been waiting years for, or last minute ones they are taking on a whim. Some were going somewhere they have never been, or going home… like me. A heavy weight settled in my stomach as I grabbed my duffle and my luggage, rolling it quietly out of my apartment to the stairs. Daisy looked up at me, and whined sadly. 

“Derek will be by to take care of you, and Spencer is going to take you next weekend if he can okay?” I knew she didn’t understand, but it somehow seemed to calm her and she whined, resting her head on her paws. I was anxiously waiting for the letter from the Adoption Agency to tell me she was truly mine, just the thought of having to send her back killed me and I had to force myself to look away to leave. 

I had ordered a taxi to pick me up, and when I finally managed to get my rolling bag down the stairs without waking up half the block I saw the driver leaning against the side of his taxi, smoking a cigarette. When he spotted me, he helped me lift my bag into the back of the car and opened the door for me. It was then that I was able to relax on the drive to the airport long enough to text Spencer back. 

**Me**  
_Just got in my taxi now._

**Spencer**  
_Miss you already._

I smiled at his quick response, doing the mental math that it must be 7:30 ish for him, maybe he was on the way into his office? Or just grabbing his morning coffee. 

**Me**  
_As you should._

I bit my lip, knowing that he was probably biting his tongue and trying not to smile. We had an agreement that when he was working, risque texts were 100% a no go. His coworkers, while his close friends, had no boundaries, and even worse he said that they weren’t as okay with the lifestyle as one would hope. 

**Spencer**  
_Careful._

My face instantly went red and I grinned like an idiot. It was fun riling him up, and even more so when I knew he for one, could do nothing about it. And two, couldn’t call me to use that tone of voice that he knew would make me weak at the knees. He had left on Monday, and I hadn’t seen him since, we were both getting desperate, and with me about to be gone for one or two weeks it wasn’t about to get easier. I decided not to answer, instead, I looked out my window, trying to keep my heartbeat from getting too fast at the prospect that I was returning to Maine. After my father died, Bangor hadn’t felt like home, and when I was done of university, I spent more time in Orono than Bangor in my apartment with Aiden. 

And there was another issue to face. Anyone and everyone who knew my family was about to be at this court hearing. Everyone was about to know that Jameson had fucked up… again, and once again I would be forced to face the full brunt of the scrutiny for it. I rolled my eyes, mentaly punching the back of the chair in front of me. How could Avery make me deal with this myself? 

Well, the short answer was that he was currently deployed in a warzone and he was dealing with the shit that came with that. He shouldn’t have to deal with the homefront in conjunction with an actual, legitimate warfront. The taxi pulling up to the Reagan airport put a stop to my thoughts, and I paid the driver, hurrying to unload my things and make my way into the airport to collect my ticket. Why I rushed? No idea. Maybe it was 16 years of dealing with my dad arriving 4 hours early to every flight despite the fact that he (And therefore we) were TSA pre checked and could all but waltz in 20 minutes before our gates closed in the dead of the busy season. 

Nonetheless, I showed my boarding pass and passport, along with my TSA card and they allowed me to walk through with no issue. I sighed, dropping into a seat at the Dunkin Donuts inside after grabbing my coffee and a sandwich as my breakfast. I turned, watching a businessman crack open a beer and laughed, Airports were just… like that… I guess. I couldn’t help myself, and I sent a picture to Spencer. 

**Me**  
_This guy has the right idea…_

I checked my watch, it was just past 4:45 am, my flight took off at 5:30, they should be calling it any minute. 

**Spencer**  
_Are you sure you’re going to be okay? I can meet you there by tomorrow morning._

I hadn’t told Spencer the full details, just mentioning that I needed to go home and deal with somethings that were going to be difficult. I hadn’t mentioned that that meant I was to witness my brother being locked up for the foreseeable future, possibly another 6-10 years. Well, he was going to be locked up, he broke parole, but whether or not they made him finish out the last 7 years of his sentence was up for debate. They hadn’t told me what he did to break parole, but if I knew my brother, there was probably a smoking gun, literally. 

**Me**  
_If I need you, I’ll ask, but like we agreed, we are both adults, and you have responsibilities just like I do._

**Spencer**  
_Yes, but some of those responsibilities are to take care of you too._

I knew that’s what he was going to say, but it still made my heart flutter. I didn’t have time to respond the way I wanted though, as they called my plane and boarding group at that moment. I told him so, then turned my phone on airplane mode and found my seat, trying to take calming breaths as I counted down the minutes until I once again had to face what remained of my family. 

*~*~*

Spencer looked up from his phone as JJ entered the room with another coffee for him. This was the fourth stack of diaries and ledgers that he was combing through to try to find where this ring of sex traffickers was holding these 30 missing women and girls. He was exhausted, and he hadn’t slept much, and he wanted so badly to call (Y/n), maybe see if her voice could put his mind at ease enough to allow him at least an hours sleep, but he forced himself not to call her. She had to be up early for her flight home, and knowing that this case had gone two days past schedule meant he had to accept he wasn’t going to see her before she left. 

“Thanks.” He said quietly, sitting up in his seat to accept it. 

“You okay?” She asked, taking the seat across from him, examining his face carefully. 

“Yea. Just.. tired.” He affirmed, rubbing a hand down his face, his face wrinkling at the feeling of stubble.

“No, there’s something more than that… What’s going on, Spence?” She pressed, reaching her hand out to him. He gratefully took it, squeezing it once before it retreated back into his lap. 

“It’s my uhm… It’s…” He looked away to the ground, then back up to JJ’s face. She was smiling gently. “She’s flying home today to deal with some family problems, and I don’t want to press and force her to tell me anything she doesn’t want me to know, but I can tell she’s anxious and I don’t know how to help her.” He finally admitted, sighing as he looked up to the ceiling, counting the tiles for the thousandth time… there was 486… and a half. 

“She didn’t give you any clues about what might be going on?” He shook his head quickly, too quickly.. And JJ knew it. “Spence.” She said, giving him a look. 

“She was speaking on the phone to someone named Avery. I’m assuming that’s her older brother Avery who is deployed currently. The conversation gave her a lot of anxiety, and she didn’t really want to talk about it to me, which means she thinks it will upset me. So it probably has something to do with prison, which leads me to believe that there is an issue with her brother Jameson, who served 7 years in Maine State Prison for a federal Arson charge.” He looked up to her, eyes wide in that way that she did when she was absorbing a lot of information all at once but didn’t want anyone to know that she was trying to process it. 

“That’s… a lot of information Spencer.” He nodded. 

“Which is exactly why I want her to tell me herself, because until then I have to play dumb.” He sighed loudly again, digging the heel of his hand into his eyes. On second thought, maybe she had a point not telling him about it, the idea of being anywhere near a prison without his badge and gun made him antsy. 

“Yea, she might ask too many questions about how you knew, and that would lead you down a road you aren’t ready for.” Spencer had explained to JJ ( with as little detail as he could to the origins of the game) how (Y/n) was trying to guess his occupation, and how he was dreading the day her beautiful mind finally connected the dots, and the ramifications of that moment. 

“So what do I do?” He asked, voice breaking with sleep and worry. 

“Answer the phone when she calls.” JJ offered, before taking her leave from him. He took a steadying breath, re reading her last message about boarding the plane a few more times before he locked his phone and returned to reading the mountain of papers in front of him. And this time he had found what he was looking for. 

“JJ!” He called, rushing from the room, paper in hand. 

*~*~*

Landing at the bumpy Bangor International Airport two hours later brought on a new wave of nausea I wasn’t entirely surprised by. I had tried to sleep on the plane, but I was notorious for not having that ability of sleeping in moving vehicles, and it evaded me. So I spent time watching the sunrise instead from 30,000 feet up. Catching glimpses of New York City, and what looked like Boston was fun, and they put me at ease until the ever green expanse of Maine was underfoot and I felt the bile rise in my throat. I could already hear the nagging voice of my mother telling me not to be so dramatic. But in all honesty, Aiden wasn’t the only reason I had gotten the fuck out as soon as I could. 

As we deplaned, I watched the carousel spin around and around a hundred times before my bag appeared. From then, every motion was counting. Fifteen steps to the door, ten steps to the curb, three to the car where Jamesons’ girlfriend was waiting, tears streaming down her face. I forced my shoulders to square and to hold my head up high as I wrapped her in a tight hug. I didn’t know her well, but I know that she was good for Jamie, she probably felt guilty, like this whole mess was her fault. She shuddered a breath into my shoulder and I offered to drive, which nearly made her cry harder and she nodded, handing me the keys to her Toyota. 

I took a moment, trying to take deep breaths as I pulled into traffic, and headed back on the highway to head home. Or, what used to be home. Kristen eventually calmed down long enough to steady her breathing, and then she was able to talk, finally filling the strangely silent car with at least some life. “So… uhm.. D.C. Huh? That must be exciting.” I nodded, checking the mirror absently before I turned on my blinker to change lanes. I hadn’t driven in so long. 

“I can be, it’s hot, and busy.” I replied, glancing at her in the passenger seat. Her blonde hair hung low and barely cared for at her shoulders. I sighed, reaching a hand out to hold her hand. “It’s going to be okay, Jamie’s a strong guy, I bet this is all a big misunderstanding.” I added, not really believing it myself. 

“It is!” She affirmed. “Jamie was out playing poker with his friends,” which technically he wasn’t allowed to do, but as long as no real money was exchanged it was fine. “And when they came out of the bar,” well, there goes that idea then. “There was a car on fire. Jamie split as fast as he could, knowing that they were gonna blame him, and he got pulled over for speeding!” Fuck Jamie, you’re two for two buddy.. “And when they asked where he was coming from, they saw the burning car and they blamed him.” She was getting upset again and I squeezed her hand tightly. 

“Hey! Hey,” I lowered my voice, trying to use that calming voice Spencer used whenever someone started to go over the deep end. I had seen him use it at the club on others, not just myself, and I hoped I was doing it justice. “Kristen, listen to me. If he didn’t do it, they will prove that, that’s the whole reason he’s got lawyers, and why we have police to investigate.” The words felt hollow on my tongue. “They are gonna catch the guy who did this.” I promised, though it was empty. 

“You promise?” She sounded so young and she probably was. She wasn’t much older than me, which was a point we all teased Jamie about, and if I knew anything about the people from my town, if you didn’t leave by the time you were 18, you never did. I was one of the few that broke the mold. 

I closed my eyes briefly, sighing deeply through my nose. “I promise.” What a stupid fucking thing to say. 

We pulled into my moms house a few minutes later, and Kristen climbed out of the car and grabbed my duffel bag for me while I took a moment to steady myself, and grabbed my larger rolling luggage. Hefting it up the pineneedle and mulch covered drive, I glanced around, trying to see past the unkemptness of it all, knowing that my brother, bless his soul, probably didn’t do much of anything where the neighbors could see him, including yard work. 

The house smelled much of the same, save for the distinctive smell of weed. It was strange, smelling it so prominently and seeing it growing in the windowsill. It wasn’t legal in Virginia, Maryland, or really, anywhere else besides Colorado at this point, so to see it so normalized here was both jarring and very comforting. 

“You uhmm… you can take your old bedroom, we haven’t really touched it much.” Kristen said, picking up forgotten clothes as she walked, obviously nervous about me seeing how much of the house was a mess. Honestly, it was a bit satisfying for me. My mother suffered from an acute undiagnosed OCD, and to see the house not sterile was a small victory for me. 

“Kristen, you don’t have to clean for me, I’m here to support you!” I said when she scrambled to gather a few days worth of dishes from the table and put them in the sink. The poor girl had to be barely able to make time to breathe let alone clean. “Please, just… go lay down! Sleep, please.” I begged, stilling her hands with my own. She looked up to me, tired eyes dropping. 

“Okay.” She said quietly, still stubbornly grabbing some laundry as she passed and then tiptoed into the room she shared with my brother and quietly closed the door. I waited a few moments before I steeled myself and made my way to my childhood bedroom. It had been changed slightly, since most of my things came with me to DC it was pretty empty, the pale pink walls and white trim still too feminine even for me. The bed was more adult, the twin bed I always had having been changed out for a metal daybed when I had gone away for college. The window seat was still there, and my mother had commandeered the closet for her own clothing years ago. 

I ran my hand along the fabric, a sad nostalgia rising in me. She had been in the full time care home for over two years now, she rarely if ever came home, and even less so needed the fancy garments that hung in the closet, forgotten. I closed the door over, not able to look at the bright colors anymore. I hoisted my bag up onto the bench by the window, and opened it, pulling out my makeup bag and shower stuff, wanting to take a bath to try to calm my nerves. Much like my apartment, the pipes needed a second, so I turned them on, allowing the first trickles of brown water to wash out of the barely used en suite of my bedroom and then, when it was clear, I turned it on full blast and pushed the stopped, letting the tub fill. 

It was then that I finally called Spencer. It rang and rang, and he didn’t answer. Not to be easily defeated, I called again, but same story. And I would almost think he silenced the call, this time the ringing cutting out after three rings as opposed to the usual six. I shook my head, scolding myself. Of course! He was probably working and I was bothering him. Not only that, but the cell reception this far north was spotty at best, especially if your phone wasn’t used to it. 

I placed my phone down on the counter, and turned off the tap, stepping into the hot water and sighing as it burned and relaxed my overtense muscles. Today was the day to relax, and tomorrow morning I was going to visit my brother, then Sunday I was going to see my mother. Monday was the hearing, and we would go from there. If he was going to prison, we needed to clear out and sell the house, and if he wasn’t then we were still going to try to find a way to get him out of the area where he wouldn’t be judged so harshly. Jamie was teetering dangerously on the edge of a downward spiral, the same one that nearly claimed my mother, and getting out of here would only help. 

I dropped my head under the water, trying to let the water block out the sounds of the world around me, but all that did was amplify the sound of my heart beating violently against my ribs and remind me that at the end of the day, I had to be strong here. I had to be strong for Kristen, Jamie, my mother, Avery… even my dad was expecting me to be strong because right now, I was the responsible one. 

When my air ran out, I came back up, letting the water fall down my hair and over my shoulders. I hadn’t planned on washing my hair, but now that it was wet, I really had no choice, that and I could still feel the plane germs on my body made me want to scrub for hours. All the time alone with my thoughts only confirmed my worst suspicions about this whole trip: I was completely on my own when it came to being my own support system through this. I didn’t dare ask Spencer to come sit in a room that would only trigger his memories from his own time locked up.

But most of all, I knew that he was all I wanted right now. I wanted him to tell me it was all going to be okay, in that sagely and somehow omnipotent way that he always did. I wanted him to hold me, but as I dried myself off with a towel and let the water out of the tub, I knew that I was going to be in bed alone tonight, and every night. 

I changed into some comfortable clothes and crawled up onto my bed, bringing a blanket over my shoulders to try to get a few hours shut eye before I tackled cleaning the house. Though seeing it a mess was satisfying, Kristen deserved to have it clean and to have someone to look out for her, and right now, that person was me. I sighed, looking out my window at the familiar yet somehow strange view that I knew so well from my childhood, wishing it was my DC street. 

*~*~*

Spencer flinched at the sound of his phone ringing a second time in the back of the SUV as they sped toward the docks. Rossi was driving, and Luke was sitting in the front seat, they both glanced at each other, and Luke decided to ask. “Everything alright?” 

“Fine.” He replied quickly, trying to stay focused on the case. He reasoned with himself that she was only calling to say she landed, but by his calculations, she had not only landed, but was home and probably being hit with any manner of emotions. And as much as it killed him to decline the call, he couldn’t take the time to talk to her, nor to explain why he could talk for a minute and then he had to go. He also didn’t want to talk to her in the way he knew she needed when there were too many ears listening. 

“This about (Y/n)?” Spencer glanced up to him in the rearview mirror, relenting, he nodded. “Everything okay with you two?” 

“Can we focus on the case please?” He snapped, really not enjoying how much of a topic of conversation (Y/n) had become. It made him anxious, and furiously protective. 

“Well that depends, are you good to go into this right now?” Rossi challenged, and Spencer had to remind himself not to glare at his friend and boss. 

“I’m fine. She went home today and I know it’s causing her a lot of anxiety.” He gave Rossi a pointed look in the mirror. “I want to be there for her but I can’t do that right now.” Luke was looking at his phone, so he missed the silent exchange between the two men. Rossi made a face of understanding and nodded, returning his attention fully to the road, weaving around traffic. 

“Well, lock it up, SFPD just radioed in, there’s shots fired.” Luke replied tersely, back to business, which Spencer gratefully accepted. Rossi pressed the pedal down impossibly harder and as they sped into the docking area, Spencer’s head was back in the case and he was the first out of the car, rushing to Prentiss’ side as the team followed behind hostage rescue.


	22. Bed of the Lake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kristen makes waves, and Spencer tries to help (Y/n).
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_32g396vL5U

Spencer never returned my call that day, but he did text me, explaining he had work things to deal with and that he would call me as soon as he could. I dismissed his worries, telling him that I was hanging out with Kristen, and that we were making brownies. Well, she was making… brownies… and I was cleaning the house. 

I had just finished the living room that Saturday morning, when my phone finally rang and I all but stumbled over myself to answer it, closing the door to my bedroom quickly. “Hi.” I breathed a sigh of relief, and heard him do the same on the other end. 

_“Hi.”_ We let the words hang in the air, obviously savouring the sound of the other’s voice. _“Sorry I didn’t answer you-”_

I cut him off. “Please don't, Spencer. I shouldn’t have called twice, I’m sorry.” There was a pause on the other end of the line. 

_“First of all, don’t you dare interrupt me.”_ I hated how that simple exchange made my eyes roll back. Jesus was I really that desperate after only a week? _“Second of all, I told you to call me, which you did. So, good girl.”_ I smiled, the praise making my chest warm. _“But, I broke my promise to you that I would answer when you called me so I need to apologize for that.”_ I sighed, sitting on the edge of my bed, really just happy to hear him talking to me, regardless about what. 

“It's so good to hear your voice.” came my only reply. I heard him let out a breath of surprised yet happy air. 

_“Yea, you too. Is… is everything okay? You sound stressed.”_ I had debated just telling him everything, but I didn’t want to worry him, and I certainly didn’t want him jumping on the next plane which I knew he was very inclined to do at any moment. 

“Yea, it’s just… hard, coming back here.” I said looking around my room and sighing. “My brother’s girlfriend is really broken up about everything that’s happening and I don’t really know how to help her… I-” My voice trailed off and I cleared my throat to cover the sound of my words breaking. 

_“I’m going to ask again. Do you want me to come be with you?”_ I closed my eyes, forcing myself not to cry, if Kristen came in and saw me crying I was never going to convince her that I was okay. 

“I can’t ask that of you, and I know that you’re going to say that this is your responsibility but it isn’t fair of me to ask you to come all this way to deal with problems that I have no right to put on you.” I rambled, standing from my bed and walking to the curtains to see the sun starting to hide behind a row of mean looking clouds, how fitting. “This is my battle to fight, and I need to fight it.” 

I hated when there was quiet on his end of the phone, it meant he was thinking. And that mind was a beautiful and scary thing. _“(Y/n). You didn’t answer my question. Do you want me there.”_ I sighed a shaky, long sigh. 

“Please.” I gave up trying to pretend I could do this on my own. We had just gotten word from the jail that they weren’t letting anyone in to see Jamie, Kristen was distraught, I could hear her sobbing from my room, and I was so emotionally drained that even thinking about going to see my mother tomorrow alone was enough to make me actually sick. 

I heard the sound of the plane starting in the background, and I sighed. _“I’ll be there by tonight okay? Hang tight.”_ Tears flowed freely then and I nodded. _“You are not a burden with this, (Y/n).”_

I couldn’t bring myself to accept his words, so I just let out a breath, he took that as his answer and when the voice over the PA on his side crackled to life I knew that it was time to go. “Thank you.” I said quietly, and he sighed, saying his goodbyes before hanging up. I dropped my phone to the bed, and then followed, flopping down to stare at the ceiling. Shit, I really needed to finish cleaning. 

*~*~*

Spencer hung up the phone and entered the main body of the plane, Rossi and Luke looking up from their game of cards. JJ turned to him, and Prentiss, sensing the awkward tension did as well. When Spencer gave her a look, she nodded and joined him at the back of the plane. “Everything alright?”

“I uhm.. I need a few days. You guys can call me, or video chat me and I’ll answer, but (Y/n) needs me right now.” She smiled, a proud, motherly smile and clapped a hand on his shoulder. 

“Yea, JJ said that there was something going on. This case has taken a lot out of all of us, the bureau is giving us each three days anyway starting Monday, if you need more after that, let me know and I’ll put you in for it.” Spencer nodded, looking to his hands and wringing them anxiously. “What about you? Everything okay?”

“I’m going to meet her family.” He said suddenly, and Emily had to laugh. 

“Why do you sound nervous?” She teased. “Scared of her dad?” Spencer flinched. 

“No, her uhm.. Her dad passed eleven years ago this december.” Emily’s face fell. “I’m more worried about meeting her brothers honestly. From what little she told me, they are really protective.” He smiled, glancing to Emily, suddenly looking like a very young man in her eyes. 

“Well, if they see what I see in you, they will know you’re a good man, who cares about (Y/n) quite a bit.” He nodded, smiling despite himself. She left him at that, walking back to her previous seat with JJ, the two of them continuing a conversation that they had been having. 

When the plane finally landed it was late afternoon. Rossi offered to drive Spencer to the airport, which he agreed to. After collecting a bag of his things at a pitstop at his apartment, Rossi all but turned on the lights and sirens to get them there in time. With a flash of his badge and a private screening to check his gun and such, he was on a small barely full plane and in the sky yet again by dinner time. 

He was placed at the front of the plane, as was where anyone armed was usually placed due to a strange feeling of security it offered the flight crew. Spencer cased the other people on the plane, looking up from his book every now and again to watch how everyone acted and moved. Everyone looked like locals, which he expected for a small plane at such a late hour, and, though it was biased, the large beards and flannel was also a good bet on who was from the Northern States. He smirked, remembering (Y/n) telling him about her miserable first few days, entirely not used to the heat that Virginia was known for. The thought occupied his mind for the rest of the trip. 

*~*~*

When Spencer had texted me his flight number, I had already changed, cleaned myself up, and made my way to the airport, nearly an hour before his flight time. Parking in a space close to the door, I had rushed inside, ducking my head against the driving rain. Luckily, the plane hadn’t been diverted, but it had been delayed, and as I sat, soaking, in the lobby, my eyes were glued to the Arrivals screen, waiting for flight 896 to land. It was nearly 9, and I was tired despite my nap. Being here was draining, but the knowledge that I was about to be in his arms for the first time in over a week, well, that was enough to have me bouncing on my toes. 

Flight 896 landed just after 9:05 pm, and I thought I was going to combust when I saw the trolley start to turn and baggage began filing down the line. My heart began beating faster and faster, and when I finally felt a heavy hand on my shoulder, I nearly yelped. But I recognized that smell and I instantly turned and buried my face in his chest, relishing as his hands dropped his bag and held me tightly. 

“Hi.” Spencer said quietly, into the crown of my hair. I held him tightly, my hands shaking with unshed emotions. 

“Hi.” I finally replied, pulling away and releasing my grip enough to let him breathe. My eyes were red, no doubt, and when his face softened, and his large hand came up to cup my face and his thumb brushed away tears, I realized I had finally started crying. 

“You look beautiful.” He said quietly, and I smiled, stepping away and sniffling miserably, brushing wet hair away from my face. 

“I look like a drowned rat.” I agreed, which only made his head tilt and an eyebrow shoot up to his hairline. I bit my lip, already starting to calm down and feel like maybe I could handle this, now that he was here. 

“Am I going to have to remind you of my rules?” He replied darkly, stepping into my space and tilting my head back. To anyone looking in, it looked like two lovers saying hello, but his lips weren’t on my cheek to kiss me, they were there to speak directly into my ear. “Because after the week I’ve had, you really don’t want to test me.” He warned. I pulled away, a devilish grin on my face. He was only baiting me, and we both knew it. 

“No, Sir.” I lied, and he smirked, bending down to grab his bag, making sure to stay as much in my space as possible without making it obvious that he was doing so. When he stood back up, his normal, kind face had returned and I smiled tiredly. 

“Let’s get you home okay?” I nodded, and turned, feeling his hand rest on the small of my back as he followed me. The rain had mostly stopped, but I was soaked anyway, so I didn’t bother trying to avoid it. Spencer didn’t either, and when I clicked the lock on the old truck, he still made his way around to open my door for me, letting himself stay in the rain even longer. I took his bag from him as I sat in the driver’s seat, and tossed it in the back. He climbed in the other side of the car, and turned to me, grabbing my chin and hungrily pressing his lips to mine, the hand drifting to my neck once I returned it. This was the side of him he couldn’t show in public, and I loved it. I smiled against his lips, but pulled away with a laugh. 

“Can’t you wait like… fifteen minutes?” I chastised, turning the key in the ignition and putting the car in reverse. His hand shot out, grabbing my wrist to bring my hand up so he could kiss my palm. 

“I’ve waited a week to kiss you. I’ll take it when I want.” My eyes searched his for a moment, and I saw the barely contained hunger in them and bit my lip. I blinked first, looking away from him. He waited a moment to let go of my wrist, and when he did I quickly pulled out of the parking space, pulling onto the highway and heading home. Spencer spent the first few moments texting on his phone, probably alerting his coworkers that he had arrived and then his attention returned to me, and he took my right hand in his, holding it and playing with my fingers like he always did. 

“How was your flight?” I asked after a few minutes, the Maine highways growing boring, considering we were the only ones on it at the moment. I kept my eyes out for Moose though, there was an accident only a few days prior when a Bull crossed the road and took out my neighbors truck. 

“Too long.” He replied, rubbing his eyes. “Normally time changes don’t bother me, but I guess we are never on a-” He stopped, clearing his throat. “On a trip that long.” I nodded, turning my attention back to the road, and turning over the bridge that lead to the last few roads to my neighborhood. 

“I uhm... I need to warn you.” I started, drumming my hand on the steering wheel. “People are different here, and… well.. You’ll see I guess.” We pulled into my street, and then finally up my driveway. Kristen was waiting on the porch, her thin frame wrapped in a long cardigan. She must have heard me pulling up and came out to greet us. I sighed, resting my head back on the seat as I looked at her outline in the porch light. 

Spencer, ever taking situations in stride, reached behind me and pulled out his bag, hoisting it over his shoulder before he gave me a reassuring smile. “You can do this.” He affirmed, nodding once before we both climbed out of the car and made our way to the front porch. 

“Where the hell have you been? I knocked on your door and you were just fucking gone! And who's this?” Kristen asked, an accusing tone in her voice. 

“This is my boyfriend, Spencer.” I started, motioning to the man beside me, who, to my surprise, extended a hand to her. 

She stared at it, then turned her attention back to me, ignoring him. “I thought you were here to help me.” She demanded, glaring straight through me. 

“I am here to help you Kristen, and Spencer is here to help me.” She scoffed. 

“Help you? With what? You made it very clear when you left that you wanted nothing to do with us.” I stiffened, then sighed. 

“I know. Can we please go inside? We’re getting soaked out here.” She scoffed again and turned on her heel, letting the screen door slam behind her, directly in our faces. I took in a deep breath, turning to the man who was silent beside me. “Sorry about her, she’s been having mood swings since this all happened, one moment she’s fine, then she freaks out. She’ll be back to normal in a little bit.” I replied tiredly, opening the door for him and allowing him to pass by me. 

He stopped extending his hand to me and placing it on my arm. “I have delt, and will deal with people a lot worse than her, trust me.” He said reassuringly, with a bright smile. I found myself smiling too, and soon followed after him into the house. I watched him look around, but his eyes never stayed on anything too long. He all but glazed over the Marijuana plants, and when he turned to me with an expectant look on his face, I had to take a second to recalibrate, shaking my head to physically make my brain work and realize that he was standing in my kitchen, waiting for me to show him where we were staying. 

We walked quietly down the hall past Kristen and Jamie’s room, past where Avery’s room had been turned into my Mother’s sewing room, and finally to my door. I hesitated when my hand hovered over the knob, actually nervous as to what he would say. It was my childhood room obviously, and there was a strange sense of taboo for not only letting a man enter, but a man who legitimately got off on sexualy deviant things. Then again, so did I. Spencer didn’t press me to open the door, as if reading my mental battle, and so when I finally did open it, he waited until I turned and motioned him in, letting me control the speed at which he entered my space. 

He turned once he was in, his eyes taking in the room, and a small smile appeared on his face. “What are you smiling at?” I asked warily, and he smirked. 

“This is so not what I pictured.” He replied, placing the bag he carried down next to mine. 

“Oh? You mean the pictures of horses and disney princesses aren’t living up to your expectations?” I teased, pointing to the shelf that held just that. 

Spencer laughed, sitting down on the bed and opening his arms, welcoming me into them. I gladly accepted, curling against his chest as I sat on his knees. He held me tightly, and we both just savoured the fact that the other was there. “No, I expected as much, but I suppose I expected to see a bit more… you, in the room. You have so many books and decorations in your apartment, I kind of expected to see the same here.” 

I sighed sadly. “My mom didn’t really let me have more than what you see. She didn’t want me damaging the walls. I was allowed to have it up so long as when guests came it was easy to take down and hide.” I replied. “That’s kind of why I went overboard in my apartment.” I explained. 

A sad but understanding look spread over Spencer’s face. “Where is your mom? I’d like to introduce myself and tell her I’m here to help with anything she needs.” He felt me stiffen, and he said my name quietly.

“There’s… uhm.. Some history there I didn’t really tell you about.” I started, pushing myself off his lap to pace back and forth in the room, holding my arms tightly. “My mom is in a full time care facility, and she has been for the last three years.” His face fell in the way that only someone who understands that guilt can. I paused in my pacing, searching his eyes, but then continued when I realized he would tell me when he felt comfortable doing so. “I’m going to see her tomorrow, so you can come if you want.” I added. 

Spencer’s face returned to that stoic, stern face that I was used to from the club and my heart skipped, a heavy weight settling in the base of my spine. He crooked a finger at me and I hesitated a moment, glancing over my shoulder to make sure the door was closed as I walked up to him. He pointed to the floor and I instantly dropped, my knees hitting the carpet before I really fully registered the command. The feeling of giving over the control to someone else was exactly what I needed and wanted right now, and to know that he was perfectly capable of letting me turn my brain off for a second relaxed me enough to know that this pressure in my head was really a headache that I had had since I had stepped off the plane. 

Spencer’s hand shot out to grip the hair at the base of my neck, tilting my head back and throwing me off balance slightly. My hands darted out, latching on to the fabric of his dress pants, to steady me. He allowed this slight deviance, and honestly, I think it helped ground him as much as it grounded me. “We are adding a new rule. When you want something, you ask for it, directly. No more of this people pleasing run around.” I felt my heart drop and for a split moment I thought he was angry with me, but he wasn’t. His face wasn’t furrowed or angry, it was instead relaxed, and actually, he looked almost sad. 

My mind tried desperately to find a way to convince him that I wasn’t deflecting, and that I really just didn’t want to force him to come with me, but there was nothing I could find that would make sense. He obviously was going to go with me to all of my difficult situations this week, and going to see my mother was one of them. Regardless of how he felt, he had made the commitment to support me. “I’ll try, Sir.” I replied, but I felt his grip on my hair tighten, and then I was being pulled to my feet. His hand in my hair was supporting some of my weight, but I felt him lift me with his other hand, up and over the side of the bed where he was sitting and face down on the comforter. 

I huffed out a breath, surprised, and when I tried to push myself up, either by instinct or to see what he would do I don’t know, I felt his knee press into the small of my back. It wasn’t nearly all of his weight, but it was enough to know that I wasn’t moving anywhere. I felt his hot breath on the back of my neck and I shivered, whining quietly when a feeling of helpless glee washed over me. “I don’t think you understand the nature of this dynamic.” He hissed, and I felt him grab my chin, turning me gently to face him while still being mostly pressed into the duvet. “You see, you either follow my rules and orders, or you don’t. ‘I’ll try’ is not good enough, so I’ll give you one more chance to answer correctly.” His voice was low, and I pulled in a shuddering breath, a pang of aroused fear running through my chest. 

He let go of my chin to allow me to speak and I took a few deep breaths before I averted my eyes, nodding slightly. “Yes, Sir. I understand.” I said quickly, my fingers bunching the sheet under me. 

“You understand what?” He replied, barely any softness in his voice aside from the slight crackle in his tone from trying to remain just below a speaking voice. At least he was considerate for the fact that Kristen was no doubt pressed against the wall with a glass trying to see if I was bitching about her. As much as she could be a great friend, she was also paranoid and a bit of an asshole. 

He shifted his knee, trying to make sure he didn’t hurt me, but also as a reward for my proper response. Instead I felt his free hand drift over where his knee had been, then over the curve of my ass which was within reach since my knees were still hanging over the side, my feet scrambling to gain purchase. I froze when I felt his hand grab a fistfull of flesh, a warning to stop struggling. I did, taking a few more breaths, trying to quiet the now growing urge to make some very inappropriate noises. “I understand that if I want something I have to ask for it directly!” I said quickly, which he rewarded me for by letting go of my skin, instead switching to the other side just to give it the same treatment. I hissed, bucking away from the just-this-side-of-painful grip. 

“What else?” He demanded, his voice just a bit louder. I sucked in a breath, waiting for Kristen to burst in with an angry ‘got cha!’ rant. I searched my mind, trying to figure out how to correctly answer this question, but I couldn’t find the words. He said my name again, in warning and I whined a confused whimper. Spencer took pity on me, explaining what he wanted. “You can hide behind trying all you want, but with me it’s black and white: You either do it or you don’t. Say you understand.” 

“I understand!” I immediately replied, and when I did, he released all his grips on me and allowed me to stand, instantly pulling me into his arms and hugging me to him tightly. I latched on to him, breathing heavily both from the strain and from the serious effort I had to put in to not begging him to just fuck me already. 

We sat quietly for a moment, Spencer just holding me tightly and rocking back and forth slightly while I numbly stared at the wall. The silence was broken by a loud banging on my door that surprised us both so severely, that Spencer actually pushed me behind him and his hand drifted to his hip as if looking for a weapon. I watched him carefully for a moment, watching as his eyes returned from their distant place and he closed them taking a few deep breaths when he heard Kristen yelling on the other side of the wood, the knob jiggling. I hadn’t realized it but I guess he had locked the door moments after entering. 

I placed a hand on his shoulder, understanding that panic. Jamie had it the first time he came back too, he wasn’t anywhere serious, but violence happened in jails all the time, let alone prisons. “It’s okay Spencer, it’s Kristien.” I said quietly, pushing up from the bed and hugging my arms to my chest as I braced myself for the fight on the other side of the door. I turned the knob on my side, letting the lock click out of place and then opened it, watching as a red eyed and crying Kristen appeared. 

“I’m leaving.” She growled out, and I looked down to see a bag with hastily shoved together clothing and supplies was spilling out of. “Since you are treating this as a vacation, I’ll give you some privacy!” She shouted, glaring over her shoulder to glare at Spencer, who had stood and was standing a few paces behind me. I could feel the anger rolling off him, but with a glance over my shoulder I saw his face in that same stoic line it set in when he was dealing with rowdy club members. 

“Kristen,” I sighed, following after her as she turned on her heel, storming her way down the hall. “Kristen, wait!” I called, finally reaching for her arm, only for her to turn around and send a hand swinging for me. Though I wasn’t expecting it, I moved out of the way just as it came inchest from my face. I let go and took a step back. “Tell me where you’re going at least!?” I begged, watching as she snatched the keys to her car from the plate and clicked open the locks. 

“Why do you care!?” She shot back. “Just go fuck your boyfriend!” I rolled my eyes, running after her out the screen door, Spencer’s foot steps just paces behind me 

“Kristen!” I called again, and she finally turned, glaring at me.

“I’m going to Sam’s!” She finally admitted, slamming the door to her car and peeling out before she had even turned the lights on. I watched her go, praying that she made it safely to her cousin’s house as her taillights retreated down the road. I closed my eyes, taking a few deep breaths to calm myself before I turned on my heel, nearly running into Spencer as he stood in the doorway, his face a mix of surprise, anger, and concern. 

“Sorry.” I croaked, pushing past him into the kitchen where I collected what few dishes remained and busied myself by putting them away in the dishwasher, muttering quietly to myself as I dug through the cabinets and put a pod in the case. When I had to stop for the second time to take deep breaths, forcing the tears to stay away, Spencer’s arm came around my middle and pulled me away from the imagined mess I was cleaning and turned me to face him. 

“Hey. (Y/n), Stop.” He said quietly, but when I shook my head and tried to turn back to start the washer his hands gripped my hips tightly and forced me back around to face him, that stern expression back on his face. “That wasn’t a request.” He said dangerously, and I froze, darting my eyes to his and then back to the floor. His hand on my cheek made me look up to him and I leaned into it, closing my eyes to savour the feeling. “Are you okay?” 

I nodded, dropping my head into his chest and hugging him tightly. “She didn’t make contact, I’m fine.” I confirmed, moving to step away from him. He didn’t let me get far, maneuvering me to stand in the corner of the kitchen, blocked by his body. I moved back, staring up at him concerned. 

“I know she didn’t. I watched. I’m asking about up here.” He tapped the side of my head purposefully and I blinked a few times. 

“I’m.. I’m fine.” I hesitated, it was mostly true. “I mean I’m overwhelmed, but I’m fine. I haven’t broken down crying or anything.” I shrugged and watched as his face fell. 

“That’s what I’m talking about, you need to cry, (Y/n). You’re holding all this emotion inside you and it’s going to only get worse until it boils over.” He replied closing his eyes and taking a breath, almost as if he knew the pain, and like he was trying to show me that it was okay. 

“I can’t.” I said quietly, dropping my eyes to my hands, where I had started picking at my fingers. 

“Can’t or won’t?” He replied only letting a bit of frustration into his voice. I knew I was difficult to deal with, oh god I hope I wasn’t being annoying. 

“Can’t.” I admitted. “I’ve tried, but every time I get into a place where I can, someone needs me. Either Kristen, or the lawyer calls, or I just get to a point where I go numb and then I can’t feel anything.” I felt that well of emotion rising in me, that overwhelming feeling that came right before my body shuts down. 

Spencer stepped back from me, crossing his arms over his chest, the same way he did when he was watching someone at the club, the same way he did when he was shifting into that other side of him that I was starting to become more and more acquainted with. “Do you want help?” I startled, looking up to him confused. 

“Help?” I shook my head. “How can you help me cry?” I nearly laughed, but the slight shift in his expression, and the tiny tilt of his head told me he wasn’t amused. “You can help me?” He nodded, shifting his posture, looking at me expectantly. I understood immediately. “Will you help me, Sir?” His face broke into a proud smile and he nodded. 

“Go into your room. Find a pillow and kneel on it, find a comfortable position to sit in. I’ll be there in two minutes.” I felt my heart beating in my ears as I nodded, letting out a calming breath as I easily slipped back into that role. 

“Sir, may I lock the house before I do?” He turned to look at the door and shook his head. 

“No, I’ll handle that. Go.” I nodded again, responding with a quiet ‘Yes, sir’ and scurried to my room, nerves mixing strangely with excitement as I hurried to obey.


	23. Don't Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer helps (Y/n) let go of some of the bottled up emotions
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgHLPeAwqhE

I found a small decorative pillow on the window seat of my room, and I placed it on the floor. I must have adjusted it 50 times before I felt like it was in the right spot, and when I finally did get it where I thought he wanted it, it took me a good few seconds of mental processing to figure out how the hell to hold my body once I was on it. I decided to just kneel on it, my knees at a comfortable distance apart, my hands though… they were an entirely different story. I had no idea how to position them. You know, for an extension of my body that I’ve had for nearly 26 years, you’d think I knew how to hold them in a comfortable way. 

I instead banked on just placing them on my thighs. It gave me an excuse to wipe my suddenly sweaty hands on my leggings and also get the calming effect of the repetitive motion. I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth and dragged it back and forth a few times, trying to calm my racing heart. But to no avail, the second I heard his hand turn the knob my heart shot up into my mouth and I stared at the ground, counting my breaths and trying not to let out a shaky one. 

Spencer walked around me, not acknowledging me yet. Instead, he made his way behind me to his bag. I heard him rifling through it and there was a sound of clinking metal. It took everything in me not to look at him, and when his shoes finally appeared in front of me, standing about 8 feet away from me. The clinking metal turned out to be a belt, and my eyes darted up when he rolled it up, and tossed it to the bed. I sucked in a breath, my mind getting carried away. Was...was he going to belt me?

“Eyes up.” I obeyed instantly, my nervous eyes meeting his. He was calm, that same controlled ease that drew me to him in the first place. “This position is comfortable for you?” I answered in the affirmative. “Good. This is now your waiting pose.” I made a look of confused interest. “Anytime after this I tell you to go wait, unless specified otherwise, you should be exactly like this. Clear?” I again responded that it was, it was intuitive once I thought about it for a moment. 

“I am going to explain to you what’s about to happen, but first: The doors and windows are all closed and locked, and the door to this room has been locked as well.” I let out a breath of relief I didn’t know I was holding and smiled in thanks. He nodded once. “Now, in terms of what is about to happen, I am going to bind your hands, I’ve noticed you feel more comfortable when restrained.” He picked up the belt again, looping one end through the buckle, then traced that figure 8 pattern around again in practiced ease. I watched his hands work with interest. This was the part of Angel’s class I wasn’t able to see when she had turned me around. 

“If at any time you want this removed, you’re going to say the word yellow, that way I will pause and take them off, but the scene isn’t over. Just like at the club, understood?” I nodded, and he accepted that instead of a verbal response. “Up.” I quickly got to my feet, anticipating his next command and turning around as he approached me. I heard him pause for a moment, sucking in a breath before he let it out in a low hum. Spencer took first one wrist and then the other, feeding it through the makeshift cuff and then tightened it, sticking a finger between my skin and the leather to check the tightness. Deeming it safe, he stepped away. “Back to wait.” I struggled to the ground, not having my hands to balance me made it difficult, but when I finally managed to get to the ground, I shot a proud look up to Spencer who couldn’t help but smirk at my childish elation at my accomplishment. His face returned to the stoic mask though and I cleared my throat shifting a few times to get comfortable. 

“Now, you can choose, I can bring you over my knee, or over the bed.” My eyes went wide as I finally understood, and then my cheeks lit up with a shameful fire. “You can choose one or the other.”

I debated it for a while, seriously thinking about the pros and cons of each. I had felt what it was like to be against the bed, and decided that- while not a horrible position, it wasn’t the way I wanted this to go, something deep in me told me that being over his knee was going to be better, so I told him as much and he nodded, helping me to my feet and then sat on the side of the bed. He waited patiently for me to make my way over to him. This wasn’t a punishment, so there was no rush, this was entirely for me. Which was odd… generally, a spanking was for doing something wrong, and the child inside of me was balking at the idea that I was willingly doing this, not only that, but that I had asked for this. 

With nervous steps I stood in front of him, and he gave me a reassuring pat on the arm before he gripped my upper arm and pulled me between his legs, and pressed his right hand into the middle of my back just between my shoulder blades and settled me over his knee, hooking his right leg over both of mine to secure them. My face was toward the ground, but when he shifted, my chest was laying partially on the mattress, and some of the strain on my back was relieved. His hand left my arm then, and instead settled between my hands, holding the cuff securely. 

He let me settle and get comfortable, and when my head dropped and I let out a long calming breath, his right hand smoothed over my legging covered legs and ass, then back up, comforting me in this strange situation. “How are you feeling?” 

“Okay,Sir. I’ve… I’ve never really done this before.” I admitted and I heard him tusk. 

“I thought you said you did?” He chastised, teasing me. 

“Well, I have.. But.. not like this.” I replied, shifting a bit, only to feel him tighten his grip on both my legs and my wrists. My breath hitched and I blushed, realizing how right he was that I was very okay with being restrained. 

“Mmhm. I’m going to have to take your word for it.” He commented dangerously, and I bit my lip to keep from sending back a snarky reply. He shifted again, and suddenly was back to business. “We will start slow. I’ll check back in after every five. The goal here is a release of emotion, so cry freely.” The order was calm, but also understanding, and I nodded, nervously shifting my hands, and he responded by gripping them tighter in the belt. 

I braced myself for the first strike, waiting to feel the hand that left my body connect again, but it never came, and I relaxed for just a moment, about to turn my head to look at him when I heard it before I felt it. I sucked in a breath, yelping at the feeling, however muted by the layers of fabric between his hand and my skin. A few breaths later and he was lifting his hand again, only bringing it down when I relaxed. I knew in my mind that the more tense I was the more it was going to hurt, so he was doing me a favour, and really, this wasn’t about pain, it was about shocking my system enough to let it cry. 

The next few came quickly once I relaxed and I found myself no closer to tears as I was when we started. I was numb, and that was frustrating. I saw Spencer turn and tilt his head to look at me, and when he saw I was just waiting for the next strike, his hand returned to my body and hooked his fingers in the waistband of my leggings. He paused, and when I nodded, he pulled them down and lifted his leg, allowing me to kick them off. 

Once again, we started with the five strikes. Again, nothing. At this point I figured I was going to cry of frustration more than anything. When his hand connected with my skin again, this time much harder than it had before, I felt the first few tears prick my eyes, and from the way he did it again, I could tell he heard the sound of pain leave my lips and knew I was getting close to that point. It came in quick succession then, first five and then another alternating between each side, and also down to the place where my ass met my thighs. 

After one particularly hard five, I felt the first sob escape, and Spencer stopped, his hand hovering over my overheated skin. “Count.” He ordered and I sniffled back the barely shed tears and nodded. 

One smack, not as hard as before. “O-one.. Sir.” I said quietly. 

“I can’t hear you.” He replied quickly, dropping his hand in a hard strike. 

“TWO! Sir.” I said, louder this time, the first word more as a yelp than anything. Again and again he abused the skin, only when I could barely get the word ‘Ten’ out around the tearful gasps did he stop, pulling the tail of the belt out of the cuff and releasing me. I dropped my head, heavy sobs wracking my body. I heard the belt drop to the side and then I felt his hand massaging my wrists, rubbing at any pinched points. Then his leg lifted once more, and I felt him wrap an arm around my back, his hand resting on my shoulder while the other looped under my legs and easily turned me over in his lap, bringing my head up to his shoulder. I buried my face in it, crying into his shirt, my fist gripping both it and his tie tightly. 

Careful not to put too much pressure on my sore behind, he left a gap between his legs for my body to hang, and I tried to shift to help him hold my weight, but he said my name in a warning tone and I just let him support me, holding my shaking body as I let out all the pain I was feeling, none of it physical. 

I cried about Jamie, knowing that he was about to go back behind bars, despite trying his best to get his life back in order. I cried about Avery, who I hadn’t seen in person in maybe 4 years, only just before mom was put in the home, which also brought a new wave of tears to the front and I held Spencer tighter. He responded in kind, and started whispering anything and everything to me, telling me to cry, and that I was safe, and that he was here and wasn’t going anywhere 

Finally, and worst of all, I cried over Aiden. How he put me through so much. I thought he was my escape from this whole world, but really he was just an extension of it. He always sided with my mother on issues, telling me I was being over dramatic, or that I was being ungrateful. He convinced me not to put myself first, and that I needed to think more about others and less about myself, which really meant that I needed to do only what he wanted. It was so much hurt and pain, and I swore a few times quietly to myself. Spencer didn’t question any of it, he just rocked slowly back and forth, rubbing comforting circles on my back until my sobs turned to hitched breath, and then finally quieted down to just a few sniffles. 

“I’m going to put you down now okay? I’ll be right back.” I nodded, wincing as my raw skin met the duvet. He disappeared into the en suite, and when he returned he had a wet rag, and a bottle of lotion. I obeyed as he told me to flip over, and sighed as his hand swiped on a thick layer of lotion, then laid the cold towel over it. The pain wasn’t that intense, so it was more about just showering me with attention, which after the last 24 hours I’ve had, I wasn’t going to stop him. And by the way he was touching me, I had a feeling he needed this too. 

*~*~*

Spencer’s heart hurt so badly for (Y/n). He could see the moment he laid eyes on her at the airport that she was hurting. Her shoulders were slumped, and not just from the rain, her hands were tapping a rhythm that she obviously didn’t know she was repeating over and over on her thighs, and she startled at every little noise, her eyes darting around and around as people passed her. He had exited out the crew exit, once again having his weapon checked before he stowed both it and his badge far down in his bag out of sight. 

The entire drive home, her anxiety was almost palpable, and when her hand started shaking the closer they got to the final turn, Spencer wanted to scream. Not at her, but at the situation, she was so afraid! Of what he had no idea, but it wasn’t right that someone who gave so freely for others was being taken advantage of. When he first saw Kristen, he could tell she was going to be an issue. Her blonde hair was cut haphazardly, like she had done it herself, and her clothing looked barely washed. She was showing clear signs of some sort of personality disorder, and when (Y/n) had confirmed that she was having mood swings and sudden rage, his heart dropped to understand that this girl was deeply troubled. 

The house only confirmed that there were so many issues in the family that (Y/n) was trying to survive in. The home itself was decorated and kept like someone with OCD connected to symmetry and orderliness. It was acute, and really only showed up in some of the more obvious things- like the perfectly spaced pictures, signs of something being adjusted a hundred times scraped into the linoleum floors, spots on the lightswitch from turning it on and off a hundred times. It was hard to see, knowing that some of the compulsions that (Y/n) saw as normal were really the symptoms of a deeper, more debilitating issue. 

Though right now she was probably elated to see mess where in her childhood there had been an almost debilitating requirement for cleanliness, the reclaimed nature of the house would give her anxiety after a time, and when he saw her room, the only spotless room in the house, he knew that her anxiety was already starting to manifest in repetitive motions, and cleaning. She may not have those issues with any OCD herself, but she would emulate the things she saw her mother do to try to quell her own anxiety. Now, as she sat in his arms, curled against him, making a repetitive motion with her thumb over his tie, he knew that she was returning to her normal state. 

He couldn’t imagine the manner of hurt in her heart to both create such a block like what she had been suffering from, possibly months of pent up frustration and to finally let out in the hour long crying session. “Are you feeling better?” He asked, tilting her head up to him. Her eyes were rimmed red, but she smiled happily, and he saw it transfer up to her eyes. 

“Yes, Sir. Thank you.” She replied quietly. “Is there anything I can do for you?” She asked, her eyes darting down his body before he redirected her attention back to his face. 

“Not tonight. It’s late, you need to sleep.” He said kissing her forehead. In all honesty, he didn’t want anything in return for what he had done. He had taken what he needed when he watched her muscles relax under his fingers, the way her little sighs became more and more happy and the smile spread out on her face. 

She nodded, moving away from him to stand, walking over to her bag and grabbed a pair of shorts, expertly taking off her bra through her shirt and tossing it into a corner. Spencer followed close behind, pulling on his tie and dropped it in his own pile, which only caused her to quirk an eyebrow and kick it over into her pile, which made him smirk and raise his hands in surrender, letting the rest of his clothing join hers on the floor as he grabbed his change of clothes and headed into the en suite. 

When he returned from the bathroom, he leaned against the door, his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth as he watched her on her phone, probably setting an alarm. When her face screwed up with concern he pulled it from his teeth to say her name. 

“I’m just worried about Kristen. Sam says she’s there, but that she was drinking pretty heavily.” She said bouncing on her toes in worry. 

“You can’t do anything from here.” He said quietly. “Sam is going to take care of her, right?” She nodded. “Then right now, you owe it to yourself and her to get some sleep. You’re no use to anyone exhausted.” He nodded to the bed, where from the lack of disturbance on the hospital corners of the duvet, he could tell she was only sleeping on top of it, probably in hour or so long naps instead of full sleep. 

Her eyes followed his and she sighed, her eyes closing in defeat. “I just wish I knew how to help her.” She said sadly, and Spencer returned to the bathroom to spit and put his toothbrush away. He returned to her side, running his hands down her arm and gripping her hands tightly. 

“Kristen needs professional help, (Y/n). It isn’t fair of you to ask that of yourself. No one should ask that of you.” She gave him a curious look. 

“Behavioural therapist?” He huffed out a laugh. There she is. 

“Go to sleep.” He ordered, turning her around and pushing her toward the bed. 

“That wasn’t a no.” She replied cheekily, but with a look from him, his arms crossing over his t-shirt in an intimidating pose, the smile fell and she quickly pulled down the sheets and climbed under them. He smirked, crawling over her on the bed to hover over her body. 

His lips dipped down to her neck, and latched on to the spot he knew from experience would have her melt in an instant. Her whine, barely covered by her biting her lip made him smile, and he trailed his lips up her neck and over her cheek to hover just over her lips. “No.” He said easily, before flopping over and crawling under the covers himself, forcing her to turn away from him and then pulled her tightly against his chest. She made a noise of protest, and he dipped his head, biting into her shoulder hard enough to make her freeze. When she apologized quietly, he let go and she relaxed, though he could feel from a well placed finger on a pulse point on her arm that her heart was beating wildly and from the shifting of her legs, she was desperate for some contact.

He made a promise that he would give her some relief in the morning, but for now, in a cruel yet satisfying move, he stuck his knee between her legs, just far enough from her core that she couldn’t gain friction from either his leg, nor her own. Her huff of aroused anger made him laugh and kiss the nape of her neck again. “I said go to sleep.” His gravely, sleepy voice ordered. “Or I’ll have you over my knee again, but this time I won’t be nice.” He could almost see her horrified look on her face.

*~*~*

If that was him being nice then he could count on me being a fucking saint from here on out. My ass was on _fire_. And once the emotional pain had receded, and all I felt was the physical pain, the needy burning began in my stomach and I was desperate for him to give me something, anything in relief. It was concerning how I was becoming slowly addicted to this side of him, I wanted to coax it out of him at any moment. I wanted to challenge him, and more concerningly, I wanted him to hurt me. Actually, hurt me. It was a scary thing to realize that you trusted someone to hurt you but also bring you back from that hurt. Which was another thing entirely! He had just essentially put the fear of god in me, and then treated me so kindly I was sure I was going to have whiplash. 

That and it didn’t help that each pass of his hands over my body made me want him only more, and certain spots he passed over made my legs twitch and my core ache. How was that possible? Why did it feel so good when he passed over certain spots? Why did my toes curl when he pressed along the side of my spine? And why the fuck wasn’t he letting my grind on his leg? It wasn’t fair really. Plus that side of me that wasn’t comfortable being in someone’s debt was raging and wanted to give him something in return for his attention. 

Though, if I remembered correctly, he did leave me hanging after that foray in the bathroom in my apartment, so maybe he was right and we were even. Still, after over a week not being with each other, I’d think he’d want to jump my bones about as much as I wanted to jump his. But from the even breathing I heard behind me a few minutes after we settled in told me that really, he was tired, and by the way my eyes drooped despite my brain's best efforts to run a million miles, I was too. 

I was comfortable in his arms, and when I finally drifted off to sleep, it was calm for the first time in the last three days. My body relaxed back against him, and in his sleep he tightened his grip on me and buried his head in my hair, taking in a deep breath, the hot exhale spreading over my shoulder comfortingly.


	24. By My Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early Morning attitude adjustments.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfhBoHKnTOY

I startled awake, my body shooting up from the mattress as the last images of my nightmare faded from my vision. I was panting, my body shaking and sweating. I turned, glancing down to Spencer, who was staring up at me, sad concern on his face as he watched the panic leave my body slowly. “Sorry.” I gasped, throwing the blankets off my body, only to hiss at the burn on my ass and legs. I glared down at the pain, as if it was a real person, then stood, needing to walk off the dream.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, his voice breaking with sleep as he too, sat up, facing toward me without leaving the bed. I shook my head, and in my vanity I saw him frown, but his eyes connected with mine in the reflection and he sighed.

“It wasn’t even really a nightmare.” I replied finally. I saw his head tilt and I turned to face him, deciding I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms. He read this on my face and opened his arms to me, allowing me to climb into his arms as he laid back down on the bed, my arms tucked safely between us. “It was just… panic. First I was trying to find my mom in the home, but no one knew where she was. And Jamie was there, just sitting there, not doing anything to help. And… my dad-” I trailed off, my hand stilling on his chest where I had begun drawing circles around a mole. 

“It’s a common trauma response,” he started, bringing a hand up to brush hair away from my face and tuck it behind my ear. “You are being asked to shoulder all these burdens, with no one to help you unload them.” He smiled, his hand resting on the side of my face, the weight grounding me to this waking world. “Even therapists need therapists.” He finished, shrugging and smiling a goofy smile. I couldn’t help but copy it, my face tilting in a disturbed and tired smile. 

“Who helps the last therapist then?” I teased and Spencer searched my eyes in the moonlit dark and I looked over his shoulder, watching as the sky was just beginning to turn grey, the memory of us in the park forcing itself to the forefront of my mind. 

“Like, who’s the alpha therapist?” He replied, drawing a giggle from my chest, a bright smile appearing on his face at the sound. 

“Yes, precisely.” I said seriously, trying not to laugh as I nodded. He mimicked my face, that serious consideration crossing his mind. 

“I suppose it’s a vicious cycle.” He replied with a non committal shrug. 

“It will remain a mystery.” I agreed, before the both of us laughed, my head dropping to his chest as his arms circled around me. 

We sat, breathing each other’s air for a moment, and I shifted, curling even closer into his side, breathing deeply the smell of him. His cologne had worn off by now, and all that I could smell was him. The slight smell of sweat and sleep lulling me back to sleep. 

*~*~*

When (Y/n)’s breathing finally evened out, Spencer took the time to examine her face closely. He had been awake from the moment she started twitching in her sleep, a nightmare of his own waking him moments before. He had considered reaching out to her to bring her close to him, but he knew from experience that all that would do would scare her, this house and life was restrictive enough, and in a state of half sleep which she would no doubt be in if he grabbed her, she would only panic and possibly lash out. 

Instead, he had started talking to her quietly, saying her name and telling her that he was there and that she was safe. She had started muttering, but the twitching stopped, and so he had brushed his fingers up and down her arm until finally she shot up, awake, breathing as if she had never had air before. 

Now, back asleep and peacefully smiling as she nuzzled into his chest, he traced the lines of her face with his eyes. The way her hair framed her face though she hated when it was in the way, subconsciously brushing it out of the way, even if there was nothing there she would repeat the motion, as if the thing bothering her was as easy to brush away as an errant strand of hair. How her eyes lit up when she spoke about something she loved, or how they shined with silent appreciation. He would do anything to make her look at him like that again. 

When he had appeared with the rose, you would think that she had never seen one before. Despite her confusion, she had hesitated, her body language changing from nervous to relaxed in seconds. Or when he bought her a bag of her favourite candy, or even just mentioned something she had said in passing, it was like no one had ever paid even a fraction of the attention to her that he did. 

Even without an eidetic memory, it wasn’t hard to remember someone’s favourite candy, or what they drank, or how they took their coffee. To him, it was common human decency, and it actually made him physically angry when he realized the disrespect that (Y/n) had to endure while here. If Kristen was just a fraction of the history here, without even being biologically family, he was concerned for the next morning. 

When (Y/n) spoke about her mother, there was love there, obviously, even he had love for his father despite their history, but there was a hesitance there, like she was unsure she would even be wanted in her mother’s life. There were no pictures of her father on the walls, only tucked away in corners, one was even face down, and the only reason he knew what it was was because when he locked the living room window, he had righted the frame thinking that it had been knocked over. 

Checking her brother’s room had been… interesting. It was a mess, but an attempt had been made to clean it recently. It was masculine, as was expected, but some obvious feminine influence had proven everything that Spencer needed to know. Though her father had been the patriarch, when he had passed, the family quickly turned into a matriarchy, and both brothers had lashed out in their own way to escape. One had gone the route of joining the military, and the other had turned to petty, and then real crime. (Y/n) had been left to face whatever repercussions came after. 

He held her tighter at that, hoping that maybe, just.. Maybe, if he held her tight enough he could meld those broken pieces back together and give her the strength to get through the next few days. He fell asleep light that, whispering to her how strong she was, and how much he believed in her. 

*~*~*

I didn’t wake up again until my alarm went off, and I shifted, feeling Spencer take a deep breath in as he too returned to the land of the living. “Good Morning.” I groaned sarcastically as my hand fished for my phone to snooze the alarm. We had a good hour and a half before we actually had to leave, but I knew I wouldn’t want to move, and when Spencer’s lips found my shoulder I smirked, knowing I made the right choice. 

“Good Morning, Baby.” He said sleepily, stretching his body beside me. I felt his heavy arm drape over my back and I turned, looking at him through my messy bed head. His own hair, though disheveled, looked perfectly soft, and so I indulged myself, reaching my hand out and running it through his locks, brushing them out of his face. 

“Ready to have a shitty day?” I teased, sighing dramatically as I pushed myself up to a sitting kneeling position, leaning my shoulders back to hear it crack satisfyingly. My rear still hurt, but I didn’t feel it as much as I did before, now just a dull ache. 

Spencer’s face fell into a frown, and he sat up, my eyes raking over his exposed upper body, remembering him tossing it off shortly after we fell asleep the first time. My eyes lingered on all the scars and imperfections, wondering if some day I could remember them all, and if he would tell me what he had done to earn them. “That’s not a positive attitude.” He commented and I shrugged, turning to crawl off the bed until his arm looped around my waist and pulled me back with such strength for so early in the morning I actually yelped in surprise as he situated me in his lap above the sheets. 

I giggled when I felt his stubble tickling my neck above the collar of my tanktop but it quickly trailed off in a heady moan as his hands trailed over my body, one landing on my breast, and the other drifting over my still sensitive tattoo. “Spencer…” I whined, and I felt him grin against my skin. 

“I think you need an attitude adjustment.” He replied suggestively, pulling away just to order me to turn around. I did so quickly, straddling his waist, once again remembering the park and how I had taunted him from this same position. The memory clearly came to his mind because he smirked, pulling us both up the bed so he could lean against the wall. 

My hips were already rocking by the time he placed his hands on my hips, pulling me back and forth slowly over him, the layers separating us frustratingly dulling the friction so that, while pleasurable, not nearly enough to get either of us off. That, and the pace he set for me, sending me a look that told me he expected me to keep that speed only, and I was frustrated in seconds. It had been ten days since we had slept together, and when he had all but confiscated my toys I was left to my own devices, trying to find any kind of comparable release, but to no avail. He had ruined me. Bastard. 

Spencer’s hands shifted up from my hips once he was sure I was going to keep his pace and trailed up under my tanktop to slip it over my head. I lifted my hands from where they had settled on his shoulders and he pulled it off, tossing it to join his shirt on the ground. The sleep bra I was wearing didn’t show much in terms of cleavage, but that didn’t bother Spencer, who despite the ugly gray fabric, cupped both my breasts in his hands and squeezed them tightly, causing my hips to stutter and pause. His eyes met mine in a dark glare and my breath hitched as I forced myself to work through the sensation and return to the pace he had set. “Good girl.” Came his only reply and I huffed out a needy breath. 

He flipped up the end of the bra, pulling it up to my shoulders before he let go, allowing me to remove it, allowing me to pause in my motions to do this. Not only was I not able to keep the pace, but I was about to tumble face first into the wall if I didn’t focus on the task at hand. He filled the silence by bringing his face to my chest, his hot breath fanning over the sensitive skin before he pulled both mounds together roughly and kissed between them. I sighed, my hands latching on to his brown curls, only to feel him pull away. “No, hands on the wall.” He growled, and I whined in protest while doing as he said anyway. 

I continued to drag my hips over his, my whines morphing into full on groans as his lips latched on to first one nipple, then the other, dragging his teeth over them to bring them to a point, then laving his tongue over them to tease them. Flicking the tip until I cried out, ducking my head at the sensation. Then, he would pull away, moving to the other, switching between them until I couldn’t handle it anymore and I began begging. 

“Plea-please, Sir. I.. I need more, please.” He stopped in his motions, one hand leaving my chest to grip my neck. My eyes shot to his and I grabbed his wrist with one of my hands. He didn’t cut off my air, just held me, and our eyes met as he stared me down. 

“You don’t like what I’m giving you?” He questioned, and I shook my head desperately, flinching as his eyebrow shot up.

“No!” I stammered. “No! I wa.. Want to feel you, Sir..” I put as much sex as I could into my words. “Need you inside me.” Surprisingly, it seemed to work, and as he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth, his tongue darting out moments later, I whined for added effect, my head dropping back and my eyes closing. 

Spencer’s free hand hooked into his boxers and I felt his hips lift under me as he kicked them off, my own shorts soon to follow as he pulled me forward by my neck, forcing me to lean over him and kick them off. When I returned to my original position however, I sat almost directly over him, and he waited, allowing me to guide him in at my own pace. He released me at that, and I sat up, fully seating myself down on him and my eyes slipped closed again, a shuddering breath leaving me as I adjusted to having him inside me again. 

“Is that what you wanted?” He growled, his fingers digging into the flesh of my hips as I nodded. “Excuse me?” He warned, a half hearted smack sounding in the room as his hand collided with previously unabused skin. 

“Yes! Yes, Sir.” I finally managed, letting my hips begin to rock, careful to return to his set pace. My mind turned to a blurry mush within minutes. I could feel Spencer staring at me from beneath me, watching as I rocked back and forth in shallow thrusts, breaths coming out in huffs as I sat back on him. One thrust in particular made me cry out and tip forward, and Spencer’s arms instantly wrapped around me, pulling me towards him and canting my hips up. 

I felt his feet brace on the bed, and then he began thrusting up into me, the pronographic sounds of my slick only egging him on further to the point where the sound of skin hitting skin in sharp deep thrusts joined in. Then I heard him groan, loud and long, in my ear. The sound surprised me, I had heard him before, obviously, but this time it was tortured, and even that mix of painful that only came from wanting impossibly more friction. 

“Fuck! Spencer…” I whined, burying my face in his neck, biting into his shoulder to quiet the raunchy sounds leaving me. I never knew sounds like that could leave my lips, I had heard them before falling from the lips of porn stars and the like, but coming from me? Never. That was just what he did to me, and he loved it as much as I did because his hips picked up speed and he tightened his grip, crushing me to him as an animalistic snarl-like groan left his lips. 

“Fuck, say it again.” He ordered, and I pulled my mouth from his skin, my eyes catching the line of teeth marks that remained. I sucked in air, trying to fill my lungs with enough air to obey, but each thrust stole the breath I tried to take. I used what I had, nearly crying out with effort as I called his name again. 

He stopped, and in a moment of dazed confusion I felt him sit up and shove my body to the mattress into a prone position. I scrambled for purchase on the sheets, but the weight of his body soon dispelled any hope I had of sitting up and I felt his hand slither under me and latch onto his favourite spot on my neck, turning my head so I was forced to look at him. That wild look in his eyes did something to me and my mouth fell open, a silent scream as I tried desperately to keep my eyes open. 

He slowed his thrusts at that, and the torturous push-pull of his pace now was such a 180 from the previous fast and hard assault on my body. The burn that had already started to engulf me slowed, but didn’t dim, if anything, it edged on this side of painful, the need to come overwhelming me, but there wasn’t enough to tip over, so instead, it just built and built. Spencer turned me, and in my twisted position, I was facing him, with my hips turned to the side, his free hand pressing into my side to hold me down as he panted. 

The minnumbing slowness was almost too much to bear and in a desperate attempt to get him to move faster I darted my hand out, running it along his body, pausing in delirious wonder when I felt his abs contract and expand under my fingertips, the sensation making my eyes want to roll back and my eyelids to flutter. “You want to come, you have to ask for it.” He spoke, his voice much more even and controlled than I thought was even fair.

My eyes opened wide, and I tried my best to make a noise that made any sense fall from my lips, but just when I tried, his hand tightened, cutting off any air, so all that came out was a desperate whine of need. Not to be accused of giving in, I forced air into my lungs when his hand released and pushed out my response. “Please.. Ma-may I,” He cut off the air again and I gave him a defiant glare which only served to make him smirk in a power hungry way. “Come, Sir?” I forced out. 

Spencer’s eyes lit up in a proud surprise, and in an act of true service, he released my neck to grip my hips fully, pressing me down in this awkward twisted position and returned to his punishing pace, his hair flopping with the effort and the sweat dampening his forehead. “Oh my good girl.” He groaned, throwing his head back for a moment before focusing on my face again. “Come for me.” He didn’t have to tell me twice as my body doubled over in pleasure and my face contorted in a silent scream, the air being stolen from my lungs as he worked me through it until he had to force himself to pull out, grabbing his cock in his hands and stroking himself through his finish, the warm fluid hitting my chest and stomach. 

My body was still twitching from aftershocks when Spencer quickly left the bed, grabbing his boxers from the floor to clean himself, and did a preliminary wiping of my body to allow me to turn over and rest on my back, panting as I watched him hurry to the bathroom and return a few moments later with a wet towel to do a more proper cleaning. Once he was sure I was clean, he dropped both used materials and the rest of our clothes into the laundry pile before returning to my side and scooping me into his arms, kissing my neck and chest as my breathing returned to a normal rhythm. 

“Fuck.” I breathed, my mind finally gaining enough sense to be able to voice the only word that came to mind. I expected him to chastise me, or even give me a smack, but he just huffed a laugh, lifting his head from my neck to press a kiss to my lips. 

“Fuck is right.” He echoed, lifting himself off me to roll over my side. “Fuck I missed you.” He sighed, his arm coming to pull me to his chest. 

I traced a circle over his chest, dragging my nails over his pectorals. He hissed and I felt his fingers twitch on my side and bit my lip… next time. “Looks like it wasn’t only me with a lot of pent up stress.” I teased, propping myself up on my elbow to look at him, my hand running through my sweaty hair. He hummed in agreement, watching me from where his head was supported by the pillows. 

“People not giving me answers makes my job difficult. And I would rather not have to pull teeth to get that information.” He supplied and I tilted my head to look at him curiously. 

“I think about what you are like at work all the time.” I commented, shrugging. “I know this side of you, and the sweet side,” I added when he gave me a look that had my stomach flipping. “And I kind of wonder how that translates to your job.” I shrugged. 

“You wouldn’t like me at my job.” He replied cryptically, which made me sit up curious, he looked me up and down, his eyes zeroing in on my breasts. He was such a guy sometimes. I stuck out my hand, tilting his head back to mine with an unamused expression. “I mean it, I’ve been told I’m annoying.” The hair on the back of my neck bristled and my face settled into an angry line. I was going to rip apart anyone who told this brilliant man he was annoying. Never in my life have I met someone who is so hungry for knowledge, and so willing to learn. If he was being annoying it was because he was ranting about something he was passionate about, which was everything, but then again, I was just as hungry to learn as he was to teach. We just worked like that. 

Spencer’s hand left where it had been trailing along my spine to brush along my forehead, smoothing the lines made by my frown until my face returned to a neutral expression. “You’re too beautiful to do anything other than be happy.” He said quietly, surprising me. I never really saw myself as beautiful. I knew I could be pretty sometimes, I had seen pictures of myself at my best. But if anything I saw myself as plain. Maybe that was why I was so surprised when Aiden showed interest in me. 

I was never one of those girls to date in middle school and junior high, even in High School I didn’t date seriously. I met Aiden in college and we just stayed together. My dad would tell me I was just intimidating, and that’s why people didn’t ask me out, but that was really just code to tell me that I needed to be more ladylike and demure. My best friend in High School had a new boy every week, probably because she acted like she didn’t know a fork from a hole in the ground, and boys ate that shit up. I couldn’t lower myself to do that, and moreover, I had standards, or at least I did… I’ll admit now that I settled for Aiden. 

Had I known someone like Spencer was waiting for me however, I would never have done that to myself. Though, I guess bad things have to happen right? Without him I’d never have met Spencer. So as much as I hated that Shit-for-brains, I owed him a lot, unfortunately. 

“Thank you, Spencer.” I said finally, moving forward to kiss him gently, he returned it, and then we both groaned in agitation as my phone began ringing loudly to signal my 15 minute snooze had done by. “We need to get up.” I sighed, pushing myself up and stretching my sore body as I sat up. 

Spencer whistled and I just glared at him playfully as he gave me a fake innocent look. “How can you expect me to want to get out of bed when you look like that.” He accused, and I just blushed, shaking my head at his antics. “Maybe when we get home I’ll tie you to the bed and keep you to myself.” His voice dropped low and I actually stumbled turning to look at him in surprise. He just placed his hands behind his head and watched me from half hooded eyes. 

“You’re going to make me late.” Came my only reply as I grabbed my shower bag and headed into the bathroom, closing the door with a purposeful click. 

*~*~*  
Spencer watched her go, smirking to himself as her walk was more of a sore waddle. Her rear was a pretty pink and in a sort of male bravado way he was satisfied with himself. As he pulled himself out of the bed, he checked the sheets for any bodily fluids, but finding nothing but sweat, he pulled the covers up and righted the bed, knowing the mess would only stress (Y/n) out. It was then that his phone rang and he checked the sound coming from the bathroom to hear if the water was running, hearing it still going and soft music playing so he knew he had time. 

“Hey Emily.” He croaked, clearing his throat. 

_“Sorry to call you so early Spence, do you have a second?”_ Emily sounded tired, so either she was stuck on a problem and needed his advice, or she was trying to sort through something and needed his memory. 

“Sure, what’s up?” He walked further from the bathroom door, standing by the window, glancing out the blinds to watch as a flock of birds took off from the small pond down the road. 

_“First off, how’s (Y/n)?”_ He smiled, then answered that she was fine, but stressed. _“That’s to be expected, listen, I need you to give time stamps from the time the first shots were fired to when we cleared the building.”_ Oh that was it? Easy. He began listing off the times and events listening as Emily scribbled them down on the other side of the phone. Reports were always the part of the job everyone hated, but Spencer didn’t mind it, in fact, it helped to organize his thoughts a lot better than anything else. _“You’re a lifesaver Spence. Thank you.”_

*~*~*

“Get some sleep Emily, you barely slept at all while we were gone.” I heard Spencer say from the other side of the door. I heard him talking previously, and not wanting to intrude on a conversation I had stayed in the bathroom. Though, curiosity got the best of me and I listened to the trail end of his conversation. My heart dropped at the name and affection he held for it. Trying to convince myself I was just being paranoid, I tied my hair up in a towel and painted a calm smile on my face before returning to the room. Spencer smiled, coming up to me and kissing my cheek as he made his own way to the bathroom. 

I turned to watch him, then my eyes darted to his phone which was plugged in on the nightstand. “No. Nope, you are not being that girlfriend.” I said to myself, forcing my nerves and jealousy down. Was it jealousy? Or was it an overabundance of caution? I paused, my eyes once again darting to his phone. I glared at myself in the mirror, pointing an accusatory finger at my own reflection. “Stop it. You are not that kind of person.” Feeling properly chastised, I turned my attention to getting dressed, pulling the long pink dress from my suitcase. I hated this damn dress. I thought it was way too feminine, an unflattering A-line cut, and if I was honest, it looked like it was made for an eight year old that happened to be my height. It was much too young for me, but my mother had made it, and it only felt right to wear it. 

I had only just finished drying my hair when Spencer emerged from the bathroom, steam flowing in his wake. His hair was moppy and wet, and the water trailed down his body to be collected in the towel around his waist. My eyes drank in the sight of the deep V of his hips, and when my eyes finally met his again, he was smirking. I glared at him, then a cheeky smile erupted on my face. “How do you expect me to get ready when you look like that?” I mimicked his words and it was his turn to roll his eyes, but I could see him trying to hide the laugh behind it. 

Spencer got dressed while I finished my make up, though I dreaded the idea of wearing anything more than eyeliner, I knew my mother would expect me to look nice. When it was all said and done, I looked more ready for church than just a visit to the care home. I turned in the mirror, looking at myself with a critic’s eye. “You’ve been staring at yourself for a good ten minutes. What are you trying to see?” he teased, and I sighed, looking at him in the reflection of the mirror as he tied his tie with practiced ease. 

“Anything my mother can complain about.” I retorted, finally just turning away from the mirror and clearing up my mess. I felt Spencer’s hand on my shoulder a moment later. 

“(Y/n), you look beautiful. I’ve never seen you this dressed up before.” He said quietly, and though I appreciated the compliment, it made my skin crawl at the same time. 

“And you probably won't for a while.” I replied, dumping my makeup into the bag and tossing the whole thing into my luggage. “The second we’re out of there I’m using a firehouse to clean this shit off.” Spencer’s face fell in concern. 

“Why don’t you wear something more comfortable then?” He asked, running his hands down my arms before pulling me to hug me from behind. 

“Because we are going to visit my mother, and if I look anything less than perfect she won’t stop commenting about how I look.” I said with an anxious sigh. He held me tight, kissing the side of my face. 

“Well, maybe I’m biased, because I think you would make a paper bag look beautiful.” I turned in his arms and he smiled down at me, an honest look of adoring on his face surprising me. 

“You think so?” I wasn’t fishing for compliments, but I needed to look him in the eyes, and hear him say it. He knew that, and he rested his forehead on mine as he spoke again. 

“I promise, I will never lie to you.” I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding, and suddenly the woman on the phone didn’t mean anything and I was completely secure in his arms again.


	25. Ripple Effect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer meets (Y/n)'s mom.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iroA1od4WO8

Spencer offered to drive to the care home, and I eagerly agreed. My heart was hammering in my chest anyway and I didn’t trust myself not to lose control if something happened. So, I showed him the directions on my phone and away we went. “Can we stop for coffee?” I asked, wringing my hands in the passenger seat of the truck. 

“Only if you get decaf.” He replied easily, and I turned to glare at him. He expected this reaction though and didn’t bother humouring me with a response. “You’re anxious enough without caffeine.” He added when I began pouting. “Behave, (Y/n).” He growled out when I still didn’t accept his conditions. 

I sighed. “Nevermind then.” I replied, realizing he was right. I hated when he was right. I shifted in my seat, pulling on the dress as it itched and overstimulated my skin. I hated lace, and every place lace could be, it was. I swear to god I’m going to burn this dress someday. 

I don’t know what happened to it mom! It was in my closet, I had brought it out to wear for work one day and poof! It was ashes. No I’m not sure why someone would sneak in and only burn a dress. What a shame. I laughed to myself, earning me a look of curious confusion from Spencer. I just waved him off, promising to explain later. 

The drive to the care home took about 10 minutes, and when the big building came into view, I really appreciated not having a coffee,knowing my heart would only be beating even harder. I hadn't stopped to see my mom before I left, and from the pissed off call I got from her at midnight the night I left, I knew for a fact she was not pleased with me. 

So imagine my surprise when her face lit up and she cheered when she saw me. Spencer’s hand on my lower back pushed me forward, and I hadn’t realized I stopped walking until I felt that pressure. “Oh! My baby! Look at my baby girl!” My mother called from across the room, causing every prying eye to snap up to see the topic of conversation. I swallowed thickly, but forced myself to smile as I extended my hands out to her and wrapped her in a hug. 

“Hi Mom. How are you feeling?” I asked, checking her over. Her motor skills have gotten worse, and only her right arm was able to move, and her left eye looked red and swollen like she wasn’t blinking enough. 

“Oh same as always.” She looked past me at that, and her face contorted in confusion and then concern as she eyed Spencer. “Who are you?” I flinched at the tone she used, but Spencer didn’t. Instead, he offered out his left hand for her to shake, expertly maneuvering around the side effects of my Mother’s stroke easily. 

“Hello Ma’am, my name is Spencer.” He introduced himself, looking to me for permission to explain our relationship. I nodded and he dipped his head politely. “I’m (Y/n)’s boyfriend.” My heart dropped when my mother’s hand retreated from his, giving him an accusing glare. 

“My daughter already has a boyfriend, and it isn’t you.” She hissed, and I stepped between them, breaking the line of sight. 

“Mom, Aiden and I broke up at the end of April, it’s the middle of July now.” I said, my heart stilling at the thought that her memory was getting worse. 

“No. He was here yesterday and told me that you two were just on a break.” I froze, my eyes darting over to Spencer who stiffened, then turned on his heel, his hand extending in a silent order to wait where I was. I watched him go before I turned my mother’s wheelchair from the direction of the nurses stand and turned her toward a chair where I sat, holding her hands in mine. 

“Okay, mom. Come tell me how you’ve been doing. I want to hear all about it.” Her face lit up again and she launched into a retelling of her daily routine, looking scandalously around as she filled me in on the gossip, all the while I tried to keep an eye on Spencer as he spoke quietly with a nurse. 

*~*~*

“Hello Sir! Can I help you?” The bubbly young nurse chirped as Spencer waved her down. 

“Hi, my name is Spencer Reid, I’m here visiting Eleanor (L/n), would you mind if I took a look at her visitors log please?” The nurse furrowed her brow in confusion. 

“I’m.. I’m sorry Sir, can I ask why?” She asked as she moved to the computer, already typing in her password despite her hesitance. 

“She made a comment about someone visiting her that her daughter was not aware was visiting, and it made her a bit uncomfortable, so if you don’t mind?” She made an ‘oh’ with her mouth then nodded, turning the screen for him to see. He leaned over the counter to look and his eyes saw red when he saw the name Aiden Brewster appearing almost daily. “Okay, thank you.” He said a moment later, and the nurse gave him a puzzled look. 

“You.. you want me to print it out so you can read it all or-” he shook his head. 

“No, thank you.” And he turned, forcing himself to calm down as he walked back to where (Y/n) and her mother were sitting, (Y/n)’s face contorted in a polite expression, though he could tell she wanted nothing more than to run. “(Y/n), can I talk to you for a second?” She startled, looking up to him before nodding, kissing her mother on the cheek as she stood. He led her a few steps away before speaking. “Aiden Brewster has been visiting your mother consistently for the last three months.” He watched as her face went pale. 

“What? Why?” He shrugged, his hand reaching out to comfort her by placing it on her arm. 

“Lets not worry about it right now, visit with your mom, and we can talk to a doctor about refusing him later okay? Right now you’re here for her.” She nodded and turned to look at her mother, before taking his hand and leading him to sit on the chair beside him. 

Her mother watched him carefully but didn’t mention their apparently taboo connection again. “Mom, Spencer and I have been dating for a few weeks. I am not dating Aiden anymore, despite what he says.” Her mother frowned, but nodded, extending her hand out to Spencer again. 

“Fine, let’s start over. I’m Eleanor.” Spencer smiled politely. 

“Spencer, it’s good to meet you officially ma’am, (Y/n)’s told me a lot about you.” he replied, placing an arm around (Y/n) in a gentlemanly way, his hand resting appropriately on her waist. She leaned into him, happy for the comfort, and he couldn’t help but kiss the top of her head, Eleanor’s eyes softening at the exchange. 

“And you still wanted to meet me? I’m surprised you haven’t accused me of being a horrible mother yet.” She quipped, her tone cutting. And it cut right through (Y/n) who did her best to hide the hurt in that sentence. 

“On the contrary.” He defended, his thumb rubbing against her to let her know that he wasn’t about to let that slide. “She has told me about how you run a tight ship, and how you were the inspiration she needed to follow her dreams and go away to college.” the thinly veiled insult didn’t get past (Y/n), who squeezed his knee both to tell him she heard him, and also to warn him. But he knew how to talk to narcissists, and when her mother smiled brightly and looked to her daughter as if to say ‘oh really’, he knew he had her figured out. 

“Well, I didn’t expect her to say that about me. According to her I was a tyrant who never let her do anything.” Came her snarky reply and he could feel (Y/n)’s attitude shift in an instant. 

“Mom!” She whispered loudly. “Stop it! I have never said that about you.” She argued, and Spencer knew the words about to leave her mouth before she spoke them, and if he could have saved (Y/n) from them he would have, but not even he had that power. 

“No, that’s right. You said that about your father, and look where that got you two.” The words were meant to hurt, and they did. “You’ve forgotten him, and the moment you put me in here you forgot about me.” 

“Mom, that’s not fair.” Came her surprisingly strong voice. Spencer expected it to at least break, or crack, but her sadness was not audible, and he had to hand it to her, she was a lot stronger than he would be. “All of us agreed that you would get the best care possible here, and it was a good thing too! Avery hasn’t been stateside in two years, Jamie was still in prison, and I couldn’t take care of you by myself!” 

“I took care of three of you by myself.” She retorted, pointing an angry finger at her daughter. Spencer’s blood was starting to boil, but he kept quiet, this wasn’t his fight. 

“What? Do you want me to thank you? You did your job as a mother, congratulations.” She snapped, and Spencer knew that now he needed to step in before things got ugly. 

“Sweetheart, why don’t you go talk to the doctor.” She shook her head, glaring at her mother with furious hurt. He turned his face to her, making as though to kiss her cheek but instead he spoke in her ear. “Take a walk. Now.” She paled for a second, her face shifting from furious to scared, and then she nodded, shooting up from her chair and disappearing around the corner to the nurses station. 

“She always did have a temper.” Her mother tossed over her shoulder, making sure (Y/n) heard it before turning back to Spencer, a pleasant smile on her face. The contradictory actions and words were giving him a headache. “So, Spencer. How did you meet my daughter?” He wanted to curse her out, but his training told him that when dealing with someone like this, the best option was to lull them into a sense of security, and let someone else deal the final blow, which was (Y/n)’s right. 

He smiled pleasantly, leaning forward and uncrossing his legs, trying to seem as open as possible. “At work, (Y/n) picked up a second job and we met there.” her mother nodded approvingly. 

“And what do you do?” She asked, using her functioning hand to pull her limp one to a more comfortable position on her lap. She wasn’t much older than 60 some, but strokes aged a person, and she looked older than some of the people around them, who most definitely were in their 80s if not later. His eyes hovered over one man who hadn’t moved in a while, worried he may have expired, only to watch him startle himself awake with a snore. 

The question registered in his mind a moment later and his eyes flicked up to (Y/n) who was speaking nervously with a doctor, who didn’t seem to be paying her any mind. “I work for the justice department.” He replied carefully, and he watched as her face twisted in impressed surprise. 

“The justice department? That must be very exciting.” She said, tilting her head, her eyes boring into his. 

“It can be.” He shot back, not to be intimidated by her. 

“You work long hours? Gone for days?” He nodded, not sure where exactly she was going with this. “I know men like you.” Ah, that’s where this was going. “You sleep around with whatever’s young and hot and then you leave her.” Spencer was offended at the accusation, but even more disturbed as to the implications for (Y/n)’s parents’ relationship. “You watch, you’ll get bored and then you’ll leave her.” She shrugged, only half her body moving. 

“I’m sorry, but what makes you think that I am anything like that.” His anger got the best of him and he wasn’t able to filter the words before they came out. 

“Because that’s what you all do.” She snapped, and Spencer’s face set in a serious line. 

“I love (Y/n).” He admitted, the words surprising the both of them. “And I am not going to leave her just because I get bored.” He insisted, watching as her face shifted from accusing and distrustful to respectable and composed.

“Good. That’s what I thought.” He blinked in surprise, she had tried to trick him? And worse still, it had worked. (Y/n) returned moments later with a doctor in tow, her mother rolling her eyes as she saw him. 

“Hello Ms. Eleanor, I didn’t know your daughter was coming to visit today.” He said pleasantly, and Spencer nodded respectfully to him. “I just need to speak to her for a moment alright?” Eleanor waved him off with a scoff, already turning her attention to Wheel of Fortune on the T.V. Spencer stood, following behind (Y/n) as the doctor spoke to them. 

*~*~*

“What is it Dr.Arnold?” I asked, already frustrated that the first doctor had all but ignored me when I tried to blacklist Aiden from visiting my mother. There were so many innocent reasons for him to visit, but so many more insidious ones too. 

Dr. Arnold sighed heavily and I felt my heart drop. “Your mother has been put on suicide watch.” He said suddenly, so suddenly that I took a step back, nearly falling into Spencer, who’s hands instantly shot out to offer me some support. 

“What?” I pushed out shakily, and he closed his eyes to try to find the right bedside manner to use. 

“A few nights ago, your mother was overheard speaking to another patient about stashing her medication and… well.” I swallowed thickly, my tongue feeling too big for my mouth. 

“Was there anything that could have triggered those emotions? Was it ideation or do you actually believe she would commit?” Spencer asked, his mind working much more clearly than my own. My own thoughts were running a million miles an hour. Mom had become seriously depressed after my father died, that's why she was put on medication, which ultimately led to her stroke. If they had reduced her depression medication prescription she could be reverting.

Dr. Arnold looked at Spencer curiously. “I’m sorry, I haven’t properly introduced myself.Dr. Robert Arnold.” He said, a smugness to his voice that indicated he was throwing his title around. It didn’t phase Spencer though, and I smirked, knowing what was coming. 

“Dr. Spencer Reid, may I see Eleanor’s chart?” I startled, hearing his last name for the first time my eyes darting up to his to see him staring down the man before him. The interaction created a tense atmosphere. 

“Where did you study?” Dr. Arnold questioned, obviously trying to pit their alma maters against each other. 

“Irrelevant,” Spencer shot back, and I had to bite my lip to keep from gasping at the command that Spencer was exuding. Even the much older man before him nearly took a step back. “May I see her chart please?” Spencer insisted, and to my surprise, the other man blinked first and he nodded, snapping his fingers to the young woman behind the desk who hurried to pull up my mother’s file. I glared at the man, his arrogance pissing me off more than I expected it to. 

Spencer thanked the nurse with a smile and a quiet dip of his head and she blushed, turning on her heel and vanishing away from the uncomfortable situation. Seconds after picking it up, Spencer put it down and I watched as he glared at the doctor. “Is there a problem?” Dr.Arnold challenged and Spencer nearly scoffed. 

“You took a patient with bi-polar depression, acute OCD, and a history of suicidal ideation off of her medication?” He demanded, and Dr. Arnold paled, sputtering. 

“She was in extreme pain, so we placed her on-”

“Tramadol, I see that. There was nothing you could give her beside that? You don’t think an Acetaminophen would have been acceptable? A narcotic was the only option?” Spencer’s voice was rising in volume and I placed a hand on his arm to calm him. His eyes latched on to me and while for a moment he directed his anger at me, it melted moments later. He sighed, turning his attention back to the doctor. “Excuse me, Doctor. I mean to say that as a medical professional you should understand that her safety is our top priority.” 

“Of course I do. But her comfort is mine.” He replied, which even I knew was the wrong thing to say. Spencer gave him a dangerous look and the man had the good sense to rephrase his words. “I assure you Dr.Reid, Eleanor is in the safest of hands here.” Not wanting to hear anymore, I pulled on Spencer’s arm, guiding him back to the living area, forcing him to break eye contact with the doctor. He stopped me in the hall, sighing deeply. 

“I’m sorry, (Y/n). I shouldn’t have intervened like that.” He apologized and I tutted, cupping his face with my hand. 

“You were defending my mother, how could I be made at you for that?” I questioned and he searched my eyes for a moment before nodding, accepting my forgiveness. “Even if she’s a raging bitch sometimes.” I teased. Spencer laughed, shaking his head at me. 

“She really is, isn't she?” I laughed out loud, pushing his shoulder to move him away from me.

He followed me into the visiting area, and we both walked back to my mother who was just finishing taking her medication, thanking the nurse as she walked away. “Mom?” She turned toward me, her eyes starting to get that spaced out look that always made me nervous. “Mom, the doctor said you’ve been saying some stuff that’s… not okay.” I tried carefully, and she just rolled her eyes at me. 

“So I made a joke that they took the wrong way, that’s not my fault.” She dismissed me, not even looking up. 

“Mom, you can’t make jokes like that.” I insisted, taking her hand in mine. “Especially not with your history.” 

“My _History_?” Shit. Her head snapped to look at me and I felt my blood go cold as her hand was pulled from mine angrily. “Maybe we need to take a look into _your_ history!” I stiffened, and from the heavy weight on my back, I knew Spencer heard the jab, and also saw my reaction. 

“Mrs. (L/n), I think it’s time that we get going. What do you think (Y/n)?” Spencer asked carefully, his hand tightening in the back of my dress enough to know I really didn’t have a choice. 

“Yea.” I croaked out, trying and failing to get my tone to remain level. “I’ll see you later okay mom?” She once again waved me off, dismissing my words as Spencer pulled me to my feet, hurrying me out the door and signing us out before ushering me into the truck and bracing himself on either side of the open door, watching as the tears of frustrated hurt began to blur my vision. 

“(Y/n), look at me.” He said quietly, and I tried to zone my eyes back in to look at him, but all I could manage was a faraway look that had his face setting in a stern line, and glancing around to check for anyone looking before he gripped my chin, jolting me back to the present, eyes locking on his. “There.” He said once I was back to reality. “Talk to me, what are you thinking.” 

“Did you see her?” I said, my voice breaking despite my best efforts. “How… broken she looked?” Spencer’s face softened, and he released my face. 

“I’m not worried about your mother right now, Dr.Arnold, however incompetent is right, she is safe here, both from others and herself. I’m worried about you.” He put emphasis on the last word and it was enough to stop the tears enough to allow me to speak clearly. 

“I’m fine, she cut deep a few times, but I’m fine, honestly.” I insisted when he gave me an unconvinced look. “She’s said a lot worse before.” I added, though it really wouldn’t help his anger any. 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” I shook my head, sighing deeply as I got myself under control, using the end of the dress to wipe at my tears, blinking when some makeup found it’s way into my sensitive eyes. “How about we get you home and into something more comfortable. Then we can go sit by the water, yea?” My face lit up and I nodded. “Alright, buckle up.” He said as he closed my door, careful not to catch my toes or fingers in the door. 

*~*~*

Spencer pulled into the driveway of the house, ordering (Y/n) to stay put while he grabbed her a change of clothes and make up wipes, and for once she didn’t argue, too busy drinking the ridiculously large and extremely sugary drink from Starbucks that she had somehow schmoozed him into allowing her to get. She all but danced in the seat like a happy child and it made him melt to see her happy after that whole ordeal. He had braced himself for it to be bad, but never like that. 

In two long steps, he was up the stairs and pushing into the kitchen, the distinctive smell of alcohol permeating his nostrils, making him stop short as Kristen appeared in the doorway, an accusing look on her face as she pointed at him, a half empty bottle of- he sniffed the air- moonshine, of course, sloshing in her hand. “You!” She slurred, and he sighed, looking over his shoulder to see (Y/n) playing on her phone, a long green straw hanging out of her mouth, totally unaware. 

“Kristen, you’re back.” He said carefully, holding his hands up in a sign of submission as he took a few steps towards her, her hair a mess, and large purple bags under her eyes. She hadn’t slept, and it looked like from her state that when the Alcohol ran out at her cousins, she had come back here, obviously finding what she was looking for. 

“ _Kristen, you’re back_ ” She mocked, making a big show of copying his movements. “Don’t pretend like you care or were _worried_.” She teetered in her spot, her shoulder connecting with the wall as she tried to lean against it casually. “ I know **exactly** who you are.” His heart stopped when he watched his badge and gun fall from her other hand, landing on the table with a thump as she motioned to it. “Does (Y/n) know about this?” She challenged, and Spencer’s face hardened into his work mode as he dropped his hands, glaring at her as she picked up the gun by it’s holster dangling it between her thumb and forefinger as if it wasn't a loaded weapon. 

“Those things were hidden in my bag. To find them, you would have to have rooted through my things. On top of that, stealing or gaining unauthorized possession of a federal agent’s credentials and weapon is not only a really easy way to get yourself 15 years in prison, but also extremely easy for a prosecution to refute your character witness for Jamie, so I want you to think really hard about your next choice.” Spencer said dangerously, and with a satisfied feeling that he daren’t let make it to his face, he watched as her face went pale. But in a frustrating turn of events, she shook her head, returning to glaring at him. 

“Don’t try to confuse me with your lies. Answer my question! Does. (Y/n). Know?” Spencer’s heart leapt into his throat and once again he was required to take the defensive, raising his hands to her when she took a step back in response to him moving forward, watching her carefully as he reached for his badge and slid it into his pocket. 

“No. She doesn’t.” He admitted, and Kristen nodded, a sad expression painting over her face. 

“She’s never going to forgive you.” She shot back, her voice garbled and weak due to the alcohol, and probably the drugs in her system. “The FBI turned down the case about her dad.” She said, stumbling to the side as she dropped the gun to the table, which he quickly grabbed, breathing a sigh of relief when it was out of reach, then he heard her words. 

“What?” He questioned, despite knowing that it wasn’t smart to show a suspect that they had gotten to you. But, he reminded himself, this wasn’t a suspect, this was the family of the girl her loves, the girl who apparently his organization had let down. 

“Yep.” She popped the ‘p’. “Eleanor all but begged the FBI to do something to try to find Conrad’s killers, but… you guys were too busy with more important things.” She made air quotes, but their placement made no sense, only maybe to her. “So instead of answers, all they got was a folded flag and a life insurance check.” She turned on her heel, and Spencer listened as she stumbled her way to the back of the house, the sound of her door closing loudly behind her. 

He looked down to the items in his hands, shame filling him. He wondered with a sickening feeling if JJ had read through that case, and deemed it open and shut, pushing the file to the pile of cases the bureau refused. A honking from the driveway snapped him out of it, and he shook his head, hurrying to hide both the badge and gun from Kristen and to retrieve the supplies he promised.


	26. Just Say It Out Loud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ((CW HOMOPHOBIC SLURS))
> 
> (Y/n) and Spencer face a demon, and (Y/n) learns something she wishes she never knew.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfxoC8frUSU

“Are you okay?” I asked, sensing an unsease in Spencer’s body language as he slid into the car, placing the baggie of makeup wipes in my lap, followed by placing the bag of what I could see was leggings and a tanktop at my feet. 

He nodded, putting the car in reverse to pull out and head for the lake. It kind of impressed me how easily he got around already. “Yes, Kristen was there.” I stiffened, pausing in the motion of bringing the wipe to my face. 

“Oh?” I asked, starting to wipe at the caked on pigment on my skin when he didn’t look at me. 

“She's.. uhm.. Drunk.” I sighed loudly, shaking my head. 

“Ask me if I’m surprised.” I scoffed, rubbing roughly at my face until all of the makeup was gone. It took two wipes, but it was finally off and I could breathe. I dropped a few drops of visine in my eyes from my purse and blinked as it soothed my irritated corneas. “Did she say anything?” He shook his head and I nodded, grabbing the leggings from the back and unbuckling my seatbelt in order to lift my hips and slide them on. Spencer watched me out of the corner of his eyes, focusing on the road primarily to avoid danger, but still unable to help himself as the motion exposed parts of me to his view. 

I smirked, sliding the tanktop over my head before pulling the dress off through it, not exposing my chest in the slightest. “You know, I’m too impressed to be mad.” He said with a small laugh and I shrugged smuggly. 

“You want a show, you have to pay for it.” I retorted, which only earned me a look from him, a raised eyebrow and a challenge in his eyes. I laughed awkwardly and cleared my throat. “Uhm.. First ones free?” 

“That’s what I thought.” He replied, his hand leaving the wheel to latch on to my now fabric covered leg, gripping the flesh tightly. I smirked, turning to look out the window, watching as my childhood town flew by. 

We arrived at the Bangor waterfront on the banks of the Penobscot river just before noon. I retrieved the blanket from the back of the truck that Spencer had grabbed from the room and tossed it over my shoulder as he parked and turned off the engine. Happily, I hopped out of the passenger seat and waited for him to come around the front of the engine, and walk beside me as we found a place to sit on the grass, just past the pavilion. 

Spencer settled on the blanket, and I laid perpendicular to him, my head in his lap. He began running his hand through my hair absently, the repetitive and calming motion relieving a headache and lulling me into that dizzy warm state that I was craving. Turning my brain off really helped me get through some of the worst moments. “Hey Spencer?” He made a ‘Hmm?’ noise and I opened my eyes to see him looking down at me, his brown hair making a halo around his head in the sun. “I’m sorry for how my mother acted.” His face fell and he sighed. 

“You don’t need to apologize, (Y/n).” He replied, cupping the side of my face. “Trust me, if anyone is going to understand, it’s me. My mother has Paranoid Schizophrenia, I’m used to insults being hurled at me and those around me. I’m just sorry that it was such a nasty interaction for you. I could tell you were trying not to get upset.” 

I sat up, and his hand moved from my face to rest on my hip as I turned to him. “Oh, Spencer. I’m sorry.” He rolled his eyes playfully and leaned forward to kiss me. 

“I’m not telling you that to turn this on me.” I shook my head, I knew he wasn’t, he was empathizing. “I’m telling you because you deserve to know that people like us, who have dealt with situations like this can still be successful and we are not the people we are forced to think we are.” I blinked a few times, not really knowing how he could see through me so easily.

“Is that why you got your doctorate?” He smirked and laughed, shrugging but then shaking his head. 

“I wanted to try to find a cure for Schizophrenia, I still do. But like I told you before, we are young, and things like that take time. No, I got my doctorates as a way to channel my anger at my dad.” Again, i blinked in surprise.

“Doctorates? Plural?” I shook my head. “Now I know you’re lying. You can’t be any older than 35 and you’re telling me you have not one but two doctorates?” He leaned back on his elbows, looking up at me as he shrugged. 

“Engineering, Mathematics, and Chemistry.” He listed off on his fingers. Smugly holding up his hand to show me and waving it slightly. “Three. I can show you my transcript if you want.” He teased and I smacked his arm, which only made him laugh. 

“Fuck outta here.” I exclaimed shaking my head and crossing my arms childishly. “You’d have to be a genius.

“Are you saying you think I’m not?” he teased again, laying a hand on his chest in mock hurt. 

“Are you?” 

“Yes.” I scoffed. “I have an IQ of 187.” He said seriously and I searched his eyes for any deceit. “I promised you I would never lie to you, didn’t I?” I nodded. “So?” He made a motion as if to punctuate his point. 

I suddenly felt very inadequate next to him. I had never done an IQ test, mostly because I didn’t want to know, but then again, I would probably score average, which was what? 90? 100? I couldn’t even fathom how his mind must work. He seemed concerned at my silence and I forced a smile. “Professor? That has to be it right? That makes sense.” He tilted his head as if he wasn’t fooled by my deflection but he dropped it, making a face of consideration. 

“I do teach, yes.” I clapped my hands in surprised joy, which quickly deflated when he smirked. “But only when I have my furlough period off my day job. It’s more of a hobby really.” I scoffed and shook my head, a face of disbelief. 

“You have to be kidding me. You’re really a 35 year old genius, with an insane IQ, who moonlights as a professor and a professional dominant, who is a full time psychoanalyst?” I added the last bit, trying to see if I was getting anywhere close. 

“No.” I made as if to scold him for lying, but he held up a finger and gave me a serious (yet playful) look. “I’m not technically a psychoanalyst. I analyze psychos… but.” I gave him a look, and his eyes searched mine. 

“Dr. Reid, did you just try to make a pun?” I asked elated, and I watched as his eyes blew wide at the use of his title, and then his face light up red as he blushed. 

“How’d I do?” He asked shyly and my heart melted and exploded all at once.I leaned forward, capturing his face in either of my hands tenderly, and brought my lips down to his to kiss him softly before I pulled away slowly, watching with a satisfied glee as his eyes fluttered open again. 

“You did wonderfully.” I said quietly, and his arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me to lay over him, and I giggled, pushing myself up. “Careful, I think 12 might not appreciate the public display.” Spencer sat up at that, a strange look on his face as he turned to look over my shoulder at the Bangor police car that sat idling down the way from us. 

“He’s still here?” He asked, placing me behind him as he stared down the cop. 

“Hey it’s okay, he’s probably on break or something.” I replied, nervously placing my hands on his bicep when I saw him start to get to his feet. “Spencer, please, it’s fine, this is a small city he probably knows someone.” Spencer wasn’t convinced, and he got to his feet, making as if to start walking towards the squad car. I hurried to follow him, but just as I got to my feet I saw the car pull out and speed off down the road. 

Spencer stopped and I rushed to his side. “Well if that isn’t guilty I don’t know what is.” He mumbled. 

“Why would you do that!” I said angrily, pulling on his arm to make him face me. “Are you crazy! He might have shot you!” 

“I’d like to see him try.” Spencer said with a scoff and I glared at him. 

“Well I wouldn’t!” My voice broke against my will and Spencer instantly turned to look at me, concern and guilt overriding his face. 

“(Y/n), I am so sorry. That was really inexcusable of me to say.” I blinked, taking a step back from him. I had expected a fight, maybe him telling me that I was being over dramatic, but, he didn’t. He understood immediately that the thought of something happening to him threw me instantly back to the day my dad was killed, and he realized that he had triggered the fear, and he apologized. 

“What?” I couldn’t help but be confused, and Spencer wrapped me in his arms, kissing the top of my head as he walked me back to the blanket, sitting me down on the fabric as he rubbed comforting circles on my arm. 

“(Y/n), I think we need to have a little talk about some things.” I felt nerves build in me instantly, but when he corrected his words, explaining that he wasn’t mad, nor was I in trouble, I relaxed. “(Y/n), due to the nature of my work, I am very trauma informed. I understand and know the signs of traumatic events and I understand how their effects can follow someone well into their adulthood.” I nodded, following so far.

“Sorry, I guess I’m really not used to people apologizing for things like that.” I said quietly, picking at the skin around my fingers, Spencer’s hand laid over mine, silently asking that I stop and look up to him. 

“That’s why we need to talk about this, I need you to know that you deserve to be with someone who respects you and your history.” He sighed, taking my hands tightly. “Which.. Is why I think I need to tell you what I do.” My heart dropped and I shook my head. 

“No, I’m supposed to gue-” He put a hand up and I stopped, my heart beating widely. Suddenly the idea of the pot and the bets fell away. I felt like this was something so completely small about Spencer, and yet I didn’t know it at all. I mean, hell I only learned his last name today. It kinda felt shitty, I won’t lie, to know that I really didn’t know much about the man before me. What I did know was important, don’t get me wrong, but he knew so much about me and my family, and I barely knew anything about him. 

I knew he’s an only child, and he had mentioned in passing that he didn’t really talk to his dad, the comment about earning degrees to spite him made so much sense now that I thought about it. His mother, when he mentioned her he held in great revere, I only knew about her diagnosis now. Everything else, however miniscule, seemed related to his job. I barely knew him… actually, but what I knew I loved. 

_Loved_? Was I in love? Of course I was, but neither of us said it, at least, not out loud, nor in so many words. But he had flown all the way here to be with me, and he was so supportive, and the way we looked at each other? Love. 

“I know.” He said, breaking my silent battle. “But I think that you deserve to know.” I took in a deep breath, bracing myself for the answer, but I had no idea what to expect. “The truth is. I work fo-” The sound of a door slamming and someone shouting my name cut him off and we both turned to see the source of the noise. 

My heart dropped and my hands froze. “Aiden?” I breathed quietly, and instantly Spencer was in defense mode, his face setting in a serious and solid line as my Ex-boyfriend lumbered up to us. 

*~*~*

FUCK! Really? Spencer didn’t really believe in an all seeing power of the universe, he was too logical for that. But when he saw the immense wall of man that was Aiden Brewster charging his way towards them, he believed that maybe the powers that be were telling him that right now, him telling (Y/n) about his job with the FBI was only going to hurt her, and not help. 

For right now, he could push aside the internal debate on the greater powers to protect (Y/n) from the man quickly gain ground on them. Spencer stood, and felt (Y/n) stand and subconsciously hide herself behind him. He wanted to strangle this man. He could feel and hear the fear in her voice when she said his name, and his obsessive behaviour towards her family led him to a hypothesis that was only confirmed when he stopped just beyond their blanket, glaring at him. No, at (Y/n). This man was an obsessive abuser. 

“You think you can just black list me from seeing your mother?” Aiden was a bearded man, probably 6’4”, a solid wall of 300 or so pounds of muscle. Ron Pope. That's who he looked like. Spencer remembered JJ saying how much she loved his music, and the burly man before him was a deadringer, minus the braids. 

“Aiden, I-” (Y/n) started, trying to placate the man in front of her and stepping around Spencer, who didn’t let her get more than a few inches around him before his arm shot out and pushed her behind him again. 

“How did you find us?” Spencer knew the instant that cop sped away that there was something going on, and when Aiden showed up not moments after he left, his suspicions were confirmed. 

“A buddy of mine said he saw someone driving Jamie’s truck, thought it was stolen, so I came to check it out.” He said, his dark eyes meeting Spencer’s, the two men staring each other down, daring the other to move. “Who the fuck are you?” 

“Aiden, this is my… my boyfriend, Spencer.” Her voice was rising in pitch, she was terrified, and trying to push it down. 

“You’re dating faggots now?” Spencer’s blood instantly boiled and he heard (Y/n) suck in a breath and flinch beside him. 

“Oh that’s nice. Throwing around slurs?” She taunted from behind him, only to stop when he gave her a warning look over his shoulder. She pulled back, and Aiden smirked. 

“I knew you wouldn’t be able to survive on your own. I told you that, you found another guy to push you around and tell you what to do because you can’t do anything by yourself.” He looked Spencer up and down, and scoffed. “Hell of a choice though, I doubt he’s much of a man at all.” 

Unamused, Spencer crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t have to defend myself, or my sexuality to you, mostly because it’s none of your business. What is your business, and now mine, because you made it so, is that you are harassing and stalking my girlfriend.” Aiden threw out his hands, turning to look to the other people who had gathered around them to enjoy the sun, all trying their best to ignore the scene unfolding in front of them. 

“You hear this shit? This fucking fag thinks I give a shit about him.” He turned back to Spencer, pointing a finger and glaring at him. “You think for one second you scare me, you need to really reconsider. I have every cop in this town’s number.” He smirked down to (Y/n), who was desperately trying to melt into the floor. “Just ask your brother Jamie.” Her eyes snapped up to him at this point. “Ask him who pulled him over.” He smirked a sickening look, his eyes drifting up to Spencers and winking before he turned on his heel. “Good luck trying to get him out of that one.” 

Spencer, in all his years as an agent, never once was happy he didn’t have his weapon on him. He had never wanted to fire on a civilian before, not seriously, but when the words hit him, and he understood their meaning, he was ready to kill. (Y/n) made a noise behind him, the realization hitting her at the same time and he turned, his arms hooking under hers to slowly bring her to the ground as he knees gave out. 

“He.. he framed him..He.. Jamie.” She couldn’t get the words out and Spencer shushed her. 

“Okay, (Y/n), breathe baby, I heard him. We can fix this. It’s okay. Breathe.” She pulled in desperate gulps of air as he glared over his shoulder, watching as Aiden peeled out of the parking lot and sped off down the road. “I’m right here, you’re okay, he’s not going to hurt you.” She had started shaking, and in her panic had curled her fingers into his shirt and wasn’t able to let go. A woman from the spot beside them rushed over, an open water bottle in her hand. Spencer accepted it gratefully, and brought it to her lips, and she took a few sips. It would help her brain to refocus, and the cold would shock her system a bit to make it so she could get in a full breath. 

When she finally did, he was able to detach her hands from his shirt and instead hook his arms under her back and her legs. Hoisting her up into his arms, he brought her to the car, pulling open the door and setting her inside. “I’m going to go grab our things, I’m going to lock the door and leave you in here for just a moment okay?” She nodded, her breathing starting to steady as she fought off the panic attack. He kissed the side of her head on instinct and was surprised when she relaxed visibly at that. 

He rushed to collect their things, his faith in humanity being restored as he realized others who had seen what just happened had begun cleaning up their items to make it easier for him to collect them. He thanked them quietly and returned to the car where (Y/n) had stopped shaking and instead was staring blankly ahead, her thumb rubbing repeatedly over the skin of the other hand, calming her. 

“(Y/n)?” She nodded, turning to look at him with once again distant eyes. This day was just not going well for her was it? “I’m going to make a call okay? I’ll be right here.” She nodded, and he closed the door, reaching for his work phone and dialing Garcia. 

_“Boy wonder! What a surprise. What can my ever present wealth of knowledge do for you?”_. The normalcy in the decidedly not normal interaction calmed him and he sighed heavily. _“Oh, oh no what happened? Is everything okay? Is (Y/n) okay?”_

“Penelope, I need you to get me everything you can on an ‘Aiden Brewster’. License plate of Maine, 827 55CW.” He heard clicking on the other end of the line and shuffled his feet nervously. 

_“What a quinky-dink, Morgan asked me to run a similar name for a guy in D.C. a few weeks ago, nothing came up..”_ She trailed off, and Spencer furrowed his brow in confusion, turning to look at (Y/n) over his shoulder. 

“Whatever you find, send it to my work phone… and… well, I might need the team on this.” He sighed, he never liked to get involved in non-bureau affairs, but technically, due to protocol, he had had someone admit to a crime where an innocent man was about to be put in jail. He had to do something… this had nothing to do with the fact that he felt immense guilt about the FBI failing her before. 

_“Spencer? Is everything okay?”_

“Can you just… can you please just let them know? I’m going to call Emily now.” Garcia agreed, offering her support before she disconnected and he auto dialed Prentiss. “Emily? I need your help.”


	27. I Don't Deserve It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When worlds collide.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvxC46-duOI

Grace walked up the last few steps intp (Y/n)’s apartment, two grocery bags on either of her arms as she sent the final text to (Y/n) letting her know that she had picked up the things she needed and brought them to the house. She looked up, concerned at first that the door was open, but when Daisy chased after a toy that was tossed, her tail wagging furiously as she ran back. She poked her head in, recognizing both men as soon as they recognized her. 

“Grace!”

“Hey Derek.” She said, breathing a sigh of relief as she entered the apartment, emptying the bags she was carrying and spilled them out, placing the soap and other cleaning supplies under the sink and then opened the baking powder, sliding it into the fridge. She didn’t know why (Y/n) asked her to replace the old box, chalking it up to some weird northern thing. “I didn’t know you’d be here.” She said, finally addressing them again. 

“Me and my friend Dave were playing poker and I wanted to check on Daisy.” The dog squeaked her toy a few times in greeting. Grace smiled, waving to the pup. “Did you see the letter (Y/n) got? I haven’t opened it but it’s from the adoption agency. I think she got Daisy.” 

“Fuck I hope so.” Grace said, flinching when she realized that there was another man in the room, a man she knew too well. From the awkward shuffling of his feet, he realized when she walked in who she was. “With all the shit that’s going on, I’d go and hold them at gun point.” 

“How’s she doing anyway?” Derek asked, standing to help Grace place a box of cereal on the top shelf. 

“Well, Spencer went up to see her, and from what she’s said he’s helping a lot.” Both men froze, and Grace looked up from where she had stolen a cookie from a box, looking carefully between them. 

“Spencer?” Dave asked, sitting up, his eyes locking on Grace, a nervous glance to Derek informing her of a silent conversation. 

“Yea… Spencer? Six one, scrawny, brown hair?” Grace said carefully, her heart beating quickly. “Why, is there something I should know?” 

Dave’s face spread into a wide grin, and Derek scoffed, leaning his lower back on the counter. “You’re telling me that Spencer Reid, is dating your neighbor, and you didn’t know?” He directed at Derek who just glared at him good naturedly. 

“He never gave me a name! And she told me his name was Aiden.” Derek rubbed his face a giddy smile on his face. 

“Wait… you know Spencer?” Grace asked, shaking her head and looking between them. “How?”

“We work with him, I mean I do, Derek doesn’t anymore.” 

Grace’s face lit up and she hopped on her feet with a bright smile and a laugh. “Wait so you know what his day job is!?” They nodded. “Oh come on, you gotta tell me. We’ve got a pot going!” The men looked to each other carefully, Dave shrugged and nodded and Derek sighed defeated, but the smile on his face was clear that it was not out of reluctance. 

“He’s a Profiler with the FBI.” Derek said easily. “So is Dave, and so was I.” Grace’s jaw dropped dramatically and she looked between both men to see if they were lying. 

“Shut the fuck up. No way.” Dave smirked, and stood, reaching into his back pocket to produce what at first looked like a wallet, but when he flipped it open, was a badge and FBI credentials. Grace snatched it from his hand, turning it over in hers to look at it more clearly. Dave made a face of amused annoyance and rolled his eyes. “Shut the fuck up, there is no way Spencer is an FBI agent.” 

“One of the best.” Dave said, taking his badge back and sliding it into his breast pocket. “And it’s obvious from this he can keep one hell of a secret.” He mumbled, looking over to Derek who was still trying to comprehend that the kid he called a son and the girl down the road he was furiously protective over were now dating. He didn’t know who to interrogate or who to defend with a shotgun on his front porch. 

“You look like you’re having a crisis… are you having a crisis?” Grace asked, grabbing a cup and filling it with water before she handed it to Derek. He took it, actually realizing how dry his mouth was at that moment. 

“So you’re telling me that (Y/n) doesn’t know what Spencer does?” Derek asked after finishing his drink. 

“None of us do, until now I guess. He always kept it a big secret, I didn’t even know his last name until you said it. I mean, we knew he worked with you, Dave, because (Y/n) was with him when you called I guess, but other than that,” She shrugged. “I mean I only knew you from your books, so I just thought you were an author.” 

“Hold up, you read his books?” Derek teased, his eyes bright from this new ammunition to use against his friend. 

“I bought them.” Grace corrected, and Dave made a fake offended look but she just waved him off. “The issue now is do we tell (Y/n) or not?” Derek immediately shook his head. 

“From what I know about (Y/n), she doesn’t trust police, I doubt she’ll trust a Fed, but more importantly, that’s Spencer’s choice to make. He needs to tell her when he’s ready, in his way.” Grace nodded in agreement. 

“With everything going on with her family right now,” Dave shook his head. “I think it’s only fair if we act like we don’t know, and that this,” he indicated between the three of them. “Never happened.” The other two nodded in serious agreement. 

“Deal.” Grace said, taking another bite of her cookie. “But. I am going to tell my girlfriend.” The men sighed but nodded in reluctant agreement, each of them taking a cookie from the offered box. 

*~*~*

_“I”m sorry Spence, but we can’t help unless we’ve been invited in, you know that.”_ Emily said over the phone, frustration and sadness in her own voice over the situation. Spencer turned over his shoulder, watching (Y/n) from the window where she was sitting on the back porch of the house, staring off into the distance, a book open on her lap. She hadn’t turned the page in a while, but he could tell from her body language her brain had finally shut off and she was peacefully in her own thoughts. 

“I understand that, but I had someone admit to a crime in front of me. I didn’t have my credentials or my cuffs on me so I couldn’t do anything, and especially not in front of (Y/n).” He sighed, running a hand through his hair in anxious frustration. 

_“You still haven’t told her?”_ He bit his lip, worrying it between his teeth.

“I was going to, but then this all happened.” There was a beep on the line and Garcia joined the call, letting him know that JJ was about to join. “Hey Jennifer.” 

_“Oh, full name, that’s not good. What’s going on, Garcia told me that you have a case?”_ Spencer launched into the full explanation for the last few days, and by the angry scoffing and muttering coming from all three women, he knew that he was right in his anger. _“Excuse my language, but that mother fucker!”_ She whispered the last bit so he knew that the kids must be nearby. He smiled. 

_“JJ is there anyway that Spencer can advocate at all? Like, there has to be something he can’t just not do something.”_ Garcia rambled only to be cut off by Prentiss. 

_“Penelope’s right. You can talk to the defence and try to allow them to add a statement, with your title and rank you might be able to sway the case, and then get the BAU involved. But, do you want to do that?”_ He looked out the window again, (Y/n) had returned to reading her book, a soft smile on her face, the remnants of her lunch within distance for her to pick at. He sighed, thank god she was eating. 

“Her brother deserves justice. They all do.” He said firmly, and he heard Emily sigh. 

_“Fine, then I’m authorising you to offer the BAU for this.”_ There was slight cheering from Garcia’s side and Spencer couldn’t help but laugh and smile down to his feet, leave it to Penelope to bring light to such a dark day. 

_“Spence?”_

“Yea Emily?” 

_“Go get this son of a bitch.”_

“Yes ma’am.” Spencer replied before hanging up the phone, placing it in his pocket before he used his elbow to open the door, grabbing the tea cup he had made previously from the counter.

*~*~*

The sliding door drew me out of my thoughts and I smiled up at Spencer who handed me my cup of tea. “Thanks.” I said quietly, taking the cup from him and wrapping my hands around it. The air had changed, and the once warm and sunny day quickly went to cool and breezy. The blanket around my legs was keeping me warm, but a tea would do the trick too. “Who was on the phone?” I asked tiredly, moving over on the bench so he could join me, lifting my legs as he pulled them onto his lap. 

“Work.” He replied easily. “I needed to speak with my boss.” 

My heart fell into my stomach. “I hope you’re not getting in trouble by being here.” I said nervously and relaxed when he smiled kindly and shook his head. 

“No, not at all, she actually wanted me to tell you that she’s thinking of you and hopes everything goes well.” I smiled my eyes getting teary. It was nice to know people cared, and when the girls would text me (trying to call was a pain in the ass so we just texted as opposed to facetime), they would always tell me how much they missed me. I was getting near daily daisy pictures from both Derek and whichever of the girls was watching her for the day. 

“That reminds me, Kristen is going to the jail tomorrow to visit Jamie. I guess she made a big enough stink that the judge is allowing her to visit, are you going to be okay here on your own?” He smirked but nodded. 

“I think I can manage.” He pulled me into his side and I leaned my head on his shoulder, snuggling into his comfortable warmth. “Are you going to be okay? I know what Aiden said is still bothering you.”

“Since it’s technically a federal offense, he’s in a federal holding cell. No town cops.” Spencer nodded, kissing my head. “I’ll be okay. And if for whatever reason shit hits the fan I can call you.” I felt him puff up his chest in pride and he pressed his lips once more to the side of my head, holding them there for a while longer.

“That’s absolutely right. I will be right here, always.” I snuggled against him more and took a sip of my tea. 

“I wish you could have met my dad. I think he would have liked you.” I said suddenly, surprising the both of us. I tilted my head up to him, trying to gauge his reaction, and to my surprise, he looked shocked, but also disturbed, like he didn’t really know how to react. 

“Really?” His voice was quiet, and higher pitched than I had ever heard it, his eye twitched in a nervous blink and I smiled, kissing under his chin, the only place I could reach due to my angle. 

“He would probably run you through the wringer, but yea, I think so.” I said quietly, wrapping my arm around his back to pull myself closer. My love language wasn’t physical touch, and I knew it wasn’t Spencer’s, well, maybe not his top one, but for some reason, with each other, we couldn’t stop touching one another. We were both touch starved I guess.

Spencer huffed a sound in his chest, like a sobered laugh, then his arm came to curl against my side. “My mom would like you.” He said in response. “Maybe when we get back we can make a trip to go visit her, and if she’s lucid enough I can introduce you.” I felt a sad and heavy weight in my chest. Spencer had told me about his mother briefly, and since then we had talked about it in passing, but I didn’t know the first thing about schizophrenia, and I couldn’t help him, so all I could do was be there for him when he divulged more about his life. 

From what I could tell, his mother was institutionalized since he was 18, and before that, he was her primary caretaker. That must have been so exhausting, my mother wasn’t nearly that bad, and I really became her caretaker in my 20s when the stroke happened, but that was really for less than a year. I had deduced his relationship with his father was bad, but when he had told me that he had all but dropped off the face of the earth? I wanted to cry for him. We hadn’t gotten far into the conversation before his phone rang and he excused himself to go talk. 

“I’d really like that. I want to tell her the hero her son is.” The look he gave me was a mix of guilt, sadness, but most importantly, love. My face fell to match it, and then his lips were on mine in a passionate kiss that had my toes curling under the blanket. But neither of us let it get any farther than that, both of us pulling away as our breathing became heavier. We were both tired, emoitnally and physically from the last few days, and while it was never not good sex, the effort to actually do it was just not in us. And honestly, that was okay. 

I don’t know how long we sat out on the deck, the two of us dozing in and out as the sound of the stream behind the house lulled us into a half awake state. The only reason I realized any time at all had passed was when Kristen opened the sliding door, returning from her trip to the mall. She insisted she needed a new outfit to visit Jamie, and by the dozens of bags on her arms, she must have found one. “(Y/n)!” She said excitedly, her face alight with happy energy. 

It was a total 180 from her previous attitude, and while it gave me whiplash sometimes, I much preferred this side of her. My eyes snapped open, and I heard Spencer take in a deep breath as he blinked away sleep and turned his head over the side of the bench to look at the noise. I watched as a curious apologetic look flashed over Kristen’s face before she returned her attention to me. 

“Yea Kris?” I yawned, dropping my legs off of Spencer’s lap as he stood, collecting our dishes. 

“I need you to come help me pick out what I need to wear tomorrow to see Jamie!” I sighed, rolling my eyes at Spencer, my face hidden from view before I turned to her, a large smile on my face. 

“I’m so down!” I said emphatically, watching as Spencer had to turn away to hide his smile and stifle his laugh with a cough. I hurried to follow her inside and gave one more look over my shoulder in a silent command to save me in half an hour. Spencer pretended not to see it. 

To my satisfaction, Spencer was not saved from the gallery style fashion show. Mostly because I insisted that we needed a man’s opinion. Spencer saw through this immediately, and he gave me a look that promised I was in for it later. I just smiled innocently, and pulled him to sit beside me as Kristen once again changed into another outfit, strutting awkwardly as she appeared in front of us. 

This continued to, and well after, dinner, and when 9 pm finally rolled around, we somehow convinced Kristen to decide on an outfit, and then Spencer was able to get her to sleep, telling her she needed all the sleep she could get to be her best for the next day. By 10pm, she was out like a light. 

“Finally got the baby to sleep?” I teased when he came back to our room from checking on her one last time. 

Spencer crooked a finger towards me and my blood went cold before lighting up as I stood, taking a few steps towards him, his hand dropping to his side. “I think you owe me.” He said quietly, and I swallowed thickly. Ah yes, my punishment for forcing him to deal with Kristen with me. “Down.” I complied immediately, setting back on my knees the same way I had done before while he turned, walking over to the bathroom linen closet and when he returned I saw that he had grabbed a pillow case, and a long thin towel. I gave him a curious look, then realization hit. “You weren’t the only one learning things in Angel’s class.” He said smugly and I had to force myself not to roll my eyes. 

Spencer placed both the items on the bed, and I turned my head to watch him as he kicked off first his shoes then his socks, before he stood in front of me again, his hand coming to cup my chin and turn my face this way and that. “So beautiful.” He breathed quietly and I felt my face heat up. I smiled in thanks and he pulled away. “Up.” Again, I moved quickly and eagerly stood in front of him. He snapped his fingers and I crossed my arms over myself and pulled my shirt up and over my head, placing it carefully to the side. He smirked, probably thinking about my comment about him needing to pay for a show. “Pants too.” I pulled them down, bending at the hips to bring it over my feet, losing my balance before his hand landed heavily on my shoulder to catch me. 

“Oops, sorry!” I said with a small giggle. 

“Did I say you could speak?” I paled, standing up straight and shaking my head quickly, my eyes shining with barely contained excitement, but also a sobered, nervously aroused expression dominated my face. “That’s what I thought. Turn around.” 

When my back was facing him, I knew what he was doing and angled my arms back enough for him to slip my arms into the case and bring it up over my shoulders before he turned me around and with one swift push I fell back onto the bed, my arms trapped on either side of my body, the majority of the case under me. I couldn’t move at all. There wasn’t enough give to allow me to get up, and with the angle, I wasn’t able to sit up. I was completely immobilized. Spencer gauged my reaction, but by the curling of my toes and the increase in my breathing he knew I was enjoying it despite the slight panic in my eyes. 

He knelt between my legs at that, hovering over me and kissing up from my belly button until he made it to the valley of my still clothed breasts, which he skipped over, eliciting a groan of protest from me. He ignored me, of course, this wasn’t about me, this was about him taking what he wanted. It was only fair, I had put him through hell today. His lips made their way around my neck, under my jaw, and then back again, suckling light spots on my skin. He wouldn’t dare leave a serious one, I still had to appear modest in public, and my clothing didn’t consist of turtlenecks. 

Regardless of how long he had to spend on any of the exposed skin, he made it worth my while and I was a squirming, keening mess within minutes. It was then that I realized the purpose of the towel. He snatched it from the side of the bed, and balled it up, sticking the thickest part in my mouth, effectively cutting off the noises coming from me. He paused then. “If you need me to stop, I want you to make three long sounds. Show me.” I did as he asked, making it very clear that the noises would not be mistaken for noises of enjoyment. He nodded, then he crawled back down me, kneeling between my legs on the end of the bed. I tilted my head up to watch him, and my eyes went pink again when I saw him hooking his hand into my panties and bring them down over my knees to be discarded on the floor. 

Spencer began by kissing the inside of my knees, one on each side, his hands slipping up the outside of my thighs before trailing back down the inside. His hand passed over my tattoo, and when he remembered it was there- it had been covered for most of the time he had been around, mostly because I wasn’t ready to tell any of my family here that I had gotten it done- he turned his attention to it, kissing along the outside of it, making my breath hitch. It wasn’t painful anymore, but it was still sensitive, so when he hovered his lips over it, I whined, but it was muffled by the towel. 

I felt his tongue flick out, dragging over the outline a few times before I was once again panting, my eyes shut tight as the sensitive skin was teased. He finally relented, and moved his attention to the inside of my legs again. He could leave as many marks as he wanted here, I was most likely going to be wearing pants anyway, and he made up for what he couldn’t leave on my chest on my legs, the deep purple marks dotting over most of my legs by the time he was finished. 

At this point I was well into begging, the words incoherent and garbled around the towel. By the fourth time I cried out, begging him to do something more, I saw his frustration rise and he was hovering over me again, his hand latching on my neck as he glared down at me. “You’re making a lot of noise for someone who is trying to convince me I should let you come.” I stilled, my eyes searching his. “Oh yes, sweetheart. From now on you need to convince me that you deserve that privilege. I don’t have to, I could leave you needy and wanting for days if I so choose. So, I think it’s time you shut up, and maybe I’ll reconsider.” I nodded furiously tears of frustration pricking my eyes as I tried to force my legs to not rub together. 

Spencer returned to his previous spot, and now he paid attention to where I needed him most. The flat of his hand rubbed a few circles to collect the arousal there, and then, using what he found, he inserted one finger into me, quickly to be followed by two more. I tossed my head back, crying out. This he allowed, as it was in response to his action, and my legs tightened around his shoulders. 

He pulled back after that, just his longest, middle finger pumping slowly in and out of me, his attention rapt on the place where his finger was disappearing into. My eyes screwed shut shortly after which was a mistake as I felt him turn his finger and brush against the spot he had found in me previously and I saw stars, the whole ordeal heightened by my lack of sight, no matter how voluntary. 

This torture I endured for a good 10 minutes, feeling my release ebb and flow, the burning only getting more and more intense the more he teased me. When his lips met my core I thought I would combust and I felt my abdominals contract at the sudden pleasure. Spencer smirked against me and I cried out in a way that only came from pleasure pain like this. Spencer licked a long stripe up my core, flicking his tongue over my clit before doing it again. Just when I was sure I couldn’t hold it back anymore, he pulled away, and hovered over me again. 

The towel was removed from my lips and I stared up at him in a blissed out delirium, my eyes struggling to stay forward as one of his hands traced small circles over my clit. Enough to keep me on the edge, but not enough to push me over. I hated how he knew my body well enough to torture it. “Eyes here.” He said suddenly, and I did my best to obey. “Good girl.” I smiled, my breathing hard as I tried to gain more friction. But he would only pull his hand away if I tried to grind on it. “I’ve decided I’ll let you come, on one condition.” Jesus he could ask me to commit murder and I would. “You’re going to repeat after me.” I nodded, not sure where he was going but I was too desperate to care. 

“I am beautiful.” I paused, my eyes focusing for a moment on his serious face. 

“I… I am.. Be..beautiful.” I panted, my words broken by needy whines. 

“I am intelligent” I was confused, but when his finger entered me again I arched up, quickly forcing out the words just to get him to do more. “I am worthy of respect.” Again I copied him. “I am not personally responsible for another person’s happiness.” This was a struggle, but when I finally managed, Spencer crawled back down to settled between my legs and quickly brought me up and over the edge. He worked me through the aftershocks, but all that did was send me into another one, and I turned my face into the pillow to muffle the noises. 

He brought me back from the world of orgasms, and when I was more cognizant he spoke again. “On your knees.” I sat up with his help, and he removed the case from my arms in a swift movement as my shaky legs met the floor and I was positioned at his waist. I knew what he wanted from the moment he ordered me to the ground, and he let me unbuckle his belt and pull him free as he gathered my hair in his hand, gripping it tightly at the base. 

I would never say that I was any good at this kind of thing, but Spencer made me want to perform, he made me want to be good at it. And to see him above me, struggling to keep the volume level down as I took him into my throat, I almost came again. But I felt him twitch, and I braced myself for his release. While I wanted him in my mouth, I could never get used to the taste of a man’s release, and I screwed up my face at the musky salty taste as he pulled out. He tucked himself back into his pants and when I got to my feet, he pulled me in for a kiss, aggressively pulling me to him and claiming my mouth as his. I fisted my hands into his shirt and he groaned, his own hands taking each of my ass cheeks in his palms, gripping me tightly. I sighed, and we pulled away.   
“Even?” I teased, making a show of collecting non existent remnants of his release from the corners of my mouth. His eyes narrowed and I smirked. “Or would you like something else, _Dr.Reid_?” His hand was around my neck in an instant and I gasped, a cheeky smile on my face. 

“You better be careful how you throw around that name.” He growled and I smirked. 

“Or what?” I bit my lip and his eyes darted to it before they locked on mine again. 

“Don’t be a brat.” He said darkly, tossing me back onto the bed where I hit the mattress and bounced. “Or I’ll treat you like one.” He added, running a hand through his hair as he stared down at me.I blinked up at him innocently and he scoffed, undoing the buttons on his shirt and tossing it to the laundry pile where the dress I had worn was haphazardly disposed of. 

I sat up, reaching behind me to undo my bra before I bent down and collected the discarded clothes and brought them over to drop them in the pile to be cleaned. “And how exactly is a brat treated?” I asked, genuinely curious, but unable to fully avoid the smartass tone. 

“Brats don’t get to come, for one.” He said over his shoulder as he grabbed a sleeping shirt, and tossed it to me. I looked at it in surprise, then eagerly slipped it over my frame. “And secondly.” He turned, grabbing my ass to pull me towards him. “They generally don’t sit very well.” He said cryptically. But the message was loud and clear. “Clear?” 

“Crystal, Sir.” I replied seriously. While I enjoyed pushing his buttons, I would never want to be on the receiving end of a real spanking from him. I doubt it would have been enjoyable in the slightest, and the tears wouldn’t be for my own benefit, they would be because I would still feel his handprint the next morning. 

Spencer released my flesh to brush a loving hand over my back, and then brought it to my cheek to cup the side of my face. “Come on, let’s go to bed.” The scene was officially over now, and when we climbed back into bed after using the bathroom, he pulled me into his arms and kissed my forehead. Sleep came quickly, the day taking so much out of both of us, but before I fell asleep I whispered quietly to the night air. 

“Please don’t let me fuck this up.” I prayed, silently begging the moon to hear me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! So quick update. We are driving my mom to (Funny enough) Bangor today, so there most likely wont be an update tomorrow or the day after as for me that's like a 12 ish hour drive. Thank you all for the support and sorry to leave you on a cliff hanger!


	28. Down In Flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sacrifices must be made.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAOlpVuSeWI

When I woke up, Spencer wasn’t in bed with me, but I heard the water running in the shower and I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath in to steady myself. I hadn’t seen my brother in a while, the last time I saw him really was thanksgiving of last year, nearly a whole eight months ago. And today I was about to see him in prison orange… a scene I had wished to never see again, I barely visited him in prison, and when he first got out, it took me a while to work up the courage to even talk to him let alone go visit, I stayed in my apartment with Aiden. 

I sat up, shaking my head and rubbing my hands down my face roughly a few times, forcing blood back into my face, the lightheaded dizziness not helpful. The water turned off, and I turned my head as Spencer opened the door, the towel around his hips and another rubbing over his head. “Oh good you’re awake.” He said quietly. “I was worried I was going to have to wake you up.” I shook my head. 

“I’m awake.” I turned to him and crooked an eyebrow. “Where are you going?” I questioned when I saw his dress pants and shirt hanging on the door to be steamed by the shower. 

“I’m going to go speak to Jamie’s Lawyer.” He said so confidently I shot out of bed, rushing to his side. 

“You’re what?” He dried off his arms and reached for his clothes, starting to put them on. 

“I’m going to go speak to his lawyer, I got approval from my supervisor to give a statement.” I blinked in surprise. 

“A statement? Wait, like… as a witness?” He nodded. “Why would they listen to you?” He sighed, standing and buttoning his pants before he kissed the side of my face, tucking his shirt into his waist. 

“I have some connections with work that make my testimony valuable.” He replied carefully, and I took a step back from him, I was starting to wonder if I really wanted to know his job. 

“Are you like… a lawyer?” He shook his head, a kind smile on his face. 

“No, I’m an expert witness.” My face broke into a wide smile and I couldn’t help but wrap my arms around him tightly. He understood my lack of words as an outpouring of thanks and gratitude mixed with excitement and hope. “I don’t know how much I can do, but it might be enough.” 

“Even you offering is more than I could ever ask of you.” He smiled, then pat the side of my face gently. 

“Go get ready,” He tilted his arm to look at his watch. “You need to leave within the hour.” I nodded and grabbed the outfit I had prepared yesterday and skipped into the bathroom for my own shower. 

*~*~*

Spencer pulled away from the kiss and rubbed the side of (Y/n)’s face to steady her nervous twitching. “He’s going to be so excited to see you, you don’t need to worry.” He said comfortingly, and his heart broke to see the doubt flash over her features. 

“What if he’s angry at me?” She asked quietly, shifting her feet a few times. 

“For what? Putting yourself first? No, you’re his sister, you’re going to bring him so much peace right now. Anyone wrongfully imprisoned needs to know people care, so just keep reminding him that we are fighting for him.” She nodded again and sighed, dropping her head onto his chest. 

“You sure you’re going to be okay?” She asked, and he tilted her head back to look at him, he nodded once, a confident and caring smile crossing his face before he kissed her again and then stepped back from her, opening the car door to allow her to get into the driver’s seat. Kristen was sitting in the passenger seat, trying so hard to be patient, but he could tell from the tapping and picking at her fingers that she was antsy. (Y/n) closed the door and he stepped back, allowing her to pull out and make her way down the street. He watched them go before climbing into the driver’s seat of the truck and making his own way down the street, turning left instead of right to make his way to the offices of Smith and Jackson. 

Spencer felt strange putting his weapon on, the weight foreign and almost overwhelming here. He found himself looking over his shoulder, expecting to see (Y/n) standing there, an accusing and betrayed look on her face. He had seen it a hundred times in his nightmares, but he kept reminding himself that he was not dreaming, he was working. And he had a job to do.

Security stopped him once he entered the building, he held up his badge, paying them no mind as he walked past them, and made his way to the office he was looking for. The secretary stood, surprised and her mouth dropped open when he once again displayed the credentials. A firm knock on the door and the Lawyer, Abigail Smith jumped, her eyes darting up to his imposing frame in the doorway. 

“Can I help you?” 

“Abigail Smith?” She nodded once, nervously, her eyes flicking to his badge only relaxing marginally. “My name is Dr. Spencer Reid, with the FBI. I have some information that is in regards to your client. Mr. Jameson B. (L/n).” Her eyes went wide in alarm but she nodded, motioning him to close the door and join her. 

“Is this information for or against my client?” She asked carefully. 

“For, gratefully. I have a partial admission of guilt from a third party.” Her hand stilled in her notes and she looked up at him like he just handed her the directions to the holy grail. 

“You have a partial admission of guilt? How!?” She lost her professionalism for a moment, and he did too, a smile crossing his face despite his best efforts. 

“I was with his sister, and a man named Aiden Brewster approached us, hurling insults at (Y/n) (L/n), and myself before he said quote ‘You hear this shit? This fucking fag thinks I give a shit about him. You think for one second you scare me, you need to really reconsider. I have every cop in this town’s number. Just ask your brother Jamie. Ask him who pulled him over. Good luck trying to get him out of that one.’ end quote.” He recited easily, the lawyer’s eyes widening in surprise, then she processed the information, shaking her head and holding a hand up as she closed her eyes. 

“Wait, you have a recording of this?” Spencer sighed, shaking his head. 

“No, but I have proof of my Eidetic memory, it has been proven and will hold up in a court of law. I can have my supervisor at the Behavioural Analysis Unit-”

“Oh my god.” She said, her smile growing impossibly larger. “You’re… I know exactly who you are.” Spencer felt a strange sense of pride and fear run through him. “I have followed the BAU for years, your profiles have set more than one of my clients free. Yes, absolutely, if you send me the information needed to prove your memory I can put you on the stand as an Agent of high standing an-” It was Spencer’s turn to cut her off, leaning forward in his seat and holding up a hand to slow her down. 

“Ms. Smith, while I am very willing to help you with this case, it is under the condition that I am an anonymous witness. My statement can be signed by my supervisor, Supervisory Special Agent Emily Prentiss, but I can’t take the stand.” Her face paled and her smile dropped. 

“Why not?” She asked, her face concerned, scared, and angry. 

“Because (Y/n) (L/n) doesn’t know I am an agent, and I feel that it would cause undue stress on her to learn that information at this point.” His heart dropped when she sighed, and even he knew that in this case, he was not going to like the answer. 

“Sir, all due respect, but unless you take the stand, as this is a federal case, your testimony can be objected, and without you there to stand up to prosecutor questioning, it could be thrown out all together. You need to decide what is more important, keeping Jamie out of prison, or your relationship with (Y/n).” He didn’t know what to say. Had she read him that easily or had it been obvious by his words that he was in a relationship with (Y/n)? He closed his eyes, taking in a steady breath. 

“What do you need me to do.” Abigail Smith nodded, and turned around the paper in front of her, a witness prep sheet, and he took it, starting to fill out the information, his heart and hand heavy. This was going to hurt like a bitch. But at least he could keep his promise, that he was going to fight for Jamie. And maybe prove to her that the FBI wouldn’t let her down again. 

*~*~*

“Kristen R. Broadbelt?” The corrections officer called from the doorway, and we both looked up, Kristen’s hand tightening in mine painfully. He nodded to her, and tilted his head to allow her beyond the desk and into the visiting room. She handed me all of her things, and I placed them on the chair she vacated to wait for my turn to visit. She scurried behind the desk, the door closing behind her with a heavy slam. I flinched, staring at the place she disappeared in before and sighed, finally letting my emotions show as I dipped my head back against the chair. 

An older woman tapped my arm and handed me a mint. I took it from her curiously. “The mint will keep your mind off it. Distract your senses.” I smiled gratefully and took it from her, watching as she popped one in her own mouth. She looked familiar, and when another officer opened the door and called her name, I realized she was the high school principal. She waved to me gently and I reciprocated it, and she smiled. Small towns man. Strange places. 

I felt my phone ring in my pocket and I pulled it out, smiling when I saw Derek’s name. “Hey Derek! How’s my baby doing?” 

_“I’m doing great! Oh, you mean the dog.”_ he teased and I smiled, laughing quietly as I rolled my eyes. _“She’s doing great. We went on a run today! She seemed to like it. Look, I wanted to tell you because I think you deserve some good news today.”_ I narrowed my eyes, making eye contact with myself in the mirror. 

“Oh?” 

_“So, you got a letter from a place called ‘Furr-every Friends Adoption Agency’?”_ I heard the smile in his voice but my heart was in my throat. _“And wouldn’t you know it, it was open and I couldn’t help but read it-”_

“DEREK!” I nearly shouted, but I had to whisper, the officer at the desk glaring at me. 

_“She’s yours baby. She’s all yours.”_ Relief flooded through me, and I slumped in the chair. This was a month and a half in waiting and to finally know that Daisy was officially mine, it made me so happy and for a moment, I forgot I was about to visit my brother in prison. 

“Derek you have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you.” He laughed quietly on the other end of the phone. 

_“Any time sweetheart. Listen, I’m gonna bring her to my house for the night, Savannah and Hank are over at her mother’s house, so me and Daisy are gonna hang out.”_ I laughed. 

“Awe, is big Derek Morgan afraid of the dark?” He scoffed and I just giggled. “I’m kidding, go ahead.” He thanked me and wished me luck before he hung up. My phone dinged again and I opened the image to see a beautiful picture of Daisy holding her adoption papers in her mouth delicately. I grinned and saved the picture, sending back an inappropriate amount of heart emojis. 

I set the photo as my background, the cheerful picture enough to brighten my spirits every time I opened my phone. Just as I settled in and got sucked into an episode of General Hospital, I was called to go visit my brother, Kristen taking my spot, her face a soft smile dusted by a few tears. She hugged me tightly and I returned it, nervously making my way past the locked door to see my brother, his head on his hands, looking out a window, thinking. 

“Hey Jamie.” I said quietly, once they opened the door. His eyes went wide, like he wasn’t sure I was real. He tried to stand to hug me, but the cuffs kept him locked to the table. I quickly took his hands in mine and held him tightly. “It’s okay, I’m here.” 

“I didn’t know you were here. Did you come back for me?” I smiled, nodding slightly. Jamie and I had a tough relationship, a lot of it came from years of misunderstanding, but distance makes you realize that childhood issues meant nothing, and what was more important was that, for now, we were together. “Kid, you didn’t need to do that.” 

“Someone’s got to clean up your mess.” I teased, but my voice broke and I looked away, forcing the tears not to fall. “Jame, this is so bad.” I said quietly, and he sighed. “But… but my boyfriend… he’s.. He’s gonna help.” Jamie’s eyebrows shot up. 

“Aiden?” I glared at him, and he looked at me confused. “Wait… what?”

“I don’t know how much I can say, but we are gonna fix this okay? It’s gonna be okay.” He nodded, taking a moment to breath as his hands held mine tightly. 

“How’s mom? Does she know?” I shook my head. 

“They took her off her meds, and she’s on suicide watch, so I just think it’s important that she doesn’t know about this until it’s all over you know?” He nodded. “The what ifs are just gonna make her more upset.” 

“You’ve grown up so much.” He said so suddenly I actually gasped, blinking away the tears that threatened to appear. “Really, I know I haven’t been around enough, and I know that I was kind of a shit when dad died. I promise I’m different, and I’m gonna make this better okay? I...I’m gonna do better. I got a job offer, in Houlton, I can move out, make a living. And I can support mom.” I held his hands tighter. 

“Jamie. Listen to me. You are not a burden in this. We know you didn’t do this. We are gonna fight this. I’m gonna fight this.” He nodded, and there was a knock on the door behind us, my time was up. “You stay positive. I promise I’ve got you.” Tears appeared on his face this time, and he tried to hold my hands tighter so I couldn’t leave, but I had to, and when the door closed behind me, they entered from the other side, and uncuffed him, bringing him though the inmate door back to wherever he goes. 

I returned to the holding area, and Kristen popped her head up, smiling tiredly. I motioned for her to get up, and the two of us made our way back to the car. “I need a drink. You need a drink?” Kristen said, checking her watch. It was close to lunch by now, so I nodded. “Gimme your phone, I’ll text Spencer.” I did as she asked, and I pulled out of the prison parking lot, trying not to press too hard on the gas to get away as fast as possible. 

*~*~*

Spencer pulled into the seaside restaurant about 15 minutes after he received the text, pulling in next to Kristen’s car. (Y/n) waved him down from the booth where a waitress was joking around with them. It obviously went well with her brother, she was smiling widely and her body language was relaxed. “Spencer! Over here!” He smiled, loosening his tie. He had left his gun, badge, and his jacket in the truck, and with the summer heat starting to beat down, he was getting warm. Damn, Maine really did have one hell of a swing with weather. 

Spencer slid in next to (Y/n) kissing the side of her head and hugging her to his side. “Hey baby, how was Jamie?” She smiled, leaning her head against his shoulder. 

“He’s okay. Keeping positive.” Spencer nodded, good. That was what was most important. “How was it with the Lawyer?” He sighed. 

“We can talk about it later, right now I’m starving.” He deflected, smiling to the waitress who gave him a suspicious once over. 

“Sam, this is (Y/n)’s boyfriend, Spencer.” The waitress, who was now revealed to be Kristen’s cousin Sam, instantly warmed to him and stuck out her hand. He shook it kindly and she nodded. 

“Well, we have a round of lunchtime cocktails for the girls, what can I get you?” Spencer gave a slightly disapproving look to (Y/n) but it softened when she gave him a secret pleading look. 

“I’ll have a coke please.” She nodded, and turned on her heel, giving Kristen a pat on the shoulder as she did. “Was Jamie happy to see you, Kristen?” She nodded, immediately starting a retelling of the visit, which allowed (Y/n) the chance to lean against Spencer gratefully. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder, comforting not only her, but himself with the repetitive motion on her arm. 

*~*

Lunch passed comfortingly slowly, allowing the three of them to relax and breathe for the first time in days. “So, the hearing is tomorrow now?” Kristen asked Spencer around the straw of her second drink. 

He nodded. “She was able to convince the judge that the case be moved up due to new evidence. It’s tomorrow at 2 pm.” Kristen nodded. 

“Did she seem optimistic?” Spencer nodded and (Y/n) relaxed into the seat. “You should have seen him, he was so upset at the idea that they thought he did this.” (Y/n) said sadly. 

“I know he didn’t do it.” Kristen said seriously. “He wouldn’t jeopardize his future to do something like that.” 

“And when the courts prove that, then maybe people can stop looking at him like that.” (Y/n) agreed, taking a sip of her water. Kristen nodded eagerly. 

“Sorry to ask, but.. What was his first offense?” Kristen and (Y/n) looked to each other uncomfortably, but Kristen nodded to (Y/n) letting her tell it. 

“Jamie was so angry after the charges were closed when our dad was killed, that… well, he tried to light the border station on fire. The only thing that caught was an old wooden barn that they used to store their ATVs and snowmobiles. The lawyer was able to drop the charges of terrorism by using a defence that he was so distraught about our dad that it was teenage rebellion. He was tried as adult for arson, and served seven of his ten.” Spencer listened respectfully, doing the math in his head for how lucky this kid got. He decided he was very very lucky. “He cleaned up inside though. Went to anger management and saw a therapist. That’s what got him released early, with the remaining time being added to his five years of parole.” 

“This was only his first year out.” Kristen added, and (Y/n) nodded. “They’ve been watching him like a hawk since then. Any time there was a fire the first place they came was the house. We started putting a tracer on his phone to prove he was nowhere near them. We barely leave the house. “ Spencer sat up, his arm dropping from (Y/n)’s shoulder. 

“You have a tracker on him” The girls nodded. “I need to make a call.” He stood suddenly from the table and rushed outside, grabbing his phone as he did. (Y/n) and Kristen looked at each other curiously, then shrugged, settling in to finish their drinks and watch as a few boats passed on the water. 

*~*~*

“Garcia, have you been able to send the information over to the Lawyer?” Spencer asked, pacing a bit on the patio of the restaurant. 

_“Of course I have, boy wonder. And I just looked into the tracer that is on Jamie’s phone, he was near the fire when it went off, but when I pinged the cell towers, he was on the other side of the parking lot when it went up.”_ Spencer sighed, that wasn’t enough. He said as much, but Garcia cut him off. “Hold your horses there cowboy, I also was able to get into the CCTV of the bar, because you were right, local PD was less than helpful.” She scoffed. _“And I have someone who doesn’t match the description of Jameson (L/n) approaching the car, tossing a pack of lit matches into the back where a box of papers was sitting, which according to the fire department report is the site of ignition.”_

“Garcia, give me more.” He begged and he could hear the smile in her voice.

 _“Patience, oh smart one. Because what do we have speeding away from the scene? A blue toyota camry belonging to a one, Aiden Brewster.”_ Spencer sighed in relief. 

“Penelope, I can’t go get him myself.” He said seriously and he could almost see her nodding, the clicking of her hair bobbles knocking together telling him he was probably right. 

_“I alerted our field agents in the area, they have a case they are just finishing up at the border so they should be there by tomorrow morning. You just take care of (Y/n).”_ Penelope sounded very pleased with herself and he smiled. 

“Oh, Penelope?” she made a ‘hmm?’ sound. “Did you find anything on that other case I asked you to look into?” There was a sad noise on the other end of the phone. 

_“Brace yourself, I needed like… ten kitten videos for this.”_ Dread filled his chest but he nodded, listening carefully to the information she was telling him, his heart breaking with each word.

*~*~*

The courthouse was stifling. The small courtroom where parole hearings were generally held was filled with people from all over town. People who knew my brother, and other people who just wanted to see a real life court case packed shoulder to shoulder in the seats. Kristen and I entered together, and I broke away to use the bathroom, but really it was just to steady myself and find a way to calm down before we entered that room. 

Spencer had said that we had a good chance of winning, that he was confident that everything was going to go to plan, but I knew that the universe laughs in the face of the best laid plans. An announcement over the PA told us that the case was about to start, and I took a deep breath in, closing my eyes and bracing myself against the counter of the family bathroom before I straightened myself out, and hurried into the courtroom, sliding into the first booth with Kristen. 

“Where’s Spencer?” I asked, looking around for my boyfriend who had left earlier than us both this afternoon.

“I thought he was with you?” She replied, shaking her head and looking around the room as if to spot him. He said he was going to meet us here, but he was nowhere to be found. That is, until he walked in beside the lawyer. He looked imposing, and serious, and for once my body didn’t react like a horny teenager. This was the first time I was legitimately scared of Spencer. 

“All rise, judge Diana Mills presiding.” The bailiff called, and we all stood as the scrawny woman approached the bench, climbed the stairs, and lifted her hand, telling everyone to sit as she looked over the papers. My eyes drifted to the defendant door, where my brother was being led out and sat in a seat by himself. His eyes scanned the crowd and locked on me, a scared smile gracing his features. 

“We are called here today to send a deliberation over the alleged breaking of parole of Jameson B. (L/n). Prosecution has waved the opening statement, citing the defendant's original charge as their opening statement. Defence, you have the floor.” Judge Mills said, her tone almost bored, and Jamie’s Lawyer, Ms. Smith stood. 

“Thank you your honour. I move to drop all charges on the defendant, and instead offer the true culprit of the crime be charged instead.” There was a murmur of dissent in the courtroom, but she didn’t flinch, not even when the judge tapped the gavel. 

“And on what evidence?” The judge asked, for the first time paying true attention to the case. My brother sat up in his chair, desperately looking between his lawyer, the judge, and me. 

“Your honour for that I would like to call Dr. Spencer Reid to the stand.” My heart dropped and I turned to look at Spencer, whose eyes were locked on me. I saw his face fall and he looked to his feet before looking back at me and mouthing two words ‘I’m sorry’. My face twisted in confusion as he stood, taking his place on the stand and swearing on a copy of the constitution. 

“Dr. Reid, can you please recount the information that you have received?” He nodded, once again returning to his normal self and reciting a long list of information, the court hanging on his every word. 

“Sunday, at approximately 11:50 Am, I was on the Bangor waterfront with the defendant's sister-” The prosecution stood.   
“Objection! This is a conflict of interest.” the judge just gave him a look and he sat down, grumbling. 

“Please continue Doctor.” 

“Thank you, your honour. We were on the waterfront when we were approached by a Mr. Aiden Brewster. This man has not only verbally, but emotionally abused Ms. (L/n) for the past few years, and he is exhibiting signs of a Narcissistic, Obsessive abuser. In my presence, Mr. Brewster not only verbally attacked myself and Ms.(L/n), but admitted that he quote ‘ You think for one second you scare me, you need to really reconsider. I have every cop in this town’s number. Just ask your brother Jamie. Ask him who pulled him over. Good luck trying to get him out of that one.’” There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom and I felt my heart lift, and sink all at the same time. He might actually be able to help Jamie.

I felt Kristen grab my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze and then hold on to it for deal life as we listened. “This prompted my mandatory reporting duties, and I informed my team of the admission, which prompted an investigation and my colleagues not only found that the defendant was not only not the one to start the fire, but that he was illegally pulled over as he was not speeding, nor breaking any traffic laws which he was fined and arrested for, meaning he has not broken his parole, but the one to start the fire was actually Aiden Brewster, who was picked up by agents this morning attempting to flee the state.” I have never heard a silence so loud in my life. Ms. Smith sat down, a satisfied look on her face as she looked over to the prosecution table who was holding his head in his hands, definitively defeated. But Spencer’s eyes were locked on me, my mouth agape as I processed what he had just done. 

“Dr.Reid, you mentioned your team… what team is this?” He didn’t look away from me as he said with deadly confidence. 

“The Behavioural Analysis Unit of the FBI, where I am an Agent.”


	29. Hold Me While You Wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Actions have Consequences.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZ5GzGYgWJw

Spencer saw her face fall, and her skin go pale before her face set in an angry line and she stood, pushing past Kristen and storming down the middle isle of the courtroom, all eyes turning to her and then when they couldn’t see her, back to him, like a wave of concern and accusations. He gave a desperate look to the judge, who only nodded, dismissing him from the stand and he all but vaulted over the witness stand to follow her, his hand crashing into the doors as they swung back in his face. She was halfway out of the building by the time he caught up to her, his hand landing on her shoulder only for her to violently turn away from him, her eyes, red with tears and betrayal glaring him down in a look that he had seen in his nightmares, and prayed that he never saw in person. 

“Are you fucking kidding me!?” She screamed, not a care in the world for who heard her. At his shocked expression, she closed her eyes for a moment, took a few steadying breaths, and then her face was in that horrible stoic expression that she used only when dealing with those who truly hurt her. She showed no emotion, all her anger shoved deep inside her where she would ignore it until it was safe to feel it. Which she would never do, and it would fester. He knew her so well, and it hurt him to know that he had inflicted on her the pain that she fought so hard to avoid. 

“(Y/n), please.” He said quietly, extending his hand to her. “You need to understand that I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how. I know how you feel about law enforcement, and I was trying to find the right way to tell you. Keeping it from you when I knew your feelings was wrong. And I know that, you are absolutely valid in your feelings right now.” He started, but she just crossed her arms and glared at the floor. 

“So why did you keep it from me? Why didn’t you tell me, personally, instead of let me hear it in front of the entire town? Why didn’t you just tell me?” He sighed and she glared up at him, that cool indifferent look on her face terrifying him. 

“Because I’m a coward.” He admitted. “I always have been, and always will be. I was selfish, and I didn’t want to lose you so I hid it from you to keep you longer.” Her eyes went wide, the first evidence that she was feeling something. The look shifted instantly to one of distressed hurt and she turned from him, taking a few deep, shaking breaths. From inside the courtroom,he heard cheering and whooping and her eyes instantly locked on the doors. His heart stopped. He had done it. Jamie was free. “(Y/n), baby, please… look at me.” He begged, his heart hurting and terrified that he was about to lose her. 

“Thank you. For what you did for Jamie.” She said finally, coming to the same conclusion that he did as to what that cheering meant. She turned, her face once again stoic, silent tears coming down her face. “ I am so, unbelievably angry, and hurt.” She said, her voice breaking yet coming in heavy confidence. “And I don’t know how I can forgive you for this.” She took a few moments, clearing her throat to make her words more steady. “So, go home. I want you to pack your things. And leave.” 

His heart was on the floor but he nodded in understanding. That was a valid request, and honestly, he deserved it, if not more. In fact, really, he deserved her laying into him. He wanted her to scream at him, to make this easier, so he could logic with himself that he was in the right and she was just vindictive. But she didn’t. She was calm, hurt, and betrayed, but calm, and when she turned from him, her head was held up high and she reentered the courtroom as if nothing happened, and left him standing in the lobby as people began to file out, losing her in the crowd. 

*~*~*  
When I reentered the courtroom, I tried so hard to keep my head up, even trying to smile at those who patted my shoulder and congratulated me, but I didn’t hear anything beyond the pounding in my ears as I tried so hard not to break. Jamie, still in the prison orange, was holding Kristen tightly, Ms. Smith watching from a few paces away. When she spotted me, her face fell and she rushed over, guiding me to a bench just as my legs gave out and I collapsed into a fit of angry tears. “(Y/n),” She said, rubbing my back comfortingly. “(Y/n), I know you’re hurt right now, please listen.” I tried to quiet my sobs but they were persistent. “Spencer did what he thought was best for you, and he made a mistake. He is a good man, who cares about you more than anything in the world. Please, please don’t let him go.” 

I sat up, glaring at her. “You have no idea what our relationship is. And you have no idea how I feel.” She nodded.

“You’re right, I don’t. But I know what his intentions were, and they were good, however misguided.” I took in a deep shaky breath and nodded. She was right, of course. I know exactly why he didn’t tell me. The images of him being shot like my father flooded my mind the instant he said the words. I saw him dying in the snow, crying out my name for help, just like my father did. I saw myself receiving the folded flag my mother got, a hollow apology from a system that failed us. 

Ms. Smith took that as my agreement, and she stood, collecting her things from the table and exiting out the door to the antechamber of the judge. I dropped my head into my hands, digging the heels into my eyes just as I heard Jamie call my name. I looked up, and his face was filled with concern as he opened his arms up to me. I stood, falling into them and gripping tightly on to the fabric under my hands as if, if I let go he would fade away and I would wake up in my bed. 

I kind of hoped that it was true, and that I would wake up from this nightmare. Jamie’s arms enveloped me and he held me tighter than he ever would have before and I felt him breathe in the smell of my hair. “Kid I am so.. I can’t even begin to thank you enough. He saved my life.” I blocked him out, not wanting to talk about this with him, not yet. 

“(Y/n)?” I turned my head to look at Kristen who had a guilty look on her face. “I uhm.. I think… this might be my fault.” I pulled away from Jamie, my eyebrows furrowing. “I.. I kind of told Spencer that you would hate him… if he told you.” I glared at her.

“Why?! Why the _fuck_ would you say that to him?” I demanded, my hurt coming out in full force. “I would have been upset, sure. But that I would _hate_ him? Kristen!” She flinched, and rightly so, my voice was loud and if it wasn’t coming from me, I would have panicked too. Jamie just stood there uncomfortably, but I could tell from his hand holding me that he was on my side. 

“Well you do hate him now!” She argued, returning the glare and matching my volume. “So I was right in warning him.”  
“I _don’t_ hate him, Kristen! I love him. With every inch of my heart I love him.” Speaking the words out loud was so freeing, and I felt like a vice on my heart had been released and I could finally breathe. I was ashamed to admit that even though right now I was so incredibly angry with him, and I didn’t know if I could ever trust him again, I loved him, and it was taking everything in me not to run out into the lobby and pray he hadn’t left yet.”The only person I hate right now, is you.” The words stung, and it was then that Jamie stepped in, saying my name in that brotherly way. I just glared at him. “Don’t.” I replied with a deadly tone.

I stormed away from them at that, pushing my way out the back exit of the courtroom towards where the cars were parked, and unsurprisingly, both cars were still there. Spencer must have called a taxi, or walked. A vindictive part of me hopes he walked. But I made my way to the side of the truck, looking under the tire to find the keys. I had mentioned to him once that my dad used to do that, and lo and behold, he had done it. I blinked away images of him superimposed over my father and opened the door, climbing into the truck and starting it before peeling out of the parking lot and beginning to drive. 

*~*~*  
Spencer paid the taxi driver, quickly climbing up the steps and making his way into the room, trying not to look at anything besides his bag. If he did, he was never going to leave. He was trying to force his feelings to obey his commands, and tried to pretend he didn’t feel the impossibly heavy weight on his chest.He was trained to control his reactions, but no amount of training could fight this. 

When he finally grabbed all his things, retrieving his badge and gun from where he had hid them in the sewing room, he made his way to the kitchen, looking for a pen and pad of paper to write a note. He knew it probably wasn’t the best thing to do, but he needed to do it, even if she just threw it out. The sound of tires on gravel made his heart stop and he turned, watching in relief as only Kristen and Jamie exited the car, (Y/n) most likely in the truck. 

They entered the kitchen and Jamie paused, taking a look around before his eyes settled on Spencer. “You’re leaving?” He asked quietly, and Spencer nodded, giving up on finding the paper. 

“I think it’s best. And (Y/n) doesn’t want me here.” Kristen’s face fell in confused anger, and she stormed past him. “Kristen.” He called, following behind her. “What are you doing?” 

“Where is she! I’m gonna throttle her! (Y/n)! Get your ass out here now!” Spencer froze. 

“She’s not here!” He called, returning to the kitchen to talk to Jamie.Realization hit him then. “She isn’t with you guys?” Jamie shook his head. 

“No, she stormed out of the courtroom, but she left before us. She should have been here by now, with the way she drives?” He smiled, but it quickly fell when Spencer’s face went pale. _With the way she drives…_ His heart was in his throat, a reckless driver was statistically more likely to crash than an overly cautious driver, but an emotional, angry, reckless driver with a history of depression? He wanted to be sick. 

“Do you have her on your phone?” Jamie shook his head. “Kristen?” He turned to the woman who had appeared behind him, the tension in the room rising.She too shook her head, pulling out her own phone to call (Y/n). 

There were a few moments of tense silence before she shook her head. “She isn’t answering.” Spencer’s heart stopped, then he took a breath, and forced himself into work mode. 

“You two stay here in case she comes back.” He ordered seriously, and Jamie nodded, eyes wide. 

“Where are you going?” Kristen called after him, and Spencer answered as he grabbed the keys off the wall and ran to the car.

“I’m going to go find her.” 

*~*~*

I didn’t realize where I was until I pulled into the cemetery. The sun was low in the sky, but I had a few hours until it set, so I took a calming breath, letting it out slowly. My father’s grave was near the middle, a large Ash tree growing nearby, the leaves casting a perfect amount of shade over the stone, which was a long rectangle, with my father’s name on one side, and space for my mother on the other side. There was a flag stuck into the ground, leaning over due to neglect and I righted it, sitting cross legged in front of the stone, picking at the grass there just like I did as a kid. 

Beside me, I had a bottle of rum that I picked up on a whim at a store on the way, probably intending to go home and drown my sorrows, but instead, I ended up here. I let my tears flow freely, only the dead were here to judge me. “Hey Daddy.” came my quiet voice, the sound almost offensive in the stillness. “Uhm..” I cleared my throat. “Uhm.. I think I fucked up.” I choked out, pulling at the grass before dropping it. 

“You see, a lot has changed since I talked to you last. I uhm.. I lost my job.” I smiled sadly, finally reaching over and opening the bottle of rum. Letting the hot burn soothe me. “And I met this guy?” My voice canted up in tone but it sounded more like a sob. “He’s… he’s amazing, Daddy. Really, he’s.. He’s just like you.” I sighed, taking another drink. The alcohol hitting my nearly empty stomach. I was so anxious this morning I could barely eat. Spencer had to force me to even eat a few slices of toast. 

“But, I fucked it up. Like I always do.” I said bitterly. “Uhm… because.. I got so scared. You see, Daddy, he’s, he’s in the FBI.” The wind rustled in the trees and I looked up to them, watching as the sun filtered through the spaces and made patterns on the stones around me. “And, everytime I think about that. I remember you, on the ground, bleeding out into the… into the snow-” My voice broke into heavy sobs and I swallowed them down with a long drink, the burn already making me dizzy. “And I love him so much, that if it happens to him.. I-I won’t make it.” I shook my head, pressing the bottle to my temple, then my lips. I know I need to slow down, but I won’t. 

“And.. I love him. So much it hurts. For the first time in years I feel seen. Mom’s gotten so much worse, Daddy. I can’t even talk to her without her judging me, or my life. And, she blames me for you-” Another drink. “Which I mean… she should, why not right? If I hadn’t have fought you, you would never have gone on patrol, you would never have been shot, and you’d still be here and I would still have Spencer.” I dropped my head to my knees, leaning my back against his stone as I cried. 

But I’m so angry at him Daddy. Because I know, I know in my heart that he’d… he’d do everything in his power to protect me, just like you.” My words were slurring. “And I’m so scared he’d die for me.” My words were a whisper. “And… I don’t know how to tell him that I’m not worth dying for.” I took another long drink, half the bottle already gone as I poured out some on his grave, for him. 

“I mean, you would know right? You did.” I shrugged bitterly, my emotions getting the better of me and I threw the bottle, watching it crash with a cruel satisfaction on another stone. But the magnitude of my actions hit me and I stood up on wobbly legs quickly, rushing over unsteadily to start picking up the glass from the stone and the grass. 

I lost my footing on a slick bit of glass, and in my inebriated state, I couldn’t catch myself before my head hit the stone and I went down, the world fading into a comfortable blackness. 

*~*~*

Spencer felt panic like this only once before, when his mother was kidnapped by Cat. Every muscle in his body was tense and God help anyone who got in his way. Emily was on the phone, having been patched in by Garcia. _“Spencer, you need to calm down and breathe.”_ Emily ordered and he tried to logic his body into obeying but it wouldn’t. 

“I can’t!” He nearly yelled, taking a moment to bring himself back. “I can’t. She’s angry, and hurt, and who knows what she’ll do. She’s been on the brink of a nervous breakdown for the last three days, and this would set her over the edge! This is the whole reason I didn’t want to tell her.” He replied, speeding through an empty intersection. The sun had set about 10 minutes ago, and it was quickly getting dark. 

_“Whoa, pump the breaks, Reid.”_ Rossi said from his side of the line, he was in the office with Emily. _“You made that choice not to tell her, that was your right. This reaction, is a consequence of that choice. You realize now that it was selfish and wrong, great. Forget about it now. What you need to to focus on is finding her.”_

_“I have a ping!”_ Garcia said suddenly. _It looks like it’s just an empty field?”_ his heart dropped. She might have gone off the road, she might be hurt. She might be dead. He forced himself not to think about it, instead demanding the coordinates. _“Wait! No! It’s a cemetery.”_

“She’s at her father’s grave.” He said with a breath of relief. “What’s his plot number?” 

_“K98, It’s the third tier from the road, about half way down.”_ He made a hard u-turn, speeding back towards the outskirts of town and slammed his foot on the gas. Garcia had already basically told him any police or speeding tickets would be dealt with, as he was technically acting on the FBI’s behalf, so he didn’t care that he ran two red lights, checking the intersection before flying through them. Luckily, this part of town was quiet. 

_“We are going to stay on the phone Spence, don’t worry.”_ JJ said, and he felt a sick sort of dread fill him. The only reason they would do that is if there was a chance she might need medical attention. Chances were Garcia had them on standby at this very moment. 

He barely threw the car into park as he arrived at the cemetery, the door flying open as he sprinted down the trail that led to the plot, it was a half a mile, and he made it in record time. A part of him joked that if they wanted him to do the 300 meter sprint on the fitness exam all they had to do was tell him the love of his life was in danger on the other side. 

“She’s not here.” He said, his voice panicked. His eyes swung over the surrounding areas but it was difficult in the dark and he thought he imagined the foot sticking out from the grave, his heart lurching at the dark red handprint and the obvious blood on the stone. “Oh god.” He breathed quietly, and he heard Emily order Garcia to call for medical. 

_“Spencer, medics are on the way, what do you see.”_ Emily asked and he stammered to reply. 

“There’s.. Blood. So much..” He shook his head, placing the phone on a headstone as he rushed over, relief flooding him when she responded to him tapping her. “She’s responsive.” He said finally, the professional training taking over to respond to the situation. “(Y/n)? Can you hear me? Can you sit up? Where’s the blood coming from?” She mumbled something, her hand reaching out to find the source of the noise, and he grabbed her wrist, turning it over to see the gashes. “She’s cut her hand… it looks like there’s glass?” He sniffed the air and sighed. He turned her head, the goose egg on her forehead bleeding. “She must have fallen and hit her head on the stone.” He could hear sirens in the distance. 

“Dad?” Her voice finally made a real word and his heart shattered. 

“You're going to be okay, baby, come on, stay with me.” He begged, his eyes darting up as the blue and red flashing lights entered the graveyard. He grabbed his phone, turning on the flashlight and waving it back and forth to direct them. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry-” She kept repeating the phrase, tears flowing in already present tracks on her face and he wiped them away quickly. Moving out of the way as the medics rushed in and lifted her onto the gurney. He followed quickly behind, clasping his hand in hers when she reached out for him, despite the gore on her hands, he held her tightly, his eyes never leaving hers as she desperately tried to keep focused and awake, the pain and alcohol making that task nearly impossible. 

He kept whispering to her, telling her she was going to be okay, and how she had nothing to apologize for. But most importantly, he kept saying how much he loved her, hoping she could hear him through all the noise. 

*~*~*

The team sat in silence on the phone, Spencer’s line having gone dead moments before. There was an understanding in that moment, one that all of them at one point or another had to face. There were some battles that they had to face alone, and even more that they needed each other to get through. Spencer Reid had lost a love once before. He had been abused by unsubs, the criminal justice system that he served, and their own brass, and everytime he had survived, thrived, even. But he was human like the rest of them, and (Y/n) had become what made him human. 

Never had they seen him so driven, so focused, not since Gideon, not since Cat, and absolutely not since Maeve. He had found something to live for again, and he may have just lost it. Garcia spoke first. “What do we do now?” 

“We wait.” Emily responded, sighing heavily. 

“We can’t just sit here and do nothing.” JJ argued, and Emily couldn’t help but agree. 

“Going to him at the hospital would only make an already difficult conversation harder. We wait for him to come home, and support him when he does. Right now, we all need to be available for if and when he calls.” 

“Meet at the BAU?” JJ said, already packing up her stuff and grabbing her keys. 

“Someone call Morgan.” Rossi said, already pulling out his phone to alert Grace and the other girls. 

“On it.” Garcia said, ending the call and doing just that. And like that, the BAU family was mobilized, ready to brace the fall.


	30. Selfish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOoGBUSYZtg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so sorry this is late. We had a death in the family yesterday and I couldn't focus. I am okay now, this is a good distraction, but I apologize if this isn't the same quality you are used to, I tried to write it and edit it as quickly as I could so not to delay it any longer. Thank you all for reading. Love you!

Waking up to the repetitive beeping was not what I expected when my eyes opened to the recovery room of the hospital. I looked around, my head aching and my eyes blurry. I turned my hands over, and they were wrapped in a few layers of clean gauze. The dry taste in my mouth that was tinged slightly with the taste of rum made me wonder why I didn’t have a hangover, but the IV in my arm answered that quickly. I groaned, closing my eyes against the bright lights and turned my head, my eyes opening to see a man’s jacket over the seat. I recognized it immediately, and so when Spencer entered the room, I wasn’t surprised. He rushed to my side, but hesitated at the last second. Pausing a few feet from the edge of my bed. 

“Hi.” He said quietly. 

“Why are you here?” I asked, not accusing, but surprised and hurt. His face fell, and he sat in the seat across from me. 

“I know you don’t want to see me-” 

“That’s not what I said.” I interrupted, and his face was a curious mixture of nervous, happy, and sad. “I asked why you’re here. I thought you would be gone by now.” I could read the clock on the wall. It was 8 am. The last thing I remembered was a few hours to sunset. 

“You didn’t come back. We went looking for you, and when I couldn’t find you-” He cleared his throat, looking to the floor as he tried to compose himself. “I assumed the worst.” I nodded, turning my head back to face forward, my mind spinning. Drugs only did so much. 

“What happened?” I asked, the missing time not helping ease my worries about the gauze on my extremities, or the pounding in my head. Did… did I crash? Fuck, did I kill someone?

“What do you remember?” He questioned, and I looked to him out of the corner of my eyes, and he was watching me expectantly. 

“I remember driving around. I bought rum. I remember drinking it, and then I… there was pain, and…” I shook my head. 

“You hit your head on a gravestone. You must have smashed a bottle because there was glass in your hands and arms.” He sighed. “(Y/n), you have to know how lucky you are that nothing more happened.” I scoffed, turning my face away from him. “No, you’re not just going to turn away from me. Look at me.” I obeyed, my mind still catching up, only when I remembered I was angry at him did I glare at him. 

“Why are you really here?” He looked at me, confused. 

“What?” 

“Why are you _really_ here? If you were just concerned about my safety, which is your job, you would be gone by now.” I replied angrily, closing my eyes to a sudden wave of dizziness. 

When I opened them, I saw his face set in a serious line. “I always stay with victims until they wake up.” He replied easily. “Part of my job is making sure that those the FBI assists are aware of the outcome of their case and or that they are prepared to go back into the community.” I scoffed, shaking my head despite the pain. So I was just a victim to him now? That’s all I was. All this time it all boiled down to that. Could he really separate himself from me that easily? 

It made sense really, people had done it before. Avery fucked off to the army, barely writing or calling, and when he did it was just to give me updates or to talk for a bit. I could usually tell that he was probably going on a big mission because he would sound stressed. None of my friends had talked to me after high school, and good riddance honestly. Same with college, when I graduated we all went our separate ways besides me and Aiden. The few friends I did still have weren’t around much. That trip before I found out Aiden was cheating on me was a rare thing. Turns out they knew about the affair and he had asked them not to tell me. I dropped them real quick. But I did note that I saw them in the courtroom for Jamie’s trial. 

“You’re ridiculous.” I said to the ceiling, not even really knowing what to respond should he ask. 

“(Y/n), you scared the shit out of me.” Came his sad reply, and I felt my heart clench. 

“Yea, well, that’s on you for getting attached, maybe the FBI should train you better.” I snapped, regretting it instantly. But I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the hurt look on his face. Instead, I heard him stand, and felt his hand on my arm. I didn’t pull away this time, in fact, I hoped he never let go. There was so much anger in my heart and in my mind, but I couldn’t let go of it no matter how hard I tried. Maybe it wasn’t so much anger but worry manifesting as anger. Whatever the case, it was like drinking poison and waiting for him to die. 

“I will apologize every day for the rest of my life if that’s what it takes, but you can’t push me away.” Tears finally made their way into my eyes and they trailed down my face as I glared at him, angrily. 

“Why not?” I replied hoarsely, and he tilted his head and furrowed his brow in confusion. “Why?” I demanded again. 

“Why what?” His hand lifted from my arm, and it hovered a few inches above the skin, like he was afraid that he might hurt me. I didn’t want him to let go, I needed him to hold me, but I was too stubborn to ask for it, hoping my eyes conveyed the feelings my words wouldn’t. 

“Why can’t I push you away? Why are you _here_? Why haven’t you called me an idiot or told me I was fucking stupid, or reckless, or-” I paused, blinking away the emotion to try to get it under control, but pain medication made it hard to manage my feelings. “Why haven’t you told me you hate me?” His face fell, then he sighed, taking the lesser of my two mangled hands, holding it gently in his. 

“Because I told you I would never lie to you.” I shook my head, pulling my hand away from him and turned on my side the best I could. He didn’t take it personally. “(Y/n), what you’re going through right now is something that I can’t help you through, because I am the problem.” I stared straight ahead at the wall, trying to block him out, but my heart wouldn’t let me and I hung on his every word. “I think… maybe you should take some time, however long that is, to work through this. And… when _you_ are ready, if you ever are… you give me a call. Okay?” I didn’t say anything. I just took a breath, but nodded. 

I heard him walk from the room moments later,and when the door closed behind him, I finally curled into a ball and cried into the side of my bed, grief and strangely, relief, flooding me. But the ball was in my court this time, and if I was anything I was stubborn, and we both knew that unless someone strongarmed me on my worst day I may never call him again. The thought, more like that fact physically hurt, and through my sobs I heard the rapid beeping of my heart monitor and a nurse with a sympathetic look on her face rushed in, pulling my body to hers, and I clung to her scrubs, taking whatever comfort I could find. 

*~*~*

Spencer didn’t know what happened between the hospital and the airstrip. Well, he did, that was the curse of his mind, but really, his mind was only present to the minimal degree. He wouldn’t let himself cry, not until he was alone, so instead he stared out the window of the plane, his mind cruelly blank. There were two other agents on the plane, the two of them talking in quiet whispers on the other end of the plane. They knew who he was, he had no idea who they were, maybe that was better. 

They landed at Quantico a few hours later, and he all but stumbled out of the plane and onto the tarmac. There, he was surprised to see Morgan, and JJ. He sighed, walking past them to the trunk of their car, reluctantly accepting their silent order to get in the car. Not before JJ wrapped him in a tight hug, pulling him into her. He broke then, burying his face in her shoulder as Morgan laid a hand on his back. The two of them ushered him into the car, sitting him down in the back seat and pulling away, heading back to the main building to the BAU. 

Again, numb awareness, only really coming to when he saw everyone had gathered, looking up at him in concern. “She’s okay. Her uhm… her hands needed a few stitches… but it was only a minor concussion.” They nodded, relieved.

“Spencer, you know we all love you right?” He nodded to Emily, who extended her hand to rest on his upper arm. 

“We are all gonna go to Rossi’s for some early dinner okay?” JJ said, and he prepared to shake his head, really just wanting to go home, but they didn’t let him. 

“No, not this time. This time we do this together.” Penelope said, her voice hiding choked back tears, ever the empath, he could tell she just wanted to hold him, so he extended his arms and she rushed into them. Accepting both his hug, and his agreement to be with them. 

*~*~*

When I was finally released from the hospital the next morning, once they were sure that my concussion wasn’t going to negatively affect me. The doctor said I might have some headaches and a bit of dizziness, which was probably from my bloodloss. Fun Fact, Alcohol makes you lose blood very quickly. Who knew? Probably Spencer. Fuck. Discharge papers in hand, I walked out the front doors of the hospital to see a familiar white SUV. Leaning against the side was none other than Grace, with Jennie sitting on the hood and Angel in the front seat. My jaw dropped, and I blinked a few times to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing. 

“Hey bitch!” Angel called, drawing the attention of a few people milling around. I smiled apologetically and then rushed over to their side of the parking lot, dodging cars as I did. 

“What the _Fuck_ Are you guys doing here?!” I whisper yelled, hugging Jennie as she jumped up, wrapping her pale arms around me. 

“We heard your ass was in the hospital for getting drunk and fucking up a cemetery.” Grace said crassly and I glared at her, which earned a smack from Angel. 

“Derek called us.” She said easily. “He said you were in the hospital with a concussion and that you were going to insist on flying even though your head was going to be pounding, so instead of buying you a ticket like he said he was going to, he called us. So, roadtrip!” She danced in her seat, pulling up a baggie of snacks. I felt tears in my eyes again and Jennie made a noise of support and held me tighter, Grace patting me on the shoulder. 

I pulled away, clearing my throat a few times before I could speak. “So uhm… Spencer… and I are on a break.” I said after much struggle and they all looked to each other, nodding. 

“If that’s what you need baby, we're here for you.” Angel affirmed, patting the side of the car since she couldn’t reach me. 

I tried to smile and it just came out as bitter. “I know what he does for a living.” Grace and Angel exchanged a look and I watched them carefully, but Jennie distracted me, pulling fully away to look at me shocked. 

“Wait… you do?” I nodded. 

“And you’re never gonna believe it.” I replied, trying to find the humour in the situation but failing miserably. Grace sighed and spun the keys on her fingers. 

“Well, tell us in the car. We still have to go get your stuff yet.” I nodded, climbing in the car as Jennie closed the door for me, my hands really not that useful with 10 stitches between them. 

We drove back to my mom’s house, where Jamie and Kristen were sitting on the couch talking quietly. Jamie stood instantly when he saw me, rushing to my side and holding me tightly. They hadn’t come to see me in the hospital, and I was kind of hurt because of it, but Jamie held me so close to his chest that those worries melted away. To be fair to him, he hadn’t seen or been able to hold his girlfriend in weeks, and he would only get anxious in the sterile nature of the hospital. 

Grace, Angel, and Jennie all walked in behind me, greeting my brother and Kristen kindly. He seemed a bit nervous having so many people he didn’t know but when they followed me into my room to help me collect my things, he relaxed, and I heard him walk back to the living room and turn on the T.V. again. 

The girls worked quietly, each one grabbing anything that looked out of place and either folded it, or tossed it into a laundry bag to be done once we were back in D.C. It was effective, and since I really couldn’t do much with my hands, I mostly just collected things that they missed and tossed them to Jennie who was folding everything nicely. 

“Hey, Uhm.. (Y/n)?” I turned, and she was holding up one of Spencer’s shirts. I froze, then against my own will, raised my hand and she handed it to me. I clutched it tightly to my chest, inhaling the scent. They noticed, but didn’t say anything, just quietly returning to their self assigned tasks.

An hour later, all my things were packed and in the car. Jamie was standing to the side, waiting to say his goodbye, and I hugged him tightly. “Take care of mom for me okay?” He nodded, squeezing my tightly. “And come visit.” He sighed. 

“You can count on it.” He promised, though I knew he would rather do anything else but be in a city. He was a country boy, rarely even heading into Bangor proper, preferring to stay in the more rural areas. “Are you going to see mom before you leave?” I stiffened, and shook my head.

“Dr.Arnold said it would only upset her to see me bandaged up. She’d want to know why and-” He nodded. 

“I’ll go tell her that you had to leave on an emergency, but that you’ll call when you’re home.” I smiled, hugging him again. 

“Thanks Jame.” He smiled, ruffling my hair, careful to avoid my injury. “You should call Avery too, I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.” He patted my arm in acknowledgement and I smiled tearfully. “See ya around.” I croaked and he turned before I saw him cry. 

I climbed into the back of the car, in the bucket seat next to Jennie, and Grace pulled out as we waved, Kristen jumping as she waved goodbye. I watched as Jamie wrapped his arm around her waist and kissed the side of her head and smiled sadly. They watched us until we disappeared around the bend, and I kept my eyes glued to the window, trying to memorize the trees. 

“Your hometown is beautiful, (Y/n).” Grace said suddenly and I turned my head to see her barely watching the road as she tried to see all the beautiful homes and views. Angel and Jennie nodded in agreement and I smiled proudly. 

“You sound surprised.” I teased, and I saw them all visibly relax at my joke. 

“Well if it produced something like you? I was a little concerned.” Angel teased, her eyes glowing with mirth. I glared playfully at her. 

“Do we need to talk about Smyrna?” She went pale and bit her lip. “That’s what I thought.” I shot back, only for the three of us to laugh, Grace pulling onto 95 South and heading home.

*~*~*

**Two Months Later**

“How long has it been since your mother passed?” The therapist asked, watching her patient shift uncomfortably on the couch before her. “It’s important to talk about this, you’ve told me yourself that you have a tendency to push away emotions and ignore them. This is dangerous, and can affect your ability to move forward.” 

“A month, give or take.” 

“That’s good, when I asked you this when you first came in, you gave me the exact amount of time.” Her patient nodded, picking at their nails and clearing their throat. “One a scale of one to ten, how is your anxiety?” 

“Six.” 

“Okay, that’s an improvement too! You’re doing really well.” The words were hollow, how could you possibly tell someone who was grieving that they were doing ‘well’ with the process? You couldn’t but people needed to know that they weren’t stagnant. “Did you go to the funeral?” They shook their head. “Why not?” 

“I didn’t… I couldn’t get there… in time.” They replied nervously. “I tried, but… by the time I knew about it, she had already been cremated, and… well.” 

“(Y/n), you are holding a lot of guilt about this, aren’t you?” She nodded. “Why?”

“Because I should have known.” She said loudly, apologizing quietly, and taking a breath. “Her doctor told me that she wasn’t doing well, and I trusted him to take care of her, and he didn’t.” (Y/n) looked up from her hands for the first time, as if begging the therapist not to be angry with her. 

“You used the word ‘trust’.” (Y/n) thought for a moment but nodded. “You trusted a medical professional to tell you the truth about someone under their care, and they didn’t. That isn’t your fault, you are not a medical professional, there is no way you could have known or done anything to stop it.” (Y/n)’s eyes became red and the therapist handed her the box of tissues. 

“But,” She croaked out, her voice scratchy as she tried to push down the grief she had fought so hard to control. “She’s… she was my mom… I should… it was my responsibility to know.” The doctor sighed, reaching out her hand to rub her young patient’s back. 

“(Y/n), sweetie, you had a lot of responsibility put on you from a young young age. You are not all knowing, and you are hundreds of miles away, you put your faith in the doctor, and he failed you. You didn’t fail anyone. And he’s facing punishments for this isn’t he?” She nodded. “As little as it is, your mother is getting justice.” Again, she nodded, taking in a shaky breath and blowing her nose. You would never know that she was crying, which was something the doctor had to realize quickly. Her patient was good at hiding her real emotions, sometimes to a fault. They had worked on that, but showing grief was new. 

“They said it wasn’t painful.” She said quietly. “That’s what I’m hanging on right now.” The doctor smiled, hugging her for a moment before returning to her own chair. 

“Well, that’s good. Have you thought more on what we talked about last time?” (Y/n) nodded, but it was clear that she hadn’t done what they had discussed.

“I see him on the T.V. I never used to notice before, but now, he’s always on the news. Every time a serial killer comes around or there’s a missing kid, it’s always _him_.” She replied bitterly, but it wasn’t bitterness out of hate, but out of sadness. She missed him, that was clear. 

“You told me before that you considered him a hero. Do you still?” She nodded reluctantly. “But you haven’t called him.” 

“He doesn’t want to hear from me.” She made a face, she knew that (Y/n) was deflecting. She didn’t want to admit that she was scared. 

“I’m sure he does, but you still need time, and you are still healing.” She looked down to her notes, flipping back a few pages. “That party is this weekend right?” (Y/n)’s face lit up and she nodded. 

“Hank’s birthday? Yes, it’s on Sunday.” The therapist smiled brightly, and checked her watch. 

“Well, when you get back on Tuesday, I want to hear all about it. But right now, we are all out of time. Are you okay?” (Y/n) nodded quickly, wiping at her nose and eyes one more time before she was collected and she headed out the door, a bit more of a pep in her step than when she walked in. The doctor watched her go with sympathetic hope. That poor girl had been through the wringer, but she was healing slowly. They had met twice a week for the better part of a month, shortly after her mother committed Suicide. 

It was a heart wrenching experience, and the girl was at the lowest low she had ever been at, and barely holding it together. But there was a strength within her that even she had to admit was impressive. The doctor had worked her through the initial grief phase, and then they worked on what was left, which is the guilt and anger that came from the malpractice suit, and then she opened up about the boyfriend. She continues to use present tense, so he was still in her life, but not to the same degree. It had been two months since they had spoken, and like a cruel joke, he just happened to be on the news every other night with a national serial killer case, and then a kidnapping. 

Even the doctor had to admit for a moment that maybe the universe was trying to smack her into calling him. Little steps, the party had been something she was excited about for a few weeks, so here’s hoping it was going to go well. There was a knock on her door and the therapist stood, opening the door for her next patient.


	31. Home to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hank's Birthday comes around...
> 
> ((AKA the chapter you all have been waiting for))
> 
> youtube.com/watch?v=fvUmrVnqLV0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even begin to say how much the support over the last few days means to me. My aunt is and always will be a big part of my life, and I know she loves me and she will always be right there with me. I feel her with me and I feel all your love as well. Thank you so so so so much. I really can't even begin to explain it, it has helped me get through the sadness. <3
> 
> Here's a long chapter to say thank you.

“What do you _mean_ you’re not going!” Emily said, exasperated as Spencer cleaned up his desk from the papers he had printed. “Spencer, Morgan’s going to be crushed!” 

“I’m sorry, but I have my first _real_ lecture tomorrow and I need to be ready.” He packed the syllabi into his bag, closing the flap on the bag, transferring it to the chair as he collected a few of his books in his arms. 

“Spencer, you have an eidetic memory, there is no way you forget anything, plus, the class is yours, you are legitimately making it up as you go.” Emily argued, standing in front of him as he tried to walk around her. 

“I can’t take that chance.” He replied, pushing past her as she sighed, following him. 

“Just say you don’t want to go.” She snapped, and he paused in his steps, turning to give her an angry look. “You have been avoiding us for weeks. What’s going on with you!” He sighed, leaning his hip against the half wall. 

“She hasn’t texted, or called, or reached out in any way. And when I called her friends, just to check on her, they said that she quit the Lounge.” Emily gave him a half smile in sympathy. “She completely erased me from her life and it makes me scared that she won’t ever call me.” He finally admitted. “And I can’t pretend to be happy for the party because all I’ll be thinking about is how she is so close, yet so far away from me.” 

“Come to the party Spencer. You need a break, and it will clear your mind, get you ready to teach on Monday. I promise.” She placed a hand on his shoulder and he reluctantly nodded, unable to find a fault in her logic. If he couldn’t be happy around friends, there was no way he could pretend to be happy around students. 

She smiled, then let him turn from her and walk to the elevators, waving from the door as he descended, returning to her own desk to finish up some last minute paperwork before heading home on the cool September night. 

*~*~*

“I just don’t see why you won’t go.” Jennie said as she sat awkwardly in the main chair of my living room. 

“You’ve been excited about this party for like two weeks, and now you’re backing out?” Grace agreed from her spot on the couch where she was playing a racing game with Angel. The girls had come over for a slumber party to celebrate my new job as an Immigrant Advocate for a swanky human rights group in the city. 

“I’m not going because I have so much to study and get ready for, for my first day on Monday! They expect me to know all of these laws on my first day.” I argued, turning over the buffalo chicken strips I was cooking before sliding them back into the oven to cook longer. 

“Bullshit.” Angel said, pretending to cough. 

“I agree, you’re just nervous about meeting this guy that Derek is trying to set you up with.” Jennie said, pointing as she popped another handful of M&Ms in her mouth. 

“I’m not ready to date again!” I replied defensively, basically proving Jennie’s point, she just smirked. 

“You don’t want to talk to Spencer, but you don’t want to date anyone new.” Jennie replied, shaking her head. “You’re too hot to be single, (Y/n).” 

“Agreed!” Angel and Grace said in unison before high fiving. I rolled my eyes at them, grabbing my drink and taking a sip. 

“I just don’t know if I’m ready so soon. My therapist didn’t think it was a good idea.” They all turned and raised an eyebrow at me, calling my bluff. “Okay, well maybe she said that I should only do it if I feel comfortable, which I don't!” 

“Look, you’re not gonna marry the guy, just… I don’t know. Talk to him, if he’s worth the time maybe you’ll change your mind, and if you don, hey, no harm no foul.” Grace said, turning back to the game, nudging Angel’s arm to mess her up, earning her a glare and a middle finger. 

“And all else fails at least you have a dick to ride for the night.” Jennie replied crassly, earning her a disgusted look from all of us. She just shrugged. “Oh don’t be such prudes.” She rolled her eyes, playing on her phone again. 

“Speaking of being a prude, how’s that person you went on a date with?” I asked, changing the subject. 

“They’re nice.” She replied, blushing. “Their name is Taylor, and I don’t know, I really like them.” Jennie smiled into her phone, obviously texting the Taylor in question. 

“Are you going to ask them to be your partner?” Angel asked, only making Jennie blush harder. 

“I’ll drink to that!” I replied, raising my glass, happy for my friend. The others did too, and then, all was forgotten and we focused on the game, and cheered as Angel came around for a last second win. 

*~*~*

Saturday came and went, and before I knew it, it was Afternoon, and I was slipping into my jeans and sweater, tying a birthday bandanna around Daisy’s neck and grabbing my bag for Hank. Savannah asked me to come over early to help get everything ready, Derek off on an assignment for work until just before the party started. I arrived to the Morgans’ around 3:10, and when I arrived, Daisy immediately made her way to the backyard as she normally did when we visited, and I took Hank from Savannah as she hugged me. 

“Thank god you’re here, I was drowning and I need to pee!” She replied excitedly and I laughed, bouncing Hank on my hip as she disappeared around the corner. Most of the decorations were up, an Avengers theme, and I smiled, walking with Hank as he pointed to his favourite Avenger, the Falcon. 

“Who’s that? Hmm? Who’s that?” He garbled out a baby rendition of the falcon’s name, and he giggled, kicking out his legs as I walked with him. I placed his gift on the table, proud of myself that I had picked his favourite unintentionally with a Captain America and the Falcon bag. When Savannah returned, my job was mostly just to hold Hank and listen to her as she rushed around with the grace and ease of a mother who was more than competent to do everything on her own. 

“How’s your brother doing?” She asked suddenly, using a massive knife to cut up apple slices and grapes for Hank, handing me a few to chew on myself as she popped a few in her mouth. 

“Good!” I replied happily. “He finally asked Kristen to marry him last week.” She made an excited face and cheered quietly. 

“Was he nervous?” I nodded, handing Hank an apple slice. 

“He did it for her birthday down at the water, and he took your advice to have the picnic on the grass. She loved it! I can’t believe he was scared she’d say no.” I joked, shaking my head. “And he used my mom’s ring, which is nice.” I said sadly, and Savannah sighed, wrapping me in a hug and kissing the top of my head as I sniffed. “Sorry, no tears.” 

“Don’t you ever apologize for that, you’re family here, you know that.” I nodded, and she pulled away. “You look beautiful by the way.” I blushed, looking down to my outfit. 

“I was worried it wasn’t dressy enough.” She shook her head and tutted, motioning to her own jeans and sweater look. It had been an unusually chilly week, so sweaters seemed to be the move. 

“You look amazing.” Came a voice from behind me, and I turned, smiling to Derek who extended an arm to me and hugged me to his side, his bag in the other arm. “Happy birthday little man!” He said, kissing Hank’s head. “Let me go put this down and I’ll take him.” I made a motion of holding him tight to my chest, miming that he could never take him and he laughed, kissing the top of my head like Savannah. 

I bounced Hank on my hip for a moment longer before Derek came and I only slightly pretended to be upset that he was taking him, but now with free hands I could help Savannah take things to the table, so I did, carrying the heavier of the platters to the main living room. “Baby, when are your friends getting here?” She asked, just as the doorbell rang, answering her questions. “Ten bucks says it’s Penelope.” She teased, and by the squealing and clack of heels, she was right. She gave me a look and I tried to suppress my giggles as the blonde woman I had met once before bumbled in. 

Her eyes landed on me and she squealed again, wrapping me in a big hug I couldn’t help but return. “Oh my gosh! You’re here! And you look so beautiful! Oh I’m so glad that you’re here, I got you something, and I know that you don’t really like gifts but I couldn’t help it.” She produced a little name plate from her bag, and I took it from her in shock. On it, was my name in official lettering on a brass and glass name plate, with my work title under it. 

“Penny, this… this is…” I couldn’t find the words. 

“Oh! One more thing.” She produced a squeaky toy and squeezed it, and as if summoned, Daisy rocketed around the corner, sitting patiently before she was given the toy and she scampered off again. 

“You didn’t have to do that.” I said, emotionally, placing it down on my bag and coat in the corner. 

“I wanted to.” She said, placing a hand on my shoulder kindly, until all of our attention as taken from the doorbell ringing again and a little boy ran in, chasing after Penelope as she giggled, running away from him. 

“Hey JJ.” Derek said, wrapping her in a hug, then shaking her husband’s hand, a baby trolly in his hand. 

I left the main entrance at that, following Savannah in to the back to help organize the drinks as more people arrived. When I returned, there were so many people I didn’t know that I was sort of overwhelmed, I decided to spend my time in the back with the people I had met before, and to watch over Daisy, who was playing with the older kids. I smiled, she was such a sweet dog, it hurt my heart to think that someone thought she was aggressive, to me, she was my best friend. 

*~*~*

Spencer sat outside the house for a good ten minutes before he got the courage to walk in. He was already late. It was near on 6 pm, and most of the little children had gone home, and all that was left was the older friends, his friends. He sighed again, loudly before he grabbed the gift from his back seat and made the trek up to the front door. He paused at the door again, adjusting his shirt for the thousandth time. Just as he was about to knock however, there was a rustling in the bushes, and he jumped as a creature bounded into him. 

Only after he took a moment to think did he realize that it was a dog. A very familiar dog, his heart stopped. “DAISY!” She called, and he thought he would be sick. She pulled open the door, first seeing her dog harassing someone. “Oh my god I am so sorry! She’s nice I promi-” She stopped, her eyes going wide. “Spe..Spencer?” 

She ushered the dog inside, then closed the door behind her, eyes ablaze with accusations. “(Y/n).” He started, confusion on his face. 

“Are you fucking stalking me?” She cut him off, her tone quiet as she looked behind her, trying to make sure her voice couldn’t be heard over the music. “Seriously!? You think you can just track me down and find me? Are you psychotic? What did you use your FBI connections to find me? Too much of a coward to just call me yourself? Typical. You know what, I’m not even surprised. You always think that you are the smartest in the room and the only one who knows what’s going on, so why wouldn’t you abuse your resources to find me?” His face was set in a dull line and he rolled his eyes, giving her a look that instantly shut her up, as it always did. 

“Are you done?” She took a step back, shocked and then nodded, blinking a few times to try to get her breath back. He nodded, clearing his throat as he showed the bag in his hand, a birthday gift. “I’m here to see my godson.” He said simply. “What are you doing here?” 

“I’m… Derek… he’s… my neighbor?” She shook her head confused. “Wait _you’re_ Hank’s godfather!?” 

It was his turn to look surprised. “You’re the girl that Derek’s been talking about!?” 

Her mouth dropped open in surprise, and then angry embarrassment. “You’re the guy?” The door opened suddenly behind them, and Derek’s face was at first happy, then nervous, and then smug. 

“Oh good. You’re here, Spencer, meet (Y/n), (Y/n), meet Spencer.” He smirked, and they glared first at each other, and then him. “Behave, the both of you. This is a party after all.” He winked, and then pulled (Y/n) in by her arm, leading them both into the main living area. All the anger dissipated from (Y/n)’s shoulders, and Spencer couldn’t help the slight sigh of relief that he felt at that fact. 

The entire BAU team looked up at the sound, and a silence passed over them for a moment as they gauged the reaction. Obviously, this was a team effort to get them in the same room, obviously happy that they didn’t have to listen to the whining of either of them any longer. 

“Anyone up for a drink?” Derek offered.

“Fuck yes.”

“Absolutely.” (Y/n) and Spencer answered at the same time, and Spencer gave her a look at her language, but she ignored it, moving away from his side to follow Rossi into the kitchen to help him fill drink orders. Hank, who was now making a B-Line from his godmother, Penelope, to his godfather, Spencer, was scooped up by the latter and he sat, placing the toddler on his lap to distract both of them from the awkward situation at hand. This was going to be a long night. 

*~*~*

“DEREK! What the actual fuck man!” I whisper yelled as I followed him into the kitchen where he made his way to the bar set up and started pouring drinks. 

He turned to me, handing me the drink he had prepared and I took it from him taking a sip and letting the strong taste steady me. “How was I supposed to know you knew each other.” He asked, a smug look on his face. “You told me the guy you had been seeing was named Aiden.” I gave him a look and he sighed, returning to a fatherly look. “(Y/n), I’ve known Spencer for years, and I have never seen him so broken up about something in my life, even when he lost other girlfriends, he’s never been broken like this.” I looked to the floor shuffling my feet.

“He doesn't want to see me.” I replied quickly, repeating the same mantra to him that I had said to myself every time I had tried to call him. 

“Oh cut the shit. The only reason you’re in here and not out there is because you know that he won’t stop looking at you.” I startled at his brutal honesty and looked up to him, surprised. “Give the kid a chance. You both deserve at least that.” I nodded, and he grabbed the other drinks and returned to the living room, and I followed a few moments later with the drink for Savannah. 

I handed it to her, and she thanked me, and I realized with unsurprised annoyance that the group had somehow left the only place to sit as directly next to Spencer. I stubbornly decided to stand, squatting near Hank who was playing with the books I bought him. He looked up to me, and handed me the book _The Kissing Hand_ and my heart melted as he said my name, but in that baby-ish way. 

“You want me to read it?” He nodded, and crawled into my lap like he always did when I babysat him, and I pulled him in, placing my drink down to open the book on his lap. “Okay, sit nice please.” He calmed down and I smiled, flipping to the first page. “Chester Raccoon stood at the edge of the forest, and cried! ‘I don’t want to go to school!’ he told his mother, ‘I want to stay home! With you! I want to play with my friends and play with my toys, and read my books and swing on my swing!’” I started, my own childhood memories flooding in as I remembered my own mother reading the same book. My eyes filled with tears, but I pushed through, forcing myself to continue reading. 

I could feel eyes on me, and I didn’t look up, but I knew them to be Spencer's. The rest of the party had given me the privacy to read and with Hank entertained, had focused on more adult conversations. “The warmth of Chester’s kiss filled her heart with special words. ‘Chester loves you,’ it sang ‘Chester loves you.’ I love you.” I looked down, seeing Hank had fallen asleep in my arms. I looked up to Derek and he smiled kindly. He moved to get him but I waved him off, expertly scooping the toddler into my arms and standing, depositing him over my shoulder as I quietly walked from the room, and headed up the stairs to where his bedroom was. 

The din of the party dulled behind me, and I hummed a lullaby quietly as I rocked him back and forth, doing the nightly routine of turning on a baby monitor and nightlight, then grabbed his stuffie and blanket, curling my body to lower him into the crib and bring the blanket up to his chin. I turned on a noise machine, the party still loud enough to wake him up if we weren’t careful, and turned, startling as I saw a silhouette in the door. 

I glared at Spencer playfully, and shooed him out of the room, closing the door behind me. “You scared me!” I said awkwardly, walking partly down the hall to move towards the stairs. 

“(Y/n), wait, please.” I stopped at the top of the stairs, frozen. “Can… we talk? Please?” I closed my eyes, sighing deeply, before I nodded, and he let me decide where we were going. I opted for Derek’s study, walking in and turning as he closed the door. There was a long pause before either of us spoke. “You look beautiful.” 

“Thank you, that suit looks nice on you.” I replied, and he smiled sadly. “I uhm… I really wasn’t expecting to see you.” He nodded, rubbing the back of his head and shuffling in agreement. 

“I wasn’t expecting to see you either.” he cleared his throat awkwardly. “How.. how have you been?” I huffed a bitter laugh and shrugged, hugging myself as I smiled sadly. 

“Pretty shitty…” I sighed, closing my eyes. My therapist said to stop talking so negatively, because it wasn’t helping. “But… I’m getting help. I have a therapist now.” His smile brightened so much it hurt, like he was proud of me, truly proud of me. 

“That’s great news! Is it helping?” I shifted and nodded, smiling shyly.

“She helped me through mom’s passing, I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn't found her.” His face fell immediately, and my heart jolted. Had no one told him? Derek didn’t? None of his friends? I had met a few of the others before, Penelope a few times, and JJ once or twice. They both knew, mostly because Derek asked them to look out for me when he and the family went on a weekend trip and he didn’t want me to be alone while I house sat for them. 

“Oh, oh my god, (Y/n) I’m so sorry.” he took a step forward, as if to hug me but stopped. I really wish he hadn’t. “When?” 

I cleared my throat to keep the tears down. “Uhm.. like.. Two weeks after I got back? She, she committed…” I couldn’t finish the sentence, and this time, he didn’t stop himself, he just wrapped his arms around me tightly. I gladly accepted it. Everyone had treated me like I was glass, too afraid to touch me, or talk about it, or even use the word ‘mom’ in a sentence. It was infuriating. I had been through so much worse, and yet they thought I would break. 

Not Spencer though, he held me as though I was human, and someone who needed so badly to be loved. My hands detached from my own body and wrapped around him, clutching the back of his shirt so tightly it hurt my still sore hands. He rocked me back and forth, just telling me how sorry he was, and how there was nothing he could say to make it better other than that he was here. 

I cried into his shirt, finally feeling safe enough to feel it fully. I hadn’t, even alone, let myself feel the grief, but now, with him finally in my arms I realized exactly what I needed, and it was him. Spencer came to the ground with me when my knees gave out and never let go, even when he was adjusting his grip to be able to reach the tissues on the table for me, but my shaking hands wouldn’t grip them so he just wiped the tears and snot from my face without judgement. 

The action made me laugh, and it was enough to bring me back around. He looked at me with a strange mix of confusion and relief. “What are you laughing about?” He teased and I just laughed again, dragging my sweater over my eyes. 

“Just that I’ve had to do the same thing for Hank on numerous occasions.” I joked, finally getting my breathing under control. 

Spencer just laughed, resting his head on mine as we sat, my body shaking with sobs randomly. “I still can’t believe that the babysitter that Derek has been trying to set me up with is _you_.” He shook his head and I felt his laugh through my ear on his chest. 

I laughed out a loud gasping breath. “You should hear how he described you.” I teased and Spencer gave me a look. “He said you were a kid that he used to work with, a little clumsy, very clean, and maybe smart enough to keep up with me.” I quoted and Spencer scoffed and I actually took a moment to be offended. 

“He gives me too much credit. There’s no way I could keep up with you.” He said quietly and I blushed, looking down to my feet. Shame suddenly filled me and I moved away from him, turning my legs so I could face him directly. He gave me a startled and concerned look, and I saw his body freeze. 

“Spencer.. I need to apologize.” He opened his mouth to shoot me down and I surged forward, pressing my hand flat against his mouth. He looked down to it, then back up to me, and I felt him smile under my hand. “No. Shush.” I pulled my hand away giving him a look, and he just grabbed my wrist, kissing my hand like in the book and folded my hand over it. My heart melted and I smiled sadly, trying to hold back the tears that so badly wanted to fall again. “I.. I reacted so poorly when you told me, because I was so afraid that you would end up like my dad. I was terrified that I would see that you had been shot, or find out you died on the news.” I blinked away tears. “And everytime I turned on the news, there you were.” 

He flinched, probably having hoped I wouldn’t see his recent work, since it was all over the news for a few days it was a hollow wish. “But I was so afraid, and I couldn’t have someone else dying for me. And you aren’t alone… it took me years to forgive Avery for enlisting-” I sobbed a laugh, sniffing back unshed tears. “Just in case you thought you were special or something.” 

Spencer’s face lifted in a smile, and I saw tears falling down his face so I grabbed a tissue, wiping his face like he had done mine, which caused him to laugh. “So, if you’ll forgive me, for acting like a child, and for pushing you away, an-” His hand shot out like mine and covered my mouth to stop me rambling. 

“No.” He replied, and my heart dropped. “No I won’t forgive you, because I already have. I did the moment I walked out of the hospital room. I forgave you the moment you said it really, because you were right. I never should have kept that from you, regardless of my own feelings because that shock of finding out like that was so cruel. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, and I did it to…” He paused, removing his hand from my mouth. “Well. I did it to the woman I love.” 

So there it was. Out in the open like that. We both let the words hang, the two of us having to accept that it was now spoken, regardless of if we were ready or not. I couldn’t let him hang like that, so I smiled, my heart breaking and healing all at once. 

“And I let the man I love think I hated him. I was so cruel to you.” I shook my head. “How could we ever recover from this?”

“We start over.” He said instantly. And I blinked in surprise. 

“What?” I asked, confused. My eyes darted to his hand as he held it up to me, as if meeting me for the first time. 

“Hi, my name’s Spencer Reid.” I was in shock, but I smiled brightly and took his hand in mine. 

“(Y/n) (L/n).” I said in response and he grinned. 

“By the way, I need to preface that I work for the FBI.” I nodded seriously. 

“I should preface that I work for the federal government as an Immigrant Advocate.” His eyes went wide, another tidbit he never got apparently. 

“You what?!” I smiled and giggled as he wrapped me in his arms again. “(Y/n)! That’s amazing! You should be so proud of yourself!” 

I inhaled his scent, letting myself relax into his familiar embrace. “Well, I thought about what you said, me thinking I would never make it in politics wasn’t my thoughts, it was Aiden’s. So as a fuck you to him I applied as soon as I got back. Got the job in a few days.” He let me go and held my face in his hands. 

“Can I kiss you?” he asked quickly and my face twisted into a kind of lovesick, desperate smile and I nodded. 

Feeling his lips against mine was so right, and I missed him so badly that I thought I was dreaming, like I had so many times before. But no, he was really here, and I was really in his arms, and we were really okay. We didn’t let it go too far, and I pulled away first. 

“Hi.” I said quietly when our breathing went back to normal and our eyes fluttered open. 

“Hi.” He repeated, then he sighed. “I missed you so fucking much.” I giggled and smacked his chest lightly. 

“Language!” He smirked and winked. “We should get back to the party, they are going to start assuming things.” 

“Maybe we should prove them right.” He said suggestively and I just glared at him. 

“What happened to starting over?”

“Plenty of people sleep with each other on the first date, actually the statistics say-” I cut him off with another kiss before I stood, grabbing the baby monitor off the floor as I did. 

“Keep that up and I’ll change my mind about letting you come over.” I said with a wink, watching as his eyes lit up.

“Just for context where am I at right now?” He teased and I turned, walking out the door of the study before calling over my shoulder. 

“You’ve got three Phds figure it out Einstein.” I heard him struggle to his feet and then follow me out, but I was already down the stairs by the time he reached me.


	32. Someone to Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ghosts from the past return. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNVZ4fzkSu8

When we finally returned to the party, Savannah’s friends had left, and all that was left was Derek’s, and, I suppose, Spencer’s. They looked up from their conversation, a knowing smile on their faces. Spencer cleared his throat awkwardly and I shuffled my feet, looking to the ground. The silence was broken by JJ, who smirked and held her hand out to Dave, who grumbled as he fished a 20 out of his pocket. This caused everyone, myself included to laugh, and Spencer guided me to a seat with a hand on my back. I leaned into him and from across the room, I could see Derek smiling lightly. 

There was a strange, but comfortable air in the living room. The group of friends, who had obviously known each other for years, shared stories back and forth about adventures and cases that they had seen and experienced. It made me a bit sad, but Spencer’s presence behind me, his hand on my hip was comforting enough that I was able to detach the stories from the people. They were here, and alive despite the horrors they had seen. Around 11 I felt my eyes starting to droop, and Daisy, sensing this sat beside me and nudged my hand with her nose. I smiled down to her and kissed her head, sitting up. 

“Derek, Savannah, thank you for having me. I had so much fun, but I think it’s time for me to head home.” Derek stood from his place and smiled, wrapping me in a hug as he kissed the top of my head. 

“Thank you for coming and looking out for Hank. Those books are beautiful, he’s going to love them.” I nodded happily and stepped away from him. “Do you want a ride?” I opened my mouth to object but Spencer was already standing, grabbing his coat and mine from the dining room. “Well, that answers that.” I laughed quietly and watched Spencer with adoration. Derek patted me on the shoulder, nodding his head to Spencer as he passed. 

Spencer raised his hand to say goodbye to his friends, who all gave him kind smiles and waved back, watching as the two of us left the house, Daisy hot on my heels. She easily jumped up into the back seat, making herself at home as I closed the door behind her and slid into my own seat, Spencer placing our coats and my name plate gift in the well by my chair. 

It had been so long since I had been in his car that I almost forgot how comfortable it was. The small car, while it could seem cramped, was really just cozy, and I looked around with a small smile. My eyes landed on a strange thing on his side of the car I hadn’t realized before, but now that I saw it I realize what it was… it was a holster, just like in Derek’s car. I had never seen it before because really, the only reason I saw it now was because I knew what it looked like. His was different, it was brown, and leather, while Derek’s was meant for a Glock 17, Spencer’s was a small .22 revolver holster. I sighed, pushing down the feeling of guilt as Spencer slid into his side of the car. He paused, turning to smile at me. I couldn’t stand the intense look in his eye so I leaned forward, pressing my lips to his. His hand came up to cup the side of my face and I smiled against him, pulling back after a few moments to search his eyes. 

I found tired understanding. As much as I might not really want to admit it, which was obvious from my adamant dismissal that he wanted to see me, I missed him like crazy. I would wake up from nightmares constantly, wishing his arms were around me. I would see something that was funny and reminded me of him, and want to text him. It got so painful going into the lounge that I had to stop. I still go, now and again if they need help, but it felt wrong to be there without him. The way his hand enveloped mine tightly, holding it in his while he drove told me that he felt the same. The girls had told me that they had been in touch with him, and that he was asking how I was doing, but I didn’t really want to hear about it. 

They were going to shit themselves when I told them about tonight. Actually, so would my therapist now that I thought about it. We pulled up to my apartment, and he parked in what was slowly becoming “his” spot, and sighed, resting our heads back on the rests. I smiled, and turned to him. “Are you coming in?” 

“Do you want me to?” He replied quickly and I smiled, nodding quietly. He smiled and nodded in response, we waited a beat before moving, leisurely collecting our things and letting Daisy out of the back. She scampered up to the steps, no longer needing a leash and I opened the door for her, letting her run up the stairs and wait by the upper door. Spencer’s hands came around my waist and I was turned, pushed up against the door, his lips on mine once again. I laughed, bringing my arms up to drape over his shoulders. He pulled away from the relatively chaste kiss and rested his forehead on mine. “Do you know how much I missed you?” He replied, his voice breaking. 

“I thought about you every day, every moment. I was so alone without you.” I replied just as quietly and I heard him take in a breath. “But you’re here now, and I’m here now. And we have nowhere to be.” He nodded, understanding my quiet plea to slow down. He stepped away, and I kissed his cheek as I passed, climbing up the stairs as I fumbled with my keys and then pushed open the door. 

I had remodeled the apartment recently, having been left some money by my mom, I was able to live comfortably, and have a savings account that meant I had so much less stress, and with a 9-5 job I didn’t have to work a second. I was happy, comfortable, and secure. Which meant that not only had I fixed the door, finally, I had bought a real security system, which I disabled quickly as he walked in. 

The living room had been replaced by less haphazard furniture, and I actually had a matching set now. My book shelves had been rebuilt to be more sturdy (a misplaced dog toy having brought a set down, earning Angel a broken pinky), and I had plants that despite my lack of a green thumb were thriving. The walls had been painted a light purple, brightening up the room, and the white washed brick wall had been stripped and repainted, but roughed enough that every so often there was a brick popping out. My kitchen had been redone thanks to contact paper and a new coat of paint from the odd brown it was to a nice white and granite, with the island painted green. Sheer curtains in the windows added a touch of adult..ness. That was sorely lacking. It looked less like a college student’s apartment, and more like that of a 20 something professional. It was home. 

“Did you do this all yourself?” He asked quietly, setting my coat and his on the hangar. 

“Over time, I haven’t left the apartment much. I’ve had to sort through a lot when it came to a memorial for mom, selling the house, Avery’s home, so I’ve traveled to Delaware and New Jersey a few times, once to see him come home and he’s stationed at Fort Dix. It’s been a long month, so I did what I could.” I rambled, filling Daisy’s bowls. She ignored them, instead going out the doggy door that my new landlord had installed to the back porch to snooze on the deck in the cool air. I watched her carefully, still not convinced she wouldn’t jump the railing. 

“(Y/n), I’m sorry, I should have reached out to you, I shouldn’t have waited. I know you, and you wouldn’t reach out, even if you wanted to.” He said suddenly, and I turned, furrowing my brow. He knew? Of course he knew, but… he knew? 

“Spencer, I can’t expect you to know every little thing about me. I didn’t give very much.” I said with an uncomfortable laugh, still not used to talking to him. I leaned back against the counter as he stood on the other side of the island, giving me my space. 

“I know that you only eat the red and blue sour patch kids because you think the orange and yellow ones ‘try too hard to be sour’.” He said with air quotes and my eyes went wide. I think I may have said that once, one time. And he remembered it? 

“How did you-”He smirked. 

“I also know that you can’t have the volume level be an odd number or not a multiple of five, even if in doing so it’s too loud.” I shook my head smiling at him. “And you hate the winter, but you love the cold.” He moved around the island, and I dropped my arms as he rested his hands once again on my waist, careful not to crowd me, always a gentleman. “I know that you love flying, but hate taking off and landing.” I had never said most of these things directly to him, only in groups, and I realized that he was listening, always. 

“Okay, so maybe you know more about me than I thought.” I frowned. “But I don’t know much about you.” I said sadly. “Really, I don’t.” 

“Yes you do, you just don’t realize it, you weren’t trained to know what you’re seeing, but you do.” I furrowed my brow and he smiled.

I thought about it for a moment, and I realized that maybe I did know. He hated driving. But he would rather drive than be driven, especially if I was in the car. Maybe he didn’t trust that something wouldn’t happen? Or that he knew that he could process more information faster. I also knew that his love language was quality time, and words of affirmation. He wasn’t a fan of physical touch, but it was still there, because even the most touch averse people could be touch starved. I knew that when he drank coffee, he would hold it in his hands for a moment, then drink it. He put his hands in his pockets because he was worried about it being aggressive. Which was why when he was dealing with someone combative at the lounge, his hands would always be out of his pockets. It gave him confidence. 

He had different voices for different people. For children, he was quiet and soft, and got on their level but not in a patronizing way, but so that they didn’t have to look up at him. With strangers his voice was that of an educator, with his work friends, it was jovial and childish, and with me, it was relaxed, like he didn’t have to explain anything to me. He smiled when he realized that I had put it together. “See, you know a lot about me.” 

“I don’t know where you got your doctorate from.” I pointed out and he smirked. 

“Which one?” I glared at him and he laughed, tipping his head to rest on mine, then kissed me gently. “MIT.” He said after a moment and I scoffed, pushing away from him playfully. “What? You asked!” I rolled my eyes at him and walked around the corner to my room, smiling as I heard him follow me. 

“You’re insufferable.” I teased, and it was then that I felt him scoop me up in my arms and spin me around before dropping me down on the bed, making me bounce. I laughed, curling on my side as he jumped next to me and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to face him on the bed. 

“But you love me?” He asked and I smiled, resting a hand on his cheek as I nodded. 

“More than I think I will ever know.” I admitted and he smiled, his hand on my waist heavy as his thumb rubbed back and forth over the skin that became exposed when my sweater rode up on my chest. “I just have one thing that you need to promise me.” His hand froze and he looked at me with serious concern. 

“Okay?”

“Come back. Every time.” I said quietly, my eyes drifting to his chest, my hand soon replacing my eyes over his shirt. 

*~*~*

Spencer’s heart hurt at those words. He had realized long ago that she would draw circles on his chest absently, because she was looking for the holes that took her father from her. Her mind was constantly trying to convince her that something had happened to him, and so when she traced those lines over his chest, he knew that she was in her own mind. He took her hand from his chest, holding it tightly in his own and brought the back of her hand up to his lips. He kissed it once, meeting her eyes. 

“I can’t promise that.” He couldn’t lie to her, he wouldn’t say that he would come back. There had been times when he almost hadn’t, and most likely, there were going to be times when it was a toss up to if he would at all. He wouldn’t lie to her, his job is dangerous. “But I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to.” She nodded at that, accepting his addendum. “Can you promise me something too?” It was her turn to look startled, but she nodded. “Promise me that you will never blame yourself.” 

“For what?” She asked, rightly confused. 

“If I don’t.” He replied, his eyes darting away from hers to where her other hand was on the bed between them. She blinked a few times, but nodded. 

“I promise.” She didn’t seem convincing, but underneath it all, was a truth to it. She would try, she would do whatever she could to keep that promise, as was her way, but there was still a guilt hanging over her head. He couldn’t handle it anymore, this sad, tense atmosphere that they had created, so he pushed himself up and over her, settling so he was braced on his knees and hands above her. 

She looked up at him in that excited, but unsure way that she always did, like she was worried that she wasn’t enough for him, but to his eyes, he wasn’t sure he was enough for her. He ignored the feeling, instead trailing his hand behind her head to pull the elastic out of her hair and release her hair from the easy style she had done. She sat up, brushing her hand through her hair. He used that as his chance to lift her sweater up over her head, and her arms helped him, tossing it to the side as she moved forward, bringing his lips to hers again with her hands on either side of his face. He leaned forward, expertly unclasping the bra she was wearing and soon tossed it to the side. 

She released his face, brushing her hands over his shoulders to drop his blazer to the floor, and then made quick work of the tie, before it too joined the gathering pile of clothing. He hated the fall, too many layers. He helped her after that, popping a few buttons from the bottom of the shirt while she moved from the top and then pushed it off and he pulled off the under shirt. 

Both of them naked from the waist up, they returned to the bed, his hands hesitantly exploring her again. There was no need to rush, despite the growing need between them, and he moved slowly, feeling how her skin tingled under him with gooseflesh. Her muscles contracted under his fingers when his nails tickled her sides, and she twitched away from him making him laugh. She repaid him by dragging her nails down his back and he gasped, catching a glimpse of her smirk. To his surprise, she used her distraction as a chance to push him over, and then clamour over him and sit on his hips. He stared up at her in awe, his chest heaving. 

She leaned down once she was situated, and her hair fell in a curtain around his face as she braced a hand beside his shoulder, and used the other one to mimic his movements along his abdomen. He lurched up at the sensation, and she smirked. “Not so fun is it?” She teased and he sighed, his hands gripping her jean clad thighs as she straightened. She moved back over his hips, positioning herself cruelly over his covered half and began to rock gently. 

“You’ve gotten mean.” He gasped out, and she chuckled breathily, shrugging. 

“I’ve gone two months without getting fucked, and you think I’m going to be nice?” She shot back and he paused, his eyes going wide and a boyish grin painting his face. He liked this side of her, this confident femme fatale. He watched, enraptured as she pulled off his belt, tossing it to the side. He then realized what she had actually said. She had been with no one else? His own fears that she had found someone and that was why she hadn’t called him dissipated instantly. This new information spurred him on and he sat forward, surprising her enough to throw her off balance. He caught her, turning on his side and pushing her down to the bed, face down. She squeaked in shock and stilled on the bed. 

“You expect me to believe that you haven’t gotten yourself off in those two months?” He chided and she didn’t respond, which made him pause. “Answer me.” He said forcefully and she sucked in a breath. 

“I… I coul..I couldn’t. It wasn’t enough.” She said quickly, and he watched as her eyes dilated, returning to that place that they both found so much comfort. A surge of pride filled him, then vanished as she shifted under him, he was all about denial, but two months was sadistic, even for him. They’d have to save the fun bits for later. Right now, they both needed this. 

He hooked his hands under her hips and opened the button, before pulling it down her body. She turned over, looking up at him from the bed. Her tattoo had healed fully, and if it was beautiful before, it was stunning now. Now it was less jarring to see, and now it was a part of her, and it looked as if she was born with this artwork on her already beautiful figure.

He rid himself of the remaining parts of his clothing quickly, and held out his hand. She took it curiously and he stood her up, flipping back the covers before allowing her to sit in it again. He joined her, twining his legs with hers as he pulled her in, returning to kissing along her neck and chest, stoking the fire already burning in her core. He waited only a few more torturous moments before entering her, the both of them sucking in breaths and shuddering at the feeling. 

*~*~*

Feeling him between my legs again was a kind of relief I didn’t know I could need so badly. I hadn’t lied when I said that nothing was enough. There was some relief, but nothing enough to satiate me, I eventually gave up, and my toys laid unused in a bag under my bed. It wasn’t worth the disappointment to try. The girls had tried to help, buying me any manner of new things to try, I had accepted them, but really, they were unopened and joined the others. Spencer started slow, letting me readjust, but also wanting to draw out what was obviously something we both had been desperate for. 

The agonizing push pull of his hips against mine was just enough to make my toes curl and create the indescribable feeling, but not enough to build to my end. Panting, my nails bit into the skin of his back and I felt him stuttering in his rhythm as I did. He pulled my hands off him, pressing them into the bed with one hand as the other braced on the bed frame. Our breathing mingled, fanning over each other’s faces, the only noise our quiet sounds, and the slight creak of the bed. I pulled one of my hands free, which he allowed and hooked it around his neck, pulling him in to whisper in his ear. “Dr. Reid if you don’t fuck me harder right now, I swear to god I will do it myself.” and empty threat, but it did the trick, because his eyes flashed open, pinning me to the bed with just a look, the hand on my wrist leaving it to clamp around my neck and my face lit up in a giddy smile, quickly cut off to a gasp as he tightened his grip. 

His hips snapped forward, thankfully my new bed wasn’t the kind to hit the wall, because I was sure we would wake up the whole townhouse if we weren’t careful. I placed my hands on his chest, pushing him back some involuntarily, but he leaned into it, forcing me to take more. A pained half groan half moan fell from my chest and Spencer dropped his head to my check, biting into the skin he found there. I cried out, my hands trying to find purchase on anything but failed, so I just pushed them up under the pillows and fisted into the cases. Once of Spencer’s hands found its way between us and he only barely touched me before I was arching up into him and crying out as I finally found release. 

He continued to pump through it, elongating my first release and triggering the second when he released my skin from his teeth. I heard him groan and swear under his breath, he was close, and I knew that he was going to try to pull away from me, so even though they were shaking I hooked my legs around his hips and kept him close. His eyes snapped to mine as if to ask if I was sure, I bit my lip and tossed my head back, eyes screwing closed as what I was asking hit me and I prepared to feel his release in me. 

The sight pushed him over and I felt him twitch and falter before a new warmth entered me and I whined at the feeling. Spencer called my name quietly, a few final thrusts milking what was left in him before he fell over to the side and heaved a sigh. I panted beside him, staring up at the ceiling a tired smile on my face. “Fuck, Spencer.” I finally pushed out, sitting up on shaking arms and legs, swinging them to the other side. I couldn’t relax until I had used the bathroom, and if I laid down longer I was going to pass out. 

“That was entirely your fault. I fully intended to go slow.” He replied cheekily and I just glared at him over my shoulder as I passed into the bathroom. 

“Your idea of slow is torturing me for hours while you watch me beg.” I called from the open door and I heard him snort. 

“Don’t give me any ideas.” He called back and I smiled. We were back. We could tease each other and love each other, just like we were supposed to. The feeling of being fully and truly safe filled me and I sighed.

I returned to the bathroom to see he had pulled on his boxers. I made a detour to my closet, pulling out a pair of shorts and a long sleeve t-shirt before I crawled back into his waiting arms. He pulled me in, kissing the top of my head lovingly and I curled into his chest, my head on his arm. “Hey Spencer?” He hummed in response. “I love you.” 

He smiled, tightening his hold on me. “And I love you.” We sat in silence after that, and soon, we were both asleep, once again where we should be. In each other’s arms. 

*~*~*

I don’t know what woke me up first. The sound of my alarm being deactivated, or the footsteps. Regardless. My eyes shot open, and I looked around. Spencer was still asleep beside me, and Daisy was curled up in her bed, but she too was awake, growling quietly. I snapped my fingers at her, and put my finger to my lips. She instantly quieted. I extricated myself from Spencer’s grip, but just as I placed my feet on the ground, I heard a crash, and a man swear. Spencer shot up at that, and his eyes, wide awake stared first at the door then at me. 

“(Y/n)?” Came his voice, clear and quiet, it was a question: What was that, and if it’s what I think it is, what’s the plan?

“Shh.” I hushed him, standing quietly and tiptoeing to my closet, where I pushed aside some clothing. Spencer stood, he too moving silently as he tried to find his clothes. From the tense pause, I realized that he was looking for his weapon, only to realize he left it in the car. He gave me a look of guilty concern and I just shook my head, pressing the code into the safe and pulling out my own. 

His eyes went wide, eyes fixating on the small handgun in my palm and then to my face. I unclicked the safety, and pointed it to the ground as I walked around him. I nodded to Daisy, and he understood, moving over to her side and hooked his hand in her collar, leading her over to the bathroom and closed the door behind her, keeping her safe in the bathroom as he joined me at the door. I opened it and looked out, seeing a lumbering figure in my living room, pulling out the drawers and tossing my books to the ground. “What the fuck?” I whispered. “What’s he looking for?” I felt Spencer’s hand wrap around mine, and I relented, giving him the gun. He pushed me behind him, against the wall before he threw open the door, surging forward. 

“FBI FREEZE.” My heart leapt into my throat and I peeked around the corner as he stood, confidently pointing a loaded gun at the robber. My heart stopped when the shadow lifted his own weapon, a crowbar or axe of some kind and rushed forward. The pop of the gun made me scream and I covered my mouth as the man dropped, unmoving onto the floor. Spencer moved forward, checking the rest of the room before he knelt next to the body and his hand went to his throat, checking for a pulse. “(Y/n), call the police. Now.” I nodded, rushing into the kitchen where I had left my phone and with shaking fingers dialed the number. 

“Hello….. Yes. I need to report a.. A robbery? He uhm.. No he… he’s-” Spencer stood, giving me an understanding look as he took the phone from me and pressed it to his ear. 

“Hi, I’m SSA Dr. Spencer Reid with the FBI, suspect is down. Yes. No. We are fine, no. Yes, I can do that, right. Thank you.” He hung up the phone and instantly wrapped his arms around me, shielding me from the gore on my living room floor. “Shh, don’t look.” I hadn’t realized I was crying until he pointed it out. 

“Who the FUCK is that!?” I finally yelled, and Spencer turned, curiosity getting the best of him as he moved back to the man’s head, pulling off the ski mask. When the black fabric was pulled away, I nearly vomited. “KEITH?” 

Spencer stood up, shocked himself, and once again shielded me from the body. “Go back into your room.” He ordered quietly and I shook my head, trying to see around him, just to see if it was true. “I’m not asking.” He said more firmly, and my attention was on him again. He pointed down the hall and I nodded shakily, hurrying down the hall to where Daisy was barking loudly. I could hear the sirens and see the flashing lights through my window. A few moments later, the heavy footfalls of police entering my apartment sounded, and I sat in the bathroom of my room with Daisy standing protectively in front of me. My mind raced a thousand miles and hour, just trying to make sense of what just happened. But all I could think of was this: Keith had just broken into my apartment, and Spencer killed him, with my gun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are nearing the end of our story friends!


	33. Run Through Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Y/n) Spends the night at Spencer's place. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vU7mGdsA67M

It felt like an eternity before Spencer came to collect me from the bathroom, Daisy growling momentarily before she realized who it was and slunk away to hide under the bed. I looked up at him from my place on the floor and he extended his hand, helping me to my feet. “He’s gone.” He said as a way to answer my nervous look as he led me to the living room. One of the women from the party was there, speaking quietly to a cop. Spencer nodded to her and she smiled sadly to me. 

“Hi, (Y/n). As much as I love hanging out with you guys I’d rather it not be under these circumstances.” I smiled nervously, looking to the place Keith had been, not even a red spot to indicate what had happened.

“(Y/n), this is Emily, she’s my supervisor. She wants your statement okay?” I nodded, looking to the woman as she smiled kindly and brought me over to a chair to sit in. When we sat I couldn’t help the awkward clearing of my throat. 

“So… you’re Emily?” I said with a guilty tilt of my head. 

She smirked and nodded. “That I am…” her eyes narrowed playfully. “Should I be worried?”

I shook my head and laughed, relaxing slightly. “No! No, I uhm.. I heard Spencer talking to someone on the phone named Emily and…” I trailed off, letting her fill in the blanks. She nodded, an amused look on her face. 

“I want to start off by saying that I am so sorry this happened to you.” I nodded, uncomfortable. “But, could you explain to me who this man was?” 

My eyes flicked to Spencer, who had taken control of the police department, his confident squared off shoulders comforting. At least one of us was calm. “Uhm.. He.. well.” I shifted in my seat. How could I explain our connection without incriminating Spencer, or myself. “We.. worked at the same club-”

“The Red Lounge?” She said, scribbling in her notebook. I paused, nodding carefully. Her eyes flicked up to mine and she nodded encouragingly. “It’s okay, Spencer told me. I’ve been a few times myself.” She replied calmly and I was shocked, shaking my head to clear the fog from my head. 

“Yea.. when I first met him, he was extremely creepy, and he was harassing my friend, Jennie. And I guess he had been for a while. Spencer tried to get him kicked out, but there wasn’t much he could do. Then he came to my work and harassed me, forcing me to quit. We then found out that he had been stalking a lot of us on social media-” I began to ramble, but she didn’t mind at all, just taking in all my story with the professionalism required of her job. “Last I heard from him, Jennie was getting a restraining order, and Grace and Angel were doing what they could to get one for themselves, but they didn’t think they had a strong enough case for it. I’m sure their lawyer would be willing to vouch.” I finished, wringing my hands anxiously. Emily nodded, closing her notebook and placing a hand on my arm. 

“You’re going to be okay, (Y/n). You aren’t in any trouble, and neither is Spencer. He followed protocol. All you need to worry about is feeling safe.” I relaxed considerably at that and she smiled, nodding to someone behind me as she stood. Spencer came into view moments later, taking my hands in his. 

“Are you okay?” I nodded numbly. Spencer turned my hand over in his, pressing his fingers to my pulsepoint, pausing a few seconds to count. His face fell into a frown but I covered his hand with my free one, holding him tightly. 

“I’m okay, I promise. Just a little frazzled.” He looked up, meeting my eyes for a moment before he reluctantly nodded. 

“When did you get a gun?” He asked suddenly and I froze. I pulled my hand from him and he looked up, concerned. 

“Uhm… a little over a month ago? My therapist recommended that I start taking shooting lessons to help get over my fear of guns, and as a way to take control over my life again. And it worked. I got certified to conceal carry, and I keep it in a safe in my room. You can check it if you like to make sure it’s all legal I-” He held up a hand. 

“I’m not working right now. I’m only concerned for you as your boyfriend, not as a federal agent.” I nodded nervously and he sighed. “I’m so proud of you, (Y/n).” I startled, looking at him curiously. “You handled that so well.” I grinned proudly. 

I took his hands in mine again and held them tightly. I wasn’t surprised that his hands were so steady, but I kind of wished they had been shaking a bit like mine. “I really don’t want to think about what would have happened if you weren’t here… or if I didn’t have it.” I said quietly. “Even if I am not really a fan of them, even now.” He nodded seriously. 

“They are going to investigate how he found out where you live, but he’s a textbook psychopath.” I flinched. 

“Can you be honest with me?” He paused, then nodded slowly, trying to read my intentions on my face. “In your opinion, as a profiler, what was he doing?” He shook his head as if he didn’t want to answer but I locked eyes with him, pleading with my eyes for him to answer. He closed his eyes and sighed, fighting within himself. 

“He obviously put the time in to case your apartment. He knew you had a dog, a security system, and by the way he left the back door open, he knew the layout. Which means he was probably stalking you for some time, and knew someone who helped you do the work on your house, whatever that may be. If he knew the code my bet is that he knew someone in the security team. He broke the front door lock, but it was picked. That coupled with him bringing books off the shelves, he probably was trying to make it look like it was a robbery gone wrong.” He paused here, and I swallowed hard. 

“Gone wrong? W… what was he going to do?” I stammered, my heart starting to beat faster. 

“(Y/n), this isn’t-” 

“Please.” I insisted. 

“He came to kill you. Or God knows what else, but that was the endgame.” I nodded, my face going pale. Spencer grabbed my face with his hands, holding me steady. “But that didn’t happen. That didn’t happen because you were prepared.” 

“It didn’t happen because you were here.” 

“The only reason I took the gun was because if someone needed to take the shot I would rather it was me, who has a legal obligation to do so, than you. Since I took the shot, following the deadly force policy, it was a neutralizing of a threat against myself and a civilian. If you had taken it you would be tried for murder with a self defense plea.” I blinked, hearing him but not really understanding. He sighed sadly, looking down at his watch. It was only just past 2 am. “Come on, we are going to my place.” 

I stood, following behind him numbly, weaving through cops who were still in my apartment. I spied a lady cop carefully taking my books and placing them back on the shelf. I smiled appreciatively and she saw me, nodding her head once. I hurried behind Spencer who I saw grab Daisy’s travel food bowls. He collected the rest of his clothes, having hurriedly thrown on pants and a shirt to deal with the responding officers. He tossed them on the bed, then grabbed a sweater and a pair of sweatpants for me from my drawers, stuffing all of it into a duffel bag. I slipped on a pair of flip flops, and when Spencer held out his hand for me, I took it almost childishly as he whistled for Daisy, who was already crawling her way out of the bed and to my side. 

Spencer helped me into the car, just as I heard Derek’s truck rumble to a screeching halt on the street beside a cruiser. He jumped out, rushing to us with all the concern of a parent. “She’s okay Derek.” Spencer said calmly. “We both are.” 

“Emily told me that it was-” Spencer cut him off when he saw me flinch. 

“Yea, it was.” 

“I’m going down to the station to have a word with the chief.” Derek said angrily, directing the look to the red and blue lights, then he gave me a sympathetic smile. I waved lightly and his face softened, before he returned it. Spencer got in the car at that point, and he was pulling out just as Derek climbed into his truck and took off in the opposite direction. The drive to Spencer’s apartment was shorter than I remembered, but that was probably because I was disassociating for so much of it that I almost didn’t recognize where we were when he pulled to a stop. 

He didn’t mind, or if he did he didn’t say anything, just opening my door, Daisy already on his heels since he let her out before me. I took his hand, and he led me up the stairs, silently opening the door to his apartment and letting me inside. I walked in nervously, almost on tip toe. I was so worried that I would break something in his academically decorated home. I felt his hand on my lower back, and he led me further into the apartment than I had been before, opening a deep green coloured door to what I soon found out was his bedroom. 

Daisy curled up outside the door, in the threshold, and Spencer closed the door behind her after patting her head a few times, whispering something I couldn’t hear. “You can get into bed, (Y/n).” He said quietly. It was then that my eyes met his and I saw his face fall in alarm. 

*~*~*

Spencer knew that the tears would eventually come, they always did. But it didn’t make it any less terrifying to see her eyes suddenly well with fat tears and to see her knees give out under the weight of what had just happened. Death wasn’t a stranger to (Y/n)’s life, but so far she had been pretty removed from it. Tonight though, tonight she had seen it first hand. Even he had cases where it hit him harder than he expected. He didn’t want to think about the satisfaction he felt about putting a bullet through Keith’s chest, now wasn’t the time. 

Now was the time to surge forward and catch her before she hit the ground. Which he did, curling her into his chest in a protective hold as she let her body shake as she felt all the fear at once. He pat her hair, running his fingers through the locks, curling it around his finger before letting it drop. He did this over and over again, shushing her panicked breaths with words of comfort and love. Just as quickly as the panic attack came, it left, and her breathing was able to return to normal. “You’re okay baby. You’re okay.” He said quietly, kissing the top of her head a few times as she hiccuped away the tears. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” He felt her hand on his chest, subconsciously checking. “I’m okay too, see? I’m okay.” He pulled away, pressing her hand into his solar plexus. 

She lifted her head, looking to his hand confused, and then up to his eyes. “How did you… I didn’t…” 

“I’ve known for a while. You do it every time you're anxious.” He said with a kind smile and he felt his heart warm at her surprised but touched smile. He kissed her forehead before reaching behind her and pulling down the sheets. “Come on, let's go back to sleep. I’m right here, I promise.” He added. 

She nodded, not really feeling like arguing as she curled up under the heavy sheets of his bed. He joined her, kicking off his jeans before he did. She curled into his side again, and he held her tightly, nearly covering her body with his as he brushed his hand over her hair. Her mind wanted her to stay awake, completely alert. It was a survival instinct, of course. He had seen it in himself after his first few times in the field, so he knew how to combat it, and a repetitive motion over the sensitive skin of her scalp was enough to counteract the mind and let the body take over. Soon she was asleep, and he sighed, his own lids becoming heavy as he relaxed. He could hear Daisy breathing quietly by the door, and even if he wasn’t the biggest believer in guard dogs, he felt safer with her there, and soon he was asleep, his body between hers and the door.

*~*~*

I woke up to my alarm and I shot forward in bed, instantly waking the man beside me who shot up also. He came back to earth much quicker than I did, and rested a hand on my back to calm me. I smiled tiredly at him and checked my phone, groaning when I read the 5:30 time. Fuck. Work. I swung my legs over the side of the bed, only momentarily disoriented. 

“Where are you going?” Spencer asked, confused and tired. 

“I have to go to work.” I replied, sighing when I realized that he hadn’t known, so of course he didn’t grab my work clothes. I quickly opened my phone, texting Jennie. She was working early shifts too, so she was awake. I asked her if she had a dress my size I could borrow, and set down my phone stretching. 

“(Y/n), You were a victim of an armed home invasion last night, I’m sure your boss is going to understand if you don’t go in today.” He argued and I sighed, deflating slightly. 

“I know, but it’s my first real day, I can’t just not go in.” I responded, standing. I didn’t really know where anything was, but if I stayed in bed any longer I was going to go back to sleep. 

“Do you want me to call in?” He smirked. “I can use my ‘Agent Voice’.” I smiled, shaking my head as I looked over to him, his upper half bare and the sheet draped over his hips. My eyes drank in the sight having been starved of it for so long, which only made his smirk grow. I tore my eyes away and shook my head. 

“Thanks, but this isn’t High School, a parent can’t call me in.” I teased, and I saw his eyes grow hungry and I realized what I said as soon as he did. I blushed, grabbing a pillow and tossing it at his head, which he expertly caught. “Get your mind out of the gutter.” 

“I can’t help it.” He replied innocently, then his face went serious. “But I mean it, (Y/n), you need the rest, and also, should they need to speak with you it’s better if you’re home and not god knows where in the city.” He added. I considered it for a moment, and looked over to my phone. “I can call it in on my phone.” He said finally, and I made an anxious noise in my throat, shuffling my feet as I debated the two options. 

“I don’t know I-” Spencer sat fully up, giving me a look that made the choice for me. It was this mix between what I now realized was his work face, and the face of someone who was totally done with my shit. I shut up and nodded. 

“Good girl, now come back to bed.” I obeyed, just after texting Jennie to disregard my last message. She sent back a thumbs up and a tired emoji. I smiled, crawling into Spencer’s arms. I had reached over to his bedside, grabbing the more modern of his phones and dialed the number for my office. How he knew it off the top of his head, I didn’t know, but it rang a few times, and with my ear pressed to his chest I heard his voice rumbling under me. “Good morning, I need to speak with your HR representative?” He waited a few moments. “This is SSA Dr. Spencer Reid, with the FBI. Yes, everything is fine. Thank you.” 

I covered my mouth to hide the nervous giggles at the thought that my half naked boyfriend was about to call my boss and call me out of work with his free hand sliding down my back to grab my ass. 

“Hello Director!” He replied professionally but cordially. “Yes, I’m well and yourself? Great. I am calling to inform you that one of your immigrant advocates was the victim of a home invasion last night… Yes. (Y/n) (L/n). She’s fine! But the FBI may need to contact her regarding the incident, so she is under the protective custody of one of our agents until the matter is resolved.” He glanced down to me, pressing his lips to my forehead in the interim. “Correct. Only one or two days. Remotely? Yes, she can. Great. Thank you.” He hung up the phone and let out a tired groan. 

“What’d he say?” I asked nervously, shifting my position anxiously. 

“You need to report in at 9 am remotely, but other than that, you are free to take all the time you need.” He replied proudly and I smiled, curling back into his side, happy to have a few more hours of sleep afforded to me. “What do you say?” he teased and I shrugged. 

“I dunno.” I replied brattily, and the hand on my backside was gone only to reconnect with the flesh a few moments later. I yelped, and glared at him, rolling my eyes despite the threat of retaliation. “Thank you, Spencer.” I said sarcastically. He did strike me again, a serious crook of his eyebrow shooting fire between my legs. “I mean.. Thank you, Sir.” I sat up, kissing under his chin, where stubble was starting to grow. 

“That’s better.” He said, his voice low and tired. “Now go back to sleep. I’ll wake you up in time.” This was an order I wasn’t about to object to, and I felt my eyes slip closed once more. 

*~*~*

I felt lips on my neck, and hands on my hips as I slowly woke up. I shifted, which only caused the grip on my hips to grow tighter. My eyes opened and I smiled tiredly at Spencer who smirked, redoubling his efforts to turn that smile into a gasp of pleasure. “Good Morning.” He grumbled lowly against my collar bone. 

“Mm Good morning to you too.” I replied, dragging my hand from the sheets to play with his hair. “What time is it?” 

“8:30.” he replied, his thumbs beginning slow circles over the sensitive skin of my sides. “We have time.” 

“Time?” I laughed. “For what?” His eyes met mine with a sarcastic raise of his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes and tugged on his hair gently. When his eyes slipped closed, only to open again, this time much darker I sucked in a breath, doing it again, this time much firmer. 

“(Y/n).” he said warningly, and I ignored him, fisting my hand more firmly into his hair and tugging roughly. He let out a gasp and I smirked. “(Y/n).” He tried again, but the command in his voice was much harder to hear. I had found his button. I had toyed with the idea a few times of the roles being reversed, of me taking control, if only for a little while, and it seemed like now was as good a time as any. He was at my mercy, unable to move forward lest he risk the tugging on his scalp again, and he couldn’t move back, my hand in the way. 

He opened his eyes again, having slipped closed at another experimental tug, he was watching me carefully, silently pleading with me to make a choice one way or the other. “I didn’t know you had a thing for hair.” I teased, but then again, when I thought about it, he did. He had braided my hair that first night, he played with my hair absently when we sat together, and when we slept together, his face was almost always buried in my hair. “Do you like it when I do that?” I asked, pulling on his silky strands. 

“Yes.” He groaned, bracing his hands on the bed to hold himself, however precariously above me. “But… lower.” He said quietly, and I released the grip, grabbing the hair closer to the bottom, near his neck and tugging. My name escaped his lips like a swear, barely muffled by his attempts to quiet it. His hips rocked against mine despite the layers separating us and I spread my legs wider, allowing him more room. 

His unconscious movements became more apparent to him, and instead of the lazy unsteady pace, they became more purposeful, a slow drag over my hips with his. I let out a heavy breath, and unintentionally tightened my grip. Spencer stuttered, but when his eyes met mine again there was a calm there, a focus that I was slowly growing accustomed to. 

I used my grip on his head to tilt his head to the side, which he allowed, and latched my lips onto the exposed collar bone poking up from the skin. He rewarded my actions with dropping his own lips to my neck, but I pulled back on his hair a moment later, giving him a serious look. “Did I say you could do that?” I sternly said, watching as his eyes flashed in curious intrigue, then blew wide. I felt a hand on my neck moments later, his hips stilling instantly. 

“I don’t know who you think you are, but you obey _my_ orders. Understood?” I glared back at him defiantly, not willing to give up what little power I had earned. He gave me an unamused look, and I felt his thumb and fingers press into my neck, my eyes going wide at the feeling against my will. “Remember, you’re in my territory now. I have things I can use against you here. Consider your next move carefully.” That was enough of a warning for any sane person to accept, but I just smirked. To my delight, so did Spencer. “Fine.” He pulled away at that, and I watched with anxious delight as he crawled off me, and released my grip on his hair with a well placed grip on my wrist. 

Spencer made his way over to his closet, and when he opened the door to the closet organizer unit inside, I paled to see a toy chest not unlike the ones at the club. He rifled around in it for a few moments, mostly just for show, and produced a small red U shaped thing. He placed it menacingly on the side of the wardrobe beside him, and returned to the chest, pulling out a familiar set of black leather cuffs, lined with red fur, a set of four. He returned to me at that, and with a crook of his finger, commanded me to stand. 

I did so on shaking legs, not really knowing what to expect from this, but I was excited, and I kept my eyes on the floor. He snapped his fingers in my face and my eyes shot up to his, wide with nervous excitement. “You want to be a brat. Fine, I’ve broken worse than you.” He tossed the cuffs to the bed, his hand shooting out to grip my chin. “You know the rules?” 

“Yes, Sir.” I replied obediently, and he nodded. Reaching behind me to grab the two wrist cuffs.

“Hold out your hands.” I did, watching as he clamped them on my hands expertly. I bit my lip as he dropped them and then stepped back. “Take everything off.” My hands flew to obey, despite the surprisingly heavy additions adorning them, they worked quickly, divesting me of what little clothing I was wearing. Spencer grabbed the last two remaining cuffs, dropping to one knee before me to secure them on my ankles. The imagery was very poignant, but not totally lost on me as he claimed me as his but in an entirely different way. 

He stood again, and this time, grabbed the u-shaped toy, showing it to me. I looked at it curiously, understanding what it was when he pulled out his phone, pressing a few buttons until it came to life. “Oh.” I said quietly, and he paused, giving me a chance to back out. I wouldn’t of course, but still. 

“Oh good, so you do know what this is. You want to try to take control, well I’m going to show you exactly what that means. This stays in, all day. I’ll take it out if and when I feel like it. I’ll turn it on if and when I feel like it. These,” he said, indicating to the cuffs. “Are to correct your behaviour, whatever that may mean.” I paled. 

“But… but what about work?” I said, not trying to get out of it by any means, but still concerned as to how I would explain to my boss should he see the cuffs during a video call. 

“You should have thought of that before, shouldn’t you?” He replied tersely, and I actually shrunk in his gaze as if a child being chastised. Spencer held out his hand, offering the toy to me, and I took it hesitantly. “Be a good girl and put that in. I’m going to go set up a place for you to work, by the time I come back, you’re going to be ready. Understood?” I nodded, but my eyes went wide when I saw him tilt his head in warning. 

“Y-Yes, sorry sir.” He nodded once, then like that he was gone, out into the other room. I heard him speaking quietly to Daisy, wishing her good morning and my heart melted slightly. Then I turned my attention to the thing in my hand, swallowing thickly… well. That’s a turn of events.


	34. Chariot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All is forgiven.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-waJnGYLPY

Inserting the thing wasn’t hard, it was the walking with it in that took some getting used to. I awkwardly shifted, adjusting my shirt over my shoulders for the thousandth time. It was long sleeved, but I still felt like I could see the cuffs through the dark fabric. I slipped on the sweatpants, and finally took a breath, waddling my way into the living room where Spencer had set up a computer of his own and was standing over it, typing at an inhuman speed. His eyes drifted up and I paused, unsure of what to do. He nodded his head to his side where a second desk had been cleared, and another laptop had been placed. I nodded, clearing my throat as I passed him and used my identification card in a CAC reader that Spencer had plugged in for me, correctly assuming I needed it. 

He waited until I was signed in and therefore on the clock before he moved. I felt his hand on the base of my neck, right above the bone protruding on my nape and I froze again, my hands stilling over the keyboard. His lips hovered beside my ear and I felt my eyelids fight to close. I forced them to stay open, breathing heavily at his presence. “From now until the end of our work day, you are going to behave. I have a meeting to attend to, you are going to remain silent, create too much noise, and you will not like the consequences.” I replied in the affirmative, and he moved away from me. 

How hard was it going to be to keep quiet? The keys barely made any noise, and I didn’t even have any music to play. Unless he was really listening, he wasn’t going to hear anything. That was until I heard the call coming in, and then felt the vibrator kick to life between my legs. I sucked in a breath, surprised, and my eyes darted to Spencer who only spared me a glance as he placed his phone face up on the desk top. 

_“Reid, how’s (Y/n)?”_ Came a familiar voice on the other side of the line. 

“She’s fine, she’s working from here today.” Spencer responded, a kind smile on his face completely a contrast to the look he had just sent me. 

_“Tell her we’re all thinking of her.”_ came another voice and he looked to me, his face much softer as he smiled. 

“She knows.” He replied, before Penelope’s voice broke through the noise and began rattling off information about a new case. I tried to drown it out, focusing on my own work, breaking down a client’s statement for a translator to read in court the next week. Soon the feeling between my legs was at the back of my mind and I was able to focus on the task at hand. 

Spencer didn’t like this, apparently, because it increased in speed and the pattern changed, a huff of air leaving me as my hips jolted. I glared at him over my shoulder, but he ignored me, instead just brushing his hand over his chin, acting as though he was completely enthralled in the meeting before him. Eventually he did crack, glancing over at me and sending me a clandestine wink. Fuck him. 

More determined than ever to win, I doubled down, editing the statement a few more times before I sent it to the paralegal on our team to look over. I pulled out another case, flicking across the words on the screen to find what I was looking for. But soon my eyes blurred and I was only focusing on the feelings that were growing in my abdomen. Spencer’s meeting must have ended, because I heard his chair turn and creak as he looked at me. “Distracted?” He teased. 

I ignored him, shaking my head as I re-read a paragraph for the tenth time. He didn’t like that at all, and soon I felt his hand on my chin, turning my head to face him. “Ignoring me isn’t a smart plan, (Y/n).”

“Not ignoring, trying to work.” I grit out, panting slightly as I pulled my head from his grasp, closing the tab and instead scrolling through the articles my boss had sent me to look over and write a review for. Spencer’s hand was in my hair in an instant, pulling my head back as he crowded my space, towering over me. 

“Do I need to take you over my knee to show you how to act?” My eyes went wide. There was no mirth or impish delight in his eyes, just true annoyance. Something told me I wouldn’t like that one bit. 

“No sir. I’m sorry.” I pushed out quickly, and he dropped my hair roughly, my head falling forward from the action. 

“Sit up straight when you type.” He ordered and I quickly obeyed, forcing myself to adhere to the posture instilled in me during grade school in computer class. He left me alone at that, not without changing the pattern once more to that it was a steady humm, which would start low and then grow before stacattoing down again. It was mind numbing, and maddening. The report before me would never get done at this rate, and I was frustrated, mentally and sexually. 

Ten minutes later, it shut off again, and I was able to breathe for the first time. What I wasn’t expecting was the painful need that had grown in my core growing even worse now that the only stimulation I got was from if I moved in just the right way. Spencer knew, of course, and when he caught me rocking in the seat, my breathing growing heavy, he resolved that quickly with the help of the cuffs on my legs, and a new addition, a belt with two loops on either of my hips. When he had commanded me to stand, I wasn’t expecting him to clip the new belt to my waist, or when he pushed me back into the chair to fasten the loops around the back of the chair holding me essentially in place for the time being. I looked up at him, begging with my eyes for something but he just raised his eyebrows. 

“You are in no position to beg. You will get nothing until you behave.” He replied sternly and I felt red hot shame shoot through my spine, and settle in my stomach. I nodded shamefully, trying to adjust my seat to sit comfortably as I continued to type. It turned on again and I hunched over, groaning. I heard him quietly laugh behind me and it took everything in me not to turn and glare at him. Now that my hips were immobilized, it was even harder than before to ignore the feelings the tiny device was stirring in me. I groaned out his name quietly, then his title, much louder and I felt the device kick up a gear and I whined, tossing my head back. 

From this angle I could see him watching me seriously, leaning against a bookshelf as he enjoyed the show. He caught my eye and at that, was moved to action. I felt a disorienting spin as he turned the chair with me in it. He first moved my legs to those on the chair, binding them to the wood with a clip from his pocket, then did the same to my arms. My eyes went wide when I realized what he had done. He had made good on his comment from before. He had me tied to a chair, sitting on a vibrator. 

When he realized that I had finally caught what he was doing he grinned. “I told you not to give me any ideas.” He teased, returning to his playful self for just a moment before he stood, towering over me again as he turned, resting himself on his desk, legs crossed nonchalantly. His face returned to the serious line that made my toes curl and he crossed his arms, making sure to have his phone in full view. “Now, I think you have some things to apologize for, hmm?” 

I panted, the restraints adding enough fuel to the fire that I was desperate. “I’m sorry, Sir.” I blurted out quickly, but he just tsked his lips, shaking his head and shrugging. 

“I’m sure you are, but I’m not quite understanding what for?” He shrugged, giving me a casual look, as if I wasn’t shuddering on the chair before him, my body responding to the way his thumb flicked back and forth over the screen, manually controlling the device. 

I thought hard for a moment, which turned out to be not only the most difficult things in the world at the moment, but also a shameful moment, there was a lot to apologize for. But what exactly was he looking for me to say? “I.. I’m sorry for trying to take control.” I finally said, and he relented on the constant torture slightly, letting me get a full breath in. 

“Alright, that’s a start. And why do you need to apologize for that?” He replied cooly. 

“B-Because… I follow y-your… your orders. You don’t… you don’t follow mine.” I flexed my fingers a few times, having been clenching them too hard before. 

“Good girl.” He looked back down to the phone, considering it for a moment, before moved his finger to turn it up again. 

Trying to think about what else he wanted to hear was a task. We had only been really back with each other for a moment, but then it hit me. “An… And for the things I said!” I felt the device turn off. He was surprised, and in concern, he had turned it off to allow me to formulate true sentences. I saw him come to kneel in front of me. 

“The things you said?” He tilted his head. 

“At Hank’s party.” I hadn’t realized that my words were bothering me until this moment, when my mind was clear of everything that wasn’t him and I. “When I saw you… I… I didn’t..” He shushed me with a quick kiss, dropping the hard dominant role in favour of being just my boyfriend right now. 

“(Y/n), you don’t need to apologize for that…” He actually laughed a breath. “That was an odd situation for the both of us.” 

“You’re not mad? Or hurt?” My eyes were wide, and I think at that moment he understood, and his face went soft. 

“If my feelings got hurt every time someone spoke out of anger, I wouldn’t have a job.” He said, a lopsided smile making my insides turn. 

“That doesn’t make it okay.” I cut in, and I saw his face journey between concerned, confused, and then to understanding and then back to his role. The stern set of his face making me suck in a breath at watching it form so close to my own. 

“You’re right. It doesn’t.” His hand flicked to the clips on either of my legs, undoing them, then the ones on my arms, before expertly undoing the belt. “Get up.” I stood immediately, but my legs had become jelly and I nearly fell back. Had his hand not shot out to grip my belt roughly, holding me up I would have. He pulled me forward at that, then spun me around, taking my two hands together and clipping them to loops on my belt. 

My mind instantly gave me images of him using the cuffs he was issued for a similar position, and then the thought of him chasing me and taking me down, just like in the park, was all I could think about. Angel had explained that primal play wasn’t exactly as common in the kink world, and probably one of the more controversial dynamics. I said to hell with propriety, I think it would be fun. 

Spencer must have been on a similar train of thought, because I felt him grip between my shoulders much in the same way I had seen him do on the news so many times. The way he was able to control my entire body so easily, so naturally, just like he did to criminals was exhilarating. Though, when he sat in the large arm chair that dominated a corner of his living room, and easily dropped me over his knees, I realized that justice was about to be served in a very different way. 

I huffed out a breath as I settled over his thigh, his right leg swinging over mine to hold me in place as he pulled the sweatpants down to expose my rear to him. There was no preamble or foreplay with this. This wasn’t a fun-ishment, this was going to hurt. Bad. “You’re getting 25. Five for each of the insults you hurled at me, which if I remember correctly, you called me a psychopath, a coward, insinuated I would use my credentials for personal gain, and a ‘fucking stalker’.” Spencer rarely swore, and if he did it was always whispered or quietly, to hear him say my own words back to me with his full chest was annoyingly arousing, and I struggled against him. 

“W-What about the last five?” I asked timidly, already regretting thinking this might be enjoyable to some degree. 

“And five more for blatantly disrespecting me this morning, obviously.” He replied tersely and I flinched, sweat beading on my forehead as he adjusted me on his lap before he raised his hand. I heard the hand swing through the air and then land on my backside with a resounding crack of flesh on flesh. This was much worse than when he had first done this at the house in Maine. 

This was meant to hurt. And holy fuck did it. The first few were a shock enough to distract me from the remaining three to get to the first five. It was then he paused. “Apologize.” 

“I… I’m sorry, Sir!” I cried, surprised at how badly the controlled strikes could hurt. 

“You are forgiven.” Then he returned, doing another five, and I was squirming away from him by the tenth.

“OW! Please! No more!” He paused, waiting to see if I would tap, but I didn’t, I could take more, but the words spilled out anyway. 

“No, this is your punishment, accept it. Apologize.” His voice didn’t raise in volume, or force, remaining calm and collected as I thrashed in his grip. He only tightened it, making it harder for me to try to move away. 

“I’m sorry, sir!” Came my watery reply. And twice more we did this. Only now my begging came in quiet whimpers. He had eased up enough that it wasn’t pushing me over the threshold of what I could handle, but from the burning on my skin I knew my body was red, if not turning purple. The last five were preceded by Spencer pulling me up into a bowed shape by my hair. 

“You are not to disrespect me again, am I clear?” He growled out and I nodded as best I could. 

“I understand.. I’m sorry, Sir. I’m sorry Spencer it won’t happen again.” He narrowed his eyes at my use of his name, but for a moment, I wasn’t apologizing to this side of him, but to the side that bought me sour patch kids, the side that brought me a pink flower, the side that had arrested and convicted my abuser. The side of him that when this was all over would rub aloe on my bruises, and would hold me against him to comfort the tears that ran hot down my cheeks. His face softened a fraction and he nodded, hearing my words through the scene. 

He released my hair, not without running his fingers through it comfortingly once. The last five strikes came quickly, and just as soon as it started, it ended, and I was righted, turned in his hands and pulled into his chest. As I buried my face into his shoulder, crying out tears of release, he reached behind me and unclipped my hands. Taking off the cuffs in the process. I shifted in his grip when he asked, allowing him access to my legs where he pulled off my sweatpants fully, and then undid the cuffs on my ankles. Last to come off was the belt, and soon that joined the discarded pile on the floor. 

Spencer pulled me into his chest like a child, rocking back and forth with my body in his lap, I had stopped crying long ago, this was just to make absolutely sure. “Spencer?” I said quietly, and I heard him humm through my ear on his chest. 

“Yes?” 

“Can you make me come now?” I replied quite vulgarly, even Spencer had to laugh, which made me smile. 

“Hmm, I don’t know. Do you deserve to?” I felt hot shame shoot through my chest. Technically? No. But maybe….

“If I make you come first can I?” I felt him suck in a breath, and I tilted my head up to see his jaw had clenched, and the vein in his neck was protruding out. 

“I think that’s a fair deal.” He replied huskily, and I slinked down to the floor, my knees connecting with the carpet rather gracefully, if I do say so myself, and I looked up to him as I lifted my top over my head, and quickly undid my bra, leaving me entirely bare to him, the tiny red head of the toy still sticking out between my legs. 

His eyes raked over my, locking on to the unnatural colour, and then his hand produced the phone from his pocket, waving it teasingly at me as my breath hitched. Not to be deterred, I moved forward, pulling out the end of his belt and then opening his pants just enough to retrieve him from the layers of fabric that constrained him. He was fully erect, which must have been painful in the restricting pants, and from the painful nearly purple shade of his flesh, I realized that he must have been aching for any attention since this morning, much like myself. 

Well, at least I didn’t suffer alone. 

As soon as my lips touched him, he flicked on the toy again, and I had to remind myself that I was currently occupied and unable to just enjoy it myself. I was never really very good at this, but when Spencer shifted in the chair, his head falling back as he watched me, I was spurred on to just try… so my head began to slowly bob up and down his length, my tongue darting out to lay flat along the underside as I came back up, flicking under the bulge of the tip before making its way back down. 

It wasn’t going to take him long, he was breathless as soon as I had started, and in retaliation, he had turned the toy on to the most intense setting, drawing a cry from my throat which only really made to make his life more difficult, the vibration drawing a cry from him. My name fell from his lips more than once, and when his hand fisted in my hair again I knew he was close. My eyes flicked up to his as my hand came to grip his thighs, prepping myself to bring him deep into my throat. 

Just when the twitches began, I quickly pulled back, then back down, allowing him into my throat fully, reveling in the choke gasp he made as he realized what I had done and spilled himself into my throat. I could only hold it for long enough for him to let out the first streams, needing to pull back to breath as the last remnants flooded my mouth. I made a show of pulling off him, cleaning what remained before using my thumb to clean up imaginary mess.

His chest was heaving, his eyes wild with need and yet half closed with release. I heard his silent order when he crooked his finger and climbed into his lap, settling over him. I didn’t know what he was expecting to do as I could already see him going soft below me, but when his hand placed mine on either side of his head so I was pressed against him, my forehead on his, I felt one hand snake around to settle beside the vibrator within me, slowly thrusting in and out as he turned it down to a maddening setting that was slowly bringing me to the edge. 

MY mouth dropped open to an ‘O’ feeling as the painful build grew despite the slow pace. My hips rocked above him, my knees shaking on either side of his hips. I couldn’t say his name, I couldn’t speak, hell, I could barely breathe. The intense eye contact he demanded, coupled with his slight breathy pants mingling with my needy whines was intoxicating, and when my release hit me, it was hard, and almost violent in the reaction that it pulled from me. 

Spencer steadied me, holding me with his arm around my back to keep me from falling as I arched away from him, allowing me to ride out the full effect of the orgasm, which was easily the most intense of my life. The pain from my rear only enhanced the pleasure, and when I came down I jolted with each movement, the overstimulation too much. 

He shushed me quietly, apologizing at my pained grunt when he pulled the toy and his hand from me. He set them to the side, and then I felt his arms under my back and legs as he lifted me off him, scooping me into his arms. He carried me through the apartment, depositing me safely on the bed, disappearing only for a moment with a warm cloth to clean me off. When he knelt on the bed, I realized with only a little frustration at his collectedness that he had reordered himself, and looked as though nothing had happened. 

I shuddered, but smiled happily at him. He seemed relieved, and kissed anywhere he could reach on my face as he methodically wiped the sweat and release off me. He left my side for a moment, returning with a large shirt for me to put on, which I gladly accepted, able to move my body autonomously now, sitting up in his bed as he once again entered the bathroom and returned with a glass of water. He let me drink it, then refilled it, drinking it himself, placing it back on the counter. 

I held my arms out to him, and he smiled, taking my silent request for contact. We sat for a moment, and he checked his watch. “As much as I would love to stay here and cuddle, we do have to work. Are you okay?” I thought for a moment. I felt okay for now, and I told him so. 

“If anything changes, I’ll tell you.” He nodded, accepting that, and stood, keeping my hand in his as he led me back to the living room, and then to the office area. I logged back in, and he did as well. A few moments passed and I grabbed the laptop, setting it on my legs as I scooted my chair over to his side. He gave me a puzzled look as he looked up from the book he was reading impossibly fast, something about the growth rate of what looked like bamboo. I just smiled sweetly, kicking my legs up to drape over his lap. He understood then, and rested his hand on my bare shin, rubbing up and down as he returned to his book, the need for contact satisfied to the best of our ability for right now. 

When he received a notification that his team was calling him, I made to move, but he held me fast. What they could see, I realized, was me in a nicer shirt, and a laptop. They were none the wiser of the fact my legs were over his, or that I was bare besides the shirt. The team greeted me as if I was an old friend, and I waved slightly assuring them I was fine. I could see in the video that Spencer was looking at me with a kind of reverence I wasn’t used to, but when they addressed him, he was back to professionalism, and despite my best efforts not to pry, I watched with rapt fascination as he relayed the information from his book. Why someone would use a bed of bamboo for torture made no- wait.. No, now that he explained it, that made a lot of sense as a torture device, I shuddered, and his hand squeezed my leg reassuringly. I smiled, forcing myself to return to the paper before me, my mind noticeably much clearer now.


	35. Glowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment in time, potential for anything, as delicate as the first fall of snow.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClSRfbC_c_c

September came and went, and before I knew it, I had learned the real reason behind Keith’s infiltration into my apartment. It turns out, once he found out that Jennie had gotten a restraining order, he snapped, threatening all the girls on staff that he could find. Angel and Grace had moved during August, so he wasn’t able to find them, me, however, he found when he had broken into the Red Lounge, and found my file on Desiree’s desk, she had left it out to process my resignation, and with it, he found my address, phone number and the like. 

He had paid a considerable amount of money, so I was told, to some hacker who broke into my phone (Which explained why my phone was acting so strangely, causing me to have to buy a new one), to access my notes where I had kept the code to my security system. That was also how he knew I was home, he had an alert on his phone that would ping should I go back into my house. 

It all seemed very excessive just to terrorize me, but then again, maybe it wasn’t only about me. As luck, or whatever you wanted to call it, would have it. One of Keith’s buddies had been locked up with Spencer when he was in prison, and when he was released, had told Keith all about him, and how Spencer had gotten his sentence extended due to a fight. Bad blood festered, and when Keith’s buddy was connected and subsequently arrested for some drug scandal that Spencer’s team uncovered, (Which was how Desiree got her job), Keith had it out for him from day one. 

All of this created what Spencer called a stressor, which was set off by the trigger of Jennie’s restraining order. “It makes people do horrible things.” Spencer had explained. And as we sat in the cafe, watching as the city set up for the fall festivities, I stared at the leaves that began to fall in the breeze. It was hard, I decided, to know so much about how ordinary people were one moment away from murder. I suppose that’s why it happened so often right? “Baby, you okay?” 

“Hmm?” I asked, suddenly brought out of my mind by his voice again. I lifted my mug of hot apple cider to my lips blowing on it even though it was almost cold now. I drank it anyway, the remaining heat soothing a sore throat that was growing. 

“Are you alright?” I nodded, smiling gently. 

“I’m fine, Spence.” I said quietly, resting my gloved hand on his. It was a strangely cold October morning, they had predicted possibly snow tonight, and I couldn’t decide if I wanted it to fall or not. 

He shifted uncomfortably, pulling out something from his pocket. I stared at him curiously as he placed the white enveloped on the table. It was folded, and crinkled slightly, but the FBI emblem on the corner piqued my interest and I sat up straighter. “I uhm… I didn’t know when a good time to give you this would be.” He started and I placed my mug down in anticipation. 

“What is this?” I asked nervously. 

“I need to preface this with please don’t be angry with me.” My heart stuttered, but I just shook my head. We had agreed, no more secrets, no more anger. We were adults, we needed to act like it. “When we were in Maine… Kristen said something that got me thinking.” I flinched. My soon to be sister in law was always a touchy subject. We hadn’t talked much since the trial. And not really at all after my mother died. 

“You’re making me nervous.” I replied honestly, and he turned his hand that was under mine, taking it and holding it reassuringly. 

“I looked into your father’s death.” He said suddenly. So suddenly I was glad that I hadn’t still had my drink in my hand. I pulled my hand from his quickly, but he extended it to me, and I relented, allowing him to hold me again. I realized this wasn’t comfort for me, but for him. “And What I found, what… what my _team_ found… is in here.” He pushed the letter forward, the sealed envelope now more sinister on the table 

“What did you find?” I asked not really wanting an answer. He knew that, and shook his head. 

“It’s all in here. If you want to, you can open it, and read it. But I remember you saying to me that you accepted the closure you received. This may make it better, or worse. I don’t really know, which is why I’ve given you the choice to open it or not. And whatever the fall out, we will deal with it, together.” He gripped my hand seriously. “If you don’t want it, we can take it, and burn it, shred it, I don’t care. This is entirely up to you.” 

My hand reached out, taking the paper with shaking fingers. I turned it over, it was sealed neatly, with a case number written on the top, signed by someone I didn’t know. “Can you just tell me one thing?” He paused, but nodded. “Will it bring him back?” Spencer startled, confused. 

“N-No.. of course not.” He replied, clinically. “I mean… no, it won’t but it may give you more answers.” I shook my head, pushing it back towards him. 

“Then I don’t want it.” I replied easily, and I saw a shimmer of what looked like pride in his eyes. 

“What do you want me to do with it?” He asked, taking the envelope into his hands. 

“Keep it, maybe we can hide it somewhere, for if I change my mind.” He nodded once, stuffing it into his pocket, where I instantly forgot about it, returning to my cider and pumpkin scone. Spencer’s hand wrapped around mine, playing with the ring he had bought me. It wasn’t anything more than a promise ring, a simple blue stone on a silver band. Neither of us ready to commit to anything more than that for now, but it was a promise that we would reconsider again someday. We had been with each other (However inconsistently) for four months now, so though it was fast, a lifetime had passed between us this summer, and we both knew life was short. 

But as he played with the ring, and I watched the leaves fall, all seemed content, all seemed right. So much had happened, and I had changed so much. Who I was when I moved to D.C. was long gone, the childishness in me killed off by the realities of life as I knew it being stripped away. I was no longer responsible for anyone but myself, and Spencer-if he let me. Angel, Grace, and Jennie had become family, and with the knowledge that Angel was a few weeks away from proposing to Grace gave me the hope that life could continue, despite the hardships. Jennie and Taylor had actually survived the honeymoon period, and currently were vacationing in the Caribbean, the pictures of the two of them envy inducing. 

Savannah and Derek had become the closest thing to family, and true parents that I had ever had. And once he had gotten over the initial shock of our relationship, Derek became an invaluable resource to both Spencer and I. Hank, being Spencer’s God-son, was even more spoiled by myself than previously, and as he grew older, I found myself just as invested in his growth as his parents. The conversation had even sparked the topic between Spencer and myself. Though our relationship was young, we wouldn’t be for long, and it wasn’t unheard of for couples our age both in years and time spent together to dream. 

I had left my job at the Immigrant Advocacy firm, the management so horrible that nearly half the staff had left and instead been invited to different agencies to represent them. I myself had been picked up by none other than the mayor of D.C.’s PR office. A few good references from notable FBI personnel had secured me the position above all else, and had even allowed me the luxury of moving into the city. The Morgan’s had been sad to see me leave, but knowing that I wasn’t any farther away than Spencer eased the transition. Spencer and I had considered moving in together, but again, it was so soon. So instead we traded. Some nights he would come back to my apartment, or sometimes we would stumble back to his.Daisy always looked at us as though she were judging, but we didn’t mind. She was just happy if there was enough food in her bowl to last the night. 

Spencer and I returned to The Red Lounge often. Mostly just as patrons, with of course VIP clearance, but sometimes to teach a class or two. It became a routine and a release for the both of us. When Spencer went on assignments that bothered him particularly, and he just needed to forget, we would go. Rent a room, and for that short time, nothing else mattered. When I had the time, I would visit Spencer’s classes he taught, encouraging him when the students wanted nothing to do with him, and also reveling in the satisfaction on the young girls faces when he would kiss me in greeting at the end of class when I would pick him up for our daily lunch. 

“Fuck he’s cuffed?” One girl whispered to her friends as she passed. I had to hold in the snort, which I couldn’t hide when Spencer only winked at me as if to say ‘if only they knew’. 

In short, life was good, it wasn’t perfect, that was certain. A perfect life would be that things made perfect sense all the time, but I still struggled. There were scars from Aiden that needed to heal, I still cried about my mother from time to time. Grief and guilt never went well, but Spencer would help me through it, and I would come out stronger each time. I still never understood why she did it. Jamie had refused to send me the note, saying it wouldn’t help, and I couldn’t argue, I would only replay the words over and over in my mind until it drove me mad. 

Avery was stationed overseas once again, and we learned later that it was a request by him. He explained that he couldn’t stand to remain in the states, so when an opening in Japan came, he seized it, leaving the next week. My connection to my oldest brother was weak as it was, but this was the final devastating blow.I don’t think either of us really minded, but it was still hard to know that our family was as broken as it was and we didn’t even have each other to rely on. But we each had found our families, Jamie’s in Kristen, me in Spencer, and Avery in the Army. To each their own I suppose. 

There was a lot for me to learn, about love and being loved in return, about what it meant to have true friends, but I wasn’t worried. I had great teachers. My hand brushed over Spencer’s as he skimmed a book, it was one of his favourites, given to him by a love in his past. We had talked about Maeve some, and Cat, but they were ghosts of his past, one good, one not so much, but they were part of him, and therefore, a ghost I had to bear just the same. 

He took my hand without looking at me, an instinct cultivated over many weeks of similar moments. Silence filled with the knowledge that neither one of us planned on going anywhere anytime soon. 

I was slowly starting to understand the enigma that was Spencer Reid. And he was understanding me, granted at a much faster pace. Nonetheless, we were happy, which from what I deduced, was a rare feeling for the man before me. And whatever came his way next, I would be right there with him, just like he had been for me.  
I sighed, looking up to the clouds, a rainbow ringing the sun as snow formed in them. I blinked, and just like that the first snow fell. I smiled, holding out my hand to catch it, watching as it melted on my palm. It wouldn’t stick, I knew that, it was too early for that. But it was the promise of what could be, and I was grateful. 

Turning back to my book, I sighed, flipping the page, starting the next chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END


	36. Patreon Announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://www.patreon.com/skadisdottir

HI! So a lot of people have reached out to ask how they can support me and my writing further, and as a college student, money is always a needed thing. SO. I have created a patreon. You can support me there and gain access to one-shots/chapters/spinoffs to this story there for super cheap! Obviously, everything will be posted here as well, but there will be some exclusive stuff as well. Thank you for even offering and if you do support I love you to the moon and back!


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